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Polish girl confusing me

fjv 2 | 6
31 Oct 2018 #1
Hello all,

First of all let me say that I'm a bit ashamed of posting this here, because I always considered myself a centered person and I'm not 100% convinced of telling my private life in a public forum. But the situation is really confusing me.

I came to Poland for work (I have a bit of polish ancestry, but I'm not elegible for citizenship, I'm here on a work permit pased Karta Pobytu), and before coming I met a girl online, we fell in love let's say and we met.

She took me at first to her house and wanted me to live with her... But she wanted me to pay her mortgage credit, I mean, half of it, montly. I understand that life is not for free, and bills should be paid. But is it normal to ask a guy to pay half of the credit for a house that would never be mine legally? Isn't it a bit opportunistic?
Joker 3 | 2,538
31 Oct 2018 #2
Hey, its better than searching for a place for yourself and you get the fringe benefits:):)

But she wanted me to pay her mortgage credit,

Come on man! Where else in the world can you expect to live for free? You should have offered to help pay her bills.

Isn't it a bit opportunistic?

Perhaps, she could really use the extra income to help pay her mortgage, its not cheap in Europe.

Most foreign guys would love to have a situation with a nice Polish GF, with her own home, and you think she's taking advantage of you??

I think she should dump you.....Hahaha!!
Richthecat 8 | 68
31 Oct 2018 #3
Yeh So I kind of agree with the above,

I would check the going rate for a room in your location I bet it will be more than the half of the mortgage she is asking you to pay and if so you are actually getting a good deal. Of course, it feels like you are paying someone else's mortgage but that is what you would be doing if you rented and you don't get to have fun with your landlord :)

Totally fair in my opinion but if the credit is more than renting a room which I doubt maybe offer her the going rate for a room in your area.
Atch 19 | 3,869
31 Oct 2018 #4
It's reasonable that she expects you to share expenses but I actually don't agree that you should be paying half her mortgage. As a woman myself, I think you should be paying half the grocery and utility bills but not the mortgage or any part of it. It's her home so it's her responsibility.

Paying part of somebody's mortgage when you're in a relationship with them is not the same thing as sharing rent, because essentially you're assisting the other person in acquiring an asset which they will continue to have if the relationship ends, but in which you will have no share of legal ownership. I don't agree with other posters who see it as you paying rent with fringe benefits. You shouldn't be paying rent to your girlfriend. You should be sharing living expenses you incur as a couple.

Unfortunately if you've already been paying rent, then you've put yourself in a position where it may be hard to change that arrangement without upsetting your girlfriend. Perhaps you could suggest that instead of half the mortgage, you take total responsibility for the 'czynsz' which is an additional payment each month on top of her mortgage. That should work out at less than half her mortgage but it's a gesture of goodwill on your part and still makes a substantial contribution to the household.
31 Oct 2018 #5
Sounds like a bad deal. If you are not sure where the relationship is going, rent a place and enjoy your bachelor life. If both of you are serious, it is still a bad deal and you will have a trouble getting out of it (e.g. getting an ownership share or ceasing payments) without damaging the relationship.
Rich Mazur 4 | 3,138
31 Oct 2018 #6
I met a girl online, we fell in love let's say and we met.

You got the events in the wrong order. That aside, women do not fall in love. Men do. Women are in love with weddings, and, later, nesting. That's it. A guy is just the means, a tool and a sperm donor.

Just yesterday I watch one of those TV judges listening to an angry women suing a DJ, who, according to the angry woman, "ruined" her wedding because he played songs in a wrong order. Yeah, wedding ruined because of music. At the end, the judge said to the man: "I feel sorry for you". I did, too.

Bottom line: if she said she loved you, she was lying.
cms neuf 2 | 2,068
31 Oct 2018 #7
totally irrelevant and unhelpful comment from a man who knows plenty about women given he spends every night in a basement being paid to post drivel.

I agree with everyone above - you can either pay her rent or pay her the cost of the groceries and the czynsz. Of course if you end up marrying her you will eventually be a de facto joint owner of the place. If you tell her you want to live for free then you probably wont end up getting married.
Rich Mazur 4 | 3,138
31 Oct 2018 #8
Where I spend my time is irrelevant. My advice is spot on and it has to do with the basic biology and the fact that women lie because that is the only way for them to prevail. Men use their physical size to intimidate and force to threaten. Women can't do either, so they lie. And, optionally, scream.
OP fjv 2 | 6
31 Oct 2018 #9
Thanks, Atch.

I tried to explain the same. Is not that I didn't want to share the costs. But some things seemed completely unfair, like the fact that the house will never be mine. Also, for example, similar thing happened with the costs of the car. I had to pay half of the fuel, half of the OC, only because I was taken to the train station every morning. (Note: I don't drive and I was leaving home at 7 and returning at 20, while she used the car the whole day).

When I cuestioned this, I was accused of being a penny pincher, which I'm not. I even asked this question "If I bought my own car and I use it everyday to go to Lodz, would you pay half of my fuel too? Or in that case the expenses will be like "it's your car". And I was given a speech about cultural differences and polish girls and so on. (I'm from Argentina, not from Mars).
Rich Mazur 4 | 3,138
31 Oct 2018 #10
Charge her for the hugs, $10 per hug. That should be about equal to your mortgage co-pay.
Atch 19 | 3,869
31 Oct 2018 #11
Ok, if it's a house, not an apartment then there won't be a czynsz, so that would mean you should share the grocery and utilities. Charging you for fuel like that is not on. She sounds very mercenary and calculating. She's using you. It's not a good basis for a long term relationship.
Rich Mazur 4 | 3,138
31 Oct 2018 #12
She's using you.

Later, she will tell you that you eat more, so let's adjust accordingly what we save in our separate bank accounts.
Run, baby, run!
Ironside 51 | 11,298
31 Oct 2018 #13
When I cuestioned this,

Dude, you negotiate - that what you do. If you're not happy with arrangements it is up to you to deal with it. Why ever would ask people on some random forum about an advice? that troll-like BS Well, whatever, you already did.

My advice is simple - if you're unhappy with those arrangements you tell her right away and negotiate.
OP fjv 2 | 6
31 Oct 2018 #14
Yes that's what I would normally do. But when I tried so, the answers I got were that I am a penny pincher without class. That I come from another country, but this is the way things work in Poland, etc. And another bunch of diminishing comments.

So I gave reasonable doubt a chance. But I had to ask because it was a hamster wheel inside my head :)
Ironside 51 | 11,298
1 Nov 2018 #15
So I gave reasonable doubt a chance.

What doubt? You negotiate, accept things the way their are or leave. Are you looking for 'arguments' here? Is not the way you negotiate something like that. You need to know what YOU want for starters.
Rich Mazur 4 | 3,138
1 Nov 2018 #16
Rule One in men-women situations: Never try to talk yourself into a relationship. If you ever think or say, I love her, but...give it up immediately.
2 Nov 2018 #17
If you guys love each other, then why don't you just get married. In that case, you guys can own everything together. Regarding gasoline, just find a way to purchase your own mode of transportation to and from the train station. That way you don't need to pay her for gas, and you aren't putting extra miles on her car.

In any case, be a man about it and take charge of the situation. Put some babies in her. Tell her to sell her old junky house so you can buy a new one together.
Rich Mazur 4 | 3,138
2 Nov 2018 #18
If you guys love each other,

There is falling in love, being in love and loving. Never make any decisions when you are in the first phase - a form of mental disorder for which the only cure is time or living together and seeing everything, warts and all.
Atch 19 | 3,869
3 Nov 2018 #19
In any case, be a man about it and take charge of the situation. Put some babies in her.

Another twelve year old giving relationship advice, I see. Yes, that's what 'real' men do. Go around making babies with women they hardly know, don't trust and can't agree with about basic things like rent, groceries and utilities. I predict a great future for you JakubW1.
OP fjv 2 | 6
4 Nov 2018 #20
People, don't fight please :-)

I know more or less how to behave in a relationship, what to expect, etc.

I just asked because I'm aware of "cultural differences" (Although some things are the same everywhere). For example, in Argentina we have a huge feminism movement going on right now and no argentinian women would want to depend on a man. In fact there is this fuzz about for example, men not letting women invite and so son.

That's why I've asked.

This 50/50 thing I mentioned about this girl applies also to basic stuff, like for example, making a budget for going outs. Which, for me, is a bit strange because when I have to spend money for an invitation for example, I'm not constantly thinking about how much I've spent and sharing the bill exactly 50/50. I think it's awful to go to have a coffee with cake and if the bill is 46,52 say "Ok, you owe me 23,26, no more no less". Where is the opportunity to say "I would like to invite you for a nice coffee/dinner" in such budgeting planning 50/50? To me it sounds more like a commercial society.

In my past relations no one questioned how much one of the partners was spending. Or I was never forced to pay for a credit not belonging to me.

And yes, this are stuff to talk and negotiate. But if every time that you want to disagree you hear "Oh, you're a penny pincher" or if sharing the costs 50/50 of a car that I do not own or use everyday but if were to get my own it would be "Ah, is your car", someone is clearly tipping the scale its favour and not willing to negotiate.
Rich Mazur 4 | 3,138
4 Nov 2018 #21
I think it's awful to go to have a coffee with cake and if the bill is 46,52 say "Ok, you owe me 23,26, no more no less".

That would be ridiculous. But it would be reasonable to alternate.
BTW, I like that feminist movement where women want to be independent. I told my daughters way back the same thing and that husbands leave, die, get sick or lose their jobs. That old model: God, man, horse, dog, gun, and a dependent wife, is done with.
ClickClick - | 2
7 Nov 2018 #22
I hope everything will be better.. Long distance relationship?? Umm ok.. Anyway.

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