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Should I follow her? I met a beautiful Polish woman who has been working in the UK


SickLove
19 Jan 2017 #31
be a man and stand your ground, there is zero future for you in Poland, send her on her way and get one who considers YOU!
kaz200972 2 | 229
19 Jan 2017 #32
Not a good idea to go after this lady.
People often don't realise that Poland is quite a harsh country to survive in.
There isn't a well established welfare state, wages aren't high and some things cost a lot!!
Things are not so easy for women either. There is still a wage gap between male/female earnings
and still some stigma attached to being an unmarried woman over a certain age.
You will find it hard to work there and consequently be a burden on your girlfriend and will probably be dumped.
Don't take it personally it's just survival, your girlfriend wants a home and family in familiar surroundings with people she knows, she will have had to make some hard decisions and romantic love doesn't always take priority.

It's easy to think that love conquers all when you are in Britain but the reality is that in many countries romantic love can be a luxury.

There are plenty of women out there, you'll get over this, though I appreciate it's tough now.
OP britabroadmaybe
19 Jan 2017 #33
ok...

So why has she suddenly become really happy and excited about our future again? Why has she told her friends and family that I'm following over and she's excited to introduce me to everyone there?

The reason I made this post in the first place is that I understand that it seem's like I'm not exactly involved in her decision making. But, as I've said in earlier posts, I told her in the past that there was 'NO WAY' I will ever move to Poland, unless I'm ready to retire with a nice pot of money.

We had a very toxic period in our relationship. We both bounced around our unhappiness. She was missing home, she was putting huge pressure on me and I folded, I failed as a partner to support her.

I'm not moving over straight away, I've already in conversation with a company who would like me to work for them. I'm putting things in place and planning the move. However, I'm leaving things settled here and giving myself a few months for her to adjust to life at home and see if there is still a place for me in her heart once she's filled a few of the holes that I can't.

Again, thanks for your help and advice. I see where you're all coming from. But understand, I am not just dumping my life for her. However, I'm willing to go if she truly wants me with her and really wants the babies we were even talking about last night! :)
Najade - | 19
19 Jan 2017 #34
Dude, why were you even asking for advice if your mind is already made up?

Btw, you might have gotten the answers you were looking for if you had stated "only encouraging posts please, as I will disregard anything else".

Good luck to you either way.
Atch 16 | 3,267
19 Jan 2017 #35
she was putting huge pressure on me

If you think that will stop once you're in Poland............it will intensify if anything in a myriad of ways. The culture of relationships in Poland is quite different to the UK. Polish women have certain expectations and they can very demanding. When things are not going their way, rather than talking things through with you they will talk about you to friends, family etc and the whole coven will be down on you like a ton of bricks.

I failed as a partner

Just be careful now. You're in danger of heading down the 'it's all my fault' route. There's usually fault on both sides. Blaming yourself means that you may start kidding yourself that if you do things differently from now on, she'll be happy and everything will be fine. Famous last words.

We had a very toxic period in our relationship.

Honestly Brit, for two people in their thirties, with a bit of life experience behind them, to have toxic stuff going on while you're still in the honeymoon period, after only one year together, does not bode well for the future.

if she truly wants me with her and really wants the babies

I'm sure she wants the babies. But should you be considering having children in a relationship where you feel the need to come on an internet forum and ask strangers whether they think the future mother actually loves you or not?

A final word of warning. It's not at all uncommon for Polish women to expect their man to go abroad to work and simply send money back to support them and the children. It's an established way of life in Poland. For years women accepted that their husbands would work in Germany and only come home every few months for a visit. It still goes on.

I'll give you two examples. A Polish woman I knew in Ireland, in her late thirties, an accountant by profession, married to an Irish guy, four year old son born in Ireland. Decided she wanted to go back to Poland. At first the plan was that they were both going, pretty natural for a married couple with a child. Then, change of plan. Because of difficulties for husband with language etc husband would stay in Ireland and she would move back with the child. He would visit for a weekend every month. She would live in an old apartment she'd inherited from an aunty and the money from Ireland would pay to renovate it.

The other was a girl in her twenties whom my husband was chatting to, worked in our local Polski sklep, she had a Polish husband. He asked her whether she liked it in Ireland, no not really she said but she was staying because she wanted to have a baby in Ireland and stay long enough so it would have Irish citizenship, then return to Poland, her husband would remain in Ireland and work as he could provide much better for the family that way and they could think about buying a house in Poland.

They just see things differently. They take a very practical approach to life and money and security take precedence over romance. They don't have that 'Western' way of thinking love will conquer all and 'we have each other, as long as we're together, that's the most important thing'.
OP britabroadmaybe
19 Jan 2017 #36
@Najade

I came here to see if my feelings were justified, should I be worried, were the gut feelings normal.

You've all confirmed I should feel that way. I shall use this information to make sure I don't take any stupid chances and I ensure I've always got a fallback plan.

I've been making my mind up, with her, whilst you've all been advising me. What's wrong with that?

What would you all rather me say, oh yeah... you're all right, dumped that woman and moved on... I mean what if there is a chance of a happy future, should you not qualify that before giving up?

She's said she would love me to come with her. She'd love to make a life together there, this had not been discussed together when I first made this post. I made this post after I mentioned to her what if...

If she didn't really want me there.. why would she tell friends and family about me coming? Why would she get so excited? I'd like to think that there's no person that would lie to themselves and friends like that.. would make her look mental.
kaz200972 2 | 229
19 Jan 2017 #37
If she didn't really want me there.. why would she tell friends and family about me coming? Why would she get so excited?

She probably would like you to go with her, but unless you make a success of yourself very quickly don't expect her to hang around.

As I said, this is nothing personal, it's survival and about her being able to achieve her goals in the best way possible.

Just make sure that any job you get is reasonably well paid and is all written up in a good legal contract, favourable to you!

Also make sure your career prospects in the UK will not be affected by you working abroad for some years.
Learn Polish ASAP and speak it as much as you can as of now.

I hope it does work out for you but be prepared for it to go wrong as sadly these things often do.
Crow 146 | 9,142
19 Jan 2017 #38
In a world of dogs, male always follow female if wants something. Similar is with humans.
OP britabroadmaybe
19 Jan 2017 #39
Woof!
Ziemowit 13 | 4,259
19 Jan 2017 #40
Woof!

And that concludes this discussion nicely!
Britabroadmaybe
20 Jan 2017 #41
You were all right. She flipped out on me for no reason tonight.
She'll go to Poland. She'll expect to be automatically happy and she'll be more depressed and feel even more trapped and powerless. I've been offered two job interviews in wroclaw already... She's arranged a skiing trip and a holiday to Israel which she's forcing her father to pay for.

Sue literally has nothing to offer the world except for her pussy. She'll go to Poland and **** around until she finds a stable guy she can latch onto and milk him. I don't think she even knows what love is, or how to be truly happy.

Woof....nah, not this cat.
Buggsy 8 | 98
20 Jan 2017 #42
You were all right. She flipped out on me for no reason tonight.

In everything you've written it clearly shows the cultural difference betweeen the 2 of you, mate. You don't understand Polish women and you need to learn a lot about where they are coming from. It's quite natural for a boyfriend or girlfriend to be introduced to all family members or in your case for her to tell everyone that her British boyfriend is coming to visit. Polish women in the UK are the most confused when it comes to settling down coz most are trapped- they don't know if they are coming or going. My advice to you is come down here, see the place first and later work out if you can settle or not. If you've never lived abroad before it won't be easy. And as for women, the moment you start working, you will meet many decent ones. I'll tell you this, without any prejudice- Polish women love foreign men who at least try to speak Polish..
DominicB - | 2,709
20 Jan 2017 #43
until she finds a stable guy she can latch onto

That's exactly right. Financial stability is a major priority for Polish women, and trumps "love" every time. Not that I blame them, since they have had to deal with instability and insecurity all their lives. Another priority for Polish women is their families, and you never, ever would want to place her in a position where she has to choose between them and you. You will lose every time.

Frankly, it seems that there isn't much overlap in her priorities and yours. Without common goals and aspirations, you will always be in conflict. If she stays in the UK with you, she will resent you. And if you follow her to Poland and sacrifice your career and earning potential, you will come to resent her.

She seems to have made her decision and future plans, and they seem not to include you (or else you'd have been invited to go to Israel with her). Take the hint and start making alternative plans and decisions for your own life. Whether she is happy in the future or not is no longer your responsibility. Let it go and get on with your life. Good luck!
Lenka 3 | 2,473
20 Jan 2017 #44
Sue literally has nothing to offer the world except for her pussy.

I can see that your relationship is truly screwed up...if you write such things about your partner because you had a fight it's really toxic relation. Let her go to Poland and find someone you respect enough not to write such things even if you had a rough time.
Ziemowit 13 | 4,259
20 Jan 2017 #45
Sue literally has nothing to offer the world except for her pussy.

But that's exatly what Crow had told you a little while before:

In a world of dogs, male always follow female if wants something. Similar is with humans.

And you have said "Woof!" to it.

Beyond that "woof" thing that greatly atrracts you to her, did you ever tell her you wanted to marry her? For a woman, and not necessarily a Polish woman only, it may be vital as a starting point for thinking about a serious life beyond a relationship you have now. Did you tell her you would like to have children with her?

Also, Polish women tend to communicate indirectly very much. It is often a hard job for a man to guess what they really have in mind in behaving in a specific way rather than telling you straight away.

Also, I have noticed the following facts you reveal about her which you should ponder upon:

After a few failed relationships

and not feeling satisfied with her career

Finally, I have a vague feeling that your relansionship is quite far from being mature.
OP britabroadmaybe
20 Jan 2017 #46
@Lenka

She apologised this morning. You have no idea how horrible it is to be on the receiving end of the attacks that come out of nowhere. When a person is feeling sad or low, you don't attack the person you love.. not even knowing why you're angry at this person and jumping from reason to reason as you smash this person's soul, and make him feel worthless. All this when all he's done is tried to set up the best life possible.

Turns out it was because she felt embarrassed and ashamed that I look like I will find it easier than her over there. I've already been offered two job interviews and she's not even looked for a job properly yet. She felt that she may look like she's living out my pocket and so got upset.. and attacked me with super harsh words and a belittling attitude to make me feel like less of a person.

It's not my fault that I want to make sure that we have a stable future in PL. It's not my fault I want to make preparations to ensure success rather than failure. If she's not made effort to secure her future there, but I have... is that right to knock me over to feel better about herself?

I've told her if she did not want a future with me, better to tell me now. But she insist's that I am what she wants, and yet gets upset when I put in the effort to make sure we survive over there.

This is why I made this thread in the first place. I don't feel like she loves me, she's saying one thing and doing another. Everything I do to try and make her future look good is seen as making her feel more insignificant.

All I wanted was to provide her, and the family we've talked about, the best future and chance of life. Yet this embarrassed her because I might look more successful than her.

Yeah, I was bloody angry last night and vented on a forum as opposed to screaming at the woman I love. **** me for that right.

I'm done with this thread. Can a mod please delete it?
OP britabroadmaybe
20 Jan 2017 #47
@Ziemowit, Yes mate, I'm the first person in her life to tell her I want to marry her. We talked about our children. What they may look like, who's body shape they may get, who's eyes.

We talked about what our future could look like. I understand that having her parents (or grandma and grandad) around us would be great for the children and that's why I was willing to make a fresh start in Wroclaw.

I LOVE HER.
Ziemowit 13 | 4,259
20 Jan 2017 #48
I'm done with this thread. Can a mod please delete it?

I don't think it is a good idea. This thread is public property now and other people may benefit from it as well.

Just calm down and re-think your position. I think it would be good for both of you if you had a break for some time.

Also, it may be good to take the advice of a professional counselor before you make any decisive move.
Harry
20 Jan 2017 #49
I've been offered two job interviews in wroclaw already

Good choice of city. There's some stunningly good beer there, and very nice young ladies too.
OP britabroadmaybe
20 Jan 2017 #50
@Ziemowit.

Look, I appreciate your advice. I'll be going to PL with approx 25,000 Euros in the bank. I also have a large amount of stock from both my current and previous job, she does not even know about all of it. I'm not saying this to show off, my options are wide open. I can move anywhere in the world and try it. If I fail, I can move somewhere else. I've lived abroad for 6 years. This is not my first rodeo. Yes, Poland comes with its own challenges. But weirdly, I love the Poles, I loved Wroclaw and I love her.

Poland was only about a chance of happiness with her. I can go back home anytime, or somewhere else, or I could even stay in Poland and make my own future there.

She blows hot and cold. Wanted to try and understand her a little more and so came on here and ranted like an idiot. I'm not insecure about myself, I'm not clinging onto her for no reason. We actually get on super well when she's happy. Total acceptance of each other, warts and all. But, when she's unhappy it's bloody difficult because she leaves me powerless.

I simply wanted to know. Is it a regular thing for Polish woman to be torn between love and home. And If love follows her home can it work out.
Lenka 3 | 2,473
20 Jan 2017 #51
Yeah, I was bloody angry last night and vented on a forum as opposed to screaming at the woman I love. **** me for that right.

It's of course your relationship but to me such behaviour indicates failed relationship. You were angry and I get it but I can't imagine myself or my partner going on a internet forum and use such words because we had a fight. I'm not saying she didn't give you reasons to be angry what I'm saying is that so much anger and such behaviour indicates that your relationship is dead.
DominicB - | 2,709
20 Jan 2017 #52
I simply wanted to know. Is it a regular thing for Polish woman to be torn between love and home.

Yes. Very common, in fact.

And If love follows her home can it work out.

It "can", I guess, but it rarely does. Like anyone "can" win the Powerball, just buy a ticket, but almost no one ever does. The situation you are counting on happens so rarely I've never heard of anything like it during my twelve years in Poland. Sounds more like a fairy tale, and Poland ain't fairy tale country.
Atch 16 | 3,267
20 Jan 2017 #53
If you put aside the cultural stuff and the homesickness business etc and imagine that she was an English woman and you were having some other issue which was a problem, the fact is that the pair of you are unable to communicate effectively in a mature and adult way without losing your heads. You most certainly should not be considering having children in such a volatile and unstable relationship.

We actually get on super well when she's happy.

But that's not what counts. What matters is how you get on when she's NOT happy. That's what makes the measure of a relationship, how you get along when times are tough.

She blows hot and cold.

This is very common with Polish women. They are moody.

Also, Polish women tend to communicate indirectly very much. It is often a hard job for a man to guess what they really have in mind in behaving in a specific way rather than telling you straight away.

Spot on Ziem. I find them quite teenager-ish. If they're upset about something, they'll pout and sulk and do the martyr face and expect the man to notice that something's wrong rather than just coming straight out with it. Then if the man doesn't notice, they get angry etc.

having her parents (or grandma and grandad) around us would be great for the children

Yes, if you want the baby wrapped in 'swaddling clothes' like the infant Jesus. Have you read any of the threads on the interference of Babcias in the child rearing process?

Yet this embarrassed her because I might look more successful than her.

A very immature and childish attitude from a woman in her thirties.

Poland comes with its own challenges.

Which makes it doubly important to have a loving, understanding and emotionally generous partner who's not solely focused on themselves and what they want out of life.

I've lived abroad for 6 years. This is not my first rodeo.

Yes but you were younger, you were there as a single man for work or life experience and you were free to leave any time with only yourself to consider. Now you'll essentially be in what amounts to a marriage which you'll be under pressure to make work and you're talking about having children. A very different kettle of fish.

And do bear in mind that if you have a child with her and things don't subsequently work out, you will be financially responsible for that child under Polish law for a very, very long time. It is possible to still be paying child support when an adult child is twenty five. Also Polish courts do not determine child support amounts using the same kind of system as the UK. It's completely arbitrary and can be any amount that the judge decides. It's based not on your earnings and outgoings but on your potential earnings and your outgoings are not taken into account at all. The official line (and this is written in law) is that a child should not suffer any material loss/reduction in their standard of living as a result of the separation of his parents. A nice idea but completely unworkable in real life. It's inevitable that both the parents and the child will be materially less well off.

So just think on, cocker, as they'd say in Lancashire.
Najade - | 19
20 Jan 2017 #54
You were angry and I get it but I can't imagine myself or my partner going on a internet forum and use such words because we had a fight.

indeed, and I have the strong feeling (have had it from the beginning, tbh) that we are getting only one side of the story, and an extremely biased one at that.

The way the OP goes from one extreme to the other with his wordings and feelings comes across as...well let's just say, inconsistent.

I sure wouldn't want to be with someone who goes to a forum and says such things about me because he's angry.

And I know there are such couples that fight all the time and go from yelling insults to snuggling and talking babies, and vice versa.

That's not the kind of relationship I can comment onto, thus I'm out of this thread.
polinv
20 Jan 2017 #55
Considering your position, I would not come to Poland unless I have a guaranteed job with a watertight contract bringing in 15k/month or an investment fund of a few million zloty to start. Any less and you wont be able to expand. So youll stand still and that means moving backwards. One of the diffs between the UK and Poland is while in the UK you can work your way up from the bottom, in Poland you will struggle to do this. So either you need to have the finances to be able to bring you a wage in line with a mature career, or you get near that wage right from the off. Particularly since you will be a foreigner and your job openings will be limited bar certain niches. Id add that being on holiday and living in a place are two very different things, but Id choose Wroclaw over any other Polish city if pressed, so at least youll be going somewhere with potential and thats recognised by the West.

As for women, social media hasnt helped the problem that many young, esp from less populated areas, are just interested in improving their stanowisko. Its born from being poor, but wanting things which is natural. But the good news you tend to find less of that attitude in Wroclaw and other major cities, where people try to make a career for themselves. Students however, will be students are there are plenty of them in Wroclaw.
Ziemowit 13 | 4,259
20 Jan 2017 #56
I sure wouldn't want to be with someone who goes to a forum and says such things about me because he's angry.

Don't blame him so much. He may be in need to talk to someone about his problem as he may have no one to talk about it. It is just terrible to be alone with a problem all the time.

we are getting only one side of the story, and an extremely biased one at that.

If it's biased or not, we don't know, but you have hit the nail on the head. Not without reason the ancient Romans used to say: audiatur et altera pars. That is why I have advised a professional counselor to them. Such a person can listen to the story of each sides separately and listen to both of them sitting together. Both sides may also be able to talk face-to-face in a non-confrontational way in the presence of a counselor.

Spot on Ziem, [...] they expect the man to notice that something's wrong rather than just coming straight out with it. if the man doesn't notice, they get angry etc

Very angry indeed. I've been married to a Polish woman for quite a long time now, so I'm talking from my own experience!
snaps 4 | 27
20 Jan 2017 #57
Ok OP,

I'm a Brit living in very rural Poland (Southern Poland in the mountains). I met a Polish Woman, we got married and we have 3 kids. Her father died and then the bombshell hit......We were basically made to move to Poland to look after mother in law and house.

Things were great in Ireland (Where we were living when we met), then when we moved to Poland over 3 years ago she changed so much.

All of a sudden she became extremely religious, acquiring all these new rules and traditions that I'd never seen before from her.

Our marriage hit rock bottom.

I found it very hard to get on with anybody for the first 6 months, then after a year I wanted out.

Luckily I found work by accident and I have become very successful, mainly because I live in a very rural area of Poland (Beskidi mountains). I now speak quite good Polish and have made many friends.

Life in Poland is extremely hard, in all aspects. This winter is extremely tough going, Money soon goes and my marriage is no where near perfect.

But, There are a lot of positives.....The people, the summer weather, the culture, the countryside, the food, school education and lots more.

So if you do make a move, Life will be very tough to start and it will not be a bed of roses. Ride the storm out and you'll do Ok.

Also my savings have dwindled as we had to do so much work on the house when we moved over (We still have a lot to do as well), but saying that if you have some savings, don't tell your woman how much you have and play it cool. Savings go a long long way here.

I live in a superb place in a very large house with an awful amount of land, the kind of place you dream of.

So after 3.5 years i am very happy here.

Oh on the note about wages, I remember getting my first weeks pay here and I was so depressed, it was the same as a days pay in Ireland, but ive worked hard and now earn very good money, you soon adjust to the changes in income.
after2020
20 Jan 2017 #58
OP, after reading this thread, I understand you to be in the region of 55-60 years old and your Polish lady to be mid thirties, so with this in mind you will automatically have an uphill struggle. You have been given lots of advice on this forum, some of which I would consider sound, the vast majority I would say is tosh. I live in Poland and I have done it all, there is not much I do not know about being a Brit in Poland. My city is Warsaw not Wroclaw, both cities have merits. Living in Poland is not that tough if you get bored or in need of recharge you just go back to the UK for a few days. What I understand from your post you will be living in your partners place. I understand your partner has been living in the UK, working in some blue collar job. So based on that information I would guess she is not from the most affluent part of Wroclaw. Now we can ascertain you will be living with your woman who is 20 years your junior probably in an area which is known as blokland . Are you prepared to live in blokland? I know some Brits in Warsaw which live in blokland, its not a pretty site and takes some getting used to. Now its ok to go native, which begs the question how humble are you prepared to get. OP, I would say go for it follow your dream, my only suggestion would be, to expect the worst and hope for the best. A word of advice don't blame your other half when things get tough, arrange monthly visits back to the UK, so you have something special to look forward to. You and your Mrs need to sit down and put the five year plan together, so you both have a place you are moving forward to. More importantly always remember Polish women love flowers in odd numbers. Good luck with the move, mate.
Atch 16 | 3,267
21 Jan 2017 #59
after reading this thread, I understand you to be in the region of 55-60 years old

Didn't read very carefully did you?

We are both in our early 30's

so with this in mind

Your advice is thus completely irrelevant, one might even say 'tosh', know wot I mean Tosh?

I have done it all

But have not yet mastered the art of speed reading evidently.
after2020
22 Jan 2017 #60
Itch, OP is nowt more than a ' Walter Mitty.'


Home / Love / Should I follow her? I met a beautiful Polish woman who has been working in the UK
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