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My Polish Girlfriend Broke Up With Me Very Suddenly, Did She Use Me?


LifeGoesOn
8 Dec 2016  #1
Hi guys,

Before I even start I would like to apologise at how long this post is. I felt like I had to provide some detail and I digress a bit too much and in all honesty, I just wanted to write it all out.

So, a bit of back story before we start. I'm 21 years old, originally Colombian but pretty much raised in England and my ex who is also 21 is from Poland. She left Poland in July 2016 to come and work in England over the summer and her plan was to return permanently back to Poland around the end of August. When she came to England she was still in a relationship and her boyfriend was back in Poland but I guess she started losing feelings for him, because of the way he was with her, before she even came to England. They broke up very amicably after she told him that she had decided to permanently stay in England. As in she would return to Poland after the summer was over to tie up some loose ends and then she would come back to England. They broke up around the 25th of July and her and I started to properly talk to each other on the 23rd of July. She even told her boyfriend that a Colombian friend at work dropped her home in his car lol.

When I first met her, I was immediately attracted towards her as the way she looked was very much my type. The more I got to know her the more I realised that all our interests matched and we were very similar as a person. We started speaking a bit at work and added each other on Facebook where we would talk to each other constantly after work. It started off friendly but the flirtatious behaviour started developing very fast. I would drop her home sometimes and we would sit in my car talking for around 1 hour after reaching her house. Soon enough I found out that she liked me through a mutual friend at work and I made my move. Within a week of properly talking to one another, we had our first date, and a week and 3 days after that, we were officially together. So just to clear everything up so far, we had our first date about 5 days after her and her boyfriend at the time and broke up.

She told her parents about me straight away and she was rather angry about the fact that I hadn't mentioned anything to my parents yet but I was just assessing her seriousness towards our relationship and my guard was fully up as I was afraid of getting hurt.

She told me that her parents were very much looking forward to meeting me in the near future as I'm the only non-Polish boyfriend she's ever had. She was learning some Spanish for me and I was learning some polish for her, mind you I already knew most of the swear words as I grew up in a pretty Polish heavy area!

She was the first one to say "I'm falling for you" (around 2 weeks after officially being together) and kept saying that she had never loved a guy as much as she loves me and this is when I decided to become vulnerable to her and let my guard down which in hindsight, was a mistake.

By the way, she was my first proper relationship. I had one before when I was younger but not like this. I lost my virginity to her. I, however, was her 8th which can explain why I became more attached to her than she did to me. She talked about marrying me and all that and honestly, I was happy to hear how serious she was about me. Most guys would run for the hills when the girl mentions marriage so early on but I was happy to hear it.

The time came for her to return back to Poland and we decided that when she returns, she will stay with me in my house at university (I'm a third year student) and we will find her a decent job for the time being and also a room as we both said that moving in together so fast is not a wise decision. I said I was happy to live with her but she said that she needed the space which I understood. We planned to rent a studio apartment together as soon as my tenancy for my current house ends on August 2017.

So, she goes to Poland and everything is going okay but as time goes on she becomes colder and colder. When she first got there, she would want to skype and talk on the phone but as time went on she stopped wanting to do any of those things. She made up excuses as to why she couldn't call me (saying how her WiFi is terrible and so on). Then a week or so before returning to England she just seemed completely off and sad which is perfectly understandable because she was leaving everything that she is accustomed to, all her friends and family to start a new life with a guy that she's known for 2 months. I tried convincing her that if her heart is in Poland then she should just stay there as I was sure that we loved each other enough to handle long distance for a couple of years. She was having none of it, she said that if she stayed in Poland then we would definitely break up as she "can't handle long distance relationships" and that she needs her boyfriend next to her, not in a different country. She said that she's tried long distance before and it didn't work out and she doesn't want to try it again. Hearing that hurt me as I realised that she was ready to give up on the first hurdle that approached us. Just because long distance didn't work for her before with a different guy doesn't mean that it wouldn't work with me. She said that it's her decision to move to England and that she doesn't want us to risk our future as she sees me as a person she could potentially marry and have a family with. Needless to say, I was very happy when she said that (the marry part) and I supported her decision to move to England for me.

She comes to England around mid-October, I go to the airport and pick her up and when I saw her after 1.5 months away from each other, I was just completely overwhelmed with emotions. We drove back to my house and for the first couple of weeks, everything was great. She was very affectionate and so was I and everything was blissful. I learnt more Polish for her and she learnt some more Spanish, we would cook for each other, clean and I guess it was like a honeymoon (that's because our relationship was still in the honeymoon stage). I would go to my classes but I would be free for most of the day and I had 2 weekdays off as well as the weekends so we would spend a lot of time together. Going around the area, exploring new towns, watching stuff together and so on. I treated her like a queen and I did everything I could for her.

After she's been in the house with me for a month (I would go to my parents' house for the weekend sometimes just to give her some space), she started picking faults in every small thing that I did. She started getting really annoyed at tiny things and I always apologised as I was so afraid of getting into an argument and losing her. I let her pretty much disrespect me (I don't know if she meant to or not) and I didn't really stand my ground. I always backed down as I realised that she left Poland for me and I shouldn't argue back over something so small. Very stupid, I know. She started getting quite cold and distant but there used to be days where she would randomly say "I love you" to me like 20 times before sleeping.

Around the last 10 days of November she started her new job which was a 10-minute walk from where we lived and this is when she became completely unaffectionate. She told me that she was having difficulties making friends at work and since she is a very pretty girl, she was getting a lot of attention from the opposite sex. Up to 5 wolf whistles a day apparently (she worked in a warehouse with a lot of other Eastern Europeans). I tried to make her feel better by explaining to her that she has only been working there for a couple of days and in time she will make plenty of new friends. She did start talking to this one polish guy who was around 2 years older than us and she was saying good things about him. They would sit together during lunch and break and she would message him after work right in front of me. That is exactly how things developed between me and her in the summer. I felt a bit jealous but most of her friends back in Poland were males and she grew up with male friends so I didn't think of much of it.

I would send her a random "I love you text" whilst she's on break just to brighten up her day and she would just reply with something completely off topic and honestly her coldness was just becoming too much to bear. I am an emotional guy and I will say that with pride. I think its a great attribute even though my ex did say at one point "you're worse than a woman". Whether she meant that as a joke, I do not know. If I love someone then I will make sure that person knows it, whether it's by saying "I love you" to them or by simply hugging, kissing and holding them on a daily basis. Now my ex wasn't much for touching or kissing which was as you can imagine, very weird for me to hear. When I first got with her in the summer she seemed so affectionate, even after she came back she was so affectionate, and now all of a sudden, she tells me that she dislikes all this? Yeah something smells fishy. Whether she was no longer the person I fell in love with or whether she lost attraction towards me, it is hard to say.

On Wednesday, I spent 18 hours in my University Library trying to finish my coursework and I didn't see her until Thursday afternoon as she was at work when I returned home. She said to me through text that the fact that I spent so long in the library was "weird" and she said that she had a "weird feeling about me". As you can imagine, I was very much shocked. So, she comes home after work and I make her food and she eats and later I confronted her about her being unaffectionate and she took it really well. She apologised and she said that she will try harder which was great.

Now Friday, the day of the break up. It was her day off and I returned from university and she had made a cake for me. She went upstairs and I ate a couple of slices making sure to leave enough for my flatmates. I go upstairs to be with her and she was very touchy and hugging me and it felt like everything had returned to normal. Little did I know, that day and the next couple of days would be anything but. I told her I ate a couple of slices and she got quite angry and she said "I wanted to take some of the cake to work and give it to people so I can make friends". After I heard that I apologised saying that I had no idea that she was planning to take that cake to work and had I known I would've eaten half a slice. I apologised sincerely and she was just sitting in the corner staring at her laptop. This is when I decided that I couldn't take it anymore, I was tired of letting her walk all over me all the time. I confronted her saying that I don't understand why she is getting so angry over something so small, she replied saying that she wasn't angry (she looked like she wanted nothing to do with me) and that the more I talk about it the angrier I would make her. She's the type of person who needs space when they're angry (which was exactly the opposite of what she told me in the summer) so I decided to just go to one of my housemate's room and talk to them about the issues whilst giving her a chance to cool down. I show him everything, how she responds to my messages and how she has been treating me and he got furious at me. He was furious at the fact that I let her treat me like she did and he actually said that he deeply respects my patience because if he was in my shoes, he would have kicked her out the house long ago. I tell him everything (everything that I've mentioned here is not even half the story) and we conclude that I should just talk to her and try to make it work as she moved countries for me.

I go upstairs and she is very upset, I lie on the bed next to her and put my arm around her and after 1 minute she pushes me off. I ask her what's wrong and she says that she lost a good friend (the friend said that he had feelings for her...again) and that she doesn't want to tell me anything more. As always, I respect her decision not to tell me anything. I go back to my friend's room as she was upset and she looked like she would prefer to be left by herself and I come back upstairs half an hour later. When I come back to the room, after 10 minutes she says that she doesn't see a future in England and she wants to return to Poland by August 2017 if not sooner. So naturally we get to talking and I'm visibly upset as I know what's coming and after talking we realised that there are 3 options:

1 - We stay together and see how things go and hope her mind about Poland changes. I suggested this and she immediately rejected it as she said that nothing can change her mind about Poland.

2- We stay together until she has to go back and then we break up. This is stupid because if we know that we have to break up eventually, we would just stop trying to fix any future disagreements and she would get even colder.

3- We break up now.

Needless to say, she chose the third option and I guess I helped her choose that but immediately after doing so, I started to convince her to change her mind. I fully cried in front of her and she hugged me as she felt pity for me. She said that she's not an affectionate person (which is the complete opposite of what she showed me in the summer) and that she can't change for me. I didn't ask her to change, I simply asked her to show some feelings and not be so distant. She said that she tried and she can't do it. This really ****** me off because she told me that she will show more affection when I confronted her on Thursday but one day later on Friday she says that she can't?

She got up saying that she will pack her things and leave this instant (which may have been a bluff as she knows me very well and she knew what I would reply with). I said no, I said that she would continue staying with me until we find her decent accommodation and when I said that she hugged me. My flatmates were telling me to kick her out and tell her to check into a hotel but obviously the didn't love her like I did.

We go to bed and she comes, hugs me, and she puts her head on my chest and she places her legs above mine and before falling asleep, she kisses my neck several times, again this was out of pity. She told me many times from the first time I met her that I'm a good guy who's very selfless and wouldn't hurt a soul and she's never met anyone like me. I guess she felt a bit bad for dumping me. Next day (Saturday) I drive her to a house so she can check out a room for rent (which she found online) and then I take her shopping where she bought all the things she needs to move into her new room and we went to bed together. We watched a movie and she laughed like she normally does at my anecdotes and my flatmates who always hear the 2 of us laughing ever since she came back to England wondered if we had gotten back together. I told her that I was looking forward to meeting her parents (who actually invited me to go on holiday with them in the Summer of 2017) and how it was sad that now I would never get the chance to meet them. She said that she was looking forward to meeting mine as well but I had previously told her that my mother would only agree to meet her if we were engaged. I remember one day that she told her father how my mother would only agree to meet her after we were engaged and her father told her to tell me to hurry up and propose to her.

Carrying on with the story... On Sunday, we packed all her things into my car and I helped her move in to her new house (which is a 4-minute drive from mine). She hugged me goodbye and I said "I'm not saying goodbye because to me this isn't goodbye. I still have hope. Even though we are broken up, if there is anything that you need then just let me know". As I said all this she kissed me on my neck and after finishing my desperate speech I kissed her on the cheek and turned around the other way so that I wouldn't have to look at her face. I fast walked out of that house with streams of tears pouring out of my eyes and I pretty much cried like a little baby on the drive back to my house. Since breaking up on Friday, I tried to get her to change her mind because I was so hopelessly in love with her. I had been crying since Friday (not always in front of her but she could see that I was very upset) and she didn't even let out a tear. She cried over the fact that she lost a friend again (the one who said he had feelings for her...again) but she didn't let out a single tear when breaking up with me. It's the fact that it was so unexpected, the break up just came out of thin air, totally out of the blue and it just shocked me to my core. I absolutely was not prepared.

Luckily my flatmates were there for me and they told me that I was in a toxic relationship and it's good that it ended otherwise I would've been even more hurt later down the line. I joked with him (my flatmate) a day later saying that we got back together and he looked at me like he was going to punch me and he actually said that if I ever get back with her, he would stop talking to me because he saw what she was doing to me. I took all my advice from him because he had been in a stable relationship for 2 years and he's also seen how I used to be before she came and how I was after she came.

As time slowly passed by I came to the conclusion that the only thing I can do to get over her is to simply hate her. I opened my mind to other reasons as to why she treated me like she did and why she broke up with me. Maybe she used me? I mean if you follow the timeline it seems quite possible. Until she finds a job she's living with me and everything is going good, when she finally finds a job and a room she doesn't see the need to keep me around anymore and therefore she breaks up with me.

Remember how her and her ex broke up on the 25th of July, around 3 days after meeting me? Well she broke up with me on the 25th of November, around 4 days after meeting this other guy at her new work. Maybe she done to me what she did to her ex? It certainly wouldn't be out of character and it follows her pattern of finding a new guy who intrigues her romantically and that causes her to break things off with her current boyfriend. She gets plenty of attention from the males so it wouldn't be very difficult for her to get into a relationship at all.

I have not been in contact with her since I last saw her. I deleted her off Facebook, deleted all of our photos and I threw away everything that reminded me of her.

The thing is, even after all this, I still love her and if she were to come to me saying that she wanted another chance, I'm 80% sure that I would say yes, much to the misery of my flatmates. What do you guys think, did she use me? Did she play with my emotions and completely walked all over me?

I loved her more than I could ever imagine loving a girl and I thought she was the one. I just feel used and betrayed and the fact that she was my first proper love makes it all the worse. What has happened hasn't put me off girls in general but I think in any of my future relationships, I will certainly keep my guard up for a longer period of time. I wouldn't wish the feeling that I felt even on my worst enemy.

Once again sorry for the long post, I just felt the need to sit in front of my laptop and type away. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Dziękuję
DominicB - | 2,677
8 Dec 2016  #2
@LifeGoesOn

There are plenty of fish in the sea, and this one isn't going to end up on the floorboards of your boat, so move on and find someone else. Or not and just concentrate on school. I don't think you're ready for a serious relationship yet. You have a lot of silly romantic ideas that you'll have to get rid of before you are. Which is normal because you're still a kid. Practice by playing the field for a few years and leaning the rules. But mostly, concentrate on your studies. Having to pull an 18 hour marathon to catch up with your school work is a bad sign that you are preoccupied with non-essential matters.
johnny reb 17 | 3,893
8 Dec 2016  #3
There are plenty of fish in the sea

Yes Sir and when I was 21 years old I found the "Catch and Release" program promoted variety as the spice of life.
So little time and so many fish.
Wulkan - | 3,251
8 Dec 2016  #4
Did She Use Me?

I guess I'd have to read your whole essay to know that, did she take any money of you?
terri 1 | 1,624
8 Dec 2016  #5
To my way of thinking. She wanted to see what you have to offer - when she found out that nothing very much,she regretted it. There is absolutely no future in this relationship and never will be. It would be different if you were Donald Trump and could offer her security without a pre-nub agreement. .
Atch 17 | 2,893
8 Dec 2016  #6
I have not been in contact with her since I last saw her. I deleted her off Facebook, deleted all of our photos and I threw away everything that reminded me of her.

Keep it that way! Just skimming through your story you both sound a bit immature though you seem to be a sweet natured person and that 's lovely. Don't let this experience change you. I don't think she was using you in any major pre-meditated way. She just liked you for a while and then started to go off you. If she's very pretty and has had numerous sexual partners as you say, then she probably got bored with you after the initial attraction wore off. Though, yes she probably did suit herself and work around her own convenience in staying with you until she was sorted with somewhere else to go. Just to warn you, you may experience this kind of thing again a few times in your life before you meet 'the one'.

Also just to warn you, there is a possibility that she may come trotting back to you at some point because things aren't going as she planned and then she WILL be prepared to use you for as long as it suits her. So whatever you do, don't get sucked into that situation. You sound like a warm hearted, affectionate person and she will exploit that. There are lots of men and women who maintain on-again off-again relationships at their whim with gentle soft-hearted people ,so put her out of your head and your heart. By the way I'm female so that's one woman's point of view for you :)
Crow 137 | 7,648
8 Dec 2016  #7
Forget it. Just continue.
kaz200972 2 | 229
9 Dec 2016  #8
But mostly, concentrate on your studies. Having to pull an 18 hour marathon to catch up with your school work is a bad sign that you are preoccupied with non-essential matters.

Good advice, heed it! No man or woman is worth mucking up your education for.

Also just to warn you, there is a possibility that she may come trotting back to you at some point because things aren't going as she planned and then she WILL be prepared to use you for as long as it suits her.

Again good advice. I've seen this sort of thing happen loads of times before, there are men and women who will keep ex's on hold so that they can use them practically and financially when it suits.

It won't feel like it now but you'll be happy again and fall in love again. Take care and best wishes.
After2020
10 Dec 2016  #9
LGO, at least you popped your cherry so something positive came out of it. If she is loose at the hips you may want to get checked out for STD's... You are both 21 year olds and have plenty more living to do, another point from your account she was the seasoned veteran in the sack, so unless you are a quick learner on picking up the copulation knowledge, you are always going to be compared to the other seven... I don't beleive its of any significance that she is Polish, her actions are not indicators of cultural relationship norms in Poland. If anything she sounds like she is a serial dater and would probably make a great mistress, but an awful wife.
OP LifeGoesOn
12 Dec 2016  #10
DominicB - But mostly, concentrate on your studies

I was actually doing well on my degree and I was submitting all my assignments on time. I had to pull an 18 hour marathon in the Library with my friends because there was a last minute flaw in our design (we are engineering students) and the parts hit each other during the simulation! Little did I know it actually didn't matter if that happened as we weren't getting marked on that!

DominicB - I don't think you're ready for a serious relationship yet. You have a lot of silly romantic ideas that you'll have to get rid of before you are.

Could you tell me what those are please? You are very much correct and since that was my first proper relationship, I may have had silly relationship ideas but the problem is that I just don't know what they are. Thank you for replying :)

Wulkan - I guess I'd have to read your whole essay to know that, did she take any money of you?

Not really, in terms of food we split the price in half. That being said I let her stay with me rent and bill free but I don't think that counts. Thank you for replying :)

terri - To my way of thinking. She wanted to see what you have to offer - when she found out that nothing very much,she regretted it.

Before we got "serious" back in August she knew full well that I was at university and at this moment in my life, everything just revolved around my studies and other activities. Even whilst she was in Poland I warned her by saying that I probably won't have as much time with her as she would like and I pretty much asked her to re think her decision about moving here over and over again. She knew I didn't have anything materialistic to offer, just my heart. What on earth could she have been expecting? Thank you very much for your reply :)

Atch - There is a possibility that she may come trotting back to you at some point because things aren't going as she planned and then she WILL be prepared to use you for as long as it suits her.

The worse thing is if she comes back, I will most likely get with her but this time I will not let myself get attached to her as I don't trust her anymore and I could never trust her again. There is more to the story about how I found out she was pretty much emotionally cheating on me before she came back to England but I won't reveal that story. As I wrote this I just realised how stupid I sound by saying I would get back with her even when I know that I will never be able to trust her again. It's just so conflicting, you know? I love her, and I will for a long while to come but letting go is just so damn difficult. And even if I say that I won't let this experience change me, I'm afraid the damage has been done. I will never lower my guard so early on in the relationship, it's the fear of getting hurt like this that's changed me. I will treat my next girlfriend like a queen, just like I treated her, as I'm the type of person that goes above and beyond for the one I love but I will never let a woman treat me like that ever again. I lost a lot of self-respect in that relationship and I won't be a spineless pushover ever again. Thank you very much for your reply Atch, I very much appreciate your kind words :)

Crow - Forget it. Just continue.

I shall try my best, thank you for your reply.

kaz200972 - It won't feel like it now but you'll be happy again and fall in love again. Take care and best wishes.

I very much hope so, thank you for your reply. Take care :)

After2020 - She was the seasoned veteran in the sack, so unless you are a quick learner on picking up the copulation knowledge, you are always going to be compared to the other seven...

Yes haha, the fact that I got to lose my virginity to the girl I loved (whether she truly loved me or not, only she knows) is a plus. I got checked for Chlamydia and HIV and the results came back negative but I did have sex with her once more after getting it checked. That was all before the break up by the way. I would like to think I'm a quick learner but I never really got to practise that much so yeah haha... Not having that much practise meant that I didn't last long at all but I tried to make up for it by using my fingers and mouth (TMI, I know, I'm sorry). Let's hope that the majority of Polish women are loving and not like my ex as I'm very much attracted towards them.
Atch 17 | 2,893
12 Dec 2016  #11
I will never let a woman treat me like that ever again

I will most likely get with her but this time I will not let myself get attached to her

Do you see the contradiction there? You are still attached to her. But even if we pretend for a moment that you're not, you'll fall right back under her spell and be back to square one within a couple of days. You're just too young and starry eyed to avoid that. You're kidding yourself that you can be cool headed and cynical and hold something of yourself back. Of course relationships don't have to be like that. It is possible to be a romantic and loving person without getting walked all over but it'll take you a few years to work out how to do that and certainly you can't do it with this girl. If you let her back into your life she will continue to treat you the way she did before, it will end the same way and you'll feel more of a fool and more bitter than ever.

the girl I loved

You didn't love her. Raging hormones gave you the impression that you did. When you're very sexually attracted to somebody it allows you to create a picture of them in your head as not just desirable but wonderful in every way. You see them as a wonderful person. That's why the shock is so terrible when they behave like the monster they actually are :D Ah well, she's not a monster. She's probably just a bit shallow, selfish and maybe somewhat calculating.

She knew I didn't have anything materialistic to offer, just my heart. What on earth could she have been expecting?

Expecting that when you finish your engineering degree (which is considered a prestigious qualification in Poland, Panie Inżynier) that you would have the potential to earn a very good salary.

I spent so long in the library was "weird"

I don't mean to sound snotty but she was working in a warehouse is that so? What's her educational level? I think Dominic B will be with me on this one, that generally people who are not academic, don't partner well with people who are. They can't understand the committment and work needed to complete a degree and they're impatient with it. And later on if you're pursuing a demanding technical profession there would be no understanding on her side of what that entails.
OP LifeGoesOn
13 Dec 2016  #12
Atch - It is possible to be a romantic and loving person without getting walked all over but it'll take you a few years to work out how to do that and certainly you can't do it with this girl.

Ah that totally sucks! I guess I just have to meet the right person, but god knows when that will be. But yeah, my friends and flatmates tell me the exact same thing you're telling me. Even if we get back together, soon enough things will get back to the way they were when we broke up and I will be left feeling even worse. It really isn't worth the risk. Not to mention the fact that she had around 3 guys wrapped around her finger so she has most definitely moved on to the next guy. This is going to sound very stupid and ignorant but from what I've seen, it's always the pretty girls who end up walking all over you. Why is that?

You see them as a wonderful person. That's why the shock is so terrible when they behave like the monster they actually are :D Ah well, she's not a monster. She's probably just a bit shallow, selfish and maybe somewhat calculating.

That sounds about correct, I was very much infatuated with her and I guess that made me blind to what was obvious all along. As you very rightly said, maybe that's why I was so shocked when she started behaving like she did. I painted a picture of her to be this perfect being, which she was during the summer, but I guess she acted that way just to impress me.

Expecting that when you finish your engineering degree (which is considered a prestigious qualification in Poland, Panie Inżynier) that you would have the potential to earn a very good salary.

It's very interesting you say this because as we were in the process of breaking up due to her "heart being in Poland" and how she "doesn't see a future in England", I didn't realise that by saying this, what she was trying to get across is that she saw no future with me. England is fine, it's me that's the problem. I took what she said very literally and I said that if England was the problem then as soon as my degree is over, I could move to Poland with her. That should show you how head over heels I was for this girl because I love my family more than anything in the world and I was willing to move so far away from them just for a girl. When I mentioned that she said that there are a lot of unemployed Engineers in Poland and how my degree will be worthless there. An Engineering degree from a reputable English engineering university is useless? I was thinking that she was lying out of her arse but of course I didn't say anything. A couple of weeks before the break up she was telling me about one of her friend who does architecture at a Polish University and I replied saying that the job prospects aren't so good for architecture students at the moment, especially in Poland (I may have been wrong) and she completely shut me down saying that there will always be work for architects. If that's the case then there will always be jobs available for Engineers as we are the ones that actually make the architects design work mathematically and physically and make it come to life. That should be further proof to me that her excuse for dumping me was utter rubbish.

I don't mean to sound snotty but she was working in a warehouse is that so? What's her educational level?

Yes she was. She graduated Technical School in Poland with pretty good grades and that's her highest qualification. I think she wanted to become a beautician/dietitian/personal trainer. She said that when she returns to Poland, she will study to become one of those.

I have realised that if I was still with her, I would not be staying in the university library till 3 in the morning studying for my exams. I would stop myself from studying too much because I would like to spend time with her, but now I've got nothing to do so I can revise for as long as necessary. For my academic future, there is no doubt that her dumping me was for the best. It feels as though someone or something is keeping an eye out for me.

Atch, I can't thank you enough for taking the time out of your day to contribute to this thread. When I feel down, and that happens around once a day around 14:00, I come and read everything that you've said and it makes me feel so much better. Thank you ever so much, without these messages I would not be feeling as well as I feel now.
dolnoslask 5 | 2,455
13 Dec 2016  #13
I loved her more than I could ever imagine loving a girl and I thought she was the one

You are not alone.
When you say "thought", well there is you answer, but keep your chin up when the real deal turns up then wow!!!, you will find her.

Good luck with your studies.
Atch 17 | 2,893
14 Dec 2016  #14
always the pretty girls who end up walking all over you. Why is that?

Hi there LGO. We need a nickname for you - LifeGoesOn is just too long! How about Phoenix, you know, rises from the ashes, and you will :)

Anyway as to the question. There's a certain level of prettiness that results in that behaviour. Not stunningly beautiful, that can put guys off, they tend to think 'there's no way she'd be interested in me', so often the really gorgeous girls don't get that much attention. The girls who are just 'pretty' and seem approachable along with it get a lot of attention from guys. So they know how easily guys are seduced by their appearance and they feel they can get away with any behaviour because their looks are enough to keep the guy interested.

I saw a very interesting programme years ago where this 'pretty girl' syndrome was being discussed and one of the theories was attractive looking people, particularly women, don't need to develop their character as fully because their looks carry them a long way. So they tend to remain a bit childlike and self centred. Certainly when I was working in recruitment years ago, I was able to place attractive looking girls in jobs, that they really weren't well qualified for, because of their looks, especially if it involved working with clients or the public. I know because employers told me a few times that they'd chosen the candidate because of her good looks, dress sense etc. whereas some poor girl with a typing speed of 120 words a minute but legs like tree trunks or the slight suggestion of a moustache on her upper lip, got left in the slush pile!

she acted that way

Well she was probably happy at the time so she was being her best and sweetest self.

this perfect being, which she was during the summer

Now, now, stop that, she was never perfect. She just appeared to be.

my degree will be worthless there

Well that's not so. It would be more accurate to say that without fluent Polish, you would find it difficult to get a job in your field. The language is definitely a stumbling block. Although Polish companies are very keen to employ people with English, they really want Polish candidates with English as an extra. For the most part the language of communication is Polish and the English of Polish professionals varies. Many of them don't speak fluently though they can read and understand pretty well. So they're generally going to hold meetings etc in Polish and you would be way out of your depth. Now the only time you would be considered without reasonably good Polish, is if you were a very senior engineer with many years of industrial experience and had something to offer that they had been seeking and couldn't get from a local applicant.

there will always be work for architects

Of course she's absolutely wrong.

Now a final word of advice, before I go about my business for the day - Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat and 'My Lady' may be getting a bit bored with her current choice of boyfriend. This is the time of the year when tempers fray and it's well known that couples often break up over Christmas and New Year. It's also the time when we get all sentimental and warm and fuzzy and forgiving to those who've trespassed against us........... So, if she's in England, then it's quite possible that you may hear from her over the holidays. Enough said. I don't think I need to tell you what to do, or rather NOT do. But, I will anyway! Do not under any circumstances be tempted to meet up for a drink or anything like that, you know where it will lead. New Year festivities are a dangerous source of ' oh a new year, a new beginning, we can start again and make it work'. And by the end of January she's back with the last boyfriend or moved on to another one.

When I feel down

You will for a quite a while. It was your first love so it really hurts. Just take it a day at a time. And with each day that goes by, it becomes more and more in the past and you get stronger. Very few people end up spending the rest of their life with their first serious girlfriend/boyfriend, so you're not alone. It's just another rite of passage in life that most people have to go through. That's actually made more of a man of you than the sex part, that's just a form of aerobics really isn't it? :D Maybe that's why My Lady has had so many partners, if she wants to be a personal trainer she needs to stay fit!

Thank you ever so much

You're very welcome Phoenix - any time. Glad to be of some help. God Bless.
mafketis 20 | 7,348
14 Dec 2016  #15
There is no way I am going to read through all te OP's adolescent angst.... I'll just note.

Polish women often separate their emotions from their tactics. If a Polish woman decides the relationship doesn't fit her life goals she will end it rapidly and with surgical precision. How she feels is irrelevant. Foreign guys usually never see this coming (Polish guys know the signals more and are more likely to either see the breakup coming or try to prevent it by upping his commitment level).

First loves can be painful but ultimately there are too many fish in the sea to get too hung up over any one. Going forward, remember the good, learn what you can from the bad and stay frosty.
nothanks - | 640
14 Dec 2016  #16
Seems the cool little "exotic cultures" Honeymoon ended. Some women (usually involved in teaching/humanitarian aid) want to do the different cultures/customs/life styles dance for the rest of their lives. But the rest of us usually have our fun and then return to what is more comfortable. Poland, Colombia and England. Sounds like a headache.
terri 1 | 1,624
14 Dec 2016  #17
If a relationship is rocky from the beginning it will NEVER be o.k. Ever.
OP LifeGoesOn
20 Dec 2016  #18
dolnoslask
When you say "thought", well there is you answer, but keep your chin up when the real deal turns up then wow!!!, you will find her.

I read somewhere that you can never find love, you can search all the nooks and crannies but you will never find it. It will always find you. I guess I will just have to go about living my life to the fullest and put myself out there and when the real deal turns up, I will know. Funny thing is, I was not expecting to meet my ex this summer, I just did so I assumed that she was the real deal. Apparently not. Thanks dolnoslask, take care :)

Atch - How about Phoenix, you know, rises from the ashes, and you will

That's good with me, and yes, time heals all wounds and I will rise once again :)

Atch - I know because employers told me a few times that they'd chosen the candidate because of her good looks, dress sense etc.

It's terrible how the world works isn't it? I found my ex to be very very pretty and my flatmate explained to me that beauty is not something one, especially me, should be after. He said that the type of girl that would meet my needs and treat me well is a girl with a 'bubbly' personality as I'm like that when I'm my normal self. And he is absolutely right, it's a matter of meeting the right person and initiating things from there.

Atch - Well she was probably happy at the time so she was being her best and sweetest self. Now, now, stop that, she was never perfect.

She was having issues with her boyfriend at the time but generally yes, I think she was happy then. I wonder what happened in November? Maybe the attraction from her side just wore off? Or maybe she found everything she was looking for ( a new job and a room) and decided to call it quits as she never felt anything for me in the first place. To be completely honest, I don't need to know the answer to that because I will not trust anything she has to say. They say love is blind, but that statement is rather false. If anything, infatuation/lust is blind.

Atch - without fluent Polish

When we were together I was actually thinking about taking professional classes so I could surprise her on Valentines Day or something haha.

Atch - Do not under any circumstances be tempted to meet up for a drink or anything like that, you know where it will lead.

I was thinking about messaging her something along the lines of "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I hope you are doing well :)" around Christmas time but I quickly decided that that was a terrible idea. As bad as it sounds, I don't wish her a happy anything. I don't wish her anything bad but at the same time I don't wish her anything good. I don't wish her anything. I really don't give a toss anymore so why lie and send her that message?

I'm hoping that she WON'T message me a similar message because then I would be obliged to reply. I don't want any contact with her and I do not want to see her in the slightest. I just wish that I never bump into her ever again since she lives so close to me; a 4 minute drive. Whenever I go shopping or just out in the town, I try my best not to scan around because I really do not want to see her. Even if a girl with fair skin and red hair walks towards me or away from me I automatically assume it's her. I just can't take seeing her again. It's been nearly a month since we broke up and it just feels like yesterday. I'm doing better now but I'm no where near emotionally stable enough to see her. 1 week ago on a day when I was doing quite well, I accidentally saw a picture of her on Instagram for like 10 seconds where she was looking rather cheerful and pretty and that just put me down in the dumps for a rather long time. Needless to say, I didn't go back to look at that picture and when I calmed down the next day, I immediately unfollowed her before I got a chance to look at that picture again. During the first week I was constantly going back to her FB page (where we are no longer friends) and Instagram to see if she has posted anything but after the second week I didn't feel the urge to look at her face again. But yes, I have no intention of meeting up with her ever again and I just don't want to hear from her or see her as it would hinder my process of moving on.

Atch - That's actually made more of a man of you than the sex part, that's just a form of aerobics really isn't it?

Going through the pain and hardship of getting dumped by your first has made me more of a man than losing my virginity? I would like to hope so. Life is beautiful and it has taught me a great lesson which I'm sure will be useful in the future.

Thank you, Atch. God bless you :)

mafketis - Polish women often separate their emotions from their tactics.

You make them sound like machines with no emotion, and from what I've experienced, it seems rather true!

mafketis - Foreign guys usually never see this coming.

I did not, in the slightest, see it coming. If anything I thought I would be the one breaking things off later down the line if she still continued to act the way she did. And aye aye captain, I shall stay frosty! Thanks for your input and take care :)

nothanks - But the rest of us usually have our fun and then return to what is more comfortable.

To be completely honest and much to the misery of my parents, I would like to settle down and build a future with a girl of a different race. No one knows whats going to happen tomorrow (for all I know I could settle down with a Colombian girl) and my recent experience has taught me exactly that but I guess it's just what I like.

My friends actually ask me why I don't go after girls of my own race as they look more 'exotic'. The thing is I've been raised here so technically speaking, a girl from my birth country should seem more exotic to me but I really don't care about it. What can I say, I guess I like my polish women.

Thanks for your input buddy, all the best :)

terri - If a relationship is rocky from the beginning it will NEVER be o.k. Ever.

As Atch very rightly said, I was incredibly starry eyed when I entered into a relationship with my ex. I had the mindset that we could overcome any difficulties and be together forever. In hindsight, if that relationship was to continue for a longer period of time, I would have grown to absolutely despise her and she would have definitely cheated (physically this time!) if she couldn't bring herself to break up with me. What has happened is without doubt for the best, and my mother definitely agrees with that statement! After I told her about how I was treated she said that she felt anger towards me as she couldn't believe I would let a girl walk all over me like that. Of course I feel like crap a lot but then I just have to come here and read all the replies from all you lovely people again and again :)

Thank you for your reply terri, take care :)
advice5
5 Jan 2017  #19
You sound like a nice and genuine guy but very young and inexperienced, it takes maturity to judge other people's feelings and assess their suitability to be a girlfriend and to be ready to enter the relationship. I don't think she deliberately used you, this seems to be your main concern. She just doesn't know what she wants in her life, she acts erratic, she breaks up with a guy and starts new relationship with the new one next day,she leaves the country for a guy she barely knows (for a month or so) and starts a new job for him which she doesn't like. She speaks foreign language with him day in and out, which you need to understand is quite mentally tiring. She is just not ready to offer you what you want and there is nothing wrong about you. Treat this experience as part of educational journey about love.
LifeGoesOn - | 4
19 Jan 2017  #20
Advice5 -

She is just not ready to offer you what you want and there is nothing wrong about you. Treat this experience as part of educational journey about love.

That definitely appears to be true, but I think I will take a pretty long hiatus in my quest for love as I'm not looking forward to getting my heart broken again. The happiest one can be is by themselves. Thank you for your insight.
AussieAusBorn 1 | 18
18 Apr 2017  #21
sorry to hear it my friend. You seem like a decent guy and remember, at the end of the day, when she's shacked up with an alcoholic polish guy, she'll regret that she dumped you. Chin up and carry on.
nothanks - | 640
18 Apr 2017  #22
when she's shacked up with an alcoholic polish guy

Dude, stoners are on the rise in Poland.
LifeGoesOn - | 4
6 May 2017  #23
AussieAusBorn - Chin up and carry on.

Thanks buddy! It's actually been 5 months since the end of that dismal relationship and I can truly tell you now that I am finally happy and content (realised this on 4/20 funnily enough).Thing is she has some family members who are/have been alcoholics and when we were together she used to tell me that she's afraid she's going to become one too in the future so you may be right in assuming that she'll tie the knot with an alcoholic. Very glad I went through all that as it was a necessary learning experience. She completely broke me down as a man and I was less confident in myself at the end of that relationship than I was before I got with her. My confidence in myself currently feels like it's juuuust right. It actually feel like the break up was ages ago haha. Read your post before writing this and I just wanted to say good luck on your ldr. Thanks for the kind words and g'day mate :'D

nothanks - Dude, stoners are on the rise in Poland.

I used to smoke occasionally before I met her (once every two months or so) and she didn't like it so I pretty much stopped it for her. Started smoking weed very regularly (minimum 5 times a week) around the end of January (2 months after breaking up) and good lord, it changed me as a man (for the better, I'm sure).


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