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Should I follow her? I met a beautiful Polish woman who has been working in the UK


britabroadmaybe
17 Jan 2017 #1
Hi All,

I met a beautiful Polish woman who has been working in the UK for 7 years. When I met her, she had already planned to move back home to Poland. After a few failed relationships and not feeling satisfied with her career. She had decided to move home. We are both in our early 30's, we've been together just over a year now.

We got on well and she decided to stay in the UK with me. We moved in together fairly quickly but the relationship did not go well. She was not happy. We fought a lot and Poland seemed to become more and more convinced that her life in the UK was over.

She told me around Christmas that she was moving back to Poland. The relationship was not enough for her now and she needs to go back to be with her family. She wants to make something out of herself, she wants to be seen with more respect, not just another Polish immigrant.

I had told her in the past there was no future for me in Poland. I have a great career and I'm happy where I am. She never asked me to move to PL with her, she simply wanted to give up our relationship and move home.

I love her. I love her with all my heart. I know my life will be very different in Poland, but I feel I can be happy there. At the end of the day, it's not just about money, it's more to do with happiness.

I'm scared, though. She seemed to be able to drop me so easy. She was talking about finding new men with her friends once she's settled back in Poland. I'm not sure if she really truly loves me like I love her.

Has anyone else been through this situation? Are you a Polish woman who loved a foreign guy but had to go home so badly you left him.

Do people think I should be looking at a future with her in Poland or does the fact she was willing to drop me say enough about how she see's me?

When I asked her how she felt about me moving with her to Poland she said she would love it. She said it would be her dream to have me there. But only if I am happy and she wants to go spend time there alone first to find a home and a Job.

What's your thoughts?
Ziemowit 13 | 4,274
17 Jan 2017 #2
You should give a third country a try. The position will be level for both of you there.
OP britabroadmaybe
17 Jan 2017 #3
Nah, that won't work. She is a true Pole. She wants to raise a family around her parents and be part of all of her friends lives who are now getting married, having children etc.
HardBrexiter
17 Jan 2017 #4
Why would you want to go and live in a developing country? Your salary will probably be £4000 a year.
OP britabroadmaybe
17 Jan 2017 #5
@HardBrexiter

Really, I did some research and I don't think it will be that low. And besides, some things are more important than money. Like errr... Love and a Family and being happy.
Ziemowit 13 | 4,274
17 Jan 2017 #6
Your salary will probably be £4000 a year

Where did you get that from, HardBrexiter? Or is it a salary that is going to prevail in the UK in ten years after Brexit ?
Atch 17 | 3,314
17 Jan 2017 #7
Salaries in Poland have improved a lot depending on what kind of job you do. The main problem for the OP would be the language which would limit his possibilities.

She wants to make something out of herself, she wants to be seen with more respect,

What does she mean by that exactly? Poland is not a society that encourages people in their thirties to go to college or improve themselves. It's still a country where people tend to marry young and have kids in their twenties and by the time you're forty you're considered 'old' or certainly very much middle-aged. She spent seven years in the UK which does encourage people to get educated, qualified etc. Did she take advantage of that? Did she get any qualifications and experience that will improve her prospects when she returns to Poland? If not, then, to be honest, unless she has good connections, she won't be able to do it.

Do people think I should be looking at a future with her in Poland or does the fact she was willing to drop me say enough about how she see's me?

Well it certainly mean that she sees herself as 'separate' from you and not as part of a couple. Couples make decisions together after a lot of talking, discussing and compromising but she's basically already decided what she wants to do and you can either go along with it or not, she's leaving that choice to you.

she wants to go spend time there alone first to find a home

Once again, that suggests she's not really thinking as your life partner, or half of a couple.

She was talking about finding new men with her friends once she's settled back in Poland.

If she really means that, then just forget her, in fact buy her a ticket and send her on her way now. She might just be playing games with you though.

Look, I don't mean to sound horrible, but she's in her early thirties, she wants to settle down and have kids asap. It didn't work out for her in the UK, she didn't find Mr Right. Polish women can be very business like and she won't waste any more time faffing about. She wants to get on with it but, and this is very significant, she doesn't want to return to Poland with YOU. You would be a liability. You don't speak the language fluently (or at all?), you would have to adapt to the culture (which is very different to the UK), you would need a lot of emotional and practical support for a year or so and might never really settle there. It is far easier for her to go back on her own and find a Polish guy who's sorted with his job etc. Polish people don't go in for long engagements or living together for years, within a year of meeting someone she'll probably be pregnant and he'll be delighted. So, I'd say, if she wants to go, let her and accept that it's over.
OP britabroadmaybe
17 Jan 2017 #8
@Atch That's exactly what I have been feeling. It's always been about her. It's never been about me.

When she was talking about meeting new guys in PL, she was talking to her friend. She did say she hoped to meet a nice guy like me, but Polish and possibly younger.

I'm obviously worried that I may be giving up the life I've built for someone who is not really serious about me.

Since I've let her know I may be willing to move over she's told me how excited the idea of moving there with me would be. But there is a very non-commital attitude there. Its all about her and what's going to make her happy.

I don't feel she really loves me. Even though she says she does.
Atch 17 | 3,314
17 Jan 2017 #9
Brit Abroad, I would say go with that gut feeling. Incidentally I'm an Irish woman married to a Polish guy and we've lived both in Ireland and Poland, so I understand your situation. My husband is great but it's definitely not easy to adapt to life in Poland.
OP britabroadmaybe
17 Jan 2017 #10
Atch, Thanks for the advice. I love her with all my heart. I really wanted to give her that family. But I only want to have that with someone who truly feels the same for me. Her decisions make me feel like that's not the case. :(
Harry
17 Jan 2017 #11
Should I follow her?

No.

I have a great career

You can also have one in Poland but you'd probably need to pretty much start again from scratch.

Its all about her and what's going to make her happy.

So you're best off finding a better partner. Although if you visit Poland you might find that there's not exactly a shortage here.
DominicB - | 2,709
17 Jan 2017 #12
I don't feel she really loves me. Even though she says she does.

More important is that she considers you as dispensable and easily replaced. You are clearly not a priority for her at this stage of her life. She is looking for husband material, and has decided that you do not and can not fit the bill. There's little point in pursuing something that just ain't gonna happen. Trite as it sounds, there are plenty of other fish in the see. Hop back up on your horse and start looking for a new mate. Good luck!
OP britabroadmaybe
17 Jan 2017 #13
Thank's all.

I think the best thing I can do is ask her straight.

I get the feeling that she's just keeping me sweet until she leaves. Then the bomb-shell will drop... "I don't want you here"

Time will tell, thanks for the help/advice.
Harry
17 Jan 2017 #14
I think the best thing I can do is ask her straight.

Probably not, that way you're relying on her firstly being able to give a truthful answer and secondly wanting to give a truthful answer and thirdly actually giving a truthful answer. And all of those things are far from guaranteed.

At the risk of sounding harsh you wouldn't be the first Englishman to come out here with a woman who has decided to move home and who then goes back to England with his tail between his legs, his finances ruined and a hole in his career path that will take years to fix. Although I suppose that you also wouldn't be the first Englishman to come out here with a woman who he promptly drops like a burning shovel when he finds out what his other options are in Poland (top tip: that is probably not going to happen in the tiny towns).
mafketis 24 | 8,912
17 Jan 2017 #15
Best advice: Thank her for your time together and wish her all the best in the future, get a nice (not extravagant going away present) and let her move on with her life while you move on with yours.

Coming to Poland in the circumstances you've outlined would likely (probability about 97%) be a disaster for you (other posters are not exaggerating, listen to them).

Poland can be a great country to live in _if_ you know the language and _if_ you can learn how to deal with the cultural differences (neither one of which is quick or painless).

If you really love her, let her go (it's for the best for both of you).
OP britabroadmaybe
17 Jan 2017 #16
I'm glad you all believe in love stories. Really got the reassurance I was looking for ;/

I've been to Poland. I've been to the city she wants to move too. There are English speaking jobs and a strong Expat community. I plan on learning Polish at some point and she's already started to teach me (putting sticky labels on things around the house so I know what they are in Polish).

I've dropped myself in strange countries before and I've always done well. I work in sales and so can pretty much find work anywhere.

I was just hoping someone else has experienced the same type of homesickness she has and can relate to the situation.
Lenka 3 | 2,208
17 Jan 2017 #17
I can relate to what she's feeling. Being an immigrant, especially when as a Pole she's mostly viewed as a cheap worker, is not easy. And when you start thinking about family...you want to pass certain values and be close to family. So I do get that.

However her not talking to you about your options as a couple doesn't sound good. Did she ever sit down with you and actually said that she has a hard time and the two of you should discuss your options? If she never included you in this then I doubt it will turn out ok. Try talking to her and ask why she ignores you in her plans. It's possible she just doesn't think you could make it in Poland but I wouldn't keep my hopes up. Sorry.
Najade - | 19
17 Jan 2017 #18
I agree with everything other posters have already said.

Looks like you hoped for encouraging advice though.
Understandable if you love her, but imagine the situation reversed.
Would you be able to plan out a future for yourself without her, and nonchalantly talk about how to meet a british woman instead?

Everyone's different, but I couldn't even imagine thinking and talking about getting to know other guys while I'm in love with someone who is right there.

I've seen this business-like kind of woman many times.
She doesn't really care who she is with, she will always choose the one who is best for her purpose at that particular moment.

And not think twice to drop that someone when the purpose changes.

Don't give up the good life you have already for someone like that.
mafketis 24 | 8,912
17 Jan 2017 #19
this business-like kind of woman many times.
...
And not think twice to drop that someone when the purpose changes.

I want to like this comment 297 times. It's _that_ accurate! Well done!
nickknock - | 19
17 Jan 2017 #20
Poland is a great place to live, but she could be using this as an excuse to break up. I would only move if you want to, and she was trying to bring you.
mafketis 24 | 8,912
17 Jan 2017 #21
but she could be using this as an excuse to break up

We've tried the subtle approach, so we might as well go caveman....
polinv
18 Jan 2017 #22
If there is any doubt, there is no doubt...sorry to say.
OP britabroadmaybe
18 Jan 2017 #23
Honestly, no one knows what the future will bring. She's told some of her friends that I'm going to move over with her and she seem's happy.

I was not perfect in the relationship as she put me under huge pressure as she was unhappy. This made me unhappy and we suffered some turbulence.

You may all be right, you may all be wrong... Que Sera, Sera!
Bart001
18 Jan 2017 #24
Sorry but how exactly do propose to get into a sales position in Poland if you don't know how to speak Polish? You will find it very difficult if not impossible even with beginner level Polish to sell anything.
przyjacielPL
18 Jan 2017 #25
I think you should stop the relationship. You should not follow her because it looks like she has more power than you.
It looks like you are not her priority. You will probably get hurt if you follow her.

But only if I am happy and she wants to go spend time there alone first to find a home and a Job.

Clearly you are not her priority. A woman in love would like you with her to help/support her.
Go away fast and find another woman polish or not :).
cms 9 | 1,271
18 Jan 2017 #26
The expats that are in her hometown are doing what ? Probably they fall into 3 groups - english teachers / translators, long established expats who speak Polish and have Polish wife and kids and experts who are here on some company gig - mainly engineers, bankers etc.

Investigate that and speak to those people before you take the plunge - It could work out for you but if you are 30 then really be careful before you burn your boats and leave a bit of cash to restart in the UK if needed.

Good luck !
after2020
18 Jan 2017 #27
OP, firstly what is the age difference between you and your Polish girl/woman? second has she forgiven you for the grief you put her through? I am going to say this again, Poland is a **** country as a foreigner to do business in, although its a great country to do business from . Poles are very bad communicators in other languages, because its all about the money. No one here gives two hoots about customer service. Now if you are a real old school sales person, prepared to search for the needle in the haystack, the yes in a barrel of no's. You will succeed in Poland, if on the other hand you are just an order taker, stay in the UK . Polish women normally wish to come back to Poland for two reasons number one, parents are getting old and they need support or the biological clock is ticking and they want to have a baby surrounded by their family. I would sit your lady down and explain to her you are giving up everything for her, you are the one prepared to make the sacrifice to hold the relationship together. If she tells you we can have a better life in Poland, unless you have deep pockets, be prepared for Brexit, because a bad deal is no deal.
peter_olsztyn 6 | 1,098
19 Jan 2017 #28
Do people think I should be looking at a future with her in Poland

No. You will not be able to swim in this water for a long time.

or does the fact she was willing to drop me say enough about how she see's me?

She is tired of living abroad. She acts from practical point of view. For the same reason I would never want to be with a Russian girl.
nothanks - | 640
19 Jan 2017 #29
She seemed to be able to drop me so easy. She was talking about finding new men with her friends once she's settled back in Poland. I'm not sure if she really truly loves me like I love her.

At-least you are honest with yourself

IMO if you aren't starting from 0 career wise and could theoretically return after 3 something years and fall on your feet back in Britain - then do it. You will always question yourself "what if". But if you are throwing a career away then I would wait and have to see more sacrifice/commitment from her. This story is a common one on this forum, usually dealing with men dating much younger/better looking women.
LifeGoesOn - | 4
19 Jan 2017 #30
Britabroadmaybe, I think you and I fell for the same type of woman. I was dumped by my 20 year old polish girlfriend (I am 20 as well) because she saw no future in England, in other words, she saw no future with me. 2 months ago I was in denial, like you are now, thinking that it's just a little hurdle and that you and your girlfriend will jump it and subsequently land on greener pastures. That is not the case. Break up with this girl.

If she even remotely cared for you then she would have sat you down and she would have asked for your help. She did not do this, she is only thinking about her life and if she was truly in love with you then she would be thinking about both your lives.

The people who have replied to your post are pretty much the same people who replied to mine (you can read it if you wish, it is under the love category and was posted in December) and I can tell you that these wonderful people are realists, they won't tell you what you want to hear, they will however give you the true perspective of an outsider and try to help you.

Imagine you go to Poland and things don't work out with this girl, you'll be in a foreign country with absolutely no idea what's going on and you'll inevitably make your back to England and you'll be left with no job and no money. Is this risk really worth taking for a woman who talked about finding a new man right in front of you? Do not leave your great career behind for this girl, believe me it is not worth it. The fact that you are having doubts is enough, you know what your instincts and your gut are telling you. You'll be sad for a couple of months after breaking up but you'll quickly realise that you have made the right decision. Stay strong buddy.


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