The BEST Guide to POLAND
Unanswered  |  Archives 
User: Guest

Home / Off-Topic  % width posts: 1,502

PF - The Omnibus Edition

osiol 55 | 3,921
19 Nov 2007 #61
No longer the man on th3e Forum omnibus?

edit: spot the rogue 3 in that post.
19 Nov 2007 #62

you must have joined that writers strike then hahaha
OP szarlotka 8 | 2,208
19 Nov 2007 #63
Strike? - Je ne suis pas Francais

Given a choice between skiing and reading and critiquing PF I think I'm going to choose skiing. Instead of the Omnibus I'm going to start the alternative Argentinian snow report - complete with pictures....
Wroclaw 44 | 5,379
19 Nov 2007 #64
It's a bit like my dinner in that it's fast approaching its sell by date.

I really don't know if you're being serious about 'resting' the update. I'd like you to continue writing.
However, if you are serious, please nominate a successor, to be called 'Edd'.
19 Nov 2007 #65
and one called Eddy .... sorry i saw the title and had to add .. lol :D
Wroclaw 44 | 5,379
19 Nov 2007 #66
You are reading my mind.
19 Nov 2007 #67
great minds think alike mate :D
OP szarlotka 8 | 2,208
23 Nov 2007 #68
It's a bit quiet on here today which is a bad thing and a good thing. Bad that the usual levels of fun filled debate and ranting are not here but good because I won't have to spend too much time writing Omnibus issue 6.

Give me copy people!
23 Nov 2007 #69
the week is not over Sz;)
OP szarlotka 8 | 2,208
26 Nov 2007 #70
Omnibus Edition 6

From the various weather reports submitted from around the Northern hemisphere in recent hours it would appear that everywhere is cold, damp, windy and grey. The snow in Krakow is getting so bad Dtaylor has started an on line petition to God to stop it so he can stay on his feet. To us that is overkill – simply buy some cross country skis and get on with it man. It’s probably wonderfully sunny in Australia but that is a fat lot of use to us up here. So the best thing to do is add another log to the fire, refill the glass of single malt and settle down to read the Omnibus edition. This is guaranteed to bring a warm glow to your heart (Ed – the Scotch might but I have my doubts about the column).

We are happy to report that PF goes from strength to strength. There are new members popping up from all around the world. China seems to be particularly well represented of late. Well there are a lot of Chinese so statistically speaking this is probably not that significant. (Ed – stop the waffle and get reporting Sz)

Mufasa – the mystery deepens.

What is going on over in Warsaw? Not content with sparking a debate on what this Forum is really about, Mufasa now wants to know whether we are in fact a newspaper. Most people seem to agree that we are not a newspaper but if we were we would not be the Daily Mail. Having left us on tenterhooks as to what she is up to, Mufasa popped off to Krakow for a few days. It’s like one of those TV game shows which leaves you guessing whether George from Hemel Hempstead has won the million pounds until next week’s show as the end of programme buzzer goes off. Let’s hope the wait is worth it.

Focus, Focus, Focus.

We vaguely recall reading a management text book a few years back that analysed what makes a successful businessman or woman. The ability to focus effectively came high up on the list of attributes of the mega successful. Therefore we here are in no doubt that Southern must be the most successful person in the world at whatever it is he does for a living. Whatever the thread topic is – relationships, recipes, current affairs, music, fashion, job seeking etc – Southern manages to turn it around to girls. Since his return he now manages to find a You Tube video to accompany every post too. We’ve had Polish lovelies, Ukrainian lovelies, Serbian lovelies – you name it we’ve seen their legs. Such dedication to his cause is remarkable. Somewhere in this mad, mad world there must be a suitable award that we can put him up for.

Tales of the unencrypted.

The biggest news from the UK this week was the loss of the personal and banking details of up to 25 million UK citizens. To cut costs the data was sent by ordinary post on a couple of CDs and only protected by a simple password that most hackers can crack in less than 5 seconds. Encryption would have cost £50 more so they didn’t do it. This is an absolute scandal in our view. Interestingly it was only the Brits who were up in arms about this. No Polish commentary at all was forthcoming. This is interesting since the data was for child benefit claimants so there will be Polish names on that list. The good news is that whoever has the disks will take one look at the Polish names and automatically assume that those records are encrypted and pass over to steal the identity of all the Jones and Smiths instead. As an aside, Szarlotka read the Daily Mail for the first time in 10 years or so today. Someone had left a copy of it on the train this morning. The low key headline was “Polish Baby Boom”. Now we all know that the Mail doesn’t like to have the facts interfere with its reporting but if their story about Poles in the UK having lots of babies is, by a miracle, true then it would disprove one of their other beefs about Poles not integrating. Judging by the baby count quoted they are integrating far too often!

Gobble, gobble, bang, bang.

That got your attention – go on admit it. It was Thanksgiving this week over the pond. The time when family and friends gather together and turkeys get nervous. There were many posts about how our US members were going to spend Thanksgiving but precious few posts about how they got on. Is the party still going on then guys? It’s so close to Christmas there doesn’t seem that much point in going back to work (Ed – that’s Italy). Bubbawoo made the mistake of going to the American Sales the day after and was pushed out of the queue for a laptop by an 87 year old, one legged woman. At some stage we Brits are going to have to reconsider our policy viz a viz queuing.

And so the end is nigh…

Well it was for the England football team who spectacularly blew their chance of qualifying for Euro2008 by losing To Croatia at Wembley. It may have helped if the pitch had not resembled my back garden after the last monsoon but hey, the arena is fantastic and we didn’t have the budget to get the grass bit right as well. Actually it had been cut up during the ‘token’ NFL game a few weeks back. Nevertheless I think Croatia would have won if we had played them on Bournemouth Beach instead. Nice to see that normal order has returned and the Scots got the jokes in quickly. For a nasty moment we could foresee Scots and English being nice to each other. The really bad news is that following Scott Carson’s howler, Szarlotka had had to bin his compendium of Scottish goalkeeping jokes. Poland deservedly won their group and has been officially appointed as the Szarlotka team to follow next year. Just to complete a miserable week football wise England drew Croatia again, this time in World Cup 2010 qualifying.

What’s in your garden?

Apparently this should read what’s not in your garden. Some of you lot have some very strange thinks outside the back door. Our favourite was the old Land Rover. Osiol has started a global conflict by promoting the use of Leylandii hedging to stir up fights with the neighbours.

Do you come from the land down under?

It’s high time we said hallo to all our antipodean members. G’day. No doubt you won’t have time to read this anyway, what with all the barbies and 23 hour a day sports activities. Nice to see that the contributions from down under are on the increase. Mind you half of those probably come from Aussies/Kiwis living in London anyway. We are convinced that South Kensington is in fact the third largest Australian city.

Beyond the froth

This place is, as we are sure you all agree, a lot of fun and useful in many different ways. The good humour and general banter is a joy to behold at times. In itself this would make it a good place to visit but when you add in its ability to inform it’s no wonder so many of us come here regularly. The thread concerning deportation of Poles to Siberia and some of the posts on the thread concerning Polish Jews changing their names are two examples where we, at least, have learnt more about Poland. There are many others. Thanks to those of you who take the time to discuss significant events in such detail (Ed – big creep Szarlotka)

Music is my first love…

Well another week of favourite music has revealed that the PF members have an eclectic musical taste (Ed – you just wanted to use the work eclectic). This week also surprised Szarlotka by revealing the Disco Polo collection. He is not too proud to admit that he knew nothing of its existence. Having heard some samples now he wished it had stayed that way.

Veni, vidi, visa (I came, I saw, I shopped)

If you cannot recall a thread about shopping this week, don’t worry – you are not going mad as there isn’t one. This is just Szarlotka musing about how women manage to shop so much. Is retail therapy better than psychoanalysis? Why do women need so many shoes? How long is a fashion season exactly? Is it measured in months or days? Why is the male rarely invited along to shop? Why, when we are invited, is our opinion sought but then ignored? Is there an internet guide to understanding the whole women and shopping thing? Answers on a postcard please.

Over and out…

Yes that’s it for this week. The Thanksgiving thing has cut down on activity we think. It was nice to see a few people returning again this week. Weclome back. Nice to have all you newbies here too.

Here in the Editorial Office we are turning our attention to the Christmas Omnibus Edition. This will include the inaugural presentation of the annual Szarlotka awards for outstanding, bizarre, outrageous, humorous, courageous and deeply unfathomable contributions to PF (Ed – we need to find some judges down the pub later) It will also include free:

• Crackers (Southern can pull a few for us)
• Turkey (we know who you are)
• Mincey Pies (Ed - careful)
• Nuts (in plentiful supply)
• Paper hats
• Cheese (yummy, cheese)

Something to look forward to then. But for now – au revoir.
hello 22 | 890
26 Nov 2007 #71
It was a busy week (after a slow start), great one again.
26 Nov 2007 #72
that gave me a giggle esp the new brit side about polish names ... sorry but it is how you have worded it with humour :)

great job mate :D
osiol 55 | 3,921
26 Nov 2007 #73
Just like the real thing, you wait ages and ages for it, but when it arrives it takes you to places you never expected to go. But unlike the real thing, only one turns up at a time (no-one else is mad enough).

I picture in my head a(n omni)bus with the words Polish and Forums emblazoned across the front.
3 Dec 2007 #74
it is Monday, if you know what I mean;))))))))))))))

tongue sticking out in anticipation
osiol 55 | 3,921
3 Dec 2007 #75

Tong? As in half of a pair of tongs?
Thong sticking out, perhaps.

Okay - I shall read that as tongue.

edit: Now you've changed it, this post here seems somewhat irrelevant.
Shall I delete what I have typed here or not?
3 Dec 2007 #76
Okay - I shall read that as tongue.

yes, sorry:)))))))))))))))
LondonChick 31 | 1,133
3 Dec 2007 #77
I'm reading this thread with the Eastenders theme tune in my head :)
osiol 55 | 3,921
3 Dec 2007 #78
Polish Forums omnibus

Those words fit the first line, but lucky me - I haven't had a TV for so long, I can't even remember more than the first line and a half of the Eastenders theme tune. I can still remember all of the Simpsons theme. I once tried to learn to play it on the mandolin, but it was just too tricky.
3 Dec 2007 #79
Where is this week's edition I wonder?
osiol 55 | 3,921
3 Dec 2007 #80
Osioł's omnibus.

Some stuff happened this week on the forum. There were some people squabbling, a bit of name calling. There was even a bit of mateyness at times. People posted stuff about Poland and that... There were some translations, one or two new members. Someone visiting somewhere in America - that got a thread of its own. Some other stuff. You know.

The End.
3 Dec 2007 #81
Ahem...(clears throat)

Where's this week's edition I wonder?

(No, actually yours was fairly accurate...)
OP szarlotka 8 | 2,208
3 Dec 2007 #82
Osioł's omnibus.

The crown has passed.

Given a choice between skiing and writing an Omnibus guess what won.

Just talk amongst yourselves.......
osiol 55 | 3,921
3 Dec 2007 #83
Next Monday, I shall attempt to use the words 'things' and 'stuff' just a few times more.
glowa 1 | 291
3 Dec 2007 #84
add 'whatever' and you won't need any other words to say... whatever
osiol 55 | 3,921
3 Dec 2007 #85
Osioł's omnibus - pull-out supplement (not in colour, yet)

yeah... wha'ever...
3 Dec 2007 #86
maybe for southern's sake, you could add a center-fold!
OP szarlotka 8 | 2,208
17 Dec 2007 #87
Welcome to another edition of the world famous 'Polish Forums Omnibus Edition'. As our regular reader has pointed out in no uncertain terms, there has been a wee break in our scribblings of late. The team have been out taking advantage of some good early snow conditions in Europe to get some skiing in. Obviously they could have taken time out to keep up the good work but decided to keep on skiing and eating and drinking and eating and skiing and drinking instead (Ed - no copy no pay boys). As a consequence we are at a loss on how to start this week. Do we go back over the last three weeks for continuity? Do we just summarise the last week? Do we just write any old crap? (Ed - as per the norm). Our instincts tell us to just pick out a few tasty morsels. More finger buffet than formal feast.

New Year, new liver

Several people have been looking for tips on the best place to be in Poland to see in the New Year in the most hedonistic way imaginable. One obviously confused individual could not even make up his mind which town or city to be in let alone which club. Some way to go for him we think. For what it's worth Szarlotka offers the benefit of his many years and experience in seeing in the New Year - find out where the local 'entrepreneurs' are going to be and tag along. By entrepreneurs we obviously mean those gentlemen who have many minders and many blondes in tow. You know the sort - Armani this, Hugo Boss that, Gucci nose hair removers. As long as you behave yourself you will have a ball. A good trick is to offer to clear their tables of the bottle of Crystal Champagne. There is always a few inches of the bubbly left in each bottle. Just don't offer to dance with their 'nieces'. Kneecaps are precious things.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

The worldwide weather forecasts have been pouring in. It's dumping snow everywhere it would seem. Well apart from Texas where, according to PolishgirlTX, it's 47 degrees. Never mind, get that snowboard out on the Dunes and get a tan at the same time. Mysteriously it would appear that there is no snow in Warsaw which is irritating Mufasa no end. This is another example of the problems with capital cities in our view. All that hot air from politicians means the snow has no chance to settle. Check it out - London only has snow when Parliament is in recess. Not only do they tax us to death, they stop us getting the white stuff.

Simply the best

The most beautiful, vibrant and cosmopolitan city in Poland is Wroclaw. Not our claim but there appears to be a groundswell of support for the Old Lady of the Odra. Nice to see provincial rivalries are thriving out in Poland. The Krakow Crew had their say. Interesting that nobody voted for Warsaw, even with the proposed new mega skyscraper. To be honest this whole debate is a futile academic exercise. Everyone knows deep in their hearts that only possible winner for the title is actually Liverpool. The docks, the row upon row of quaint terraced houses, the Cathedrals, Speke, John Lennon Airport, Toxteth, Croxteth, Kirby, The clear running waters of the Mersey..... Liverpool has it all. Pony trekking and camping.... (Ed - that's Finland you wally)

Are you a dog person or a cat person?

A lively debate on this thread that almost stayed on topic for the first couple of pages. The crux of the debate seemed to come down to two simple themes. Firstly, cats are for women and dogs are for men. Secondly, if you are a man and you like cats you are either severely mentally impaired or just a little bit 'pink' shall we say. Actually the first of these is actually true in the Szarlotka household. Sz had the faithful Labrador Freddie and Mrs Sz had three cats. All was well in the house until Freddie passed on to grace the lampposts in the sky. Now the three cats rule the house. As an academic exercise Sz has taken to trying to train the cats. The picture below shows the results of teaching the white one to play dead. Who says cats can't be tamed heh?

Lviv Love In

Opinions seem divided as to whether The Poles and Ukranians love each other or hate each other's guts. Apparently they both did unspeakably nasty things to each other. Mind you that was all in the past. To us they seem pretty friendly towards each other these days. They seem pretty too. The remarkable thing about this thread was the sight of the big white cuddly dog in the role of the balanced, reasonable peace maker. Perhaps he is really going for that Nobel Peace Prize. Or maybe it's just that Christmas festive spirit - peace on earth and goodwill to all men (even Germans?).

And the worst thing in Poland is........

There were lots of bad things put forward - queues, ZUS, politicians.... Our favourite has to be strawberry scented loo paper. What good is that then? Next thing you know they'll be having soft loo rolls. In my day you were lucky to get a Dock leaf. Another example of the World going soft. Nothing character forming about scented sanitary ware.

And finally:

Under normal circumstances modesty would forbid us including the following item (Ed - modesty? Don't make me laugh) but because the Edition is looking a little bit 404 (Content not found) we have no hesitation in including a few reviews of this column from the National press.

The Omnibus Edition transports us back in time to a gentler age. An age of chivalry, of good manners, of tiffin on the rolling lawns of our embassies around the world. It evokes memories of long hot summers and of cricket on the village green.The Daily Telegraph

The Omnibus Edition is a national disgrace. Rather than writing about Poland Mr Szarlotka should turn his meagre talents to documenting the crumbling of our way of life. It's Poland this and Poland that. It won't be long before we Brits are in a minority. There are 29,000 Polish babies born every day in Coventry alone. Enough is enough.The Daily Mail.

Mr Szarlotka deftly illustrates the need for the proletariat to be on their guard against a resurgence of the capitalist exploitation of the common man.The Daily Mirror

Bear eaten alive by Lapdancer. The Sun

There was also a review by the Spectator but none of us could understand a word of it.

Hvae a good Christmas and New Year everybody.
osiol 55 | 3,921
17 Dec 2007 #88
Nice to see the omnibus return.
Does that mean I am the reader?
17 Dec 2007 #89
Hvae a good Christmas and New Year everybody.

you too .. better late than never as the saying goes ....

interesting read .. i mean round up of the latest on the vine :)
osiol 55 | 3,921
17 Dec 2007 #90
better late than never

Don't tell me I missed it!
I didn't realise it took me that long to recover from Saturday night.

Home / Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition

Please login or sign-up on the main page to post in this category!