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I have a crush on my boyfriend's Polish friend ( advice needed )


princessa 1 | 13
20 Jan 2014  #1
Hello everyone

this might be pretty long and complicated

i need some advice really, and plz dont say stupid and mean things.

i have a boyfriend , meet him when he was 16 and i was 24 , its a very long story, bout me being in a relationship with a violent guy and he kinda helped me away with his family. so things took a step to another. and today we been together for 5 years and have to children.

our relationship isnt really good. hes now 21 and he drink like everyday so we argue alot.

anyways last year his polish friend came to our country(not poland) to try work and stay here, after 6 months or so he went home to poland, and then he came back this last summer..

i have never thought about him as anything more than my bf's friend.. but then all of a sudden, he came more around and visit and so on and something just happend and i got my eye up for him, he doesnt speak my language, maybe very few words, and no english either, and i doesnt speak polish but i understand alot tho.

well as the time flew by i thought more and more about this guy, i noticed him looking at me and looked away wehn i saw it, we gave me some looks and started to be loud and laugh alot around friend, and then look at me like did you notice meee.. oh well. there was this one time i sent him sms in polish because he was helping with something he had to make for our home., he sent me ;) smileys like that, saying i was a good lady, but thats it..

theres many more things i analyzed for him to be interrested, but he seems shy and i think if he was interrested he wouldnt say duing respect to my bf and kids..

now its been 8 months since i started to think about him allll the time.. dream about him.. its really bad.. and i feel bad to my bf for thinking like that, as i never would cheat on him tho..

i would leave if i ever wanted to cheat...i wrote him a letter telling him how i feel and that im not asking to be with him because i know it would be complicated but if he would then i wouldnt say no. but that i only wrote this letter to get this thought of my chest as i cant talk to anyone about it,

well my bf's drinking problem got worse, to i mailed this guy asking for his help to talk to him, because i know he respect him , he mailed me back that he knew about this and he already mentioned it to him many times. and he promised that when he came on visit he would try talk to him again, and he came today :P

so he came to our house this evening. i was shakeing so much i had to put down my coffee :/ couldnt barely look at him , and at same time i felt like just jump over to him hehe.

after he left my bf tells me that he found a gf with a little baby.. and i was like :'(

i dont know if its true or not, but yea sucks. even tho i want him to be happy. when he went out he looked me in the eyes like. we were talking but still not saying a word.. hard to explain.. like he knew all this..

now im thinking. should i tell him how i feel... now he got a gf. and would reject my feelings, then i maybe could move on and try forget him, and feel good that i know he now knows.. or let it be and feel sad everyday .. i would give my arm away for jus get a tiiiiny hug from him. thats how bad i feel.. i dont even know why.. and i never ever felt for someone like this and specially not while im ina relationship---

so yea guys.. what do you thing.. he got something for me? but holds back

should i tell him??

what... im so lost
f stop 25 | 2,513
20 Jan 2014  #2
it seems to me that your major dilemma is deciding if you want to be with your boyfriend or not.
OP princessa 1 | 13
20 Jan 2014  #3
yea, to be honest im only with him because of the kids.. and ofcause i do love him, but i found out i can feel for others, and that makes me think. andthis other guy is the only thing ive been thinkin bout since summer :(
McDouche 6 | 286
20 Jan 2014  #4
I personally stay away from guys with drinking problems. I've dated them in the past and they can be violent. Luckily, I'm a strong man and I was able to fight back in those situations. (Yes, I'm bisexual). Try getting your boyfriend some professional help.

It says in your profile you're from Denmark. The men in your country are incredibly sexy I must say.
OP princessa 1 | 13
20 Jan 2014  #5
hehe polish men are sexier )

well i tried to tell him he got a problem, and so have others but he doesnt see it, so its a bit hard to get him help... he have never touched me tho, and im 99% sure he never would...
Wulkan - | 3,251
20 Jan 2014  #6
so yea guys.. what do you thing.. he got something for me? but holds back

should i tell him??

just have an honest coversation with him

Yes, I'm bisexual

not bicurious?
OP princessa 1 | 13
20 Jan 2014  #7
thing is he doesnt speak danish, i dont speak polish. and he doesn't speak english.. soo i will have to get someone to translate a letter for me..

but what would he think, if he got it??? would he think im an idiot . what if he also felt for me? what is he told my bf.. im scared. but i so wanna let him know..
PlasticPole 7 | 2,649
20 Jan 2014  #8
When I was with my bf I eventually got bored and started crushing on other guys. I left my bf and tried to pursue this one and it didn't work out. Whatever you decide, stay in touch with your bf.
OP princessa 1 | 13
20 Jan 2014  #9
its not that im bored, well a little.. but ive had the chance to get a crush on very hot guys, but thing is im not like that , bored or not.. but its different with this guy, and of cause i will keep contact with him if i leave or he does. we have kids together, so im kinda forced hehe.

and its not like i expect or really want to have a relationship with the other guy.. i just want him to know how i feel for my own sake so i dont have to keep this secret to myself for good, because its driving me crazy to think about everyday and not being able to talk or do anything.
Meathead 5 | 470
20 Jan 2014  #10
should i tell him??

No, he's got a girlfriend. Leave him at it. You're just obsessing over someone you don't know very well. Your relationship with your current boyfriend is a totally different situation and you have to see if you want to stay with him or not.
PlasticPole 7 | 2,649
20 Jan 2014  #11
She just wants to find out what he would do if she told him. It is all reliant on how he feels about this girlfriend. Might as well tell him and see. If he is in love with his girlfriend, he won't be interested in your advances. If he doesn't love her, he will welcome them.
OP princessa 1 | 13
20 Jan 2014  #12
No, he's got a girlfriend. Leave him at it. You're just obsessing over someone you don't know very well. Your relationship with your current boyfriend is a totally different situation and you have to see if you want to stay with him or not.

im not obsessed :) i just have normal feelings for this guy hehe.. but i understand you, but i was thinking now he got a gf , would be a good time to tell as hes is with her and not would welcome my feelings and at that point i wouldnt mess everything up..

She just wants to find out what he would do if she told him. It is all reliant on how he feels about this girlfriend. Might as well tell him and see. If he is in love with his girlfriend, he won't be interested in your advances. If he doesn't love her, he will welcome them.

yea exactly, i just need to get this thoughts out, its not like i can tell people about this, because my bf would know then, so in all those months i have been hiding this to my self, and thats pretty hard, and cause many sleepless nights, if this guy really liked me and wanted to fight for this, then i would leave my bf for him.. no doubt about that. even tho i dont know him well, its a chance i gotta take.. what if he was the love of my life? then i let him go by...
SingleFemale 2 | 55
20 Jan 2014  #13
No, he's got a girlfriend. Leave him at it.

I agree. Best not to mess up someone else's relationship. Try to get over it.(yes, I'm basing it on experience). Avoid the Polish if you can. (easier said than done, but it can be done if you really want to).

I think you better concentrate on deciding whether you want to stay with your boyfriend or not. Have a serious talk with him, and see if both of you can still salvage and improve the relationship, especially since you have children. Because even though you have kids, if you are no longer happy with him, sooner or later, both your behavior and his will be very obvious to the kids and they will be the ones affected most. Besides, it's no use being in a relationship if you are no longer happy with him.
chrison2wheels 2 | 15
20 Jan 2014  #14
Well, maybe he is not into you and just made up the story about his new girlfriend just to get you off his back. If he was interested in you, even if he had a new girl, he would keep his mouth shut about her keeping all options open. It's simple, the man of your dreams is not into you. Sorry for being rude.
OP princessa 1 | 13
20 Jan 2014  #15
yea you might be right. he didnt tell me tho.. he told my bf and then my bf he told me. , and to get me of his bakc? he dont even know im into him hehe..

also i dont wanna mess up his new "relationship" im not into become his girlfriend, all i mean by this is really just to get rid of this secret for my own sake, by telling him, and also make clear im not into messing anythin up for him, i just need to move forward, and i cant as long as i keep this to myself all the time.

im at that point with my bf that im only with him because of the kids. all the stupid things he have done, you all would just be like WTF if i wrote it. and think im stupid for staying.. but its easier said than done
Crow 137 | 7,648
20 Jan 2014  #16
I have a crush on my boyfriend's Polish friend ( advice needed )

Lady, cool yourself in cold water. That as a first move. Then, go to Church and pray. Avoid sin!

/put cross on yourself/
Rysavy 10 | 308
20 Jan 2014  #17
im not into become his girlfriend, all i mean by this is really just to get rid of this secret for my own sake, by telling him, and also make clear im not into messing anything up for him, i just need to move forward, and i cant as long as i keep this to myself all the time.

Who are you trying to convince here? You are not doing ANYONE any favors lying to yourself.
There would be NO possible reason in the world to put forward in words to him that you think he's hot/interesting/cute or whatever or even give it more than 3 seconds of thought in the day.. unless you want him in your secret heart. Same mechanics as of being in the friend zone. You were correct in your first subject line... you are CRUSHING on your PARTNER's FRIENDwho btw is not single.

The thing to do is give up obsessing on it, finish the relationship that you have and then decide what you want from life and a partner

And one thing I can say true of the few polish/polish descent men I know (friends, my fiance and an ex...) If they are interested in you personally (not simply ogling your attributes)... you will have no doubt. If they set their sites on you, they will pursue you. Even if you are not 100% available (unless they are uber traditional which my friend drew was not). So it is likely the Polish fellow is not interested enough in THAT way.

Not to mean, but I don't think many are going to think this is a good thing. What you are contemplating will net only drama...

I suggest highly you bite the bullet ,concentrate on your children and what is best for them. If you do not want to stay any longer with your partner, the longer you wait the harder it will be on the children. A happier parent is a benefit for children , that is a truth , but they and what affects them should still be prioritized first. And that means you pursuing a happier relationship in a healthy method.
PlasticPole 7 | 2,649
20 Jan 2014  #18
Best not to mess up someone else's relationship.

If the guy loves his girlfriend how is she going to mess up the relationship? You can't mess something up that isn't already about to break. If he loves his girlfriend he won't be interested.
local_fela 17 | 172
20 Jan 2014  #19
well, best thing is- have fun with the friend. If you like 3some, then speak to your bf! you might get love from both sides! and you wont lose any of them
crochetbitch88 2 | 83
20 Jan 2014  #20
thing is he doesnt speak danish, i dont speak polish. and he doesnt speak english..

Long time ago I saw a movie, I can't remember the title, about a woman and a man who never spoke to each other and were only meeting to make love. I always find it fascinating - that connection between people that is beyond words, words always separate. One can't have a serious relatioship without words though
OP princessa 1 | 13
20 Jan 2014  #21
well, best thing is- have fun with the friend. If you like 3some, then speak to your bf! you might get love from both sides! and you wont lose any of them

i wouldnt cheat on my bf like that, if i wanted to be with someone else i would leave him first. so no 3some lol

Who are you trying to convince here?

im not lying to myself first of all.

you say theres no reason to tell... how would you know if he really was interested , but is holding back during respect to his friend and my kids, and he dont wanna lose his friend ?

and you may be right. it might cause drama, if he told my bf i wrote a letter to him telling, or if he was interested and i left my bf for him.

but lets say i told him in a letter, and he said it was cute but hes not interested, then i would 100% accept it. and in that letter i wouldnt even ask him to be mine, its just a letter with my feelings. no offers!. and if he rejected me, it maybe would help me to move on , .. if he said he have been thinking the same, it was a completely different reaction than i would expect. and i would be ina big mess, but then i would be glad i wrote to him, cause what if i never did if he felt the same. now that would suck to know someday...

this guy is in his 30's so i doubt he would be the type to start a big drama.

time ago I saw a movie, I can't remember the title, about a woman and a man who never spoke to each other and were only meeting to make love. I always find it fascinating - that connection between people that is beyond words, words always separate. One can't have a serious relationship without words though

hehe sounds crazy, love without words is possible..i know.. i wouldnt want him just to bang bang with him tho,.
im sure if i ended up with him we would be able to speak somehow. as we now have been writing a little in polish. so im not worried about that :)
crochetbitch88 2 | 83
20 Jan 2014  #22
i wouldnt want him just to bang bang with him tho,

they didn't just bang bang, they were making love, that what was so beautiful about it. I think I could do that if only I was sure that the person would not talk to me, words make things complicated. But people always want to talk.

Lady, cool yourself in cold water

that made me laugh so much :D :D
enkidu 7 | 623
21 Jan 2014  #23
Most Polish guys I know, believe in the "bros before hoes" principle.
In other words - You just don't screw your friend's wife or girlfriend.

Other thing - there is a fat chance that your "Polish love" is a Roman Catholic.
Taking father away from children, being a "family crusher" is not something that would be treated lightly by the priest-confessor.

In my opinion you stand no chance.

You are ready to deprive your children of their father. You are prepared to spoil the years of friendship between your bf and this Polish guy.

You are ready to ruin everything and for what? For a guy that can not even speak to you.
Madness.
PlasticPole 7 | 2,649
21 Jan 2014  #24
She and her bf already have issues. Maybe some couples counseling would help? There's a growing lack of intimacy here.
local_fela 17 | 172
21 Jan 2014  #25
Most Polish guys I know, believe in the "bros before hoes" principle.

the other half do it a different way.

Other thing - there is a fat chance that your "Polish love" is a Roman Catholic.
Taking father away from children, being a "family crusher" is not something that would be treated lightly by the priest-confessor.

you mean to say that this never happened in Poland then. I don't think you should bring religion into it. Its not cool.

want him just to bang bang with him tho,

come on! just go for it! make yourself happy and see where you are after this. if you think that he is the man, then go for him, if not, go back with your little boy!
SingleFemale 2 | 55
21 Jan 2014  #26
I still say you try to sort out your relationship with your bf first. If it doesn't work out, fine, then try to have an amicable separation if only for your kids. After that move on. Best to try to forget though your Polish crush as he is in a relationship with someone else. You will just be getting into a messy situation by trying to get in their way. Try to avoid him at all costs.

If the guy loves his girlfriend how is she going to mess up the relationship? You can't mess something up that isn't already about to break. If he loves his girlfriend he won't be interested.

That is "IF" the guy loves his girlfriend enough.
OP princessa 1 | 13
21 Jan 2014  #27
my bf is polish as well. and the other guy isnt really religious (cant spell) hehe
if you read my first post ud see that im aware that i wont have a relationship with this guy, this is about me keeping these feelings to myself and its driving me crazy, and i HAVE tried to forget, but i cant, and this guy went back home to poland tonight ,and im just sitting here being really sad to be honest, and its so stupid.. all i want is for him to know, so i can get this heavy stone of my chest by him just knowing. im not asking for anything at all..

She and her bf already have issues. Maybe some couples counseling would help? There's a growing lack of intimacy here.

yea we have issues, he drink a little to much, he doesnt take time to his kids or me for that sake, all he do is drink **** eat and work. and sleep. ,, and no lack of sex tho. we gets what he needs ;)

come on! just go for it! make yourself happy and see where you are after this. if you think that he is the man, then go for him, if not, go back with your little boy!

if hes the man.. if he lived here, and i was isngle and he was, trust me i would have told him ages ago.... i just have to think about that i now have a man and he is in a new relationship.

and i dont want no drama going on, and im no cheater either.. if he wanted me i would leave my bf first..... but i wrote him a letter about all this, im just 2 scared to send it.. :/
SingleFemale 2 | 55
21 Jan 2014  #28
And after he learns of your feelings for him, what's next?When you have sent him a letter detailing all your feelings for him, do you think you will be at peace? Yes, you do not have any intention of messing up a relationship but do you think if the gf learns of it will it not be a cause of strife between them?

I hate to say this, but whether you admit it or not, you want to tell him your feelings because you(subconsciously) also want to know how he feels for you when he learns of your feelings for him-how he will react, and what would be his next move(does he have feelings for you too? will he choose his gf over you?. etc., etc.)

You should instead divert your attention to more important issues such as your kids and your relationship with your bf. If your bf won't change for good, then leave him and start over with your kids(away from the bf and away from the other guy).

I am more or less in the same dilemma because the guy I like also is in a relationship but I won't make any effort to tell him my feelings simply because he is in a relationship(nevermind if the relationship is in the brink of breaking up). If I were you I'd do the same-THINK SENSIBLY, DEAR.
OP princessa 1 | 13
21 Jan 2014  #29
well first, im sure he wont leave any girlfriend, well i cant be sure but theres many things that would make a relationship with him difficult.. it could work, but wouldnt be any easy. so thats why i would let him not for MY sake cuz i know i wont be with him, but i would feel peace thats my secret is out, i feel so ****** everyday going around ans miss him, thinkin bout him and so on, its horrible, and i really tried to forget him.

and theres no issues with my kids :) they are doing well as always... and problems with my bf is not easy to solve but im trying, so i ammm dealing with that beside this so no worries.

but yes it would be nice to hear the same from him, but if he felt that, he would most likely say, yes i did feel for you too but i was holding back and i am now in a relationship, or something like that, and i would respect that as i never expected anything from him. he have sent lots of hints during the time, that he could be interested tho....

...

and in your case, if you knew the guy you like , that his relationship was ****, then why not tell him, if he felt the same, and he at the same time could get away from a bad relationship, and what if he really was your true love, why miss that chance?

if things was like that for me that i would have told..
SingleFemale 2 | 55
22 Jan 2014  #30
and theres no issues with my kids :) they are doing well as always... and problems with my bf is not easy to solve but im trying, so i ammm dealing with that beside this so no worries.

Well and good then. The kids should always be top priority; the bf.....yes, any problem can be solved with a serious talk.(unless he's stubborn enough not to want to change for the better....)

but yes it would be nice to hear the same from him, but if he felt that, he would most likely say, yes i did feel for you too but i was holding back and i am now in a relationship, or something like that, and i would respect that as i never expected anything from him. he have sent lots of hints during the time, that he could be interrested tho....

It's your call, though I can assure you that if you do discover that he has feelings for you as well...then you will never be at peace.Because it is hard enough already knowing that he is in a relationship; it will be undoubtedly harder knowing that he has feelings for both of you and yet both of you are still with your current partners.

and in your case, if you knew the guy you like , that his relationship was ****, then why not tell him, if he felt the same, and he at the same time could get away from a bad relationship, and what if he really was your true love, why miss that chance?

if things was like that for me that i would have told..

Not possible for me, dear. I see the guy almost everyday and if he indeed(as he claims) issues with his gf, he can sort it out himself(fix it or leave her) without me meddling. I don't want to have a guilty conscience. Besides, his life is complicated as it is, I don't want him to complicate my life as well.


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