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Should a marriage proposal to a partner from Poland be done in private or public?


Doubtfullove 4 | 28
24 Jan 2009 #1
okay here's the dilemma...I have just found out my boyfriend is going to propose to me on Thursday and he has organised a party with my family and friends for Saturday. I should be over the moon with this as we have talked about getting married and we are happy together.

So I can't figure out why I feel so upset...I think part of the problem is I found out that its actually going to happen and its not a surprise..and that other people know about it before I do and that the proposal might be public. I personally think this special moment in your life should be just be between the two of us and not in front of a room full of strangers (over dinner perhaps) and that it should be a total surprise and private.

I'm in a bit of a dilemma because he has obviously gone to a lot of troube organising things and thinks this is romantic so would be upset if I said I didn't want to do it this way and might not actually propose again.. its a tricky situation, maybe I should just go along with it, appreciate his efforts and enjoy it and not be so stressed out about it.

He is Polish and I am Scottish.

Any advice?
time means 5 | 1,310
24 Jan 2009 #2
should just go along with it, appreciate his efforts and enjoy it and not be so stressed out about it.

i think you answered your own question. it`s probably nerves. st back, relax and enjoy the night. good luck.
Bartolome 2 | 1,085
24 Jan 2009 #3
I am Scottish.

Make sure you're wearing something tartan on the occasion.
OP Doubtfullove 4 | 28
25 Jan 2009 #4
I think it is more than nerves. I am very p*ssed off. I am annoyed that he has told all my family and friends and work colleagues before even asking me. I had in my head how I would tell my girlfriends and how we would tell my family together. I would have liked to get used to the idea of it for a few days before we announced it to the world. He has also told me now that he booked a violinist to play Chopin music over dinner while he proposed. The violinist sounds wonderful, the dinner sounds wonderful, but together in a restaurant with a room full of people (there is a glass wall between the restaurant and the bar!!) is my idea of hell and not at all romantic. He has also told me that he has bought a ring and got it sized (which I think means it can't be returned) and given that he has got the other things wrong about me, there is a good chance that he has bought m a ring I don't like...

I am very grumpy when I should be so happy...I think I want to cancel it all. I have told him I think we should maybe cancel and wait a while.....I feel a right cow!!

Never mentioned how I think he is a loving and sweet man, and how this is the first month that he has had a very good wage...and he has spent it on buying me a ring .......I feel a right ungrateful bitch!!!!
mafketis 21 | 7,458
25 Jan 2009 #5
I perceive two probabilities:

1. You're angry that the proposal scenario isn't matching your teenage proposal fantasies. If that's your biggest gripe then grow up. Being married is _all_ about letting go of youthful fantasies.

My suggestion: Say 'yes' and make the best of it or say 'no' and wait for some guy who _can_ read your mind and create wish-fulfillment scenarios for you (good luck on that one, let us know how it works out).

2. You don't want to marry him but don't know why.

My suggestion: Say 'no' (it is an option, you realize). Your intuition/subconscious may be working ahead of your conscious mind and decided you won't work as a married couple. If that's the case, then go with your gut feelings and spare the both of you a lot of misery.
OP Doubtfullove 4 | 28
25 Jan 2009 #6
Hi Mafketis,

Intersting response. It may sound from my previous post that I have teenage proposal fantacies but quite the opposite. In fact I've never been very romantic about weddings and marriage. I just feel it would have been nice to come to terms with actually being engaged before everyone else knew. and not to be in a public situation that might be embarrassing...

Maybe part of the problems is I don't know that I actually believe in marriage and what marriage is really all about.....well I'm not religious so I'm not doing it for god (if there actually is a god), I'm not particulary traditional so following tradition doesn't do it for me, I'm independent so don't financially need supported, I share a house with my boyfriend, so live happily with him and we are committed to each other.

So I'm wondering, what is this marriage Mal?arky all about then? Any suggestions
time means 5 | 1,310
25 Jan 2009 #7
lets face it you don`t want to get married. so do the guy a favour and tell him before he goes down on bended knee and you turn him down.
mafketis 21 | 7,458
25 Jan 2009 #8
Doubtfullove,

Some background you may or may not know.

1. Poland is not a romance novel culture, it's hard for me to imagine many Polish men coming up with romantic proposal scenarios on their own. Unless your guy is really far from the mean, he may be coming up with all of this because he thinks it's something western women want. You might try to let him down gently and be glad he's willing to go so far out of his cultural background to try to make you happy.

2. Polish people believe in marriage as the natural result of certain kinds of relationships. Have you discussed children? Chances are he wants them and sees marriage as a step toward that. If you don't want kids (or are unsure) don't marry him, most Polish men want kids inside a marriage and not in an experimental kind of relationship.

One option: You'll say yes and be officially engaged, but you'll both agree to not set a date for at least a year (or you'll both agree that he won't bring up that topic, it's up to you to decide when to get around to it).
Eva_K 5 | 34
25 Jan 2009 #9
part of the problems is I don't know that I actually believe in marriage and what marriage is really all about....

Doubtfullove, I think your name says it all. You're having doubts, and with just cause! It sounds like you and your boyfriend are very different people with very different ideas about your relationship. By making all of the arrangements and telling all of your friends without even consulting you, your boyfriend is setting a dangerous precedent. By taking the lead and forcing you to take a back seat on this ride, it seems to me that he is setting the pace for a future in which he does what he wants - and what he thinks you should want - rather than what you do. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not one person dictating the role of the other.

On one hand it seems sweet that he went to all of that trouble. On the other hand, however, it's actually scary to note that he is completely disregarding what you might want. As you wrote above, the venue that he chose and all the trappings he arranged for the event are your idea of hell. If you go through with the marriage without saying a word, be prepared to repeat this sort of thing for the rest of your married life because he is showing you now what it will be like: he will do what he enjoys, and what makes him comfortable, and your comfort level will be an after thought - if that.

Maybe he senses that you aren't ready and that is why he chose to propose to you in front of a crowd: so that they would pressure you to say yes. To me that isn't romantic, it's badgering!

I say talk to him as soon as possible. Tell him that you know all about the proposal event and that, frankly, it makes you uncomfortable. Be honest and tell him what you told all of us: that you're not sure about marriage at this point in your life, you need more time and you need to feel comfortable with the idea (and the setting of any future proposal). If he doesn't understand or respect your feelings now, I guarantee he won't later on either. Good luck!
nikttaki 5 | 62
25 Jan 2009 #10
Hi Doubtfulllove,

Some men may not realize how important the proposal is to woman but I think your boyfriend is actually aware of it... if you really love him, try to appreciate all his efforts and although there are a few things which you do not like about the way he is making the proposal, do not spoil this (your and your boyfriend) big day - it should be one of most cherished memories for both of you!

Maybe part of the problems is I don't know that I actually believe in marriage and what marriage is really all about.....

hmm, maybe you are not ready to get married (although engagement does not mean that you must marry within a certain time, it could be a sign that both of you want marriage at some undefined point in the future)?? or... maybe it is not the men for you!!!

I understand that you would prefer the proposal to take place in private.
Hmm, how do you know, maybe your boyfriend is going to propose to you before Saturday's party and then he will do it again among your family and friends? maybe a surprise is waiting for you and you dont know about it ?:) I am just trying to cheer you up :)

He has also told me that he has bought a ring and got it sized (which I think means it can't be returned) and given that he has got the other things wrong about me, there is a good chance that he has bought m a ring I don't like...

hmmm, do you really love him? If you do, trust him... If you love him you will like the ring he chose - well, maybe it will sound strange but, it's just a ring!!!! ohhh, believe me, im sure your boyfriend knows you good enough to choose what you really like :)

anyway, the most important is the one (your boyfriend) who gives you the ring (not the ring I think) - well, if you really love him...

I am wondering what are your thoughts...
Davey 13 | 388
25 Jan 2009 #11
Your username is DoubtfulLove, how much clearer can it be?
ladykangaroo - | 165
25 Jan 2009 #12
Do you want to marry him? If so - how disturbing the stage design can be?
If not - it's not the stage design that stops you from saying "no".

what is this marriage Mal?arky all about then?

It's an ultimate compliment you can get from another person / man. To spend the rest of his life with you must mean you are the most amazing person he has ever met.

Forgive me any possible vagueness/ obscurity, it's not easily to explain the reasons for marriage having 6 beers before :D
rinnieangel 3 | 20
25 Jan 2009 #13
im curious what happened, it 6 months later
nikttaki 5 | 62
26 Jan 2009 #14
it's only two days later :)
OP Doubtfullove 4 | 28
26 Jan 2009 #15
Hi all,

thanks for all your feedback.

You are right Mafketis, he is not typical of a Polish man (or any man that I have ever met). He is very romantic and a very emotional/impulsive person. I am the opposite, much less romantic and like to reflect on things more before I act. I don't necessary think this means that we are not right for each other but sometimes it can cause anxiety for both of us because we see things in different ways.

LadyKangeroo, yes it is the ultimate compliment for him to propose and want to spend the rest of his life with me. I suppose because I'm not so romantic, the 'rest of the life' fairy tale scares me (hell, half the population have been married and divorced..) but it doesn't mean I don't want to be with him and have children with him, and build a life with him.

So, after a good night sleep and a long discussion I feel a lot calmer. In the past we have talked about getting married, so its not like its completely out of the blue, but I think because he organised and told everyone (so that we could have a surprise party) and then I found out about the venue/proposal it kind of made me freak out a bit.

I realise all his excitement and organising has come from a good place, and he really just wanted it all to be very special.

So...after a chat, we have decided to make a few compromises that will make me a lot happier but still allow his romantic side to be satisfied. We are having the party at the end of next month instead of Saturday so that I can actually enjoy being engaged and give us time to plan a nice party together. We are still going to go for dinner and have music (not at our table, just in the restaurant for all to hear.,...rather than over our table for people to stare) and we are going to go away for the weekend just the two of us. Somewhere in this week/at the weekend there will be a very private proposal.

As for the ring...well I've got over the 'spoiled brat syndrome'...I have never been very materialistic so not sure why I was worried about the ring. He usually has great taste, so I've stopped worrying about it..I'm sure it will be lovely.

Well I'll keep you all posted how it goes...thanks again for your advice.
time means 5 | 1,310
26 Jan 2009 #16
Doubtfullove

some good news at a time when it`s thin on the ground. good luck :-)
Lotnik767 3 | 145
26 Jan 2009 #17
It's really his choice if he likes to show up then in public but if he is a romantic kind then do if in a nice quiet place!!
skysoulmate 14 | 1,297
7 Mar 2010 #18
...okay here's the dilemma...Any advice?

An old thread way before my time here at PF but YOU should've proposed to him first! ;)

See, problem solved... Hope things turned out great for you two.
SzwedwPolsce 11 | 1,595
7 Mar 2010 #19
I think it should be a surprise. He shouldn't have told the whole world about it before it took place.
Allison
11 Mar 2010 #20
I think public proposals are creepy, I would definnitely want private.
f stop 25 | 2,513
11 Mar 2010 #21
If you're not sure the answer is going to be yes, make it private.
hector 1 | 6
14 Mar 2010 #22
It could be a mistake to propose in public, but hiring a violinist to play Chopin, that's unforgivable.
RonWest 3 | 120
15 Mar 2010 #24
I've never been a big fan of public grandiose proposals. The proposer is obviously in need of lots of attention. A quiet, private proposal is more appropriate. This is just my opinion. Different strokes for different folks.
pawian 161 | 9,971
27 Aug 2019 #25
I personally think this special moment in your life should be just between two of us and not in front of room full of strangers

Hmm, that is his style and be prepared for more. E.g., he will want to spend the first marital night with you on a lovely beach, with a professional orchestra playing relaxing music next to the bed, making the atmosphere even more romantic
Wincig 2 | 185
28 Aug 2019 #26
that is his style and be prepared for more. E.g., he will want to spend the first marital night with you on a lovely beach

Hopefully that happened 9 years ago..
pawian 161 | 9,971
28 Aug 2019 #27
Thanks for reminding us. What would we, completely clueless, do without you? :):)


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