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Marriage problems in Poland

nope 2 | 43
26 Feb 2018 #1
Hi everyone,
I know this should be the last place to ask for advice but unfortunately I don't have people close to me enough to share it with them.

I have been married for 7 years now, we've had a few bumps on our road but I always thought we will figure it out. 3 days ago my wife told me she needs time to think about her feelings about me( I should point out that she is currently at her mothers due to some problems of her mother with her father ).

You have no idea how much it hurt :(. I am really afraid I am going to lose her. Now I don't know what to do because I would give up everything to not lose her but on the other hand I don't want to be intrusive. Once again: I would do anything not to lose her.

Guys and especially the ladies in this forum, please give me some advice on what to do. To contact her ? To not contact her and wait what she says ?

I haven't eaten or slept in the last 72 hours and it's taking a toll on everything I do ( job,free time, everyday life )
SigSauer 4 | 378
26 Feb 2018 #2
I think its very counter intuitive, and hard to do, but my own opinion and experiences are that less is more. If she is at a point where she says she needs to think about this or that, I honestly don't think there is anything you're going to be able to say which is going to be beneficial to your situation. I would be there for her in the time of need, if she chooses to call on you, but would stop short of being overbearing and appearing desperate for her attention. The basic psychology between the sexes is still at work (IMO), and if you are too overbearing you appear to be a low status male. A confident male that wants his wife as an addition to his happiness and life will not continue to put himself out there openly when he has basically been rebuffed. You should make it evident that your life will go on, successfully, whether you are with her or not, but that you'd prefer to be with her than not. Does this make any sense? This is just my own opinion and how I'd personally view the situation, so take it with a grain of salt.
Dirk diggler 10 | 4,602
26 Feb 2018 #3
Maaaaaan **** b1tches get money thats what you do. Youre gonna cry about some chick you dont even seem to have kids with? Find a new side piece and make her jealous. Or sell all your sh1t amd leave before she gets clever and beats you to it and takes half
OP nope 2 | 43
26 Feb 2018 #4
Thank you very much for your advice. It is not exactly what I had in mind but still I really appreciate it. As about the money, that's not really an issue ( I am not the richest guy of the city but I do ok , she's a also an experienced professional and does well too ) at least I don't think it is...
Atch 23 | 4,057
26 Feb 2018 #5
Hi there Nope, sorry to hear about your troubles. As a married woman, here's my opinion. If you love your wife and you believe that the marriage can be saved with effort on both your sides, then be pro-active and don't just drift along. If your wife loves you then you have a chance to sort things out but you have to try to keep communication going. If you just leave her to 'think' about her feelings indefinitely, you may well lose her. On the other hand, no tears or desperation. Don't tell her you can't eat or sleep etc. Ok, so here's what I would do.

She's been gone three days - have you been in touch with her at all? If not, then send her a text and say you'd like to see her at the weekend. Ten days to think about her feelings is plenty of time. If she refuses, tell her that you respect her need to have time to think and you have demonstrated that by giving her that time. You would simply like to meet up after a reasonable time has elapsed as you are also doing some thinking and you would like her to listen to how YOU feel. Now, if she refuses, don't text her back. Leave her to stew for a day or two. Whatever you do, don't get into a deep, personal conversation via text nor over the phone. You're not a pair of teenagers, you're a married couple and you should only discuss your relationship in person. Insist on that. Sometimes women can play games with their partners so refuse to be a part of that.

Without knowing more details about the precise nature of your bumps along the road, it's hard to give any other advice. But a seven year marriage is worth trying to save. If you take my advice and text her re a meeting, will you get back to us and let us know what she says? God Bless.
johnny reb 47 | 7,055
26 Feb 2018 #6
I have been married for 7 years

There is the Red Flag !
After seven years in a marriage she now legally owns half of everything you have plus.
In my opinion you should be moving your assets for safe keeping someplace untraceable just in case this is her program.
Hopefully this is not the case but if it is at least you have your ass covered.
If she does not come back within seven days sue her in divorce court for abandonment and mental abuse by not fulfilling your needs.
This will speed up her head game on you to decide what she is going to do.
Also keep your eyes open for a potential girlfriend in the meantime.
I hate to be so cold but life is to short and women are replaceable.
OP nope 2 | 43
26 Feb 2018 #7
Thank you so much :) We have been exchanging sms during this time, yesterday she wrote me (between other things which are not relevant).. somewhere in our road we lost interest in each other and now we don't talk like we used to and what worried me more was:Despite what happens remember you're a special and amazing man. It worried because it sounded like a goodbye, maybe we haven't talked a lot especially since the problems between her parents grew to a police call, her father's arrest, some court appearences for her to testify and finally the divorce of her parents, but mostly because she has been included a lot in her parents divorce or maybe I just wasn't taking care enough of her

I had planned a 2 week surprise holiday for this year and I have already booked all the hotels in the route I had planned every detail :( and now it's just crumbling not just the bloody holiday but my whole life ffs.
johnny reb 47 | 7,055
26 Feb 2018 #8
It worried because it sounded like a goodbye,

That is definitely a goodbye.
OP nope 2 | 43
26 Feb 2018 #9
Thank you Johnny, appreciate it.

That is definitely a goodbye.

ouch :(, it seems I was right
Atch 23 | 4,057
26 Feb 2018 #10
Hi Nope. Well, basically you have two situations on the go here. Your wife's family problems and your own marital problems. As I don't know the pair of you, I'm going to give your Missus the benefit of the doubt and say that she may be having a bit of an emotional meltdown because she can't cope with the stress of her parents' break up. It's probably been on the cards for while and she's been upset by it. Your marriage could well be just an average one, not always perfect, because that's normal, But if she's been feeling a bit bored, stuck in a rut, ignored etc her parents' problems could have just brought all her dissatisfaction to a head. It may be completely genuine or it may be a bit of attention seeking, especially as she says she feels that you've lost interest in each other.

The problem you have now is separating the two sets of problems. Your wife will feel that her mother needs her and that will be her priority. My instinct would be to say to your wife that you don't feel that now is the time for the pair of you to be making any decisions about the future of your marriage. That you love her, you want to support her through her parents' breakup and that you would like her to wait before making a decision about your future together. Then say you'd like to see her at the weekend - and if you do see her, ask her to come back home so that the two of you can start talking and trying to sort things out. See what the response is.
OP nope 2 | 43
26 Feb 2018 #11
Thank you :)
Atch 23 | 4,057
26 Feb 2018 #12
You're very welcome Nope. The thing is, that none of us knows to what extent your wife has decided that it's over. It could be that she still hasn't decided that. So it's definitely worth trying. If you could say to her, let's just see this as a new phase of our marriage, where we have stuff to deal with and let's try to do that. If she comes back home, you could tell her about the holiday and say that you planned it because you wanted some special time with her. It certainly proves that you were being thoughtful and if her problem really is just feeling undervalued/noticed, then it could do the trick in demonstrating to her that you care.

Now, having said all that, it has to work two ways. She needs to show some interest YOUR feelings too. And you need to ask yourself, is she inclined to be a pit of a Princess, is there a touch of me, me, me about her? Because if so, that needs to be addressed. I have bigos to stir so I'd better stop here! Keep in touch and let us know how you're getting on. Will be rooting for you :)
Dirk diggler 10 | 4,602
26 Feb 2018 #13
FTS! You need to grow a pair and tell her to chose real quick - you or not you. You gotta be assertive. Obviously give her a few days but I would ask her in person to meet for lunch or whatever and explain you want to talk about the future. Be straight up with her. If she doesn't want to or pulls some BS that she still needs some time - tell her fine, but you're not going to wait forever and you will move on. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

Also, if she does divorce you, you might be making payments for the rest of your life - and not just to her but even her parents which can make a claim against you all the more so if they want easy free money.

She may have met someone else and now she's confused and can't quite decide who to go with. I guarantee that's more than likely what happened.

I am really afraid I am going to lose her.

Don't be - it sounds like this is her loss, not yours. She doesn't appear to be afraid of losing you. Would you really want to keep going with someone that doesn't care about you the way you care about her? You'll find someone else very easily if you're a professional with some money and half decent looks.

if you are too overbearing you appear to be a low status male.

You should make it evident that your life will go on, successfully, whether you are with her or not, but that you'd prefer to be with her than not.

Couldn't agree more - except the very last part 'that you'd prefer to be with her than not.' I think this shows lust and not in a good way as well as exposes your own vulnerability which she may be all too happy to exploit. I would say she needs to make a choice and do it soon. I believe that she's confused and doesn't know who to go with - the guy sh'es been with for years but had a rocky relationships, or the new guy she recently met who seems like the perfect prince charming to her. More often than not when these situations arise with women that's what's going on. In more extreme cases like if the husband is abusive, isn't loyal, or just generally a bad husband there won't be a second male in the picture and the woman will legitimately be deciding whether to stay with you or not - not whether she should stay with you or someone else
kaprys 3 | 2,249
26 Feb 2018 #14
It's a tough time for her. Give her some time but at the same time, make sure she knows you're there for her.

Don't 'make her jealous' if you want to save the marriage. If she has doubts and sees you with another woman, she will think she's no longer important to you.

From what you wrote, I doubt it's about money, either.
You've been together for a while. The daily routine might have killed the passion.
You mentioned you've had some problems. Think how to solve them.
Don't assume she's found someone. Don't get that cynical. And I've never heard of anyone paying alimony to their ex in-laws? Why?
Dirk diggler 10 | 4,602
26 Feb 2018 #15
Don't 'make her jealous'

Why not? Clearly she doesn't care about how he feels? Maybe its extreme, and shouldn't be done prior to asking her what she wants to do. But if she says 'ill think about it' and a month later she's still gone and needs 'more time' then dude needs to move on too and find someone else instead of crying over spilled milk. By saying how bad he wants her back it only makes him look weak and gives his wife more control and a stronger position. She clearly isn't crying about running back to him. Call her and even tell her 'i miss you' and see if she says the same. If she says something like 'i miss you too but i really need to think about where we're going' then its likely she's not with someone. If she doens't say it back or says 'i miss you but i still need time' then its clearly bs. I believe shes' already seeing someone and is conflicted. I'm willing to bet that's what's going on. If you've managed to work through problems what makes this case different? Why run away now all of a sudden - unless youre beating the poor woman or abusing her then she likely is conflicted about men in general and not looking for someone. But if you haven't beat her and treated her fairly well, as a husband should treat a wife, then she likely has met someone and deciding whether to go back to you or pursue a relationship with the new guy.

And I've never heard of anyone paying alimony to their ex in-laws? Why?

Such is Polish law. Your in laws can sue the husband to provide for like living costs. There's a guy here who's going through that exact situation ebcause his ex wife's mom is greedy and wants more money.
kaprys 3 | 2,249
26 Feb 2018 #16
A woman's perspective here: he's out of the door if he cheats me.
The guy wants to save his marriage and you're giving him advice how to ruin it.
It's his wife. Not his b1tch.
Dirk diggler 10 | 4,602
26 Feb 2018 #17
You're right - because in this case he's the b1tch - especially if he's crying about getting her back and imploring her to come home. He needs to be assertive and show that he can live without her and shes ******* things up by leaving instead of talking it out as husband and wife.... he should tell her she needs to make a decision because he needs to know whether there'll be a divorce and if both parties are going to move on OR if they'll stay together and work through their issues or even go to counseling or whatever if they decide on that. He should explain he can take it or leave it - EVEN if he doesn't really mean it and deep down he feels he 'can't live without her.' That way, hell find out the reason why she sought to separate and 'take time off' as well as her future intentions. If she goes back to him, she clearly loves him. If she says she needs more time, she's either still conflicted or is figuring out the next moves with divorce, alimony, etc. and likely already chose the new guy over him. Unless of course he treated his wife really bad in which case there liekly is no other male. Only OP knows that though.

how to ruin it.

Oh because the marraige isn't pretty much ruined already? The guy just said he's had a rocky relationship and now she left him, is talking about separating, and says she 'needs time.' Separation is the first step towards a divorce.

A woman's perspective here

Then you'd know unless he's been treating her really really bad i guaruntee you that the reason she left and is talking about needing time is because she found someone and is conflicted.
O WELL 1 | 156
26 Feb 2018 #18
LOL love the marriage counsellors here,To the OP dude get professional help and grow up.
kaprys 3 | 2,249
26 Feb 2018 #19
@Dirk diggler
Nah, sometimes people just need some time alone. It's not an euphemism for breaking up like in American films. If she wants a divorce, she'll tell him. If she's found someone, she'll tell. And he is looking for solution. That's what grow ups do. She's texting him back. There's hope.

Good luck whatever happens, nope.
mafketis 36 | 10,858
26 Feb 2018 #20
:Despite what happens remember you're a special and amazing man

To be honest that sounds like she has already checked out of the marriage... and has a replacement lined up, women usually don't jump ship until they see a new port in view. That is code to soften the blow while you get the hint.

If you want to give things a chance then say you'll give her time to think... but not an infinite time and you can't guarantee you'll be there for her when she decides. Your life is not a game that she can call time out on.
Atch 23 | 4,057
26 Feb 2018 #21
Also, if she does divorce you, you might be making payments for the rest of your life

That's only if he admits fault. They can divorce with an agreement that neither is at fault. In that case there are no life payments.

@ Nope, bear in mind that when you ask strangers for relationship advice, they bring their own issues to the table. Some people here are bitter divorcees, some are young and single and have never even lived with someone let alone been married, etc etc. Nobody here knows either you or your wife so even with the best intentions we're limited in how helpful we can be to you. Maybe your wife would consider going to counselling with you.
mafketis 36 | 10,858
26 Feb 2018 #22
Maybe your wife would consider going to counselling with you.

Therapy of any kind is a very tough sell if she's Polish...
WielkiPolak 56 | 1,008
26 Feb 2018 #23
Hey 'nope' I take it your wife is Polish and you guys live in Poland? Where are you from?
johnny reb 47 | 7,055
26 Feb 2018 #24
Maybe your wife would consider going to counselling with you.

BINGO, very good advise Atch and while you are there gently bring up what I am about to tell you.

O.K. here is my honest scenario as I have witnessed it many times in my old life.

Mom is getting a divorce and now has turned into a man hater.
She is to old to find another man to take care of her so she turns to her daughter for that.
You are in the way so Mom is going to drive a wedge between you and your wife any way she can so daughter gets a divorce and moves back home with Mom.

Mom now has company and someone to take care of her the rest of her life.
And with most daughters don't see the trees in the forest because of the love they have for Mommy.
You are walking on egg shells here.
The only hope is to take your wife and move as far away as you can from her mother so you can have your own lives together.

I wish you the best of luck nope, I really do.
You are now on my prayer chain.
WielkiPolak 56 | 1,008
26 Feb 2018 #25
The reason I ask about nationality, is that since 'nope' isn't Polish and probably isn't even slavic, it could just be a mentality issue. Your mentalities are too different. Once you get over that honeymoon period [it can last months or even years, in your case] where you're in love [or think you're in love], you start to realise as time goes by, how different you are to the other person. It could be that this has started to hit her and she isn't coping with it well.

As Muhammad Ali said, that's why blue birds fly with blue birds and red birds fly with red birds. They aren't as smart as us yet they know to stat together.

At some point, you'll want Chinese food and she'll want Polish food or she will want to go to church and you'll want to go to the beach. Obviously these are just examples that might not apply to you, but the point is, once these differences start to add up, the relationship can go sour. The spark wasn't going to last forever and to some degree you have to be compatible. If that's what it is, she might have made up her mind already. Or she could just be going through a phase and she'll snap out of it. Who knows?
johnny reb 47 | 7,055
26 Feb 2018 #26
And whatever you do don't get her pregnant thinking a child will help the situation.
It won't.
That will only make matters worse.
Dirk diggler 10 | 4,602
26 Feb 2018 #27
ah, sometimes people just need some time alone.

Absolutely - which is why he should find out whether she needed some time alone and is ready to come back or if she has other plans in mind. He won't know unless he's assertive and asks about her intentions whether she even plans on being wit him or not.

That's what grow ups do. She's texting him back. There's hope.

Just because she texts him means nothing. We don't know the content or even the tone. It offers far less info than a phone call, let alone a lunch to hash things out.

And whatever you do don't get her pregnant thinking a child will help the situation.

Best advice.

There's so many beautiful Polish girls that will go for OP as an English speaker and a professional wiht some dough. No reason to stick around with some woman that can't even be bothered to meet for lunch or a phone call explaining how she feels, whena nd if she'll be back after the seperation, etc. No, she's just playing mind games while she figures out what to do. Unfortunately the OP isn't realizing this and is too focused on losing her and being heart broken. He's thinking with his pecker instead of his brain. Unless he abused her, I guarantee you the reason for the separation and the way she's acting is because she's conflicted on whether to stay with OP or take a chance and go with the new guy she met. She's just toying with him to see how he reacts and keeping him in the dark - or even make him feel as if the separation is his fault.
kaprys 3 | 2,249
26 Feb 2018 #28
One more thing, if, I hope not, the whole thing ends up with divorce and she will be able to prove your infidelity, you may end up making payments to her.
OP nope 2 | 43
26 Feb 2018 #30
@Dirk diggler
I am going to respond to you with 1 sentence only, :
You know your women Dirk, unfortunately can't say the same about myself :(

@ the rest,
thank you very much for taking time to respond, very much appreciated.

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