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Troubled relationship - is it because I'm Polish or should I blame it on his moustache?


crochetbitch88 2 | 83
9 Feb 2013 #1
I am Polish, so is my boyfriend. I have read several threads on this forum and it seems to me neither Polish women nor Polish men are really suitable for a happy relationship. Now, after 7 years, I seem to have lost “that loving feeling” for my boyfriend. Is it because I am Polish and that’s just a big no-no for happiness or is it because of him being Polish?

We’ve been going through a crisis for at least a year. And it’s not that we argue or something, we just don’t seem to need each other that much anymore. We still can have a laugh together and enjoyable conversation, but it’s more what you would have with an old good friend rather than with someone you LOVE.

Two months ago I fell in love with a Slovak guy (and his crazy, crazy language). We did not have an affair; or rather we had what’s called an emotional affair. He was here only for a short while and we met shortly before his departure back to Slovakia. He promised he would come back (promises!). He was to me like a second sun on the sky, when he was around I couldn’t stop smiling, his touch made the world melt around me.

Anyway, he’s left and there is no guarantee he’ll ever come back, so I’m trying to forget. But since that time I've been seeing my boyfriend in a different way, I often think I should leave, not because of the other guy, but because our love has burnt out. I hate the thought of hurting him, I still love him as a person and a friend and want him to be happy, I even made my single female friend to come round to our place hoping they would fall in love (they didn't).

Is there anything we can do to make love stay? Or is it just the way it has to be - that love is going to desert us no matter how hard we try to hold onto it. Or is it because I'm Polish, unfaithful, and my heart is a gypsy?
Bieganski 17 | 901
9 Feb 2013 #2
All relationships go through cycles. If both of you aren't keen on ever getting married that's OK. But if you are and still haven't yet then you are probably restless that he will just walk out one day and leave you when you could have ended things sooner.

If all you have going on in your life is work and each other then of course you are going to get bored.

Talk to him. Maybe he feels exactly the same way about you but doesn't want to hurt you either by saying something. You should respect each other for being honest about things after all these years together.

In any case no one will fault you or him for ending things. But just realize that being with someone else won't necessarily bring you ever lasting joy. It doesn't matter what the books and films about ideal relationships depict. And it has absolutely nothing to do with being Polish. Just look at other countries like America with high divorce rates or India with endemic and open displays of misogyny.
pawian 173 | 12,565
9 Feb 2013 #3
[

am Polish, so is my boyfriend.

Yet, you decided to share your problem in English. Nice. Determined to practise the language at any cost? :):)

[

my heart is a gypsy?

Is it a new Polish idiom? I don`t know it. :):)

All relationships go through cycles.

Oops, Bieg, you must be really desperate to reply to those trolls.

Ok, I am back for a while. I am doing it for you, remember.
OP crochetbitch88 2 | 83
10 Feb 2013 #4
Yet, you decided to share your problem in English. Nice. Determined to practise the language at any cost? :):)

I did share my problems with my Polish friend. She said sometimes she felt the same about her relationship. We cried, got drunk, laughed, cried again, felt the bonds of our friendship have strenghtened. And that's it. No constructive conclusions. So I thought I'd search for some Western, less romantic, more down to earth approach...

Is it a new Polish idiom?

No, but it could have been.

trolls.

Now I feel offended. I'm not a troll.

Talk to him. Maybe he feels exactly the same way about you but doesn't want to hurt you either by saying something.

I have spoken to him. He doesn't feel the same. He doesn't see a problem.

get bored.

Now I'm wondering if this is not the key word in all this.
bullfrog 6 | 603
10 Feb 2013 #5
there anything we can do to make love stay? Or is it just the way it has to be - that love is going to desert us no matter how hard we try to hold onto it. Or is it because I'm Polish, unfaithful, and my heart is a gypsy?

I think your expectations are just too high and you're asking too much...Being Polish, and therefore Slav, you are probably passionnate and looking for the initial passion to continue forever. But that can't be the case (it's a chemical phenomonon which doesn't go on forever), and it isn't generally the case, whether in Poland , in the UK , France or elsewhere. French writer F Beigbeder even recently wrote a book with the title " L'amour dure 3 ans" (Love lasts 3 years). So, all you have to do is lower your expectations..
pawian 173 | 12,565
10 Feb 2013 #6
.Being Polish, and therefore Slav, you are probably passionnate

The first thing to do when you find out that your partner has been cheating is to allow your emotions to flow out of your body. Holding your feelings in will only make you feel worse and cause a tremendous amount of stress both physically and mentally. Once you have expressed your instant reaction, you can start thinking more slowly and rationally. You will start examining your relationship, wondering where it went wrong and if it was ever as wonderful as you claimed it to be. You will create a chain of questions that have not yet been answered and will start feeling farther and farther away from getting any of them answered.

Everything will be sorted out time, but first thing is first and that is getting your emotions sorted out.

Anyway, he's left and there is no guarantee he'll ever come back, so I'm trying to forget.

Once your emotions have been expressed and sorted out, it is important to remember to not give the affair more power over your life than it deserves, even though at the time being, it feels like the end of the world. The fact of the matter is, it is not the end of the world, but has changed your world and the way you look at it, which is understandable. Know that your partner's affair has nothing to do with his or her love for you, nor does it make you a failure in relationships.
bullfrog 6 | 603
10 Feb 2013 #7
The first thing to do when you find out that your partner has been cheating is to allow your emotions to flow out of your body.

The Op never said her boyfriend has been cheating .. Why do you infer that?
pawian 173 | 12,565
10 Feb 2013 #8
Why do you infer that?

Just in case he started.

I still love him as a person and a friend and want him to be happy, I even made my single female friend to come round to our place hoping they would fall in love (they didn't).

What the affair does tell you though, is that there are essential issues that need to be addressed. It is normal to be angry and unable to calmly discuss this with your partner, so let him or her know that (without getting violent or throwing them out of course). Let him or her know that you are deeply hurt and angry that they chose an affair as a way to deal with the issues in your relationship and you are not ready to talk about it just yet.
Ironside 49 | 10,449
10 Feb 2013 #9
or should I blame it on his moustache?

Blame it all on his mustache.Obviously it is not tickling your fancy anymore.
pawian 173 | 12,565
10 Feb 2013 #10
We’ve been going through a crisis for at least a year.

Make an effort to be strong and avoid the unnecessary painful thoughts that will in no way make you feel better or get your relationship back on track. You know what goes on when two people are intimate, so save yourself the details you already know and spare yourself the hurt.

Blame it all on his mustache.Obviously it is not tickling your fancy anymore.

One of those few moments when I agree with you.
Neither moustache nor his socks inside sandals.

s

I even made my single female friend to come round to our place hoping they would fall in love (they didn't).

Good communication will be the key to your road to recovery, so be sure to ask the right questions, listen with undivided attention and understanding, as well as answering the questions you are asked and finding suitable solutions on how to prevent the same event in the future.

Talk to him. Maybe he feels exactly the same way about you but doesn't want to hurt you either by saying something. You should respect each other for being honest about things after all these years together.

To avoid getting pulled back into the past, set your mind and heart on creating new memories together. Exploring new happiness will help your relationship mend and move on greatly. Go on dates, get romantic and become better friends than before! Make a permanent note in your mind that nobody is perfect but everyone deserve forgiveness for their mistakes. Try putting yourself in your partner`s shoes and think about the pain and regret they are going through and how much they love you
OP crochetbitch88 2 | 83
10 Feb 2013 #11
Being Polish, and therefore Slav, you are probably passionnate and looking for the initial passion to continue forever.

Yes.

So, all you have to do is lower your expectations..

How? I find it diffcult to come to terms with the idea that I've already had my share of passion and that's it for me for the rest of my life.

Just in case he started.

:) He hasn't cheated on me (as far as I know). I brought that friend around because I would like him to start. It would solve my dilemma. I would like him to find a new love, new passion and let me go.

Blame it all on his mustache.

Somehow, somewhere deep in my heart I knew moustaches were the root of all problems in relationships. It's different for beards though ;)

Good communication will be the key to your road to recovery, so be sure to ask the right questions, listen with undivided attention and understanding

We have spoken about it. We promised each other to address problems. But things changed for a week, then got back to the old pattern. I'm thinking that most probably we both lost the feelings for each other we once had, but he has less courage to face it, so he keeps holding onto belief that we are an ideal couple, which we are not

To avoid getting pulled back into the past, set your mind and heart on creating new memories together. Exploring new happiness will help your relationship mend and move on greatly.

Nice advice, Pawian. Maybe this is what I should do: just forget the past and try again and see how it works
pam
10 Feb 2013 #12
I even made my single female friend to come round to our place hoping they would fall in love (they didn't).

This sentence says it all.
No-one would do this if they still had romantic feelings for their boyfriend.
Unless you have masochistic tendencies of course.
pawian 173 | 12,565
10 Feb 2013 #13
If you have been genuinely apologized to and promised that it will never happen again, then open your heart and give him or her a chance. You obviously love your partner and he or she loves you, which is why you have decided to forgive and move on. So work as a team and be each other`s strength in putting the past behind you, looking at it as a learning experience in which will assist you in making your love affair-proof from this point on.
OP crochetbitch88 2 | 83
10 Feb 2013 #14
If you have been genuinely apologized to and promised that it will never happen again, then open your heart and give him or her a chance.

Pawian, he didn't cheat on me :) I wanted him to cheat on me, I wanted him to find someone but he didn't. But you're advocating forgiveness for cheating men so heatedly that it makes me wonder whether you have a clear conscience... ;)

This sentence says it all.
No-one would do this if they still had romantic feelings for their boyfriend.

:( This is what I'm afraid of.
skrud
10 Feb 2013 #15
@crochetbitśh88
My advice to you would be ...both of you should go your separate ways before its to late , I am assuming you are very young ,no kids ,no major financial commitmens with each other , seems like you both are tired of each other. You tried to put him in the spot ( set him up up with your friend )where he would be to blame for the break up if he had slept with your friend ( that is totaly f-up in my opinion ) but never the less , talk to him and tell him how you feel ,you may be suprised what he has to say ...unless you want to end this relationship right away then just tell him , that you were trying to make him screw your friend so he would look like cheating bastrd , and you would be the poor victim ...I think he just might spit in your face and leave ...problem solved .
noreenb 7 | 557
10 Feb 2013 #16
Reading your story I felt A bit like it was mine.
I was in a similar situation. I was with my boyfriend for 7 years and something between us just finished. We decided not to continue our relationship. At the end of our dating I fell in love with an Australian guy.

Now I am a very happy single girl.
And I am Polish.
:)
I don't regret my decision. My ex and I are still friends, the Australian guy is my friend too.
When love goes away almost nothing will save her. This is my opinion.
Whatever you will do, I wish you luck with every decision you will take.
OP crochetbitch88 2 | 83
10 Feb 2013 #17
where he would be to blame for the break up if he had slept with your friend ( that is totaly f-up in my opinion )

Not that I wanted to blame him, but I would like it to be less painful for him and for me. When I think of hurting him I'm feeling so guilty, my heart is breaking and I just can't face it. If he found another girl and wanted to leave himself, it would make things so much easier.

Reading your story I felt A bit like it was mine.

So your heart is a gypsy too :) Thank you so much, it's so good to hear I'm not the only one. I sort of know it's ended and even accepted the possibility of being single again, I guess I'm just waiting for the right moment to end it officially.
pam
10 Feb 2013 #18
sort of know it's ended and even accepted the possibility of being single again, I guess I'm just waiting for the right moment to end it officially.

It sounds as if from what you're saying this relationship has run it's course.
Sad though it may be, better to tell him sooner rather than later .Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Move on, find someone else, hopefully he will do the same, and with a bit of luck you can both stay friends.
Good luck.
poland_
15 Feb 2013 #20
I would like him to find a new love, new passion and let me go.

Why do yo feel responsible for him?
Why do you need him even though you no longer have a sparkle for him?

Life traps are something everyone falls into, it would seem you want him because he makes you feel safe, he is the known and you have a fear of the unknown. Many people relationship hop, fearing being alone due to emotional, financial and comfort needs. Looks like that comfortable slipper is well worn, time to buy a new pair or at least start walking barefoot around the house.
kaz200972 2 | 229
15 Feb 2013 #21
Many people relationship hop, fearing being alone due to emotional, financial and comfort needs. Looks like that comfortable slipper is well worn, time to buy a new pair or at least start walking barefoot around the house.

Very good point. If you no longer feel genuine love for this guy, leave. It may be hard but it's the decent thing to do!

Staying with someone for the wrong reasons is cruel and he will hate you if he ever finds out!
OP crochetbitch88 2 | 83
15 Feb 2013 #22
Why do yo feel responsible for him?

I don't know. Is it not that we become forever responsible for what we have tamed? Is it not that once we've loved someone they become our family, someone who we can't just delete from our hearts and simply move on?

I told him once that I no longer wanted to be with him, it lasted for a week or two that we were sort of single, and he became very sad, a shadow of himself. It was very painful to see him in that state.

it would seem you want him because he makes you feel safe, he is the known and you have a fear of the unknown

It might be true, it's even more scary when you live in a foreign country and your family is 2000km away; on the other hand I tend to become overly excited about the unknown so fear doesn't usually restrain me from making changes in life, the unknown usually is a turn on for me.

If you no longer feel genuine love for this guy, leave. It may be hard but it's the decent thing to do!

You're right but it's easier said than done. Because it's not like you either love someone or not; I find that sometimes we can no longer be in love in the romantic sense but still love that person as a human being

Or is it the aftermath of my Catholic upbringing and I feel subconsciously I must carry my cross? ;)
poland_
15 Feb 2013 #23
the unknown usually is a turn on for me.

Maybe in your escapism, obviously not in your subconscious mind.
OP crochetbitch88 2 | 83
15 Feb 2013 #24
escapism

:) funny how there is a term and a label for everything and yet the emotional side of life remains such a dense forest
poland_
15 Feb 2013 #25
emotional side of life

Unhealthy behaviors develop as a reaction to false beliefs. The result of being stuck in a life trap is that you maintain parts of you emotionally functioning as a child feeling trapped.lost,insecure and at the same time wishing for change.
kaz200972 2 | 229
16 Feb 2013 #26
[************************** right but it's easier said than done. Because it's not like you either love someone or not; I find that sometimes we can no longer be in love in the romantic sense but still love that person as a human being[/quote]

Yes I totally understand what you mean, it's so difficult when you still care about that person, also there will be things about him that you will miss so much. It's going to be hard for you but a clean break is kinder in the long run,later the two of you may be able to be friends?

If you drag this out then there is the risk of resentment and feeling betrayed which could ruin your chances of friendship later on. This man obviously means a lot to you and it would be nice to at least have something from the relationship.

I hope that you can find some way to resolve the situation without too much pain. If you want to talk about it privately feel free to PM me, I have been in a similar situation.
poland_
16 Feb 2013 #27
[********************* label for everything[/quote]
CB88 - have a look at this test you may find it of interest: lifetraptest.com
Slein Jinn 2 | 19
16 Feb 2013 #28
+1
Bieganski wins another thread.

To avoid getting pulled back into the past, set your mind and heart on creating new memories together. Exploring new happiness will help your relationship mend and move on greatly. Go on dates, get romantic and become better friends than before!

This is excellent advice. No relationship is too 'old' for dates. And they don't have to be big elaborate things, either; just make sure you make time for each other and have fun together. The second half of that post though... paiwan, are you ever going to get the memo that her boyfriend didn't cheat on her?

We've been going through a crisis for at least a year. And it's not that we argue or something, we just don't seem to need each other that much anymore. We still can have a laugh together and enjoyable conversation, but it's more what you would have with an old good friend rather than with someone you LOVE.

If you ask most couples who've been married for forty or fifty years to describe their relationship, it wouldn't sound that different, really. Passion ebbs and flows, and ultimately the sexuality fades, but it's deep friendship and trust that keeps people together for decades.

Two months ago I fell in love with a Slovak guy (and his crazy, crazy language). We did not have an affair; or rather we had what's called an emotional affair. He was here only for a short while and we met shortly before his departure back to Slovakia. He promised he would come back (promises!). He was to me like a second sun on the sky, when he was around I couldn't stop smiling, his touch made the world melt around me.

The most important indicator of where your priorities are is who you go to in your darkest hour when you really need support. Maybe you haven't been tested to find out recently, but imagine you lost your job or your father died or whatever you can make work in your own mind. Who would you want to talk to about it? Who would be the person with whom you'd try to find some measure of comfort? If you'd go to your boyfriend, then your relationship may be stronger than you realise; if you'd go to the Slovak guy, then you've got a problem.

Is there anything we can do to make love stay? Or is it just the way it has to be - that love is going to desert us no matter how hard we try to hold onto it. Or is it because I'm Polish, unfaithful, and my heart is a gypsy?

You need to sit down together and have another talk. You need to figure out what you both want out of the relationship and then see how well they mesh together. It sounds like perhaps, whether consciously or not, marriage is important to you, and the fact that you're not married is colouring the way you look at things, but perhaps the whole institution of marriage isn't something he's interested in. I obviously have only bits of the story to work from, but I get the feeling that, had you gotten married say three or four years ago, you may well consider yourself happily married today. Or maybe I'm wrong, but you need to sit down together and work that kind of thing out.

EDIT: Your username has officially annoyed me.


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