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Living with a Polish man, but he has a drinking problem?


worriedanita
8 Feb 2012  #1
Hi,
Possibly not the place to be asking for advice but as I'm persistently told that my problem is cultural, here goes.
I have been living with a Polish man for the last two years, I speak Polish , have met the family and get on reasonably well with MOST of the Poles locally.

The first couple of months were great, liked the people I met, loved being with my partner. around the third month I was introduced to a group of people who my partner said were friends, but can't say I liked them, they drank very heavily, swore a great deal and the females were very hostile. My partner then announced that he had drink problems????

I had not ANY evidence of this previously. The next 12/15 months were fine except we only seemed to mix with this crowd, he didn't seem to contact his nicer friends. My partner didn't drink very heavily just cider at weekends and vodka about every 6 weeks or so. I always accompanied him to these friends so he didn't drink much, there were a lot of comments about 'being under the thumb'. In Oct my partner's 21 year old nephew came to live with us, nice lad but like any lad that age he likes his fun. since his arrival my partner disappears with his nephew for hours on end, despite saying they will only be 30mins and never rings to say he's going to be late, despite constant requests to do so.

The alcohol levels have increased and they spend all their time with the heavy drinking mob. I never get asked to accompany him any more.

I have discussed this with both the nephew and my partner, both seem to blame each other but the nephew recognises that it's a big problem now.

To make things worse one of the female drinkers split with her boyfriend and now she and her parents want my partner to move in with them??????

This girl constantly texts and phones asking my partner and nephew to go drinking somtimes 20/30 times a night, she has offered them both ( together and alone) sex and has asked both to move in and even said she'd marry my partner????? My partner doesn't hide any of this stuff with the girl neither does the nephew.

Every time i try to discuss this with my partner I get the usual rubbish about how it’s part of Polish culture to drink heavily, for women to try and pinch other women’s men and to ruthlessly chase blokes. Apparently Polish women understand all this and can cope with it.

After weeks of this rubbish I finally snapped when my partner and nephew came back drunk. My partner punched the nephew really badly, broke the door and spilt soup every where including over himself! The nephew is now living away with my family

and the partner has been thrown out, he went straight to the heavy drinking mob.
My partner’s family worried and so am I, I have all his stuff at my house and I can’t contact him as his phone was broken in the fight with the nephew so he threw it down the drain.

I don’t know what to do as his drinking mates threatened me when I enquired after him. Please tell me that this is a purely personality problem not a cultural issue.

I can’t have a relationship with some one who’s culture accepts this kind of behaviour as normal, and I can’t believe this is true ?
phtoa 9 | 236
8 Feb 2012  #2
Well oviously this is not a cultural issue, youve just been lucky to find a low live loser which also exist in any other country around the world!
southern 75 | 7,097
8 Feb 2012  #3
I would say it is time to start drinking vodka.
pip 10 | 1,661
8 Feb 2012  #4
I think it is a personal issue hiding behind a cultural one. Yes, Poles drink Vodka- just like every other country has its choice of drinks but nobody is forcing him to drink nor is there any cultural rule about having to drink. My husband used to say "I get drunk because it is in my DNA." well- that got slapped out of him pretty fast. What it is -is using culture as an excuse to get wasted. doesn't fly. time to move on.
Wroclaw 44 | 5,388
8 Feb 2012  #5
I'm persistently told that my problem is cultural

No, the problem is deeper. lack of interest, stress, work related problems etc.

get a message to him that he should get himself home and discuss it, but only when he is sober.

do you consider your relationship as over ?
OP worriedanita
8 Feb 2012  #6
I think it is a personal issue hiding behind a cultural one.

I tend to agree with you Pip, I can't believe it's anything to do with Poland per se, the ';friends' behaviour is despicable they could see how well he was doing but just encouraged bad behaviour via the nephew. Can't believe that all Polish women behave so badly either, his family are wonderful and really supportive of the nephew being removed from the situation, he says he's more settled now as he doesn't feel obliged to drink with my family. I don't know if my partner will re appear at some point in time ????? but I'm very unsure about taking him back
Harry
8 Feb 2012  #7
Please tell me that this is a purely personality problem not a cultural issue.

It is not a cultural issue: there are twats in every society and culture, Poland is no different.

I can’t have a relationship with some one who’s culture accepts this kind of behaviour as normal, and I can’t believe this is true ?

Some Poles do accept it as normal, but then some of every nation will.
Wroclaw 44 | 5,388
8 Feb 2012  #8
but I'm very unsure about taking him back

if he's been away for more than a few days..... it's over. he obviously has accommodation elsewhere.
OP worriedanita
8 Feb 2012  #9
HeWroclaw

if he's been away for more than a few days..... it's over. he obviously has accommodation elsewhere.

He's with the girl and her parents as far as I know but he's never expressed any desire to live with them before quite the opposite.

He is quite refined when not drinking so I doubt he'd want a set up with some one who's offered sex to both his nephew and him ???

He has often complained that theuy are ignorant apes but obviously they don't judge his drinking .
I need time to think because I have been offered a transfer at work and maybe that might get us away from this crowd, fresh start etc....

He was quite keen on this till I threw him out.
Lyzko
8 Feb 2012  #10
Familial abuse and the like are hardly typically of Poland alone. There always has been though a tradition in certain Slavic countries of some rather heavy intoxicants consumed on perhaps a more regular basis than even in Germany, not to mention the Anglo-Saxon countries.

Finns, I've heard, both from natives and foreign visitors, tend to become some of the nastiest drunks around.
Be mindful still of cultural stereotyping.
Wroclaw 44 | 5,388
8 Feb 2012  #11
that might get us away from this crowd, fresh start etc....

it's difficult for us here to judge the situation. i wish you well.
pgtx 29 | 3,159
8 Feb 2012  #12
i would say that it is his character, not Polish culture.

althought, Polish men abroad seem to be drunks and cheaters. not all of them, but many.

just take that job, change the place and try to be happy without him, the other good things will follow. don't waste your life, it is too short. i wish you all the best.
Lyzko
8 Feb 2012  #13
Take pgtx's advice would be my final word of advice.
JonnyM 11 | 2,621
8 Feb 2012  #14
I can't have a relationship with some one who's culture accepts this kind of behaviour as normal, and I can't believe this is true ?

Get away and stay away, As soon as possible. This situation will not get better, only worse. It is only partly a cultural problem in that toe-rags of different cultures express their worthlessness in different ways. Move on, you will find better.
teflcat 5 | 1,032
8 Feb 2012  #15
I can’t have a relationship with some one who’s culture accepts this kind of behaviour as normal

It's not normal Polish behaviour, which makes him a liar as well as a useless bum. Walk away from this one Anita. He won't change.
rybnik 18 | 1,462
8 Feb 2012  #16
Anita,
I concur with the above statements/advice. As someone, who has dealt with addiction on a professional as well as personal level, the addicted needs to realize that they need help before they will seek it out.

Go on with your life!
Good luck
f stop 25 | 2,513
8 Feb 2012  #17
be ready - he'll be back.
By then, you have to have it straight in your mind what you will put up with and what you cannot.
Let him know, but make sure your bottom line is reasonable and that you can stick to it.
He'll probably appreciate your resolve and you will live happily ever after. ;)
In the meantime, do what's best for you.
donlou31 1 | 30
8 Feb 2012  #18
He's with the girl and her parents as far as I know

I would damn well want to know for sure, I wouldn't trust him nor speak to him again if this is where he has been staying. He knows exactly what your reaction to staying with this girl will be.

Even if you did decide to take him back and make it a condition that he stays away from these "friends" there's nothing to say that a few months down the line you won't be back in this situation again if he decides to visit them again. It could also be a case of the green eyed monster, or in this case monsters. His "friends" could well be jealous of the life/relationship he has with you and encourage him to mess up, not that it is an excuse as he is a grown man and responsible for his actions, even if the mates are saying he is under the thumb etc.... A guy who does not have the balls to say no to his mates and shows no respect for his woman Jest on cipki!!

just take that job, change the place and try to be happy without him, the other good things will follow. don't waste your life, it is too short.

Agreed

Good luck with whatever you decide.
JonnyM 11 | 2,621
8 Feb 2012  #19
He's with the girl and her parents as far as I know

'With the girl' is the important part of that phrase. Don't be a doormat, walk away from the situation and you'll slowly but surely start to feel better.
smurf 39 | 1,982
8 Feb 2012  #20
dump him. problem over.
1 question, why was he holding soup when he punched the kid?
delphiandomine 83 | 17,625
8 Feb 2012  #21
1 question, why was he holding soup when he punched the kid?

The amusing part is that he covered himself in soup after belting the kid. Wouldn't it have made more sense to throw the soup at the kid?
Harry
8 Feb 2012  #22
Wouldn't it have made more sense to throw the soup at the kid?

Surely I'm not alone in feeling that the gentleman in question is unlikely to have won many prizes for his sensible behaviour.
gumishu 11 | 5,012
8 Feb 2012  #23
I don't know if my partner will re appear at some point in time ????? but I'm very unsure about taking him back

he most probably will be back - and it's very possible that he's gonna turn aggressive - (because he already takes you for granted)
rybnik 18 | 1,462
8 Feb 2012  #24
he most probably will be back - and it's very possible that he's gonna turn aggressive

Right
First the nephew then.....?
delphiandomine 83 | 17,625
8 Feb 2012  #25
Surely I'm not alone in feeling that the gentleman in question is unlikely to have won many prizes for his sensible behaviour.

Well no, any man who wastes good soup by spilling it over himself rather than eating it first (or at least putting it down) is bound to be a tad foolish.
JonnyM 11 | 2,621
8 Feb 2012  #26
Right
First the nephew then.....?

An acquaintance (also called Anita) was married to a heavy drinker who used to get nasty. She strangled him in self-defence one night. The case was thrown out of court but not until she'd been on remand for several months waiting for a murder trial. Problem drinking affects everyone around the drinker and is usually too big a problem for their partner to endure alone. You admit there's a pretty big problem (after all, you're asking about it from an internet fora) and sadly such problems usually get worse.

You obviously still love him, but standing between you is alcohol, a toxic chemical. You need to give yourself some space. If he sobers upo, fine. There are Polish language AA meetings in the UK, but if not, this problem will not get better.
pam
8 Feb 2012  #27
it definitely sounds to me as though your partner has a drink problem. his association with these lowlifes is exacerbating the problem, and i feel sorry for you. however he is mixing with them because he obviously wants to get drunk. he has already admitted he has a problem with alcohol. rather tellingly,when you and he visited these so called friends, he didnt drink too much. obviously because you were with him.it sounds to me like his drinking is out of control and as soon as you were no longer invited, it turned into a free for all.i wish you luck but whether you take him back or not,he needs to get some help.moving away with him wont sort the problem out. he might just find another group of undesirables.this is definitely not a cultural problem.
Wroclaw Boy
8 Feb 2012  #28
Why don't you all crucify the guy a bit more, a few more posts and he'll be a friggen axe murderer.
pam
8 Feb 2012  #29
far from it, this guy just needs help. would you want him as boyfriend material for your daughter( if you have one lol)
ShortHairThug - | 1,103
8 Feb 2012  #30
far from it, this guy just needs help

So how does the gossip on a public forum help exactly? Is this a supposed therapy for him or for you?

worriedanita should send him for a counseling if she thinks there’s a problem, gossiping won’t do the trick. What you think is irrelevant, you simply don’t know and no amount of both of your ******** here will accomplish that.


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