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My husband going to Poland after gotten his green card. Dreading his visit home to mom.


chelle2926 2 | 5
3 Feb 2010 #1
My husband has finally gotten his green card and is going to Poland for his first visit in 6 years. My question is this....What can I expect when he returns? He has really started being more comfortable around my friends and family, even laughs now and again(when he never used to). He talks more and shares his feelings more(getting him to talk about his feelings was like pulling teeth). I have broken him of his habit of being catered to, he actually helps around the house now, where before it was my "job" to do everything. I guess I'm afraid when he goes to poland to his mom that all the hardwork and progress we have made towards making our marriage work for both of us, will be undone by spending 2 months in his mothers home being treated like a king(especially because he hasn't been home in so long)...not that he isn't treated well at home but we are equal partners now. How do we avoid going back to old habits without taking away from the excitement of his trip to poland? Would appreciate any advice on how to deal with the aftermath of an extended vacation to mom's house?
f stop 25 | 2,513
3 Feb 2010 #2
Have you considered going with him?
skysoulmate 14 | 1,297
3 Feb 2010 #3
... He talks more and shares his feelings more(getting him to talk about his feelings was like pulling teeth). I have broken him of his habit of being catered to, he actually helps around the house now, where before it was my "job" to do everything...

Chelle - this is a reply from a guy's perspective so you might not like it.

It sounds like the two of you have been working on improving your communication skills, respect for each other, etc., etc. Great.

Yet you said "you've broken him of his habit..."

What the heck, really? Did he break you of your habit of not getting on your four when he needs you to?

C'mon, you want respect which is great but it's a mutual thing. The phrase you used is demeaning, at least in my view it is, but I'm sure that's not what you meant.

You worry about the 2 months he'll spend with his mom. Why? Let him enjoy that time without ruining it by your 'nagging'. You guys have your entire lives ahead of you to figure each other out.

The part about him not wanting to open up sounds very familar to me.

I too struggled with being able to open up to my now ex-wife. I'm very logical by nature and sometimes couldn't see why we'd have to talk about issues we'd already talked about in the past. You wouldn't think I had trouble with opening up based on the many posts I've made here on PF but that's how it was.

When women "talk" often it's just a way for them to share feelings, to connect, to feel close to someone. When men talk often it's to find a fix, a solution, to repair somethings that's broke. So I struggled when listening about her work-related problems because I didn't know how to fix them. Often she just wanted me to listen to her and to have a shoulder to lean on when sad. ...but I didn't get it. Many guys don't.

The irony is that I can work with pretty complicated computers and will fly an airplane from one continent to another with no problem. Yet I didn't understand those very basic, common sense facts about how men and women differ in their reasoning. I had to see a 'shrink' to figure that out.

My point is - don't assume that what's common sense to you is common sense to him - it isn't! He should of course know that running a houshold is a 50-50 deal. If he doesn't - that's laziness not ignorance. However don't expect him to be exactly the way you want him to be. If that's what you want - get a pet.

Sorry about the bluntness in my reply, and good luck to you two.
beckski 12 | 1,617
3 Feb 2010 #4
Would appreciate any advice on how to deal with the aftermath of an extended vacation to mom's house?

Make him sleep on the couch, if he gives you any crap when he returns.
Harry
3 Feb 2010 #5
How do we avoid going back to old habits without taking away from the excitment of his trip to poland? Would appreciate any advice on how to deal with the aftermath of an extended vacation to mom's house?

If he gives you any trouble when he gets back, tell him to go sleep on the sofa. When he objects just ask him "Do you sleep with your mother? No, well if treat me like your mother you don't get to sleep with me either."
Exiled 2 | 425
3 Feb 2010 #6
Get him a polish baby sitter when he gets back.
OP chelle2926 2 | 5
4 Feb 2010 #7
I don't want him to change to be exactly how I want him to be, then he wouldn't be the man I fell in love with. And yes I meant exactly what I said about breaking him of his habit of being catered to. He expected things without giving in return, because he was used to these things just being done for him in the past. I guess instead of saying breaking him of his habits, I could've said teaching him that he needs to put in just as much as he expects to receive. And his opening up more has nothing to do with me wanting to get all emotional or needing a shoulder to cry on or to just talk his ear off. It has everything to do with getting him to say anything at all. period. He says it's because he expresses himself better in polish and when he trys to translate it to english it doesn't come out right. So we have lovely fights where he is yellling in polish and me in english...makes for great translating later ;). And I am not nagging about him going to poland, but his return home from poland, my life won't go on hold while he is gone. I just wanted advice on how to get him back in the swing of family life when he comes home from having to do nothing for 2 months except show his family how to make his new favorite drink of mojitos. Especially cuz I have never been with anyone who has gone on a vacation for that long before...Im sure there will be readjusting on both sides....just wanted advice on how to make the adjustment easier??

fstop i have considered it...but i have 2 children from my previous marriage one in grade school and i can't get the time off of work...if it was summer vacation we would most definitely be going with him.

beckski and harry...i love your solution....
beckski 12 | 1,617
4 Feb 2010 #8
If he gives you any trouble when he gets back, tell him to go sleep on the sofa.

Copy cat!

beckski and harry...i love your solution....

Glad to offer my advice. Good luck!
RonWest 3 | 120
4 Feb 2010 #9
[quote=beckski]Make him sleep on the couch, if he gives you any crap when he returns.

WTF?
skysoulmate 14 | 1,297
4 Feb 2010 #10
... I guess instead of saying breaking him of his habits, I could've said teaching him that he needs to put in just as much as he expects to receive.

Fair enough, it makes more sense now.

...And his opening up more has nothing to do with me wanting to get all emotional or needing a shoulder to cry on or to just talk his ear off. ... It has everything to do with getting him to say anything at all. period.

Well, what I was trying to say was that I recognize his behavior because that's how I used to be.

Either way, good luck to you both...
BackOfTheNet81 2 | 18
4 Feb 2010 #11
I really think you're over-analysing things which will probably turn out to cause no problem whatsoever but thats what women do :)

People(as with many other animals) are quite capable of existing in 2 separate environments, with 2 completely different sets of rules, and living to tell the tale. When your man comes back after his trip he'll almost certainly just slot right back into the way things were before and you'll wonder what all the womanly fuss was about.

Give the guy a break & just let him enjoy his trip home. 6yrs is a long long time.
f stop 25 | 2,513
5 Feb 2010 #12
So, is it "normal' for a married couple to spend 2 months vacations apart?
And two months?? Once you've grown up, the time spent with your mother pretty much consists of Christmas and Easter dinners (unless her roof colapsed or something), and that does not add up to even 2 weeks in 6 years. And that's assuming you bring your own wife and family, not just by yourself.

Even when married people are separated for work, it usually does not strengthen the marriage, let alone extended 'vacations'.
I would try to arrange vacations together, even if they are limited to one or two weeks. I'm not a great fan of institution of marriage, but at the minimum, to me it means spending the nights together.
ZIMMY 6 | 1,601
5 Feb 2010 #13
He has really started being more comfortable around my friends and family,

I have broken him of his habit of being catered to

You're a typical control freak. Do you ever analyze your words and how you express yourself?

Make him sleep on the couch, if he gives you any crap when he returns.

If he gives you any trouble when he gets back, tell him to go sleep on the sofa.

I assume the sofa and or couch is half his and half hers; perhaps they can alternate sleeping on it.

spending 2 months in his mothers home being treated like a king

Yes Queeney, how awful that a man should actually enjoy himself.

teaching him

That's woman talk for 'nagging'.

Im sure there will be readjusting on both sides.

Nah, you'll be the same old B!tch and the only changes you will insist on will be his.

i have 2 children from my previous marriage

The lucky guy got fed up with your constant demands and overplanning eh?
f stop 25 | 2,513
5 Feb 2010 #14
chelle, ignore Zimmy. He tries not to pass any opportunities to bash women. Hateful little troll.
beckski 12 | 1,617
5 Feb 2010 #15
Zimmy. He tries not to pass any opportunities to bash women.

You're right f stop. Zimmy reminds me of Walter Kowalski (and that's putting it lightly.)
ZIMMY 6 | 1,601
5 Feb 2010 #16
ignore Zimmy

The truth will set you free.

Zimmy reminds me of Walter Kowalski

Clint Eastwood and I have a lot in common.

Now Chelle, are you reflecting on how 'bossy' you are? After reading your attempt at putting your potential problem in your best light, one cannot but help feel sorry for your current husband. He has to deal with how you plan to manage him.

It is certainly true that after marriage men want women to remain the way they were before they got married. Conversely, women want to change men after marriage. It's an easy answer as to who as the higher moral ground?

Zimmy reminds me of Walter Kowalski

Kowalski died an honorable man, a hero
beckski 12 | 1,617
6 Feb 2010 #17
Kowalski

I was referring to his insane side.
pawian 161 | 9,971
18 Aug 2019 #18
Conversely, women want to change men after marriage

Yes, many women make this mistake. It isn`t their fault, they are simply too optimistic when they believe it is possible. Of course it`s not. Worse, the man who tried to control himself before the marriage,, now shows all his true vices and shortcomings.

Some people say - lets get rid of marriages at all and the problems will disappear. But it isn`t so simple.
Rich Mazur 4 | 3,737
18 Aug 2019 #19
Any guy who would voluntarily spend two months with his "mom" is mentally defective. Same with a guy who tells everybody how he loves his mom.

men want women to remain the way they were before they got married. Conversely, women want to change men after marriage.

That was pure genius. Before - a lover. After - a mother, version 2.0
pawian 161 | 9,971
20 Aug 2019 #20
Any guy who would voluntarily spend two months with his "mom" is mentally defective.

I tend to agree. Even the Bible says: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.

However:
The OP`s husband`s devotion to his mother could be called sick if not for the long period of his absence in the old country - he hasn`t seen his mum for 6 years. I think he can be excused.

That was pure genius. Before - a lover. After - a mother, version 2.0

The problem is that it is MEN who turn their wives into mother version 2. They expect their wives to do everything what their mothers did for them: cook, feed, clean, wash, iron. Anything else?

I knew about it from the beginning and never allowed my wife to do such things for me. She is my wife, not my mother. In result, we have had a very healthy relationship for over 25 years now. And we still do what spouses are supposed to do .


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