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How do Polish guys feel about having an older girlfriend/wife?

canadian_girl 1 | 6
2 Aug 2011 #1
I'm a Canadian girl (obviously, lol) and met a really great Polish guy online (totally by chance... in an online game). When we first started chatting, we were both polite and neither of us asked for each other's age. We had a lot in common and liked a lot of the same music, etc, which made me assume that he was probably somewhere around my age. We really enjoyed our chats and after about 2 weeks or so, I finally asked him for his age and found out that he's 8 years younger than me (I just turned 30 yesterday). If I knew that from the start, I probably wouldn't have bothered continuing to chat with him, as I normally wouldn't go for a guy 8 years younger, but I already liked him so much that I let it slide. Exceptions can always be made! :) He seems very mature for his age and I still have that youthful spark to my personality and everyone thinks I look more like I'm in my early-mid 20's rather than 30, so we certainly wouldn't look out of place together. I asked him if he had a problem with my age and he said he didn't.

After a few weeks of text-based chatting, we began voice chatting (cheaper than paying long distance and nearly as good sound quality) and we would talk up to 8 hours per day sometimes on weekends! Naturally, we've fallen in love, and will eventually end up meeting and I hope we will have just as much chemistry in person as we do now. We've both seen pics of each other and have video chatted and we're very attracted to each other physically too. We were already crazy about each other before knowing what we looked like, so it was a pleasant relief! :)

I know he SAYS my age doesn't bother him. But I sometimes wonder if he's too young to know what he really wants, and it will suddenly hit him one day and he'll change his mind.

I also wonder if his family wouldn't be happy about our age difference.

In general, do Poles look down on relationships where the woman is older than the man?
hubabuba - | 113
2 Aug 2011 #2
unfortunately it is more accepted when a man is older as it is all over the world. But I dont think You should have a problem with the age difference, he is an adult and 8 years is not that much. soooo all the best!!
sister act 2 | 88
2 Aug 2011 #3
In general, do Poles look down on relationships where the woman is older than the man?

hubabuba is on your ignore list. [+]

Yes they do look down on the woman I know this from experience I am older than my husband and it is a joke in his family. Even thought his sisters both have boyfriends that are older that them with a bigger age gap than me and my husband have.

But canadian girl never worry about what other people think especially his family. My husband family have lead a sheltered and do not really know how things work in the real world. For example my husband grandad who is the main proster about my age Has actually never left his village in his life. He spend his life working in the forest and then on his farm and only goes into the village once a week for shopping . How can theose type of people understand how the world works today. I do respect that my husband grandad knows his stuff when it comes to land, anmials and growing things they are very narrow minded otherwise. Because this is his opnion of the granddad the head of the family it is everybodys opnion.

Also there is nothing going on in the village so I know they complain about the age gap all the time.
Any time I am not around my husband mother is telling why is he with an older woman even though there is only a 4 year age gap. My sisters in law have men 9 and 12 years older than then and that is perfectly acpectable. It is discimation that her son can not chose an more experienced woman and he is expected to marry an 18 or 19 year old from the village. I tell my husband the reason your family want you to leave me and marry a girl from the village. Is a girl from the village would be easier to miluplate and bully as my inlaws attempts to control me have failed.

I am happily married and our age difference NEVER has been a problem for us.
Don't mind what his family think.
2 Aug 2011 #4
I know he SAYS my age doesn't bother him. But I sometimes wonder if he's too young to know what he really wants, and it will suddenly hit him one day and he'll change his mind.

This is a generic human question, not specific to Poles - most probably your friend himself cannot predict how he is gonna feel about the age difference years from now.

I also wonder if his family wouldn't be happy about our age difference.

Would you be happy as a parent? Probably most parents in the world wouldn't be excited about 8 years age difference. Again, your friend may not care about what his family thinks, it's not like Polish men are particularly known for listening to their mums. Still, if you are good looking, nice, polite, not so poor, then chances are they may accept you.
Laciaty - | 2
2 Aug 2011 #5
Hey canadian_girl,

I was going to write a long post but won't. I'm in a happy relationship with a girl 6 years older then I. I like her, she likes me and that's all there is to it. There are many reasons for which relationships fail, age difference may be a factor (I was dating a much younger - 10 years - girl, relationship started ok but then it became clear that we don't have much to talk about), though doubtfully a decisive one. The only age related issue I can think of are children. He's got more time then you to decide.

With regards to your question about the family... your age may or may not be an issue, depending on their background. Besides, there is always a chance that they will find other reasons to dislike you ;). Ask him, he knows his parents best.

All the best ;)
DAMIEN123 2 | 18
2 Aug 2011 #6
its not a problem my polish wife is older,, seems to me like you had better meet up and at least spend time with each other first though
teflcat 5 | 1,029
2 Aug 2011 #7
Canadian girl. Why worry what his family thinks? You can be making marriage plans before you've even met. Anyway, thinking about the long-term future when you're crazily in love is not a great idea. Take it easy. Enjoy yourselves.
TheMan - | 56
2 Aug 2011 #8
I am also in a similar situation, my polish GF has got 4 yrs on me but I don't mind. I'm not sure if her family knows about the age gap but it's not their business anyway... She'll always be 18 in my eyes and it helps that we have stuff in common and like similar things.

I can't imagine dating some 20-yr old giggling girl, I couldn't cope with the drama... OMG my nails!, OMG my facebook, OMG my false lashes. I've got someone I love that knows her mind and keeps a certain level of independence and thus keeps me on my toes. I hope it works out for you canadian girl.

P.S. I'm not polish by the way
Midas 1 | 571
2 Aug 2011 #9
Ok, I'm afraid I'm going to be the bearer of bad news.

I asked him if he had a problem with my age and he said he didn't.

Polish guys are ( or in the very least - were ) raised to be extremely polite to women. Don't expect him to tell you that the age difference bothers him even if he feels so.

I know he SAYS my age doesn't bother him. But I sometimes wonder if he's too young to know what he really wants, and it will suddenly hit him one day and he'll change his mind.

Always a possibility when dating younger people.

I also wonder if his family wouldn't be happy about our age difference.
In general, do Poles look down on relationships where the woman is older than the man?

Crux of the matter.

My experiences show that Poles apply a double standard to males and females in that regard. That goes double in this case, because you're: a) female, b) older c) foreign.

Now, if a Polish girl who is, shall we say, 22, hits up London and 8 months down the road ends up living with a 35-year-old local guy in his flat he has a fair chance of being rather well accepted by this girl's family. Reasons:

1) Older guy, younger girl still seems to be more acceptable in Poland,

2) If the guy contributed to her living expenses while she was abroad that's usually seen as a huge plus by the girl's family,

3) Her mom is very likely to consider a foreigner a "good catch".

Looking at your case:

1) Older girl, younger guy - not as acceptable in Poland as the other way around.

2) You'll be foreign and a lot of Polish moms for some reason are really strict on their male children when it comes to dating and marrying only Polish women ( that's not applied to female children ).

3) To be quite frank - with what I just wrote above in a situation where you're both foreign and older his mom might actually think you're a waste of his time.

So I think it might be an uphill battle and if you want to continue down that road at least prepare accordingly.
beckski 12 | 1,612
2 Aug 2011 #10
I also wonder if his family wouldn't be happy about our age difference

If they have a prob with the age difference, too bad so sad. Eight years difference is nothing. When you're 100 he'll only be 92, lol! I once dated a guy 17 years older and no one seemed to judge him for us dating. The double standard is funny though. Women are considered cougars, when it's the opposite dating situation.
southern 74 | 7,074
2 Aug 2011 #11
I think that polish guys losing young polish women to foreign men are more likely to date older western women not so wanted in their homeland.It is simple economics a degradation of polish genes which are way more attractive than their economic condition allows.
Natasa 1 | 578
2 Aug 2011 #12
Southern, younger man with older woman is a win win option. She wants, he can ;)
At least, I heard so about these horrible stories :))))
hubabuba - | 113
2 Aug 2011 #13
my mother is older than my dad(6years), I have never heard anyone compalining about it
OP canadian_girl 1 | 6
4 Aug 2011 #14
Thanks for all the insight.

Don't worry, I don't live in a fantasy world and I know we have to meet first before thoughts of spending a future together can be seriously taken into consideration. I just wanted to get some opinions on the matter.

If our feelings don't change after meeting and become even stronger, I won't care what others think because my happiness comes before pleasing others. But of course it would be preferable if his family was accepting of it. Only time will tell ;)
pip 10 | 1,658
4 Aug 2011 #15
I am also Canadian and my husband is Polish. I am 3 and a half years older. In my experience you will battle the mother in law no matter what your age. I did. Right from the beginning, if this thing goes further, your guy will need to set the ground rules. no interference, no opinions, no advice.

My husband didn't do this and for 10 long years I had to deal with my mother in laws pathetic behaviour. And then I had enough and exploded. My husband was afraid of hurting his mothers feelings and this is why he never said anything. Now, because he has to deal with me, he sets the rules.

But you have to understand something- mothers in law in Poland are the worst- it is a bad cycle that gets passed down from generation to generation.
emha - | 92
4 Aug 2011 #16
mothers in law in Poland are the worst


Strange generalization.

Your mother in law brought up your husband ... Maybe she is not so bad.
pip 10 | 1,658
4 Aug 2011 #17
Your mother in law brought up your husband ... Maybe she is not so bad.

not anymore. It took a long time for her to realize he was an adult and could make his own decisions. And then once we had kids....well of course, she knew everything. She just needed to be reminded that she didn't like it when her mother or mother in law did the same things to her......then alll was good.
VicPhilly - | 14
4 Aug 2011 #18
It all depends on the people and their upbringing. You find rednecks everywhere. In this matter, Poland is just like Canada. If you are lucky you will be well accepted and welcomed in his family. If you have a bad luck, they wont like you. He can be worried about your family too. They might hate him for being a foreigner. As far as I am concerned, if he says he doesn't mind your age, this is his true opinion. I had similar situation with a girl from Ireland. In my case, age did matter and I told her that. She was 10 years older. I am 32 now and married to 2 years younger american girl. Our families get along with eachother very well, and I love my in-laws. My parents love my wife.

Best Regars,

Krakowianka 1 | 243
4 Aug 2011 #19
Oh Canadian Girl, despite not thinking it is a fantasy, it practically is. How do I know, your story is dejavu for me!

I met a guy online, totally by chance, didnt think nothing of it. We didnt exchange any "personal" info for many many months, we just liked chatting with each other. Finally one day, he wasn't online, I freaked. I had no idea why I was freaking out, I guess I realized I really like him, the stuff we had in common, how we felt about politics/music, etc. I got him back a few months later, and we exchanged pics, email, started skypeing, etc. He was 7yrs younger (I was 27 at the time). Based on our conversations, I thought he was a few years older, so mature, established, etc. Ya, whatever! I heard what I *wanted* to hear, it happens when feelings are involved, its simple human nature.

Fast forward, I went to Poland to meet him (I'm from the US, but polish family) we fell in love, a year later after a fiance visa, he was in the states and we married. Then all of the sudden, all the maturity evaporated. I felt like I was his mother. I understand, new country, new language, I was prepared for an adjustment period. He learned English very quickly, I found him a great paying job, soon he was able to get a car, seemed like financially he was a million times better off than PL. Money is not happiness. He relied on me for everything, for calling everywhere, going everywhere with him (despite knowing English well). Where did the maturity & being established go? I felt like I was a nanny/mother, telling him what he could/couldnt do (not being bossy, just rules/etiquitte in US). His family loves me, my family loves him, however the age gap is apparent in our daily lives, and its annoying and tiring to be quite honest. I think we are in a loveless relationship, strictly due to the effects of the age difference. I see how he acts, and think "I'd be cool with this if I were his age, now I expect something else"

Long distance love is hard, you dont get to hang out like you would dating, you dont get to experience each other in a normal setting. Meeting/falling in love and spending short vacation time together is simply not enough to get to know someone. If you do decide to pursue this seriously, please do not have your heart on your sleave.
OP canadian_girl 1 | 6
4 Aug 2011 #20
Krakowianka, I really appreciate your advice and experience with this.

But your is your husband's dependency on you really due to his age? I think that is more dependent on personality. My father is 6 years older than my mother, but trust me, he wouldn't be able to exist without her. He depends on her for everything!

I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you.
NomadatNet 1 | 457
4 Aug 2011 #21
Naturally, we've fallen in love

Are you serious about this?
OP canadian_girl 1 | 6
4 Aug 2011 #22
Why would I make that part up?

You've probably never had a similar experience, so you're closed-minded to the possibility of it happening. But believe me, it does happen.

Anyway, I was looking for any helpful insight, not your judgement. If you don't have anything to add that even remotely answers my question, please move on.
NomadatNet 1 | 457
5 Aug 2011 #23
I didn't do any judgement. Asked just a question.

You said "we've fallen in love."
Ok, then, why are you here to ask other people?
If you said "i've fallen in love", i could say somethings.
When you say "we've fallen in love", then, there is nothing to say.
Jaroslav - | 6
20 Aug 2011 #24
My Girlfriend (soon Wife) is 9 years older than me
TheMan - | 56
21 Aug 2011 #25
Congratulations, How soon?
brother4u - | 7
24 Aug 2011 #26
well it doesn't really matter the nationality in this case. I think it's more about how mature the guy is, how comfortable he is with you being this older. 8years my dear is quite a gap and you not taking it in consideration would look like a dreamer. The age is not the problem neither, we have seen even here in England, the case of Diraeli, former British prime minister,who married a woman 12years older than him and they were happy. But in your case the guy is not in himself at mature age but what you should look at is more his strenghts, his weaknesses and his ability and his motivation to adapt to changes. It sound a bit complaicated but you should be the one have feet on the ground and be realistic. because the chances are being that older you could fade quicker than him as the years go if you are really up for 'happiness' move one step at the time.

wish you well
kaytz - | 11
17 Sep 2011 #27
I have never come across any guy that had problems with me being older then them...does not matter the country they are from...I only date younger because that is who I connect with better...

Not that I would have passed up older...just that the instant understanding connection has been there with the late 20's guys...also maybe has to do with my mindframe being that of the younger feeling...

I don't one believes my age anyway...

Incidentally my Polish guy is 26 and I am 37 hehe...perfect connection to date :-D Love my man :-)
pawian 223 | 24,583
17 Sep 2011 #28
=canadian_girl]How do Polish guys feel about having an older girlfriend/wife?

Hmm, if I am 25, and she is 50, how should I feel?

Normal, of course.

Silly question.
Chrysalis 5 | 30
20 Sep 2011 #29
Hi there Canadian Girl, I apologize in advance for the long post I'm about to write. To put my conclusion at the top: I suggest caution, and would not get too involved with him if I were you. Being his girlfriend is fine, but it would be unwise to expect a life commitment from him. Caveat: I'm not Polish. So maybe my opinion does not matter.

When I was his age and younger, I had older girlfriends, including one close to your age. For me, I got a thrill of being the boy toy and getting experience with older women who taught me how to be an excellent lover. I remember thinking to myself, wow. She isn't a girl, she is a WOMAN. Wow! =) But I always knew that I was a toy to them, and they knew the same thing.

An older partner with a younger partner is going to have to be OK with a certain amount of frivolity and immaturity, and when the man is older usually this is endearing to him because it underlines her youth. If the male is the younger one, though, it probably won't 'feel right' because, as Krakowianka describes, problems can arise if the man just isn't old enough yet to act maturely. I think this is because society expects men to be responsible and dominant, which requires real maturity. Meanwhile the relationship is being cemented, with expectations and power dynamic being solidified with a male whose brain has not yet finished developing. This why IMO nobody, male or female, should make a long-term commitment to someone who is not at least 24 years old. They just aren't fully themselves yet and usually aren't able to know what they really want out of life.

Let's play this out a bit further. In 8 years, he will be 30 and you'll be 38. Something men need to understand, but often don't, is that once a man hits 30 he usually becomes a lot more attractive to women. Whereas women become less attractive to men because of their declining looks and fertility. I don't mean this to insult you but rather to try and warn you. It's possible that you and this man could create an amazing love that will withstand the test of time, and only you/he can be the judge of that. My experience, though, suggests there's more than a small chance that he'll want to try again with someone younger, now that he'll have had, by then, some real experience in a long-term relationship. And there will no doubt be younger women out there who will want him. I say this because I've been in his shoes before.

Why is this dynamic I describe accurate? Canadian Girl, I'm not suggesting you don't know and I certainly do not wish to insult you or make any negative comment about you or your situation. Instead I'd like to explain it a bit for the benefit of all readers, especially the younger ones.

Something many women don't understand is that when they're in their 30s they often want men their own age, but they don't quite recognize just how serious an impact her age has on the decline in her looks/sexual market value. Men, on the other hand, are wired biologically to assess how many years of fertility she has left and make major life decisions based on that number. Back to the woman: the change in her was gradual, and if she's attractive she probably got used to all the interest and attention from men. Eventually she will be in for a shock, where she has to realize that she doesn't have quite the sexual market value (SMV) she had back when she was in her 20s. Even if a woman wasn't slutty in her 20s, if she was attractive she had the choice and the SMV to enforce it.

I don't want to be too harsh on women here, but because of their enormous SMV while in the 20s, they stand to lose a lot more than a man does come the 30s and beyond. But for men it is the opposite. Compare this to the typical man, who finds it hard for women to take him seriously in his 20s because he's too young: hasn't established himself, hasn't matured, and isn't ready to settle down -- unless he's in a strict religious community and is therefore willing to marry as a young man so that he can have sex. If the man is unusual in that he becomes highly successful in his 20s -- and stays that way -- well, that can be a different situation but once again such a man will have many options and it would not be in his interest to sign them away too early.

If a woman really wants a man her own age, she should lock him down while both partners are in their 20s. This represents a sacrifice on both sides: the woman is giving up the freedom/power of enjoying every last moment of her peak SMV (her 20s), whereas the man is giving up the freedom/power of enjoying his peak SMV (his 30s).

Since you are 30 now, if you just want a boyfriend, then enjoy this sweet young boy-man and don't worry about it. Build up some good memories you can enjoy for decades to come. If you think you might want a life commitment from him, though, I strongly advise that you protect your heart, and your SMV, and look elsewhere. Specifically, a man in the 35-45 age range. For a man, a younger woman is a sign of social status, and if his woman is older it is actually a negative hit to his social status unless she is conspicuously wealthy (i.e. he is 'marrying up'). Yes, he'd be older than you, but he would also be more established, mature, and reliable. You'll always be younger than him and he'll always take pride in that.

All the best and good luck!
beckski 12 | 1,612
20 Sep 2011 #30
I once had a Polish boyfriend who is 9 years my junior. Our age difference is no big deal. We both look the same age too!

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