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How to turn a No into a Yes (she invited me to Poland to meet her)

obila 1 | 10
14 Mar 2010 #1
Hi folks. I met this amazing girl through a common friend. We started e-dating back in December. Email, Skype, SMS and even calls. We got along, we liked each other, everything was easy. In January, she invited me over to Poland to meet her. I went there about 2 weeks ago. It was great, I had VIP treatment, she and our common friend took me places... I soon realized she was great, I liked her both inside and outside so I made a move. She was not keen on the idea, she thought we'd better stay friends. Her reasons: she could never make happy (?¿). But then again she enjoyed being with me, she confessed she liked me, she thought there was chemistry. Short: we hooked up and it was all fine. She did not set boundaries, she seemed perfectly happy but she'd still say "How can you be sure you like me that much?", "I don't know what I want" and ultimately "I can't say Yes or No, I'm not sure I'll miss you strongly when you're gone".

I flew back home with a big smile, even though the answer was on the line. I sent her flowers a few days later and they were welcome. Everything was OK till I started texting her too much and she felt I was rushing. I apologized and she said it was all OK, she just needed time. I guess I did not quite got the message (men may be very stupid sometines!) and I did not give her all the space she needed. I sent her flowers again and she seemed pissed off by my persistence. She stopped communicating for some days.

In the meantime, I got some feedback from our common friend. He said she said she liked me, she thought I was nice, there was a lot of chemistry but she felt I was rushing too much, she doubted my feelings for her (i.e. how can somebody fall in love that quickly and stuff).

Just a few days ago we got in touch again. She seemed nice again, I had been silent too. She now says she "loves me as a friend" despite the list of positives (which is huge). She was worried about me, she asked me not to hate her.

Well, how could I hate her... She's a very good person, she's just too scared to try (she always says "I've been hurt before"). And according to my mole, she's not a decision maker...

Anyway, she started texting me after this declaration, "I can't sleep", "Are you awake", "Please don't hate me". I said no problem, take it easy, you're good even if you wanna be my friend only. She texted me again so I finally called her...

So, I said we'll be friends, no problem, if you change your mind I'll be waiting for you... She kept me on the line for about one hour. She would not hang up. I could see she was like seconds away from saying "let's try". She asked over and over how come I liked her so much, how can you be so sure. But then she'd say "There's a risk if we try, I can't". So she said "dobranoc" with very touching words...

The day after I just wished her a nice holiday via SMS. She replied happily, like nothing had ever happened. I'm not interacting while she's on hols now...

Well, just to be on the same page: she's the most amazing girl I've had the chance to meet over the past 10 years. I feel it. I'm slowly but surely falling in love with her and losing her would be painful. I don't know what to do... Some people say: play hard to get, don't get in touch. She seems messed up but she's also determined to stay friends and no more.

Any feedback appreciated!
Seanus 15 | 19,670
14 Mar 2010 #2
If she wants you enough, she'll make the move. Until that time, let her stew in her mental confusion. There's a lot of that around here.
opts 10 | 260
14 Mar 2010 #3
It is obvious that the girl is not interested in a relationship; you are, and you are seeking advise on how to win her over. If you continue to pursue her, you might get hurt emotionally/financially or both.
Seanus 15 | 19,670
14 Mar 2010 #4
Very true! You really must be careful with girls. Caveats can never be underestimated. Furthering their own selfish and egomaniacal agendas is not in your interest, is it?
OP obila 1 | 10
14 Mar 2010 #5
I know, I know, I don't want to get hurt. So far nobody's been hurt, though. I just feel I did not give her the space she needed and she got pissed off. Financially, I'm OK to travel to Poland again but what's the excuse? Meet our common friend again (they just happen to be neighbours!). As I said, she's a good person.
Seanus 15 | 19,670
14 Mar 2010 #6
Let your common friend give you the info that you need. Meanwhile, bide your time and remain neutral. I love many people here but gratitude is not their strong point, far from it. Many Poles close to me describe their fellow countryfolk as 'gburowaty' which means boorish.

What you gave to her was probably appreciated for the same length of time it took to pass it across. Give her space but, every once in a while, a reminder of your presence.
Darun 1 | 55
14 Mar 2010 #7
Girls can be quite scared sometimes if a boy is very persistent. There are a lot of loonies out there, and if they (the girls) feel the boy is moving in too quick, they will run away as fast as they can.

From what you've described, she isn't the kind of person to do the final step. It will be on you, but you have to play it smart. It might take a lot of time for that, just be there for her, and take it slowly.

I hope it will all be good for you! The best of luck!
OP obila 1 | 10
14 Mar 2010 #8
Thanks for all your feedback. You see, everything was good before the trip... It was good during the trip... It was even good after the trip till I was "too persistent" that Friday night (Feb 26th). She did not reply any of my SMS (unusual) till late in the evening. She said she had had a terrible day and sweet dreams. Had I been smarter I would have let her go till the day after. However, I showed my concern, I wanted her to share her "frustration" (she's got a stressful top manager job) but it was obviously a bad idea. From that day onwards, everything went wrong. I agree with Darun, she's not a decision maker, my friend always tells me about this. She's like a little princess sometimes (so I hear). OK, I'll play it smart but time is running against me :-( As I said, there's a lot at stake her, I wouldn't care that much otherwise.
Seanus 15 | 19,670
14 Mar 2010 #9
MANY women have problems with decision making so don't worry about that too much. It's a bit different here in Silesia as they are sterner but that's a local thing.

Like a little princess :( Seriously, you will get in very deep and regret it. Think with your right head :) Those with the Princess Syndrome are not worth knowing and need a slap.
beelzebub - | 444
14 Mar 2010 #10
If a girl said to me "I am not sure if I will miss you strongly when you are gone" she would get the boot. How can you let someone walk all over you like that? It was a really rude thing for her to say.
OP obila 1 | 10
14 Mar 2010 #11
That's what my friend says... So far I have seen very little signs of "princess syndrome". She's just so scared that she'll be hurt. But we've all been hurt, haven't we? Life is about moving on, trial/error. I think both she and I know that we're good, decent people. And we laugh a lot together...

beelzebub: Well, the thing is A) her English is not so good, so maybe she meant something else. Sometimes, I have to decrypt her. Let's say she meant "I don't know. I'm overwhelmed, I can't say Yes/No". B) What's more, I realized she's more of a conservative type. She confessed she had never hooked up with someone the day after they met. Technically, we had been "e-dating" for 2 months but it's true that it was the first time we had met in the flesh.
king polkagamon
14 Mar 2010 #12
Where are you from?If you are from mediteranean country my advise is to ignore her for some time to give her time to think.Girls must feel free.Then send her message and ask her if she wants to spend vaccations together.Mind you she has boyfriend for sure you have to make a tempting offer.Or money straight but you need some hint you are not enough you have to increase your value.
OP obila 1 | 10
14 Mar 2010 #13
Isn't it contradictory to "give space" and then "ask her to spend a holiday together"? BTW, I'm Spanish but I live miles away from the sea and it's rather cold here (snow and below zero temps, that's what I can offer right now).
Seanus 15 | 19,670
14 Mar 2010 #14
Kick her into touch. She sounds like a snooty and rude piece of work. Oh, are you fireif?
pgtx 29 | 3,144
14 Mar 2010 #15
i don't know... i don't know... men are sooo complicated....
OP obila 1 | 10
14 Mar 2010 #16
fireif? whatdayamean
beelzebub - | 444
14 Mar 2010 #17
Men are? I guess asking for direct and clear communication is complicated to you?

I would say we are pretty simple. We want straight talk and common sense. Nothing complicated about that.
OP obila 1 | 10
14 Mar 2010 #18
beelzebub is absolutely right.
pgtx 29 | 3,144
14 Mar 2010 #19
I guess asking for direct and clear communication is complicated to you?

what didn't you understand after her saying "Let's be just friends."?
He's pushing her and she's running away. Simple.
OP obila 1 | 10
14 Mar 2010 #20
Dear pgtx, I think you have an oversimplistic view on the subject matter... But again, we're all free to express ourselves :-)
beelzebub - | 444
14 Mar 2010 #21
But her actions and other words contradict that. Women are rarely direct and clear. Personally I would have bailed right off when she acted wonky as I have no patience for games but I understand why he is confused.
king polkagamon
14 Mar 2010 #22
Did you see?I guessed you come from mediraneanean country from the way you write.But you Spanish have a defect.You lack the spine needed for these kochanies.In any case sb has to appear a bit more primitive too aka the polish dresarsz and you don\'t have this.You have to be shy but passive aggressive with polish girls for example asking her \"do youlike bigos?\" while caressing her thighs and butt.

But you need to find out what would please her(usually they want money).
OP obila 1 | 10
14 Mar 2010 #23
King polkagamon, you are a mentalist! Aren't you a bit obsessed about money? Where are you from man? You don't sound like a Brit. Your lack of quantifiers might lead me to think you have a Slavic brain but I may be wrong...
pgtx 29 | 3,144
14 Mar 2010 #24
well, i'm sorry that my statement "She's just not that into you" doesn't satisfy you. Keep living in your little men-dream-world...

OP obila 1 | 10
14 Mar 2010 #25
I like pgtx. She's direct and simple.
Arien 3 | 716
14 Mar 2010 #26
I would say we are pretty simple. We want straight talk and common sense. Nothing complicated about that.

beelzebub is absolutely right.

He's pushing her and she's running away. Simple.

Dear pgtx, I think you have an oversimplistic view on the subject matter...


OP obila 1 | 10
14 Mar 2010 #27
That's called irony :-)
SzwedwPolsce 11 | 1,594
15 Mar 2010 #28
The only thing you can do is to be passive and let her make the next move.

It takes 2 to tango you know. And you have showed much more interest in a relationship than she has. It must be a balance, or else you don't have a chance.
nomaderol 5 | 726
15 Mar 2010 #29
i heard a no.. i rushed her more... she repeated many no in time.
now, it is really hard for her to turn to yes.
next please. any real serious feminist lady around here. ?
pgtx 29 | 3,144
15 Mar 2010 #30
That's called irony :-)

exactly... make up your mind and good luck...

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