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Polish traditions and customs in a relationship - payments


skubus 7 | 42
7 Mar 2016  #1
Hi all. I have a query regarding Polish traditions and customs. I'm an Irish guy married to a Polish girl. My wife and I argue quite a bit regarding finances. My wife's attitude when it comes to paying bills is that she shouldn't have to pay her share of the mortgage, electricity, gas, fuel, insurance etc because I had our house before we got together. She states that it is the male's responsibility to pay for everything. I can't get my head around this as it seems ridiculous. We both work but my wife saves all her money while I'm basically broke after all the usual bills are paid. Can anyone enlighten me on the facts regarding this issue?
dolnoslask
7 Mar 2016  #2
" She states that it is the male's responsibility to pay for everything",

This was the case in the old days when the woman was expected to stay at home and look after the kids. My father never wanted my mother to go out to work, but the reality of today's world means that both parents need to go to work and share the financial responsibility.

Maybe she has a commitment issue, I would ask her.
Kezcaisim 1 | 37
7 Mar 2016  #3
She is probably cheating on you, too.
dolnoslask
7 Mar 2016  #4
Kezcaisim "She is probably cheating on you, too" Thats a bit harsh and trollish of you, given you do not know all the facts of the OP's relationship.
Atch 17 | 2,768
7 Mar 2016  #5
Do you mind me asking Skubus, how long have you known her and how long have you been married? Did you not live together beforehand? Did you never discuss money or share expenses before you got married ?

If she was putting her salary into a joint savings account for you and her as a family, with an eye to the future and kids, then I could possibly see her point. However I would say that it's quite common for Polish women to be rather distrustful of their men and she may be saving her money as a form of insurance to fall back on if the marriage doesn't work out. She benefits from being provided for by you but retains her independence because she has her own nest egg stashed away. I know it seems weird from an Irish perspective (I'm Irish) but to jest Polska and people think differently here. I could be wrong but I find Polish women have a very different outlook on life and relationships than Irish.
rozumiemnic 8 | 3,664
7 Mar 2016  #6
She states that it is the male's responsibility to pay for everything.

I think some Polish women have a very different attitude to Irish and British women and need to be reminded that it is 2016 and it is not reasonable to expect the man to pay for everything. It is not even possible these days unless the man is very rich.

To me it seems really weird as well. I think she needs telling that it is not 1956.

I know it sounds a bit annoying for me to say this, but did you not discuss this kind of thing beforehand?

If this is a typical attitude, no wonder so many Polish men like to marry British and Irish women...:D
smurf 39 | 1,982
7 Mar 2016  #7
Can anyone enlighten me on the facts regarding this issue?

I'm Irish with a Polish wife and my wife is the opposite to yours man. I'm gonna take a wild guess here but I bet she's a Polish culchie? If so that would explain why she has such a backward attitude.

I know plenty of other foreigners living here with Polish wives and that's not the way things are done at all. Look like you just got unlucky man.

Tell her to cop the fuq on or stick her on the first Ryanair back to Rzeszów coz she's screwing you over brother.......I hope she's at least still properly screwing you at the very least.
rozumiemnic 8 | 3,664
7 Mar 2016  #8
stick her on the first Ryanair back to Rzeszów

LOL I like the way you don't mince your words, smurf.
OP skubus 7 | 42
7 Mar 2016  #9
Thanks for all the replies to my query. To answer some of your questions yes we did live together before we got married and we had a joint bank account which we lodged money into it every month to pay for monthly bills apart from the mortgage, but because I was in financial difficulties I advised my wife to keep her money separate from mine in case the bank came after her savings. So since then we have separate accounts, she saves everything she earns, spends very little of it and anything she does spend she considers it her's not mine even food. And no I don't believe she's cheating on me. She doesn't trust people enough to be unfaithful, even me at times. I know when she grew up in Poland she along with her family had very little so anything earned was protected and cherished but now she has savings in excess of €90k but when she does buy something she chooses the cheapest and quite often the crappiest items. I've told her numerous times to enjoy life and live life but she's always waiting for that black day ( Polish expression) We did discuss finances prior to getting married and agreed then that I would pay the mortgage because as I've already said I owned the property before we met, but since then (10 years) I've struggled to keep my head above water. A couple of times she has helped with funds when things became too tight but under threat of death or divorce I've had to repay every cent, which I've done.
rozumiemnic 8 | 3,664
7 Mar 2016  #10
Skubus, that is not a marriage.

I do see that if she was raised in poverty she might have issues around money but.....she needs to move on now.

do you have children? having small children with a stay-at-home mum would be the only scenario where the man should pay for everything, and that would be a temporary situation.

Listen to what people are telling you.
OP skubus 7 | 42
7 Mar 2016  #11
Smurf. Wow man your pulling no punches. I'm gonna have to take a little time to think about how to reply to some of your thoughts because some of them have hit a cord with me but I will answer one, she's not a culchie, she's a city chick. I'll come back with answers to your other thoughts in a bit. Thanks
dolnoslask
7 Mar 2016  #12
I've struggled to keep my head above water., crikey I understand completely,
This may be daft and I have no personal experience, maybe you could both go to marriage counselling and discuss this problem before it gets too serious.
OP skubus 7 | 42
7 Mar 2016  #13
rozumiemnic We don't have kids at the moment. Currently visiting a fertility clinic because we have fertility issues. This has also caused a lot of conflict in our home. In fairness my wife is paying for these procedures because like I said I'm broke. **** I don't really like the thoughts being expressed here because a lot of them are making sense.
delphiandomine 83 | 17,596
7 Mar 2016  #14
I know plenty of other foreigners living here with Polish wives and that's not the way things are done at all.

It's not done that way at all. I split all the bills with my wife, then keep a certain amount for "buying ****" and the rest is stuck away for a rainy day. Works well and there's never any rows about money.

I know when she grew up in Poland she along with her family had very little so anything earned was protected and cherished but now she has savings in excess of €90k but when she does buy something she chooses the cheapest and quite often the crappiest items.

I wonder if she's not saving everything she's got so that she can afford to look after her parents in old age?
OP skubus 7 | 42
7 Mar 2016  #15
dolnoslask, she refuses to go. I've used counselling services and found them beneficial but she just laughs when I suggest we go. Like everything I do that involves payment she considers it a waste of money. I'm lost!!
rozumiemnic 8 | 3,664
7 Mar 2016  #16
Man you need to get to counselling before you have kids. How will you be able to support a three/four/five person household alone for the next twenty odd years? You will be worked to an early grave.
OP skubus 7 | 42
7 Mar 2016  #17
delphiandomine. Her Mum and Dad are separated. Dad works abroad and sends enough money home so that his adult son who lives with Mum can pay the necessary to keep their apartment. Dad is equally as anal about money as my wife is. I think that because what her Dad has done to her Mum she doesn't trust men.
terri 1 | 1,617
7 Mar 2016  #18
In your position I would seek legal advice IMMEDIATELY. When you get divorced, she will get all her savings, and half of everything you owe. I bet she keeps a record of any money she has given you.

Do you really see your life with her for the next 20 years?
If 'yes', then put up with the situation and shut up about it. Your bed - you lie on it.
If not, get a divorce immediately.
rozumiemnic 8 | 3,664
7 Mar 2016  #19
half of everything you owe

own. sorry to be pedantic but its a hell of a difference.
dolnoslask
7 Mar 2016  #20
"get a divorce immediately." not so easy if you love someone, sometimes the heart rules over the head, what may seem the obvious solution can be a huge emotional hill to climb.
OP skubus 7 | 42
7 Mar 2016  #21
rozumiemnic Hate to say it but an early grave doesn't sound too bad at times. I don't know guys, seems I know the answers and I've tried to act on some of the advice given but I just can't take the big step to sort this mess out!!
Atch 17 | 2,768
7 Mar 2016  #22
we have fertility issues.

my wife is paying for these procedures

Skubus, sorry but you really shouldn't be considering having a child with this woman. I hate to say this, but there's a strong possibility that if your wife gets pregnant, she will have the child, take her 90 grand and walk out of your life. That much money would set her up quite nicely in Poland. Furthermore she will feel that the child is 'hers' because she almost literally bought and paid for it ie paid for the fertility treatment. Polish women have a reputation for trying to keep fathers out of the childrens' lives once the marriage ends and if it's 'her' child, this will be even more so.
terri 1 | 1,617
7 Mar 2016  #23
Sorry, my mistake. What a stupid mistake to make. I meant to say ...everything you OWN..
She'll probably tell everyone how she had to save to pay for the fertility treatment, how badly you treated her, how you were never there....

Heart rules your head....well then, stay with her and DO NOT grumble...be happy that she is with you. Give her everything you OWN...because my dear, you will be paying her for the rest of your life.

Do not wake up one day, when she's taken you to the cleaners...and give us the excuse 'that you loved her'. She doesn't love you and it's debatable whether she ever has...You know it and we all know it. You MUST really enjoy being a mug being taken for a ride.
OP skubus 7 | 42
7 Mar 2016  #24
Atch I've tried to walk away in the past but I love the girl and as she keeps telling me no one else would want me. I've actually asked her to leave and take her money with her, a clean split, but she refuses, flutters her eye lids and melts my heart. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I loose either way. And as regards what terri stated regarding her getting half of everything, well that is true, she would get half of my mortgage half of all the bills but likewise I would get half of what she owns but I don't want this.
rozumiemnic 8 | 3,664
7 Mar 2016  #25
You MUST really enjoy being a mug being taken for a ride.

bit harsh terri!
dolnoslask
7 Mar 2016  #26
"telling me no one else would want me" Now this is something I do know about, my niece had a boyfriend who said this to her , she too was paying the bills,luckily she built up the courage with the support of the family to walk away. THIS IS ABUSE

Problem is that she stopped eating and is as thin as a rake now, she has struggled with her confidence ever since.

If I ever see that tit again he will get more than a thick ear
Atch 17 | 2,768
7 Mar 2016  #27
Skubus, there was a great American psychiatrist called William Glasser. He only died I think last year. Anyway the guy had common sense by the bucket load. He used to say 'if you keep what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting'. It's as simple as that. If she doesn't want to go to counselling and you don't want to leave her then nothing will change and you will just have to accept that's your marriage. That's what you've chosen and that's what you'll get for as long as you both want it that way.
dolnoslask
7 Mar 2016  #28
skubus, I would be tempted to leave this chat open on the computer so she can have a good read, then move on from that point.
Ziemowit 12 | 3,382
7 Mar 2016  #29
I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I loose either way.

Man, you are in a trap and the three quotes of yours above tell it all. I don't think you are able to crawl out of this trap by yourself or through the help of any internet forum. You wife entirely has you under control and she knows very well how to control you. It is you who need professional advice first before any counselling goes on (if it ever goes on). You realize already that she is a far stronger part in the marriage and you just dance to the music she plays, but you really need someone, an external "human force", to help you get out of the mess you're in.

You should realize that you are afraid to live without her and you are indeed afraid to take a risk of going away. That where professional help should step in.
porky pok 2 | 127
7 Mar 2016  #30
Ziemi,you just nailed it to the point.


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