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My Polish wife doesn't want to move to the UK with me - what to do?


Britguyabroad 4 | 26
8 Dec 2007  #1
I am a Brit living in Poland, I have lived here for about 18 months. I married a Polish girl but want to move back to the UK now. The only thing is she doesnt want to leave Poland. How can I persuade her to come to the UK? Has anyone had this problem before?
Wroclaw 44 | 5,388
8 Dec 2007  #2
Advice needed

It's difficult to help when you don't explain the real problem.
OP Britguyabroad 4 | 26
8 Dec 2007  #3
The problem is I dont really like living here: problem with language, lack of independence, freezing weather etc. So I want to move to the UK, where at least I can understand life there. Any advice?
Qacer 38 | 125
8 Dec 2007  #4
You can always tell her to accompany you to the UK for an extended vacation. Just don't mention anything related to a permanent move. She needs to be assured that the move is just like a vacation, and that she can go back to Poland any time to visit family and friends.

However, I'm not sure if that is going to work well if she already has a full time job. It normally works a little bit better if she has a business that she can run away from home.

If you are flexible with your employment environment, you can also try partitioning your time between Poland and the UK. Many people do that in the US. They move up North during the warmer months and go down South during the winter.
Wroclaw 44 | 5,388
8 Dec 2007  #5
problem with language,

Give it time and you'll learn. You could take lessons. But not with a family member.

freezing weather

Last winter it was colder in the UK than it was here.

You seem fed up and I feel that your job is probably not going the way you would like it.

You have to spend more time speaking to your wife. Maybe secure work for you and your wife in the UK and then move. Maybe agree to go back for a limited period.
Curtis 3 | 73
8 Dec 2007  #6
Personally wouldn't go for the long vacation thing, because she might see it as you trying to trick her into going and not letting her get back to poland.

If she doesn't know what the UK is like, then she's bound to be scared of going. Taking her on holiday there for 2 or 3 weeks might be better than the long vacation thing. Show her what britian is like and she might open up abit more to the idea.
wildrover 98 | 4,452
8 Dec 2007  #7
Hello Britguy....Its a hard life over here if you don,t go with the flow....I too am a Brit living in Poland , and not a million mls from you....Life in Poland can seem very strange compared to the UK....You should try to be more a part of Polish life , try to find some good Polish friends that speak a little English....Its not easy , i know mate , i had the same problem when first got here , and i didn,t have a Polish wife to help me get through it Even now life is not easy for me , but i have made my mind up i am staying , so mentally i am a Polish resident...Give it a bit longer before you give up on it....PM me if you want , and i will give you my email address , we can moan about Poland together.....Jan.....
OP Britguyabroad 4 | 26
8 Dec 2007  #8
I dont really want to commute back to Poland from the Uk. She doesnt have a job to leave here, but will miss her family. But I dont really feel I have a future here, so thats why I want to move back. Thanks for the advice but I'm still not sure what I can do.
osiol 55 | 3,922
8 Dec 2007  #9
You don't want to stay in Poland. She doesn't want to go to the UK.
Why don't you both rob a bank or two and move to South America?
the_falkster 1 | 180
8 Dec 2007  #10
I married a Polish girl but want to move back to the UK now. The only thing is she doesnt want to leave Poland.

did you two communicate before the wedding???
in a relationship like this (two nationalities) i would assume you have to solve these problems or at least talk about the future BEFORE you tie the knot...

*headshake*

similar story here:
i left Berlin, Germany 3.5 years ago and found my girlfriend here (Leeds, UK) 1.5 years ago. she is from poland and would have gone back already if it wouldn't be for me. polish girls and their families are a very sensitive topic!! careful.

i have quite a nice job here that i would never get in Germany, but she said quite early she does not want to stay in the UK for good... which was a problem for me at that time...

after some thinking and lots of talking we considered all possibilities and are now having a timeline of about three years within which i am going to try to open a branch for our company (architects practice) in Berlin. this way my GF would be closer to home (Szczecin) and family and i can still work for my old employer...

but after reading your post i doubt your means of communication and have to agree with osiols solution to be the best... ;)

good luck though
OP Britguyabroad 4 | 26
8 Dec 2007  #11
Yes we never talked about it really. Regrettably we should of done. The truth is I think she will settle better in the UK than she thinks as she is fluent in english and a clever girl. Whereas, I have given it a shot for 18 months, and just miss a lot about the way of life in the UK.

Falkster, what issues did you have with the girls family? I think i am in the same boat as you.
I
the_falkster 1 | 180
8 Dec 2007  #12
i don't have issues with her family. what i wanted to say about the sensitivity of the topic is that you should never even think about playing down the importance of your wife missing her family... family for most polish people i know is far more important as for example many germans and brits...

have you been with your wife to england? how flexible are you two locationwise?
make a longterm plan. she will understand your point but you must not rush things. do not speak about it every day. make her feel as if there are alternatives and moving to uk is only one possible outcome of your future. as she loves you she will not leave your concerns unconsidered i guess...

but, mate... you really have to work on the communicatiuon...
OP Britguyabroad 4 | 26
8 Dec 2007  #13
Falkster,

Yes, thats all true. I guess when you get married you hope things will just work out. I am flexible on where I live as I work via the internet. But would just prefer an english speaking place. We talked about oz/nz but she thinks it would be too far from family. So Europe it is, so it only leaves the UK.

I agree on the family point. But one's ambitions shouldnt be suffocated by the hope to live near your immediate family. Thousands of Poles come to the Uk every year. How do they cope?
osiol 55 | 3,922
8 Dec 2007  #14
When Poles move to the UK, many do not intend to stay for good, many stay with other Polish people. It is a much bigger step, as you know, to choose to move to another country for good. Being in a marriage may make things a little more difficult in some respects - you can't so eaily go out and meet people in a similar position to yourself.

As much as you'd prefer an English-speaking place, surely she would also prefer a Polish-speaking place, even if the language problem is a bigger one for you than it is for her. It looks as though someone will have to make a very big, noble gesture. Maybe it's because I have heard your tale and not hers, and that work is not a problem there for you, I'm inclined to suggest you stay where you are and work on it.

Time and effort are there for you to take.

And by the way, it's not cold all the time.
the_falkster 1 | 180
8 Dec 2007  #15
it's not cold all the time.

apparently the summers are hotter and (compared to britain) more predictable... ;)

honestly: give it some more time. you both have to compromise...

as much as i do NOT want to go back to germany soon we will eventually do it but my gf understands that it is not going to happen tomorrow...

communication is key.
and who knows. maybe she is giving it a go and if you then after two years in england realise your wife does not like it, you might consider a change yourself...

as i said before. don't rush things. there is no need to hurry... quite the contrary. rushing might even ruin things...
OP Britguyabroad 4 | 26
8 Dec 2007  #16
I think I will say try Britain for a year, and then assess the situation after that. Truly the polish-speaking bit is a major problem for me. But also, the soviet-style communist flats, busy roads, parochial attitudes also make the place quite depressing, especially in winter. In the summer, i find the humidity quite high too; I didnt really think Poland was a humid place until i lived here.

The major advantage Poland has over other countries is cost. But to think its drastically cheaper than the UK is a myth. As I earn money in £s and the exchange rate has weakened 12% (will weaken further) I also miss out financially now aswell. I know the UK is more expensive but wages are higher, and ironically money would go further there than here. As bizarre as it sounds.

Therefore, there seems no point living in a country with so many personal difficulties, when i could live in the UK at similar cost.
Lady in red
8 Dec 2007  #17
I think I will say try Britain for a year

Sounds like a good compromise and maybe your wife can take advantage of the very cheap air tickets that are sometimes available ? If she can then maybe she can go back regularly so she can see her family often ?

Just a thought......good luck with it :)
the_falkster 1 | 180
8 Dec 2007  #18
Therefore, there seems no point living in a country with so many personal difficulties, when i could live in the UK at similar cost.

you are soooo wrong here!
what about the biggest factor of them all? your wife...

how long are you married? you still have an argumentation and mindset of a single...
Dice 15 | 452
8 Dec 2007  #19
I married a Polish girl but want to move back to the UK now. The only thing is she doesnt want to leave Poland. How can I persuade her to come to the UK? Has anyone had this problem before?

Britguy - dump her ass fast! Do it now, before you have any kids. Polish women are nothing but lying insidious *******, run while you can! The thing is they only show their real face after and never before the wedding. You've lost ONLY 18 months of your live, so consider yourself lucky - it could be much worst.

?
wildrover 98 | 4,452
8 Dec 2007  #20
Polish women are nothing but lying

Sounds like this guy was married to one also.....
osiol 55 | 3,922
8 Dec 2007  #21
Polish women are nothing but lying insidious *******,

Do girls in Poland have special classes in school on how to be like this?
Shawn_H
8 Dec 2007  #22
Quoting: Dice
Polish women are nothing but lying insidious *******,

Do girls in Poland have special classes in school on how to be like this?

No, I believe it is in the water (discussed in another thread).
the_falkster 1 | 180
8 Dec 2007  #23
Polish women are nothing but lying insidious *******, run while you can! The thing is they only show their real face after and never before the wedding

what a strangely stupid post!
if you read the thread you might find out that britguyabroad missed to talk to his wife about his thoughts prior to his commitment...

shall i know make the assumption and warn everyone: "don't date brit guys, as they marry you first and then want to lure you away from your home once you committed yourself"??

plain rubbish!
sorry. be more specific if you want to get a message across!
marek s - | 269
8 Dec 2007  #24
well, shes not leaving and you want to.
what do you think is going to happen?
Curtis 3 | 73
8 Dec 2007  #25
Come on guys and gals, You can't just tell this guy to break up with his wife. Think how that would effect you mentally if someone said that to you.

So the guy made a mistake, but if he doesnt know how to rectify it, then thats where a different opinion is going to help him most.
miranda
8 Dec 2007  #26
why do I get a feeling that the love is gone.
PinkJewel
8 Dec 2007  #27
I am a Brit living in Poland, I have lived here for about 18 months. I married a Polish girl but want to move back to the UK now. The only thing is she doesnt want to leave Poland. How can I persuade her to come to the UK? Has anyone had this problem before?

The problem is I dont really like living here: problem with language, lack of independence, freezing weather etc. So I want to move to the UK, where at least I can understand life there. Any advice?

A very difficult situation. The thing is, she may be worrying about the same things you want to get away from...language, lack of independence and she may feel that when she comes to the UK, she will be lost.

So it might be worth taking, as someone suggested, a long holiday in the UK but of course, this will be different to actually living there.

Possibly she knows some people in the UK? If this is so then it might be worth suggesting that you move to be near where they are. It still might be a distance from where you'd ideally be but the UK is easy commuted and if you do that one thing, it might make moving to the UK easier for your wife...and eventually, once your wife gets to know the UK a move to where you want to be is more possible.

Obviously you've been out of your birth country as you are living away from it, but has your wife ever been away from hers? It's a huge step to ask someone to leave a huge part of their life behind so it must be assured that "home" can always be visited, as much as possible.
marek s - | 269
8 Dec 2007  #28
Come on guys and gals, You can't just tell this guy to break up with his wife. Think how that would effect you mentally if someone said that to you.

hes wants to move and she doesnt.
me being a polack, i wouldnt be able to leave my whole family behind and thats how generally all are.
so, either he stays and deals with it, or leaves.
BubbaWoo 33 | 3,512
8 Dec 2007  #29
youre not in the most exciting part of poland and i would imagine the expat community is probably smaller there than some other cities

rather than a move to the uk, why not try another part of poland first - you know where im talking about - life might offer more
the_falkster 1 | 180
8 Dec 2007  #30
hes wants to move and she doesnt.
me being a polack, i wouldnt be able to leave my whole family behind and thats how generally all are.
so, either he stays and deals with it, or leaves.

a little bit black and white, isn't it?

her husband is now part of her family and once they might have kids that is going to be the primarily important part of her (family-)life, right?

so being "polack", would she cope with it if her family than moves away??

there are a few more dimensions to the story...

if it would work the way you suggest, my girlfriend would have left me already as it was originally planned to go home to poland...

a year later she still is here, so can't be quite as black and white.

as curtis mentioned above somewhere some advice would help more than simply "it won't work!" or "leave her as quick as you can..." (as dice suggested - must have had some bad experience obviously)


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