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PF - The Omnibus Edition

osiol 55 | 3,921
29 Oct 2007 #31
I even refuse to eat my fish and chips if they're wrapped in a tabloid

You get so much more in a broadsheet.
29 Oct 2007 #32
bless the donkey ... always thinking more :D
osiol 55 | 3,921
29 Oct 2007 #33
always thinking more

more or less.
OP szarlotka 8 | 2,208
5 Nov 2007 #34
Another exciting week of all out action, informed and uninformed debate, abuse and flirting has drawn to a close. The expanded team here have been stretched to keep up with the sheer pace of PF this week. The primary cause of their struggle has been the almost obsessive desire to come up with an original name for this column. Let’s face it ‘Omnibus Edition’ conjures up images of either high brow late night TV debates between ancient professors and militant feminists or, worse still, three hour Sunday afternoons sat in front of the box watching Neighbours, Home and Away or Eastenders. The original choice was to be ‘The Edge’ but after intervention from U2’s lawyers this was shelved. Then we came up with ‘The Edge Chronicles’ but the youngest Szarlotka pooh poohed that one. Know it all little book worm. Next we hit upon ‘The Rim’. This was deemed not to convey the young, dynamic image that we needed so we finally settled on ‘Rimmed’. However, a Google search to confirm that no-one else had thought of this one revealed some rather unsavoury results. Quite frankly we have enough weirdos on here at times and using ‘Rimmed’ might exacerbate the problem. So in desperation we are compelled to ‘ask the audience’. The most original name will win a small furry stuffed toy animal that Szarlotka won at the fun fair over the weekend.

As the confidence and maturity of the team here has increased, we are now striving to present a more holistic and balanced view of the week’s proceedings in this edition (Ed – cut the crap boys, I know you’ve not read much this week. Just make it up, no-one will ever know and holistic just means unread). Ok Rupert, understood.

The Big Picture (ha ha - yah boo sucks to you)

The big news story was the second birthday of PF on Halloween. Admin was reluctant to confirm the exact date, mumbling something about it being close enough. This reluctance to divulge the true birthday leads us to the conclusion that Admin must really be female. Two years – time flies. Just think, some of the people posting here now were not even born then or were still locked up.

In a worrying development, the conflict that started between ConstantineK and Lukasz appears to be spreading globally. Everywhere we looked there was evidence of sporadic small arms fire between members. The mods had their work cut out to control some of the outbreaks despite, or maybe because of their, calling in the United Nations peacekeeping troops who, true to form, started arguing and fighting with each other. Several members were banned for a while. Some took it stoically but the big white cuddly dog would not lie down and came back strongly. He has now declared war on all robots. Hal9009 is a computer rather than a robot but could be next in line.

Nowhere was the fighting more vicious than on the beaches of Southern England. The English took some fearful stick this week. A few renegade trolls from the inner city estates of England flamed the fires of the global conflict. The chief protagonists were a couple of clowns called Lewis and Looy (did he miss the ‘ne’ out of his name) whom we think used to star in The Professionals but maybe we are wrong there. The reaction was dramatic. Interestingly enough most of the condemnations of the English being work shy, xenophobic, ugly, drunken losers came not from the Polish community here but from other places of origin types living in the UK or even from Brits themselves. It gladdens our hearts to see that the true English tolerance and stoicism that made this country great shone through yet again. We could have resorted to jokes about sheep shagging or The Chokers (previously known as the All Blacks) but no, we resisted the temptation and politely turned the other cheek. Or maybe nobody could respond because we had to sign on down the social security office and then we had to go to the pub and after that we were all too wasted to type.

The bravest post this week has to be that from Isthatu in which he declared London and Liverpool to be cesspits that gave a bad impression of the real England. No matter whether you agree with the man you have to admire his sticking with his convictions despite knowing that by posting them here he has consigned himself to never having hub caps or an in car entertainment system ever again. Word reaches us from Merseyside that Isthatu is now the second recipient of the dreaded Fatwal, the first being Boris Johnson. Fatwal is actually short for Fat Wally who is the largest, meanest, least educated and ugliest man to come out of Croxteth since Wayne Rooney. Since Fat Wally has failed to find such a highly conspicuous public figure as Boris in four years Istahtu may be safe for a little while yet.

Several of the UK knockers (Ed – rephrase that one please) kept banging on and on about Britain’s colonial past and the Empire and so on and so forth. Obviously they must be avid readers of the Daily telegraph which for the uninformed is the newspaper of choice for those who believe that Britain still has an Empire. Oh and also for people who like the famous daily crossword, even though Oscar Wilde or some such wit once declared the crossword to be the ‘last refuge of a lazy mind’.

Crnogorac started a thread for Poles in the UK to say what they feel about the UK. A new runner this one but as yet no ‘legitimate’ replies from Poles in the UK have been received. PS Miranda, if you thought Heathrow was threatening then you should see it now. Still armed guards everywhere - but now there are construction workers and customer baggage claims staff by the million there too. Give me armed guards any day.

Sensing the darkening mood, Babylon2007 declared that he wanted Ireland to be separated from the UK so that the thread category should be no longer called Polonia UK. After much light hearted banter, Admin has renamed the thread heading Polonia UK and Ireland. Good idea which we support but the Cornish are getting hot under the collar now. Canada has also been separated from the USA.

All of the above conflicts allied to the impending global crisis in the world’s financial markets that was born out of dipstick bankers on large bonuses lending money to people living in swamps or trailer parks (hint - six times annual income is still zero if the income is zero ) has led us to implement changes in our lifestyles. At chez Szarlotka we have stocked up the wine cellar, raised the drawbridge and retreated to the west wing. We will not feel entirely safe until the perimeter wall has been raised by a further six feet but everybody else has the same idea so we can’t find a builder for love nor money. In desperation we have posted adverts throughout the whole of Europe only to be told that they are all working in Poznan. As an interim measure we have employed those nice chaps from Blackwater to stroll amongst the grounds to deter unwelcome visitors in that polite but firm way of theirs.

Lighter Bites – the Healthy Living Menu.

Nostalgia – it ain’t what it used to be. Maybe it’s a sign of the growth of PF but several old chestnuts came home to roost this week (Ed – mixed metaphors are a sign of low breeding Sz). Babi wanted to know why we call ourselves by our PF names. Interestingly several people gave different answers this time around (Ed – including you). The Donkey wanted long standing members without introductions threads to tell the Forum about themselves – ‘just for the record’. PolishgirlTX took the bait. Many of us have yet to comply, being stubborn as mules no doubt.

Two regulars returned to the fold during the week. Bubbles is back from cruising. No big deal as we here can do that even without a boat. Smooth jazz is back from a month in PL. Given the chance to talk to nice people about lighter subjects or Neanderthals about serious subjects we say go for the former – GIDDY UP.

Osiol posted an original track from his upcoming new album ‘Gone to Grass’. The whole music thing had a Scottish dimension this week and it transpired that Scottish bands had very few Scots in them whilst Australian bands had loads of Scots in them. All very confusing but it’s a sign of the global economy. Next up Northern soul (yes England has our soul singers too) performed by Kashmiris or Peruvians.

In a rare case of a Pie eating humble pie, Szarlotka was given a bloody nose by Barbi. Not only did she reappear after her introduction (see last week’s issue for details) but she proceeded to post great dollops of common sense. Mea Culpa.

Nobody has announced a specific cyber crush to our knowledge. Incidentally if you do declare a crush is it a crush any more? It would have to be a relationship or maybe a break up we think. That’s one for the philosophers to fight over. Plato versus Descartes over on HBO at 6pm EST.

The quotations thread is still a good daily visit. Hats off to Ranj for starting it and continuing to post daily gems of wisdom.

In Conclusion

A high octane, testosterone filled week then. We feel duty bound to salute the quiet soldiers of the Forum. Each week there is sound and helpful advice given and the sheer volume of translation assistance given is remarkable. This week alone we have had advice on suspected pregnancy, alcoholism, accommodation in just about every city in PL and we here now know the location of every Polish restaurant in the UK. In other words, despite the headline grabbing disagreements (Ed – which you shamelessly exploit, good man) the Forum is working very well.

We are coming back round to the ‘The Edge’ as our title. Perhaps if we give Bonio the chance to pen a regular update on eliminating world poverty we can get around the legal thing.

That’s it for another week. Time to start the Christmas shopping next week. Tempus fugit.
5 Nov 2007 #35
thanks Szarlotka:)- say Hello to Julia T from me:)
Daisy 3 | 1,224
5 Nov 2007 #36
Another good one........I like the name as it is........but then I can't be assed to think of anything original
ShelleyS 14 | 2,893
5 Nov 2007 #37
yet again another splendid read :)
OP szarlotka 8 | 2,208
5 Nov 2007 #38
say Hello to Julia T from me:)

Flying out later ... but I think she is in a higher social circle then me....
5 Nov 2007 #39
but I think she is in a higher social circle then me....

she might think so.....too bad though -I though I could pass a "friendly advise on her hairo", but maybe that would put you at risk in a foreign land:)
5 Nov 2007 #40
still has me giggling .. great work szarlotka as usual for the round up :D

name ... mmm . jury still out on that yes the current title does sound like the usual tv round ups in one go but it has a nice ring to it.
Babi 4 | 42
5 Nov 2007 #41
haha I got a mention before, how cool!
osiol 55 | 3,921
5 Nov 2007 #42
Thanks for advertising my forthcoming album.

OP szarlotka 8 | 2,208
5 Nov 2007 #43
No probs - is the cheque in the post?
12 Nov 2007 #44
hello Szarlotka,
it is Monday and I am looking forward reading Omnibus issue #3;)
12 Nov 2007 #45
t is Monday and I am looking forward reading Omnibus issue #3;)

likewise .. maybe he has gone to print with this weeks edition :)
OP szarlotka 8 | 2,208
12 Nov 2007 #46
Omnibus Edition - Issue 4

Deadlines – who needs them? In what could be a world record, the authors have encountered writer’s block after only three editions. This is a serious problem that also affected one of our favourite authors of all time, Tom Sharpe. We have tried everything we know this week to get back into focus – holding our breath, only drinking best bitter and red wine, chanting, cold showers – all to no avail. In desperation we even resorted to trying to respond to posts using a maximum of three words to follow the Gzgregorz example. Even that failed miserably since the same words – tosh, crap and bollocks kept coming up. (Ed – careful boys – that’s the name of our lawyers) After another sleepless night we trudged despondently into the office today, stuffed newspapers down our trousers and walked in to face the Editor holding a blank sheet of A4 in our trembling hands. Imagine our surprise when instead of the thrashing we were expecting, the boss took us all out for a nice lunch and a cosy pep talk. It appears that his autocratic management style has been seen from on high and, after a one to one session with HR, he is a changed man.

He listened intently to our problems, nodding supportively at the relevant points. After the third glass of port he suddenly drew himself up to his full 5’ 2” and delivered his plan of action. The Edition must get through he said. It doesn’t have to be accurate, amusing or even relevant. Write about the weather or Britney Spear’s number 1 cut, anything but write you must. Stunned we meekly agreed to do our best. The old look came briefly back into his eye and we picked out the word ‘downsized’ in his quiet mumblings. So welcome to this week’s edition of ‘Not the PF Omnibus Edition’.

Smile, though your heart is breaking.

The great news is that they’re back. No not the smilies but the people who want the smilies to be reinstated. From everywhere they flocked. Heart rending tales of how smilies had made them better people and how smilies had supported global peace and harmony were supplemented with sad tales of descents into alcoholism, vegetable abuse and the irrational desire to read the Daily Mail since the demise of the cute little emoticons. Faced with the clamours for reinstatement, Admin broke a thousand hearts but refusing to have his neat and tidy forum littered with shallow tokens of woolly thought. A picture may be worth a thousand words but obviously they are the wrong words. Is this the end of the matter? This one could run and run. This thread has now made more comebacks than David Bowie.

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics.

Given the pressing need to write something, or anything, we ignored reading post after post and cut straight to the threads with the big post numbers. In so doing we were appalled to realise that three of them – How much do you hate Poland and Polish people, The English are xenophobic towards the Polish and Polish Immigration in the UK – were all following the same, sad path. Apparently we all hate each other. Whether that was always the case or just as a result of reading the latest post is unclear. In our opinion we must learn to put aside our suspicions and learn to live in perfect harmony (Ed – and teach the world to sing eh boys?). In order to facilitate this we propose to utilise an old playground trick. We have to agree on a weak group that we can all pick on together. So we propose to start a thread which is provisionally entitled ‘Peru – what a dump”. If this fails then Plan B will be resort to jareck8’s suggestions of closing downs pubs and clubs, banning drinking, making attendance at churches compulsory and giving up your seat to old ladies on the Tube.

Oh and the other big threads are word association, Polish word association and Cyber Crush. Shallow? If we were a sea we’d be the Sarogossa. We had a psychology graduate check out the word association thread. One or two of you have some big problems. Disturbing patterns are emerging. Constant references to beer or sex are giving the game away.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas (Ed – not sure we can get away with this anymore)

Apparently, it may or may not be winter now. A whole thread on debating this cold topic has emerged. Personally we can’t see the point in worrying about it. If you’re queuing for a taxi and its minus 20 degrees Centigrade with ice on your eyebrows and the boxer shorts have turned into the stately home variety (plenty of ballroom) who gives a cuss whether it is technically winter or not.

However, winter does bring Christmas. Krysia has, in the spirit of global festiveness, launched PF’s very own version of Secret Santa. It appears to floundering on the delicate issue of having to know the address of members in order to get the little tokens of our affection to our fellow Forumites. Daisy in particular does not want to have her identity stolen. Others are wary of being stalked by the more deranged of us. Can these problems be resolved? We were more than happy to have the Ferrari delivered to a Post Office Box address. Then, however, we recalled the last Secret Santa involving Polish people. Up until then we thought marital aids were ear muffs.

It’s not the winning, it’s the taking part that counts.

Is it heck! In an earlier edition we noted that the big white cuddly dog was on course to be the first five star poster. Have we spoken too soon? There has been a resurgence of posts from Krysia and Bubbawoo. On the face of it would appear to be a three horse race. Not true in our opinion. Coming up on the rails is a Donkey. In less than 3 months ‘Donk’ as we refer to him has rattled up over 3,200 posts. Will there now be a frantic attempt by the front runners to head him off at the post. Before you start laying money on the winner, remember the crucial role that admin has in the race. Who has the most posts in the Off Topic (will be deleted, oh yes) section? Too close to call we think, and anyway we have lost too much money on donkeys in the big races in the past.

The Royal Visit

We were honoured to have royalty posting this week. Lady Catalina (why do the upper classes name their kids after Flying Boats?) dropped by using the handle StudentKa. After receiving an answer to her original exchange rate request (may we suggest Yahoo Finance your Majesty) she wanted somebody in Poland to sort of drive her around for free yah. She seemed to be slightly miffed by some of the responses. As excited as we are about having Royalty on PF, we are concerned about how quickly Frank responded here. To the extent that we think Frank was having a wind up moment with us. Come on Frank, admit it - it was you wasn’t it.

Marry me, marry you ahaaaah

The thread debating whether it was socially acceptable for women to pop the question has rumbled on. From a cursory read through there does not appear to be consensus view on this one. Everyone seems to realise that women drop more hints on marriage than the average B52 drops bombs but on the crucial final question of should they give up waiting on the useless, indecisive, insecure and emotionally frozen male in their life and tell him that is going to be married there is some doubt. If you are in this situation then wait for the next leap year or just keep the hints dropping. If you do decide to take the direct approach have a paramedic on hand.

Six months left to live – what would you do?

A new thread which we intend to monitor closely in the future. Early suggestions range from the continuous party to travelling the world (ever tried getting travel insurance with a medical condition?) to helping others to telling the boss he is a mastodon (we liked this one ). Drop by soon and give us your views. Will anybody insist that they love their job so much they will work until they draw their last breath?

The (dim)witty conclusion

So another week has passed by. Inside the Forum controversy and agitation reigned supreme. Out in the real world it was all goodness and light. That nice Dr. Bari suggested that the UK was showing all the signs of Nazi Germany and that a good dose of Muslim culture and justice would do us all the world of good. Ooh yes please that would be wonderful.

The part of Poland that is forever Bedfordshire (Szarlotka’s local pub) has been buzzing. In the darts it was England 7 Poland 1. Jacek S (name changed to protect the innocent) has been practising social integration by playing golf with Szarlotka. Despite claiming that he has only played twice before Jacek proceeded to go round in only 9 over par off a generous handicap of 24. Can somebody please translate the word bandit into Polish please?

Finally, it is worth noting that attempts to have mentions in this Edition will only work when accompanied by brown paper bags stuffed full of cash. We are sorry but rules are rules.

Wroclaw 44 | 5,379
12 Nov 2007 #47
Omnibus Edition - Issue 4

I have found that I too am finding myself waiting for each edition.

Thanks sz.
BubbaWoo 33 | 3,506
12 Nov 2007 #48
gosh... monday again...?

doesnt time fly and only 1 more week to go... woohoo!

cheers PP
Daisy 3 | 1,224
12 Nov 2007 #49
If this becomes more popular than PF it's self, Admin may send it to the land of the Smileys

Another good one Sz
12 Nov 2007 #50
it is good to start my week with PF Omnibus... i feel much better already :D
Ranj 21 | 947
12 Nov 2007 #51
gosh... monday again...?

doesnt time fly and only 1 more week to go... woohoo!

hello 22 | 890
12 Nov 2007 #52
Very witty - you must be a professional reporter... :)
osiol 55 | 3,921
12 Nov 2007 #53
Who is this Ed character anyway?
OP szarlotka 8 | 2,208
13 Nov 2007 #54
Very witty - you must be a professional reporter

LOL - If you had just taken a shot in football you would have just hit the corner flag

Who is this Ed character anyway?

He or she is the literary equivalent of 'The Stig'.
beckski 12 | 1,617
13 Nov 2007 #55
Where are they now?

Here we appeal for any news on missing members who have dropped off our radar

Any one know what ever happened to Goonie and Eastender? Did they fall off the face of the earth? Lol!
13 Nov 2007 #56
Any one know what ever happened to Goonie and Eastender?

And Ken Noddy, Moon [others?]...?
OP szarlotka 8 | 2,208
19 Nov 2007 #57
Welcome to the fifth edition of the Omnibus. To be honest it has been difficult to write anything this week. No, it’s not more writers block. Rather Szarlotka is losing the will to live let alone the will to post on PF. Reading some of the bile and general garbage that has made it through the sanity filters this week has been a distressing task. We are truly suffering for our art this week. Where do all these eejits come from? Is there a training school for Trolls deep in the jungle somewhere? If so we think the Special Forces should be despatched to guide in the bombers.

We’re football crazy, we’re football mad.

Well the good news was obviously Poland getting through to the Euro2008 finals. No doubt there were a few sore heads the next day out there in Poland. Sadly, Scotland were eliminated by the Italians – with a little help from a very short sighted Spanish linesman. (Ed – lying git – you were celebrating when Italy scored). England were handed a massive reprieve by an Israeli reserve team with an average age of 13. No doubt Slavic pride will kick in and Croatia will beat England and let Russia in. Just joking – Stevie Gerrard is going to see us through. Not that we deserve it but life is unfair. If it wasn’t then Szarlotka would look like Brad Pitt, sing like Pavarotti, play golf like Tiger Woods and not to have to work anymore.

Chicago, Chicago it’s a hell of a town.

Diaries have been synchronised, Sledz has the beer on tap and the next big PF meet up (US branch) is on. As we write the Bubbawoo is somewhere above the Atlantic en route to the US of A. No doubt he will re-lease the aircraft, change the flight crew and restructure the Airline before passing Iceland. We here will raise a glass at the appropriate time to another successful meet. Obviously we should be looking to hold meet ups in Poland, Ireland and the UK. However, the UK one could be a problem because the general consensus of the Forum would appear to be that the Brits are incapable of organising anything, even a p*ss up in a brewery. Speaking as someone who once dated the daughter of a brewery owner Szarlotka would dispute that. (Ed – love at first sip eh?)

Poland in mass Brit immigration shock.

News broke that Poland has suffered a traumatic and potentially disastrous British invasion. It transpires that the new Polish Finance Minister is a Brit of Polish extraction. We may well have 700,000 Poles over here but it strikes us that Poland has come off worse. The cultural shock is of a seismic nature. Get used to sound bites, unimplementable policies and general charm offensives.

The Mounties always get their man (even if it’s the wrong one).

The tragic case of the visitor from Poland who died as a result of the RCMP using a Tazer on him has been prominent this week. The reports of his memorial service in Canada were very moving. It beggars belief that this could have happened.

At a personal level Szarlotka is worried since Mrs Sz I, as we write, is in Vancouver visiting (i.e. bailing out again) the eldest mini Szarlotka. He is not too concerned for her safety rather that of the RCMP if they attempt to mess with Mrs Sz. Talking of Vancouver, we have not heard from Decorator much since he arrived there. Obviously he must be having too good a time to talk to us. Either that or he is living rough on Granville Street.

PhD Anybody?

Mufasa has launched a thread to find out what we would describe PF as being. Mysteriously she is not coming clean as to why she needs our views. Further she is refusing to tell us her views or what the purpose of her research is. We are left to surmise that Mufasa is obviously writing a PhD thesis on the socio-economic impact of Internet Forums and in a fiendish twist is getting us to write it for her. The more of you who join in the sooner we get to know her intent.

Whale on Japanese

No, it’s not a new country and western singer. The Japanese have announced their intention to resume hunting the Humpback Whale in the interests of ‘scientific research’. Most of us deplore the senseless hunting of these noble creatures. Most of us are also upset about the whales being killed too. There is one strong supporter of the Japanese action on the Forum whose views have ensured a dynamic and lively debate. Obviously this would stop if someone harpooned him.

Oy vey, get offa my landski

Apparently 10,000 Israelis want to adopt Polish citizenship and move back to claim their ancestral lands in Poland. We assume that they are not the same Israelis that annexed large parts of the West Bank or Gaza. That would be hypocrisy wouldn’t it? Anyway the general opinion of Forum members is that they should back off. In a way it is a shame since it would have opened the door for Szarlotka to reclaim Warwickshire which his ancestors apparently owned before tragically siding with the Royalists. Unfortunately the dour, religious and generally boring Roundheads won but now justice can be done, assuming that Gordon Brown – who is obviously a descendant of Oliver Cromwell – approves of the annexation.

Driving Miss Daisy (or any other Forum Member for that matter).

Tornado2007 created a storm (Ed – Groan) by demanding to know why foreigners just can’t drive over here without causing mayhem and carnage. Despite his pleas for a sensible non racially motivated debate based upon facts not opinions, it descended into the classic ‘Brits drive on the wrong side of the road’ discussion. Then the Empire and colonial behaviour got dragged in to the topic. Obviously we drive on the left just to annoy people and guess what – it works! Very soon our roads will be so congested that the average injury from a head on collision will be the spilling of one’s coffee. It’s very hard to kill someone when doing 5 miles an hour.

Regular readers may recall that it was Lithuanian that crashed into the back of Szarlotka’s car at a roundabout. However, the last person to do that before then was a Geordie. I think this puts him in the thread neutral position.

Apparently Yorkshire Police (it’s north of Watford Sledz so don’t worry about the Geography too much) are spending huge amounts of money on translation services to tell foreigners that they are about to be arrested. Of course the ‘you are a Polonophobe’ brigade jumped on to this one. Stupid buggers. Everyone knows that most of that money is spent translating the utterings of the Police to bemused southern visitors to the Peoples Republic of South Yorkshire.

And so the end is near

Actually it is here not near. This week’s edition is much abridged. There has been a nasty incident of work interfering with Szarlotka’s social life. Never mind, in two weeks time unemployment will overtake him. Tragically this seems to happen for 4-6 weeks every year around this time. (Ed – it’s snowing in the Alps – any connection?) So brevity has kicked in. Fare thee well.

Post long and prosper.
Daisy 3 | 1,224
19 Nov 2007 #58
My Mondays wouldn't be complete without it :)

thanks Sz...a whole post without name calling and bickering...I love it :)
19 Nov 2007 #59
Brilliant round up once again mate thats my weekly dose of sanity till next time round
OP szarlotka 8 | 2,208
19 Nov 2007 #60
till next time round

That may be the last one. It's a bit like my dinner in that it's fast approaching its sell by date.

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