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Love without chemistry? (Asian in love with a Polish woman)


zuczek 3 | 52
27 Jun 2010 #121
I can base my opinion of them by their repeated stressing of what they "need" and "want". It's easy. She has clearly pointed out she is someone with unrealistic notions of what love is and you have as well.

Good try with the turning it on me thing. The only thing I am aggravated about when it comes to young people is how they never listen and think they know everything.

I am just giving my view and experience and am not going to play your internet games dtaylor. You can take it or leave it but the attempt to try and discredit my opinion buy claiming I have some related "issue" that makes my view wrong is silly and childish.
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240
27 Jun 2010 #122
How long have you been married zuczek? Are you married? I'm not after a shag buddy but i think that it's only right to find someone who cares about you as well as giving you fuzzy feelings. Have you forgotten what it's like to be young? Even if the sex life gets a bit less exciting over time you still have the memories and you can always refresh them when you see fit. All i'm saying is that in my opinion it's essential. And i'd rather die alone than be stuck in a rut with someone who doesn't make my heart beat faster. Might as well get a dog or a cat and cuddle up to them instead of having a husband who is not interested in physical stuff and who thinks that a 'spritual bond' is enough. Lol please, i think you are the one living in a fairytale and there are things your old married friends are not telling you.
zuczek 3 | 52
27 Jun 2010 #123
I should have known better. Get on with your all knowing selves then. Really. It makes no difference to me. I was just commenting because I saw so much drivel that I know from experience is not realistic. But like all things with humans we normally need to learn it first hand. Going back and forth here won't help anyone and will just lead to more nonsense. You are free to think and act however you like. Beauty of choice.

Best of luck.
southern 75 | 7,096
27 Jun 2010 #124
I don't see any future with a Polka if she has not proposed marriage on second date.Just kidding.
dtaylor5632 18 | 2,007
27 Jun 2010 #125
unrealistic

I'm sorry, but who are you to tell us WHAT exactly love is? If you really do have an older head on your shoulders, then you would know that love is different to every person.

Good try with the turning it on me thing. The only thing I am aggravated about when it comes to young people is how they never listen and think they know everything.

Then maybe think that the "advice" you are giving them is wrong if you label ALL young people to be naive, it's not a 12 year old you're talking to. Rather than getting your knickers in a twist about it...

I was just commenting because I saw so much drivel that I know from experience is not realistic.

Exactly, your experience. What might work for you, might not work for others. If you think that, then I'd say you were the one being naive.
zuczek 3 | 52
27 Jun 2010 #126
There is a reason you are not happy. And it has nothing to do with a curmudgeon disagreeing with you online. Think about it. Best of luck.
southern 75 | 7,096
27 Jun 2010 #127
Today for example I lost a Polka because instead of pulling out my iPhone to write her number I pulled a brand old Nokia which I keep in case battery switches off.Chemistry switched off as well when the Polka saw the nokia.
dtaylor5632 18 | 2,007
27 Jun 2010 #128
There is a reason you are not happy.

Again, when did I state I was not happy?
OP gg4
27 Jun 2010 #129
Love is not a blooming product you buy off the shelf. Whatever you're smoking, pass it on mate. Otherwise stop trying to delude yourself. I'm guessing from not reading this thread that you are chasing a Polish lass who has given you the cold shoulder... shame

You're guessing from NOT reading this thread? How come you do that? Love is not a product, so what is it? Is it a product of two people's clicking with each other? Is it a product of chemistry spark? Is it a product of taking care of each other? Is it a product of the highest emotion and feelings?

a bond between a mother and her children and a romantic feeling between two grown up people are two VERY different things

Yes, they're different kinds. But they have things in common. I am mentioning the common aspect, not the different one. It is: LOVE HAS TO BE EARNED, NOT TAKEN FOR GRANTED.

Life and love are complicated. Divorce or not to divorce, that's the question!

That has to be some of the biggest psycho bollocks I've heard on this forum :

So, what's the smallest bollocks in this forums? Or everything is a biggest one to you?

I will take the word of those who I know who have been together for 30-50 years and have been mostly happy.

Another great quote of the day !
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240
27 Jun 2010 #130
Hey you didn't answer me, if you know so much about love than are you married and how long have you been married for? I don't care how old you are, just because you're older doesn't mean you're right. You seem to be from a different era and you sound very bitter towards the young generation.
dtaylor5632 18 | 2,007
27 Jun 2010 #131
So, what's the smallest bollocks in this forums? Or everything is a biggest one to you?

There is a lot of bollocks on this thread, that was the biggest one. I'm sure you can out do yourself again though;)
southern 75 | 7,096
27 Jun 2010 #132
LOVE HAS TO BE EARNED

Unfortunately women's love is very expensive.You can get only some pieces in best case.
blueboy 2 | 34
27 Jun 2010 #133
What a really pointless thread! Don't you muppets realise that Love can never be analysed! It's just SO personal to everyone of us and we all decipher it in different ways!
southern 75 | 7,096
27 Jun 2010 #134
I try not to have blue balls for long time.
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240
27 Jun 2010 #135
Don't you muppets realise that Love can never be analysed! It's just SO personal to everyone of us and we all decipher it in differnet ways!

nobody's trying to analyze love in here, just saying that if the OP's ladyfriend blatantly told him she's happy to live with him without any romantic feelings involved then it is not love and you can't make someone feel it if they don't want to.
zuczek 3 | 52
27 Jun 2010 #136
Answering you will accomplish nothing. You are just searching for more to try and twist or throw back at me. In fact at this point I can't win at all because if I do not reply you will just make something up assuming what that means. You have already made a decision about what you believe is right and are not interested in points of view...only validation.

Tis the internet...nothing changes.

Figure it out...or don't. It doesn't matter to me beyond that fact I felt like posting my opinion.

Carry on.
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240
27 Jun 2010 #137
Assumptions are easily made, especially when you come here and preach to other people yet you have nothing to say for yourself and have no examples from your OWN life to support your theories. So technically you're wrong too and you failed. You sound very bitter, very defensive, and being old and wise as you claim you should know that talking in a condescending manner to other people will not earn you respect or help you to be taken seriously. Your only arguement is "Because i'm older and i say so". Your vision of love is a vision of someone who is tired with everything, tired with life, who just wants to come home to a warm dinner, watch some telly and talk about what your day was like etc. Can you not see how a twenty-something year old would not be happy with it? If not then you seriously forgot what it's like to be young and it's very sad. I have years in front of me to make the right and wrong choices and to be honest i don't even want to settle down yet, have kids and grow old. I'd rather live now instead of being in my 50s and thinking about all the things i could've done and people i could've met. Dont't talk down to me or anyone else just because you think you know best. You made mistakes and something's gone wrong but i'm not calling you a stupid old fart am i?
OP gg4
27 Jun 2010 #138
I totally agree with you guys. What I want to know, and why I created this thread, is that: you don't have chemistry with sb at the beginning, b/c of physical appearance. However, could you feel like to have intimacy with that person, including sex, later on because of all the care, trust, understanding, that person make to you. I mean real intimacy that make your heart beat faster, not the one from empathy. On one side is sex out of physical appearance/ chemistry - which most of you believe in; The other side is sex out of emotions, life experiences and maturity (without physical attractiveness), that takes time to build up and has to be created - which most of you don't believe in?

This is the point of this thread.
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240
27 Jun 2010 #139
So you're just asking whether you can get this woman to sleep with you or not then lol? Listen, looks are not everything as they say but everyone of us have at least one good thing about their looks. Confidence is key, i know men who are not exactly lookers but make up for that with their charisma, sense of humour, personality - and women love it. So what if you look like a movie star if you open your mouth and you sound like a moron?

I don't really know your ladyfriend and what she's like but you can try putting a bit more effort into your appearance, dress well and smell good and instead of being a devoted friend, flirt with her and make her laugh. It really is that simple!
beckski 12 | 1,617
27 Jun 2010 #140
I don't see any future with a Polka if she has not proposed marriage on second date

How about if she waits til the 3rd date? Lol
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240
27 Jun 2010 #141
where the hell does he pick up these girls?????
OP gg4
27 Jun 2010 #142
I'd rather live now instead of being in my 50s and thinking about all the things i could've done and people i could've met. Dont't talk down to me or anyone else just because you think you know best. You made mistakes and something's gone wrong but i'm not calling you a stupid old fart am i?

You'll be there soon. Twenty some years is as fast as a blink. You will likely change your thoughts then.

What a really pointless thread!

Just go away if you think it's pointless. Once you jot down sth, it does has some impact on you, either negative, or positive. If it's negative, would you try to change it, or ignore it? If it's positive, carry it on with your life.

Unfortunately women's love is very expensive.You can get only some pieces in best case

According to many opinions in this forums, it's very simple to get a woman's love: a chemistry click, physical attractiveness. However, I agree with you, women's love is very expensive, it may cost tons of diamonds. I absolutely could only get some very tiny pieces.

There is a lot of bollocks on this thread, that was the biggest one. I'm sure you can out do yourself again though

I am always trying to out do myself. I am glad that you could spot out that one sentence out of thousands in this forums, sth to remember after all. Thanks for your comment.

I don't really know your ladyfriend and what she's like but you can try putting a bit more effort into your appearance, dress well and smell good and instead of being a devoted friend, flirt with her and make her laugh. It really is that simple!

Every individual has his/her own talents. It sounds simple to you, but quite difficult for others. However, you're right. I need more perfumes, fancy clothes, jokes, all the spicy things. I am not good at that, but will try.
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240
27 Jun 2010 #143
It sounds simple to you, but quite difficult for others.

i imagine it is, but you need to, like you said, make an effort and most of all learn to like and accept yourself

I need more perfumes, fancy clothes, jokes, all the spicy things. I am not good at that, but will try.

try it and you never know, you might enjoy it and find you have heaps of confidence and much more to offer to a woman than just being a good friend. don't ponder to her every need either and make her work a little for what she gets from you too.

You'll be there soon. Twenty some years is as fast as a blink. You will likely change your thoughts then.

i dont really think that far ahead but i'll make the most of it and maybe write a book about all my ups and downs lol... i already wasted enough time trying to make other people happy more than making myself happy. that's why if anything i'd rather be alone, and no i'm not bitter and won't ever be :)
shush 1 | 212
27 Jun 2010 #144
I think you all people are right. There are many kinds of relationships. Some people fall in love madly after second or third date, some people build their relationship over time, they realise they love a person after being friends for many years. But what zuczek said is right - if a relationship is to be for long term it needs to be based on friendship. You can be physically attracted to someone whom u dont trust but in long run you cant make a working relationship with the person. In any case there needs to be physical attraction; for some people it come with time, some people are attracted straight away, again - it depends on the people.
OP gg4
27 Jun 2010 #145
Sounds reasonable.

i imagine it is, but you need to, like you said, make an effort and most of all learn to like and accept yourself

I do. I like and accept myself. I am just trying to build a little more muscles!

why if anything i'd rather be alone, and no i'm not bitter and won't ever be

How long could you be alone? Let say a few years. And then sb not physically attractive to you then approach you. He's smart, patient, caring, may be a little wealthy. He's by your side in the bad times. He's willing to sacrifice his priorities to take care of you. He takes you out to dinner, listen to romantic musics. He told you good jokes, make you laugh. How would you feel then? When he whispers into your ears, the perfume he's put on is so sweet, is your heart gonna beat faster, or are you thinking " he's ugly, I have no chemistry, stop!".
southern 75 | 7,096
27 Jun 2010 #146
don't ponder to her every need either and make her work a little for what she gets from you too.

I make them work.Really hard.
A J 4 | 1,088
27 Jun 2010 #147
50% Americans divorce in 1st marriage. Another 30% -40% divorce in 2nd marriage. I guess those could be benefit learning from you what a relationship should be about. There's no single formula for a relationship.

Thank you for illustrating my point, because a lot of these marriages are based on convenience, security, materialistic needs and social status, instead of the more important factors like personality and love, which is exactly why I was trying to tell you that you can't ever hope to buy a woman's heart. Ofcourse you should continue to ignore her feelings completely, and just pretend to be happily married, because I'm the naive and young guy who never wants to listen, right?

I am glad that most of you don't agree with my arguments. Because most people know the common sense about what a relationship should be, and look at the statistics of divorce. So, something different from the common sense may work, don't you think?

You couldn't be more wrong, because that 'something different' is exactly what makes most of those marriages and relationships fail in the first place. Ofcourse there's no single formula for any relationship, because we're talking about people here, but you simply can't ever ignore feelings when it comes to relationships.

I didn't mean a question. I meant an affirmation in interrogative form. The kind that politicians want to use.

It's okay to make mistakes, really.

;)

Great advice. Thanks. Last night there was a party next door. The smell of BBQ and perfumes mixed together coming from my neighbor's backyard was so unique. I will do that some time.

Well, a little effort doesn't hurt anyone, does it?

I will take the word of those who I know who have been together for 30-50 years and have been mostly happy. They know far more than young people on the internet about what true love is.

To me true love means you want the woman you like to be happy, wether she chooses to be with you or decides to try her luck with someone else. (I guess I'm not really the jealous or possessive type.) I think you should celebrate life with someone you really like, for as long as it lasts, and treasure each moment you have together. True love? It's the silence in between the notes which actually makes the music.

;)

Sure you cannot force someone who is unwilling but at the same time it requires work from both sides...it is not some magical event like most women and a lot of naive young guys would want it to be.

I'm not the daddy type, sorry. I want to help people, have fun with people and enjoy my life and do it my way. I know a lot of people would call that immature or even wrong, but I can't help I feel that way. Think of me what you will, but atleast I'm not cheating, hurting, decieving, or even lying about it, am I? I don't think there's something to be happy about when you feel trapped in a relationship, but ofcourse some people really are happy with their relationship. Which is good!

:)
OP gg4
27 Jun 2010 #148
You sound like a happy persone. Great. Not many could be that happy. You sound like you never have problem in relationship, do you? Would be great if you could share more of your experiences.

because a lot of these marriages are based on convenience, security, materialistic needs and social status, instead of the more important factors like personality and love,

No, i don't agree. Lot of these marriages were broken because they were based on chemistry. They came to each other because they simply like each other, without taking into account all the realities of life such as: convenience, security, materialistic needs and social status. When chemistry is gone, what are they going to do? For people who come to stay with each other after long time of building up trust and understanding, knowing what they want from their partners, it's more stable. Ofcourse, physical attractiveness is also important. That's why I am trying to build up some more muscles!

but you simply can't ever ignore feelings when it comes to relationships

I never ignore feelings. I just want to build it up, not from chemistry as I am not lucky in that matter, but from other factors.
f stop 25 | 2,513
27 Jun 2010 #149
He's smart, patient, caring, may be a little wealthy.

You beginning to sound a little creepy. You will not take no for an answer. Is your insistance that you can make somebody love you as strong in real life as it is here? Be careful, I think stalkers operate on the same assumption.
OP gg4
27 Jun 2010 #150
To be honest, I have to look up the dictionary to understand the meaning of creepy, stalker, as well as other words you guys are using. I just settled down in America for several years, a lot more to learn. You're very sharp, I found out that some of the stalker's characters may apply to my case. To be exact, only 3 out 8 characters applied. So, case dismissed !

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