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My Polish wife doesn't want to move to the UK with me - what to do?


Patrycja19 63 | 2,699
8 Dec 2007 #31
there are a few more dimensions to the story...

well I agree with all of your posts,, you show very much that marriage is supposed to
be a committment and also to compromise in such situations.. thats what its all
about,, they both need to sit and seriously discuss whats going to be best for their
future and work on it.. its for better and worse.. either way you both have to
get on the same wave to sail calm waters.
the_falkster 1 | 180
8 Dec 2007 #32
that marriage is supposed to
be a committment

Patricja, not only marriage. i believe you already have to be comitted, BEFORE you go the ultimate step...
but i absolutely get your point.

in this case though, i have the impression that britguyabroad forgot the idea of "before". i do not know the details but it seems they rushed into things without realising what difficulties an "international" relationship actually might bring with it later down the line...

very hard to give proper advice... :(
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699
8 Dec 2007 #33
very hard to give proper advice... :(

agree.. I fear this ones not going to make it. I hope they both prove me wrong.
marek s - | 269
8 Dec 2007 #34
a little bit black and white, isn't it?

life to me is pretty much black or white, that way it cuts out all the clutter in between.

her husband is now part of her family

yes he is, but not family as in blood.
you only have one set of parents, brothers, sister and such. a person can get married many of times though.
Eurola 4 | 1,906
8 Dec 2007 #35
It looks like you, Britguyabroad, made up your mind already. The fact that you don't even like to be there (Poland) and "everything" is wrong there, including the weather, does make me think that you are ready to go back to UK with your wife - or not...

It's pretty sad, but when you're not happy - she isn't either. She follows you to UK, she'll be not happy and you will not be happy either. Yes, you should have talked about any kind of possibilities before you got married. Unfortunately, in today's world love does not conquer all, it's just a romantic notion.

Somehow, I don't see your love surviving it. Nowadays, a wife is not expected to go where her husband wants to go...and why should she?
marek s - | 269
8 Dec 2007 #36
It looks like you, Britguyabroad, made up your mind already.

i agree
Kowalski 7 | 621
8 Dec 2007 #37
At last resort: bribe her. Let her be a wifehouse while in UK with car at her disposal.
tomekcatkins 8 | 130
8 Dec 2007 #38
The girl really likes to live in Poland. If my partner really likes to live somewhere I would adapt myself to it. I mean what is the effort of learning a language and culture compared to the happiness of your wife?
Eurola 4 | 1,906
8 Dec 2007 #39
what is the effort of learning a language and culture compared to the happiness of your wife?

Only, if it makes you happy to make your wife happy...but if you feel miserable, you can;t make her happy - can you? :)
Firestorm 6 | 400
8 Dec 2007 #40
Hmmmm

why do I get a feeling that the love is gone.

I cant help but feel it wasnt really there in the first place..
He's been there 18 months..

Never Communicated before the wedding..
Hates the weather..
Cant speak the language..
Has Problems with her family..
And No career Prospects.. ( "But he is flexible on where to live as he works via the internet.")

Did i miss anything..??

polish-speaking bit is a major problem for me. But also, the soviet-style communist flats, busy roads, parochial attitudes also make the place quite depressing, especially in winter. In the summer, i find the humidity quite high too;

And her thoughts on English attitudes. Expensive Flats.. Crap Weather. Busy Roads.?

one's ambitions shouldnt be suffocated by the hope to live near your immediate family. Therefore, there seems no point living in a country with so many personal difficulties, when i could live in the UK at similar cost.

What about HER Ambitions.? HER Family.?

I agree with all of your posts,, you show very much that marriage is supposed to
be a committment and also to compromise in such situations.. thats what its all
about,

Sounds to me like SHE is the one expected to do ALL the Compromising..
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699
8 Dec 2007 #41
Sounds to me like SHE is the one expected to do ALL the Compromising..

yes I seen that too. when someone already has their mind made up then asks
questions. its really lost at this point.. hes found faults.. in everything .
Firestorm 6 | 400
8 Dec 2007 #42
hes found faults.. in everything .

And it seems.
Made no effort to fit in..
Or make things easier for her.
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699
8 Dec 2007 #43
well as the_falkster says, he made no effort to communicate prior to his marriage
which is important to both , especially if your marrying someone from another
country, you have to take into consideration that this will be a issue later on .. so it
has to be talked about.. unless one or the other is willing to commit to living in either
country its a lost cause really.. she wants to stay near her family. he is homesick.

but it will be the same with her, he will be near his family and she will be homesick.
a no win situation.
Firestorm 6 | 400
8 Dec 2007 #44
Agreed.

These are things they should have discussed before. Not after.

Whoever said. " Fools rush in. " :))

But Mb ( lil_Britguy ) Did all His thinking.. LOL
the_falkster 1 | 180
9 Dec 2007 #45
but not family as in blood.
you only have one set of parents, brothers, sister and such. a person can get married many of times though

again black and white...

if you will have kids in the future they are your blood too, right?

doesn't the church forbid to get married more than once? in a catholic society like poland such a comment is rather inappropriate.

and at the end not being able to live without "your blood" nearby completely restricts you in all decisions. if you have a good relationship with your parents, brothers and sisters (and so on) it doesn't matter where you live as the relation is strong enough to deal with the distance. especially today in times of the internet and cheap phone calls.

in this case here i am a little bit irritated HOW some people give "advice"...
marek s - | 269
9 Dec 2007 #46
if you will have kids in the future they are your blood too, right?

correct, but husband and wife are not blood.

and at the end not being able to live without "your blood" nearby completely restricts you in all decisions.

maybe in your eyes. in polish culture family is very important.

it doesn't matter where you live as the relation is strong enough to deal with the distance

your opinion

in this case here i am a little bit irritated HOW some people give "advice"...

maybe if you were full blooded polish, you would understand.
who says your "advice" is worth a damm?
tomekcatkins 8 | 130
9 Dec 2007 #47
Only, if it makes you happy to make your wife happy...but if you feel miserable, you can;t make her happy - can you? :)

You are right on that. And anyhow I haven't lived long enough in another country to know how it is. However I think you should try your best at least to life in that other country. If over 5 years you still feel very miserable, then you could move back.
the_falkster 1 | 180
9 Dec 2007 #48
who says your "advice" is worth a damm?

as i try to be a bit sensitive and relating to the situation i believe my remarks are certainly more helpful than those i quoted above.

don't know why you get so agitated about it as i didn't address you personally with my criticism...

if you were full blooded polish

i don't have to be. as i mentioned above i have polish girlfriend and we had similar discussions. guess what... i can understand the importance of the family connection in polish culture and i am certainly not trying to get people away from that. but if you choose to live with a foreigner you have to consider that this might become an issue somehow, right?

if you are not prepared to deal with this you should marry polish... and THAT arguably can be called a restriction...

or do polish people always expect their (foreign) partners to live with them in poland eventually?

my girlfriend certainly doesn't as she is reasonable enough to consider my concerns in her decision where to live...
we discussed it and decided what is best for both of us.

in all this family tradition thing you must not forget that by committing to a relationship your centre and focus of life changes...
that is not an opinion but fact. otherwise there would be no progress in mankind...

more interesting though that britguyabroad does not post anything anymore...
should he be on his way back to the uk already? ;)
BubbaWoo 33 | 3,510
9 Dec 2007 #49
more interesting though that britguyabroad does not post anything anymore...
should he be on his way back to the uk already

could be but his posts have always been sporadic
the_falkster 1 | 180
9 Dec 2007 #50
his posts have always been sporadic

wasn't his occupation somehow internet based?
hmmm...
BubbaWoo 33 | 3,510
9 Dec 2007 #51
true - but perhaps hes one of the rare breed that actually works when hes on the computer rather than visiting the forum ;-)
marek s - | 269
9 Dec 2007 #53
as i try to be a bit sensitive and relating to the situation

sugar coating isnt a good thing.

i believe my remarks are certainly more helpful than those i quoted above.

thats a good thing that you believe

i don't have to be. as i mentioned above i have polish girlfriend and we had similar discussions. guess what... i can understand the importance of the family connection in polish culture and i am certainly not trying to get people away from that. but if you choose to live with a foreigner you have to consider that this might become an issue somehow, right?

well, seems like they never had the talk about moving to another country.
shes not wanting to leave and he is.

my girlfriend certainly doesn't as she is reasonable enough to consider my concerns in her decision where to live...
we discussed it and decided what is best for both of us.

as the poster had stated, they didnt.

in all this family tradition thing you must not forget that by committing to a relationship your centre and focus of life changes...

not always as it seems in this case.
thats why i posted in this case for him to deal with staying in poland or leave her.
the_falkster 1 | 180
9 Dec 2007 #54
...staying in poland or leave her

sometimes i envy people for the simplicity of seeing everything in black and white...
but then...
no.
OP Britguyabroad 4 | 26
10 Dec 2007 #55
Hi,

Thank you for your much informed opinions. I would say in terms of my relationship with my wife I have compromised 90-95% in terms of sacrifices. Not the other way around.

Agreed we didnt discuss a lot of issues prior to the wedding, but you can never plan so furiously as life wouldnt have any excitement, or twists and turns.

But I think the most difficult thing for me is the cultural thing, I just dont feel I have much in common with the average polish person at all. Even when you skim over the language difficulties, our visions of the world are very different. I am very entrepreneurial in vision, but I just dont see that here at all. Methinks due to the communist past.

Then, like I expressed before are the other reasons to move.
On the financial aspects of life, for my wife, I dont see the point of her killing herself in a dead-end job in Poland for 2000zl a month, when the employment alternatives in the UK are a lot better.

I agree baby steps are the way forward. She has never lived outside poland before, but has visited other countries on holdiays with me. I think we'll just have to thrash out the pros and cons and see what is the result.
the_falkster 1 | 180
10 Dec 2007 #56
first of all you should adjust your focus...

it is not about money and yes your wife might be (financially) better off in britain but has to pay the high price of not being with her family. it is HER to decide how heavy that weighs, not you. sorry but you have to accept and respect her view on things, then you can start having serious discussions on how to resolve problems.

I just dont feel I have much in common with the average polish person at all.

you don't just know that since yesterday, right? how comes that you got close enough to one of them to marry her?

you said 90% of compromise were sacrifices from your side... i can't judge you on that figure as i don't know details, but i believe that it is a bit of a build up for you to convince yourself that it is her turn now to give in (ie move to UK).

entrepreneurial in vision, but I just dont see that here at all. Methinks due to the communist past

i know what you mean. i saw lots of it when the wall came down in berlin... not easy as apparently two worlds clash onto each other. it takes time to embrace change so please don't make the mistake to say you're right and they're wrong.

you're going to have a hard time ahead... be sure to set your priorities right. not easy but maybe we read this post in a year or so and having a laugh... ;)
wildrover 98 | 4,451
10 Dec 2007 #57
I am very entrepreneurial in vision,

If you are entrepreneurial , and the Poles are not then you have every chance of making a good business without a lot of competition...The future as i see it for Poland is tourism , lots of Brits coming here and giving me , and my Polish workers lots of dosh in order to enjoy the unspoilt beauty of Poland....Sadly i have all the idea,s and contacts to do this , but not as yet the money....But i am lioving here , so its a start.....If you are a bit more sorted you could look at the same possibilities i have......I don,t want to give all my idea,s away , but for example....A weeks horse riding in the UK is going to set somebody back the best part of 800 quid....Half that , and even with the expense of organising the Polish riding stable , running around booking hotels for people , and shipping them from place to place , a group of ten people will bring you a nice bit of cash....Your wife can sort out the bits that need to be done in Polish , and you can spend your time chatting in your own language....Its only one of many idea,s i have....i am sure you can think of more.....But you are going to have to learn to tell these tourists what a wonderfull place Poland is......that might be a bit tricky.......For me its easy , i love it here....
Zeze 9 | 79
10 Dec 2007 #58
The right way and only way is move back to the UK play the U2
``with or without you `` for you wife
OP Britguyabroad 4 | 26
10 Dec 2007 #59
All good points. This forum really helps. On the point of entrepreneurship. I agree there is probably less competition for things in Poland. However, there seems a lot of red-tape in terms of getting business done here. Its phenomenally bureaucratic. You'll discover this when you try and set things up.

Wilddrover, what city are you in? How long have you lived here?
wildrover 98 | 4,451
10 Dec 2007 #60
Hi Britguy yeah , there is red tape in every country , but i think its worth giving it a go , and if you have a Polish wife you will find it a bit easier...Besides , in Poland the many years of red tape means that the Poles are experts at getting around it...I am in the north west of Poland near a town called Ostrowice , just off the road between Drawsko pomorskie , and Polczyn zdroj , about 17 kms from Polczyn zdroj....I have been living here two years on an old farm i bought.....


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