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What do I do? Children of my Polish lady are depending on me for money.


Rameses 1 | 1
6 Sep 2010 #1
I am British, nearly 62 years old, and have been married twice.

In 2006 I met a Polish lady 10 years older than me on the internet. It turned out that her daughter and future son-in-law were already living near me and she was planning to come over to the UK herself.

I met her twice before she came over to live with me, in January 2007. She lived with me (just the two of us together) until November when, as a temporary measure, we all moved in together in a rented house. In January 2008 the daughter and son-in-law lost their jobs within two months of one another.

Since then the son-in-law has got a job as a bus driver and the daughter set up her own business with money given to her by her mother which she, in turn, had been left by her own mother when she died in September 2008. The business has not been a succes and, between them, the daughter and son-in-law have racked up massive debts - at a guess -well over £30,000. Creditors are chasing them at every turn and they duck and dive and use every trick in the book to avoid facing their creditors.

My partner works 6 days a week and spends a lot of her earnings on helping the two of them out. She gives me money towards rent and bills but it still only about 20% of the total monthly expenditure. She is a good woman but is incredibly soft and does everything her daughter (who is very demanding and arrogant) asks of her. She (the daughter) has a wonderful ability to turn on the tears when she wants something. I my partner is actually scared of her for some reason.

I feel like I am in an impossible situation, sometimes I just want to leave them all and start a new life - another I feel so sorry for my partner as, if I were to do that, she would have nobody as her mother is dead, she has no contact with her one brother back in Poland and her daughter treats her like dirt much of the time. I have tried talking with her and her daughter but it is like hitting a brick wall. Neither of them want to face reality and I feel like whilst I just go on supporting them all financially (which is what I am effectively doing) nothing will ever change. The two "lodgers" are never going to be able to rent a place of their own with their abysmal credit record - any credit check would make a prospective landlord run a mile (1.6 kilometres!)

This is just a brief summary of the history of the situation and there is much, much more I could write and tell but this is the gist of it.

I am at my wit's end and just can't make a decision about what to do. Has anyone else any experience of anything like this?

Any advice/guidance/thoughts would be welcome.
Bzibzioh
6 Sep 2010 #2
I am at my wit's end and just can't make a decision about what to do.

I know you are afraid to be lonely but RUN, just run. Your lady friend will always be manipulated by her daughter so don't even bother talking to her: you will only make her mad. Let her go so you will have peace of mind.
wildrover 98 | 4,451
7 Sep 2010 #3
It seems that you have two choices..put up with things the way they are...or get the hell out of it...

I can,t see the situation changing at all , unless you change it...

As i see it , there are three people who are depending on you for money , directly or indirectly , and they are sure as hell not going to do very much about it unless you give them a reason too.....

They need to get professional help to sort out the debts , and you need to make it very clear that you cannot go on supporting them all...

Tricky situation...best of luck with it...
Pinching Pete - | 558
7 Sep 2010 #4
Neither of them want to face reality

Yeah well you said it right there.. They're not your blood; I would cut ties. Good luck with it though. I wouldn't worry too much .. What the hell you're not legally obligated to them or something.
plk123 8 | 4,149
7 Sep 2010 #5
but RUN, just run.

well said.. you'll never get peace unless you "save" yourself. good luck
Zed - | 195
7 Sep 2010 #6
Well.... he's not exactly 25 to start over... so I'd say, while it's tough to make a decision in this case, he needs to understand what counts more for him.... As someone said: coffins do not have pockets
f stop 25 | 2,513
7 Sep 2010 #7
Do you have enough money to continue this way? Sometimes things look like they'll never get better, then they do. Jobs, far away, are found, etc. Families do help each other through rough times..

Have you told your partner that you're looking for a way out? Maybe she's looking for a way out herself but is too weak to make an ultimatum.

Have you told her daughter that if she does not find other accomodations, you might have to leave her mother?
Is having these people around better than being alone?
Eurola 4 | 1,906
7 Sep 2010 #8
I know it is easier said than done, but a polish mother will help her daughter first before taking you under any consideration. If you don't want to have your heart broken and feel like an outsider -just leave or tell her to leave.
OP Rameses 1 | 1
8 Sep 2010 #9
Thank you everyone who has replied so far for your advice and comments. I know that, at the end of the day, I have to decide one way or the other, nobody else can do that for me.

Things look like turning even more complicated now as my partners' one friend in Poland, a lady about my age, looks like she may be about to lose her husband, who is very ill in hospital in Wroclaw. As she has no family in Poland and her son lives in the USA, her daughter in Australia, my partner is now talking about having her come over to the UK as well. She also has some health problems of her own.

She does have a property over there which is worth quite a lot of money which she could sell and which would provide enough cash to buy a small home here but she speaks no English and would be reliant on us (probably mostly me in truth) to sort everything out and deal with stuff for her. I just don't feel I want to take her problems on as well at my age, especially as I have suffered quite a lot of stress in my life already.

Perhaps selfishly, I just want a quiet life!
plk123 8 | 4,149
8 Sep 2010 #10
I just want a quiet life!

nothing wrong with that.
mafketis 24 | 9,126
8 Sep 2010 #11
At present you're enabling a lot of bad behavior. If you stop supporting them, they might find another, better way of dealing with their problems so they don't all end up at your feet. Or they might not, but at present they have no reason to try.

Either give an ultimatum or just get out.
poland_
8 Sep 2010 #12
I feel like I am in an impossible situation, sometimes I just want to leave them all and start a new life - another I feel so sorry for my partner as, if I were to do that, she would have nobody as her mother is dead, she has no contact with her one brother back in Poland and her daughter treats her like dirt much of the time.

The question I have is why should the relationship between your partner and you end because of two other people. If your partner is in the age range of 50-60, she will have seen and experienced a lot in Poland. In Poland the family is everything and your partner will provide for her daughter until the day she dies, and the daughter will take constantly, she believes she is doing nothing wrong,it is just the Polish way. The only person to change the situation is you, you could find another house/flat that is only big enough for you and your partner and assist the couple in finding their own place, even if you have to be the co-signee, you may not be aware but it is not uncommon in Poland, for two families to live together in just a three room flat of 45 mtrs, just remember you can choose your friends,but you can't choose your family and you are family now and that comes with responsibility in Poland.
rich55 3 | 49
13 Sep 2010 #13
Something that you might think about too is that you are listed at the same address as the people in debt which might do your own credit rating some damage. Banks and credit reference agencies have huge computer databases which link people and addresses to each other.


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