PF - The Omnibus Edition

I wait with baited (i prefer a worm and a corn niblet) breath for each edition!

Pan Pie....you RULE! :D
*giggles and giggles some more*

It's amazing what a man can do with one hand

.... and with the help of speech recognition software.....

Daisy a man and one hand ... mmmm ... it is amazing what they can get done ;)

lmao .... :D

Coming soon - the Official Szarlotkas Award Ceremony (Screenwriters strike permitting)

What time? What Channel?

Sunday evening (GMT)


Channel No 5

Did I miss it?

who are the nominees? and what categories?

A very hearty welcome to you all from a beleaguered United Kingdom. We here are in the depths of a financial crisis. It is virtually impossible to get a mortgage and those that have wish they hadn’t, energy bills are going through the roof (Ed – insulate your loft then), food prices are rising since the Chinese have decided to eat a bit more and our Budget has upped the costs of most pleasures in life – beer, wine, spirits, methyllated spirits, tobacco and motoring. So far sex has avoided a new tax but it won’t be long. We’ve had the poll tax, the bonk tax must be close. Obviously the recording of said activity will be captured by the CCTV network that now has an average of 300 cameras on every street in the nation. However, the Spirit of the Blitz is strong within us Brits. There is always a silver lining. In this case it is the return of the Omnibus Edition – the most fun you can have with a wifi connection.

Hello, Hello. It's good to be back, it's good to be back.
Hello, Hello. It's good to be back, it's good to be back.

Did you miss us, Yeah, while we was away,
did you hang our picture on your wall
Did you kiss us, Yeah, every single day,
although you couldn't kiss us at all.

Hello, Hello. It's good to be back, it's good to be back.
Hello, Hello. It's good to be back, it's good to be back.

(Ed – FFS Szarlotka cut out the Gary Glitter lyrics, I’ve got dinner with the Vietnamese ambassador tonight)

So where do we begin, to tell the story of a million useless posts, the thousand jokes that are older than the hills. Where do we begin?

Incoming

Let’s start with the outbreak of small arms fire that has occurred. Look, in the old days it was easy to spot the conflicts, crushes, shy little approaches and full blown relationships between PF members. Largely they were binary in nature. A hated B. C was in love with D. Lately it has got far more complex. A may hate B but because B hates C and is in a relationship (cyber or otherwise) with D who is actually married to E’s brother then F wades in to attack A who it turns out once went out with someone who used to date B and so on and so forth. Cut it out and declare allegiances overtly now we say. It’s all got a bit personal lately. We are at a loss to know who to side with any more. The only common factor appears to be that Michal has wound up virtually everybody with his knowledge of Polish that it would seem is like Jeffery Chaucer professing to be an expert on current day Brixton street talk. Several suspensions have been imposed by Admin who has now issued more red cards than Graham Poll (USA note – he was a slightly over zealous football referee). Lukasz was one such victim. This is the same poor soul whose house was to be occupied by the Russians, well ConstantinK at least.

21 Gun Salute

On a more optimistic note, We would like to point out that the US military does not currently have a five star general whereas PF has four of the little devils. Take a bow Krysia, Bubbawoo, Gzregorz and Osiol for wasting their lives to such an extent that they have racked up over 5,000 posts. Obviously the strain of this has got to some of them. Bubba’s gone missing and the big white cuddly dog launched into a tirade against us Brits after one glass too many of the local brew out there in PL. To be fair to the doggie he apologised and got the thread removed. It is a big man who can say sorry which is why Szarlotka apologises for calling him Marmite Man. Truce?

Traitors

Several posts in this vein. One hypothesises that you are a traitor to England if you don’t date English girls. We don’t see the logic in this really - but chaps, to be on the safe side, if you are going out with a Polish lovely get an English girl on the side too. Another has JustyiaS claiming to be a traitor to Poland for talking common sense. I’m sorry girl – for talking common sense you are only a traitor if you’re a politician.

Victoria Coach Station and Stansted Airport in Overcrowding Shock

Reports are reaching us that the aforementioned termini are being overrun with a huge influx of Poles fleeing the economic and cultural desert that is England. The plunging pound and having to listen to the likes of noimmigration have apparently convinced millions of Poles to up sticks and go home, or at least somewhere where 100Zl can buy a pint. If these reports are true what are we to do with all the bottles of Lech and what will become of the businesses that have sprung up to write love letters for the wobbly legged and love struck Waynes of this world? Stay please.

It ain’t what you say it’s the way you show it.

There was a dizzy spell of Admin showing off his new CMS (Content management System for you non technco nerds out there. On an almost hourly basis the format of the pages on PF changed. Never have so many posts littered a single thread so quickly. People needed counselling. Fights broke out between those who liked avatars on the right and those to whom this was heresy. Osiol got confused and was looking in all directions, at one time peering up places where he shouldn’t have been. We think he was slapped a couple of times. For the first time in living memory Admin bowed to customer pressure and backed off some of the wackier ideas. Well with over 6,000 customers he would have been a brave man not to have. Our view is that change is an inevitable but painful fact of life that is best felt by others.

Are you going to San Francisco?

To be honest – no. There is slight chance that we might bump into RockyM and quite frankly, we would rather not.

The Conclusion

Well, that’s about it for now. We have to ease ourselves back into this slowly. We have several new researchers who have let us down but spending a bit too much time on the face to face interviews with Polish girls and not enough time reading PF. Since Szarlotka is now moving upstairs to take on a new executive role (Ed – executive washroom cleaning role you mean) we are a little light on content. But hey, admit it – it’s still better than some of the stuff on here right?

Take care out there people

Woo-hoo, its back!

Michal is probably old enough to have met Jeffrey Chaucer

Thanks for that Szarlotka ;-)

Proszę

Orientation Class

OK class, settle down now. Welcome to the PF orientation class. My name is Mr Szarlotka. You may also address me as Pan Pie. No Patrycja19, you may not shorten that to PP. Stop giggling at the back.

Now for many of you, this is your first experience of big school. We know and understand that coming to big school can often be a strange and at times unsettling experience. The purpose of this lesson is to introduce all you new boys and girls to some of the senior staff and prefects here at PF and to introduce the small number of rules concerning behaviour and dress that we all have to adhere to ensure the smooth operation of PF. Yes Wispi, what do you want? No you may not move to sit next to AvJoeUK. Please remain in your seat.

Now, I shall begin by introducing the senior staff to you. Wroclaw Boy, I will not tell you again. Please remove the headlock from MareGaea and return to your seat immediately. M-G your face has turned blue. You have my permission to go to the rest room to tidy yourself up and stop the bleeding. Now where was I? Oh yes, the senior staff.

Our head master is Mr Admin. It is unlikely that you will meet him personally. In fact none of us has. His office is at the end of the corridor in Block C. When walking in that corridor please keep the noise down and for goodness sake, if he does leave the office, at no times may you smile in his presence. Mr Admin likes to run a tight ship. His main influence on the running of PF is to change the décor around big school. Should you come in one day to find our colour schemes completely different you will have witnessed one of his masterful acts. Also, Mr Admin is ultimately responsible for discipline here at big school although on a day to day basis he delegates this to one of his three trusty lieutenants. Collectively known as the moderators, these three hard working members of staff are here to help us all. You are most likely to come into contact with either Zgubiony or PolskaDoll. The former is a genial New Yorker with deep love of all things Polish, snowboarding and beer. Don’t let the genial exterior fool you though class. No messing with this man. Wildrover, I’ve told you before not to bring your Harley into class. Now you’ve got grease all over Daisy’s new outfit. Be a good boy and wheel it outside now will you. Daisy you are excused.

Most of you who are based on this side of the Atlantic will come into contact with PolskaDoll. If you step out of line you can expect to be given lines by PD or for persistent offences you will be put in detention after school. What is going on back there? What are you boys doing? Sit down now. Ah I see. Babi, that’s a very nice dress dear but I think something slightly less revealing might be more appropriate at school, don’t you. Oh for pity’s sake Torando2007 will you please stop drooling. You’ve ruined Crow’s packed lunch. No Crow, it wasn’t an act of naked aggression on Slavs. No you may not refer him to the United Nations. No Tornado2007 did not bomb your house last week and I’m sure he has no intention of bombing it this week either. Stop sulking Babi.

Now then, the last moderator is Mr Daffy. You will not see him much as he has been granted sabbatical leave to do four PhDs, an MBA and redesign the space shuttle. Should he put in an appearance you will find that he spends most of his time disciplining Espana. No Espana, you are not being picked on. You may not sue us. When you are a naughty boy Mr Daffy tells you and that is all. Would you please stop pulling Lady-in-Red’s pigtails. She was not being nasty towards you. Settle down class, please. Anyway, as I was saying Mr Daffy should be all but invisible to you.

As a result of new Government guidelines on class sizes, all 6,000 of you are allocated to one of those three staff. There are no other full time staff members. The Government insists that they should be supported by a myriad of teaching assistants. Mr Admin, however, believes that teaching assistants do not deliver value for money. Instead he espouses the use of your peers acting as prefects. Yes you can come back in M-G. Put the knife down boy. It’s probably better that you sit up the front away from Wroclaw Boy. There’s a space there next to Puzzler. Puzzler please stop doing that with the scissors. You’re making M-G nervous. As I was saying we have many prefects that you should know about.

This year’s head boy is Bubbawoo. He is currently playing truant. Something about education being a waste of space when you can buy Sopot for peanuts. Nevertheless he is a senior figure here at big school and should be afforded the requisite respect at all times. Sometimes you may find his colourful language disconcerting but just give it back to him full tilt and you should be fine. Shelley & Sapphire would you mind putting that magazine down. I don’t care how drop dead gorgeous the young men are – you’re giving Poison and Arien an inferiority complex. PolishgirlTX, for the last time girl ipods are not allowed in class. No even when it’s the Killers. Music is for home only. Yes Shopgirl I am a Pisces. Why do you want to know? I don’t need a horoscope just now. What do you mean typical short fuse? I have not got a short temper Shopgirl. Please shut up now.

The head girl this year is Krysia. If you are an animal lover then you should get on with her like a house on fire. She does like to play tricks on people so watch out for that. If you find yourself being sent on strange errands by the head girl there is a good chance that one of the junior prefects is videoing your embarrassment and that in minutes it will be on Youtube. Yes I know you like Youtube PolishgirlTX. No we can’t have access allowed from the school’s computers. For goodness sake Sledz beer is not allowed in school, pour it down the sink now please. I said down the sink not over Outintheyard. Outintheyard, go clean yourself up and take those pigs with you will you. You really should leave them back on the farm you know. Oh and while you’re out there find out where Daisy has gone. Sledz do you have more beer in your desk? I thought so – give it here. You can pick it up after detention this evening.

Head of Prefects this year is Gzregorz. Yes noimmigration he is Polish, does this cause you a problem? It does? Tough luck boy. Now I would like to point out that although he may have had one or two problems with authority over recent months and years, Gzregorz is the epitomy of poacher turned gamekeeper. He will tolerate no unruly behaviour in big school and is a strict disciplinarian. His cuddly appearance hides a will of iron. No Bratwurst Boy he does not have a problem with Germans at all. He treats everybody equally unfairly. No really Bratwurst Boy, you will not be picked upon for being German. Trust me you will be safe.

Deputy head of Prefects this year is Osiol. This is one figure of authority you will be able to spot immediately, what with him being dressed as a donkey and all. Osiol is our most dedicated prefect. He patrols the grounds at all hours of the day and night and is always on hand for a friendly chat to those of you missing home or having problems with your toaster. Osiol also knows the answers to almost every question in the world so is a useful point of reference for settling pub bets. Wildrover – would you turn that mobile phone off in class please. I don’t care if this is THE call, turn it off this instant. She’ll call you later if it’s important. Stop blubbing man.

Now pupils, there are many other important prefects in big school. You will get to know them gradually over time. Many of them are Polish. Lots of them are American or Canadian. There are even some Australians amongst them. No Sofi we don’t need you to write a poem about them all. No, not even a verse. It’s a very kind offer though. Shawn H, I’m sure that Mufasa doesn’t really want to see that mouse. Yes I know it’s a nice mouse. There, you can come down now Mufasa, the mouse has gone.

The end of period is fast approaching so before the bell goes I would like to provide you with a few things to watch out for out in the playground. Firstly, beware of Michal offering to do your homework for you. His fees are very steep and sometimes his translation is not the best. So, if you have any language assignments best give him a miss. Yes I know you know that already JustyiaS. What’s that in English? That’s really not very ladylike is it JustyiaS? What are you going to do with that shoe? It’s probably not a good idea to have some of the Americans do your geography homework. Avoid RockyMason in particular. Ah, you’ve woken up Rocky. Have you brought those plants in for show and tell? How nice, but they don’t look like tomato plants to me Rocky. What’s that funny smell? Oh and finally don’t trust your history homework to anybody in school. Ask one question and you’ll get 20 different answers.

Miranda, why has Southern collapsed on the desk? You say that large heavy psychology text book just fell off the shelf behind and hit him. A likely tale. Never mind, let sleeping dogs lie. Wroclaw and DavidPeake put out that fire over there. I don’t care that you were allowed to have a barbie in the last school. This is big school now.

A bell sounds in the distance

Walk children. No running in class. Lukasz bring my zimmer frame back at once.

The camera pans slowly across the classroom. Szarlotka sits head in hands looking completely drained. In front of him there are scenes of utter carnage. Michal lies on the floor, blood trickling from the pointy shoe embedded in his right temple. At the rear of the classroom, M-G and Wroclaw Boy lie lifelessly beneath a pile of broken desks. Isthatu looks over them searching for more war mementos. At the far end of the room, Crow is redrawing the map of Europe in vivid colours, humming tunelessly to himself.

The phone on Szarlotka’s desk rings.

Yes this is he Head Master. It finished a few minutes ago. Yes, I think it went very well Head master. No, nothing to worry about head Master. Well, apart from I think we’ve lost Daisy and Lady-in-Red is suing us for loss of pigtails. Yes, just a normal day really. Oh and I really like the green colour scheme Head Master. You too head Master. Enjoy the golf tomorrow.

(Ed - Szar where is the freakin' Omnibus Edition. You aren't paid for this crap. Ten minutes is all you've got)

Quality :D

szarlotka - see me after class! ;)

three gold stars

Two thumbs up!

yey.......

How vain am I? All I did was use the search thingy on my browser program and look for 'Osio' (I didn't know if you'd use the ł or not).

that is funny, well done Panie Pie! ok now, where are my stilletos? and wheres michal? ;)

lmfao, brilliant :D

LMAO!! I hope he doesn't know where you live!


Great advice!

Mr. Szarlotka, that was amazing! LOL

lol....it was awesome Szarlotka :) i like that class ;P

You rock Fish Boy! (and happy belated birthday if I may say!)

Erm I mean...Pan Pie! :)

I was not playing truant honest......I was abducted by Aliens

I nominated Mr Sz for the PF award for bestest story telling :)

Where'd the kitty go, Daisy? :)

well, as soon as I type this the bugger will come back;)

did I really say that?? lol


get it Miranda, get it!!! lol