I think I probably over-stated my position there. I didn't mean that I rule the relationship with an iron fist, I meant specifically regarding the orders that her mother tries to hand down to me. The whole issue here is that her mother is literally telling me what to do, and tell my GF as well. That is what will never fly, and refusing to click my heels and do exactly what her mother says can't possibly mean that I'm a bad/controlling guy. We are in this relationship for ourselves, not for her or her sister. None of this "refusing to bow down to her mother" stuff would even be an issue if her sister and mother weren't working together to make trouble. And I know this is a bad sign.
Still, the fact is there's been no discussion about what I'm describing here between me/her and her mother/sister. I've been quite diplomatic and smooth the entire time, so I've given no hints as to anything controversial and there's no reason for them to have developed any worry about such things. For them it's only about them trying to figure out how much money exists on my side of the family, based mainly on how much cash I spend on them. I'm sharing my inner thoughts here on PF, not my visible behavior.
The reality is that my GF and I both work and will continue to; she wants a career and I have no problem with it, especially in today's global economy. We are very compatible and happy together. It's not about some ultra-conservative relationship where I make all the decisions and she's all humble in the kitchen. She's a strong-willed Polish woman and woe be unto me if I ever betrayed her. We do decide things together, and yes, if I feel that strongly about something important, she doesn't have a problem with me having the final word because she is not a feminist. So I apologize for getting that wrong idea across, that is my fault; I was really only trying to say that I won't let her mother or sister control our lives or dictate our value system.
I'm only trying to express my frustration with the attempts at dominance over me by the mother, which is only happening through the manipulation by the sister. Once again I apologize if what I got across here was that I'm somehow controlling over my woman or some knuckle-dragging 1950s archetype.
What I'm about is being in control of myself, making me a stable, consistent, and reliable partner in a relationship. I know how to conduct myself in a long-term relationship, how to talk about things and not be combative. I actually thought people would be more interested in my resistance to the matriarchy, but nobody responded regarding that.
Anyway, I gave the wrong impression with that defiant-sounding paragraph and I apologize.delphiandomine
Could you please explain in a little more detail? What seems to be happening is she is choosing me over them, and I'm being aloof and not rubbing anything in their face or getting in the way. They are all avoiding each others' phonecalls and texts, it's like I have nothing to do with it whatsoever. My GF tells me all the time she is all too willing to cut off her contact with them; there are no other family members in the USA, and the ones back in Poland appear to be on our side because her mother has always been the rebel of the extended family.
What I'm wanting for is to be accepted and for them to stop being so superficial and materialistic, which is particularly frustrating because I've already been accepted by everyone officially, but over time the sister has slowly introduced jealousy into the equation because my GF has never been in a more serious relationship than the one she's in with me. One that could actually result in marriage.
Are you saying that if there's ever a disagreement between me and her family members, to just give up on the entire relationship and lifetime of marriage? Just like that? That seems unfair, as if I'm inconsequential and have nothing to offer or influence here.sister act
Thanks a lot... it sounds like you really understand what I'm trying to say. If it weren't for this problem, my GF would be too good to be true! It's like she's perfect, except for this one thing which happens to be really major and so now all of a sudden things look pleasantly normal. Hence my post here, to try and get some advice on the cultural level. The idea you raise about approval from the extended family and the village definitely sounds familiar... especially the jealousy.
Before I came into the picture, my GF was in a bad financial situation and working 100 hours per week, and after I showed up everything has really improved. She is very happy now, and all her friends, as well as the extended family members, are on our side. It's only the sister, who has always been against us, and now lately the mother, who before was quite supportive. It really comes down to the jealousy thing. The sister is driving herself insane with envy, as she's always been the dominant older sister and very competitive, and now it's looking like she is not going to be married first.
Again I just want to apologize to everyone reading this who get the idea that I'm some sort of controlling fascist in my relationships. I promise I'm not. I am stubborn though and I resent un-just treatment from two jealous people who should be very happy about where things are going.
It's the weirdest dynamic -- when my GF is unhappy, unhealthy, and in a bad spot in life, her sister and mother blossom with joy. When my GF is happy and healthy, suddenly they become enraged with jealousy and start obsessing over ways to tear her down and make her miserable.Chrysalis
We are in this relationship for ourselves, not for her or her sister.
I made a typo here. I meant to say, "We are in this relationship for ourselves, not for her mother or her sister."