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Aliments and abortion (I was married to a Polish guy)


natasia 3 | 368
7 Dec 2012  #31
I did everything to save our relationship though but he is now putting up a wall on me. he tells me what he wants and if i cant do it then i wont be with him. I guess ill just give all my love for our child. I really tried to tolerate everything already.

You said it. I take back what I said earlier, because I didn't have the information about him being a psychopath (I am not using that word lightly - that is what he is).

He will manipulate, force, threaten, insult and basically do anything at all to get his own way.
His own way will only ever be the whim of a moment - what he thinks he needs in order for everything to be 'ok' in his world.

You are not really you - you are just what he sees you as, and a pawn in the game. He is incapable of really caring or loving, or in any way taking your well-being and feelings into consideration.

His sadistic comments about the child and your mother are very, very clear indicators that he is a psychopath. It is possible that when the child is born he will change and transfer his 'love' to the child, but it is also possible that he will reject the child and you, or worse.

Look, he is like a loco horse, I'm afraid. He might be very attractive, very engaging, and exhilarating, but he has got something wrong with him. He is a very bad apple, however rosy he might look. He is rotten and ruined, and you should get yourself and your child absolutely as far out of his life as you can.

Actually, you should be happy and grateful that he has rejected you, because life with him would become so unbearable that your own life would be in tatters. You wouldn't be able to be your self at all, you wouldn't be able to feel happy and normal being with friends and family, and you would probably even end up in physical danger. You would go through extreme emotional pain and hardship - and for what? Making a psycho unhappy?? (because he will always ultimately be unhappy and not have what he wants - apart from when he is putting heads in the post to India for real)

So:
- Stop trying to please him and do what he wants. From this moment onwards completely stop considering his 'feelings' or what he wants.
- Do not listen to his pleading, threatening, insulting or monstrous imagined scenarios. He is sick. Switch him off like an unsavoury film. That is not your life, not your channel.

- If he is now begging re: the court and childcare, just send him a text message saying that if he agrees to 2,000 zl., that will be fine, but he will need to get that on paper at the notary within a week, otherwise the offer goes to 3,000.

I don't think you should be run out of the country because of him, but I do think you should consider very very seriously why you are in Poland, and if it is the best place for you to be. You could be in another European country, or you could be at home with your parents to start with. I can't see what support and family you have in Poland, and am not sure why you are trying to make your way there. You need to divorce him and close the chapter of your life with him. Ideally, you need to never see him again, and as far as your child is concerned, find someone else to be his or her father.

As for him accepting his other children and not yours, if that is how he has started, that will always be an issue. He is happy with what he has. He feels the child is being forced on him. And, have you considered that he might not want a mixed race child? I am not trying to say he feels like that, but you will know what his feelings are.

When he married you, he didn't know what he was doing. With his reaction to your pregnancy, he also doesn't know what he is doing. That he is a successful lawyer is horribly credible, because he doesn't have normal feelings, and everyone's lives are just a game to him. He is used to being in power, used to being able to change people's lives, and he likes that power. He doesn't like not getting what he wants.

He is a total, complete write-off, a nightmare - a hellish person. Get yourself and your family away from him. I can't say that more strongly. And yes, of course you are being abused emotionally - and there is a BIG chance that down the line, that will turn to physical abuse as well. GET OUT NOW AND BE SO HAPPY YOU ARE NOT WITH HIM. HURRAY. GO AND THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS.

And to be honest, if he doesn't even pay 1 groszek, that is still ok - what you REALLY need is for him to be GONE.

Trust me on this one. Have a care for your life, and the child's, and for your parents' happiness.
OP champchamp 1 | 21
7 Dec 2012  #32
Good work champ champ. This guy doesn't have a leg to stand on. Keep strong.

Thanks... :) I appreciate all your support here in this forum.

He will manipulate, force, threaten, insult and basically do anything at all to get his own way.
His own way will only ever be the whim of a moment - what he thinks he needs in order for everything to be 'ok' in his world.

Oh he is trying it now. we met and kind of threatened me that he will tell the court our marriage is a fiction but he really doesn't have much to prove that it's fake coz I have more to prove.

His sadistic comments about the child and your mother are very, very clear indicators that he is a psychopath. It is possible that when the child is born he will change

I already have this in mind and was almost sure of it he he. sad eh...

Look, he is like a loco horse, I'm afraid. He might be very attractive, very engaging, and exhilarating, but he has got something wrong with him. He is a very bad apple, however rosy he might look.

haha! I hate to agree but he is. He is really good looking btw but that wasnt the reason I am with him. I guess I was really trapped in his games.

Actually, you should be happy and grateful that he has rejected you, because life with him would become so unbearable that your own life would be in tatters.

you are right about it. I must be happy that im out of his life although it's not easy.

but he will need to get that on paper at the notary within a week, otherwise the offer goes to 3,000.

HE REALLY DOES NOT WANT TO DO DO IT IN THE NOTARY he said he wants just settlement that is done verbally between us two.

Trust me on this one. Have a care for your life, and the child's, and for your parents' happiness

You know I was just imagining yesterday there was the wedding, now there's this court problem.
HE is good in turning things the other way around but I had to fight back, sheesh i told him if he signs it in the notary then ill probably take back what i sued him for. he said he doesnt want anything notarized. I also told him if it wasnt because of him we werent be in this situation and now he must be fair to our child. he agreed with being fair to the child but no signed agreement. lol I told him if it's too late, then im sorry ill have to continue what has already started.

hey :) Thanks... i have a hard time seeing what kind of person he is coz of my feelings for him. I know it sounds STUPID but my mind and my feelings are always at war lol good thing there's a baby, that's a plus to my mind.
f stop 25 | 2,513
7 Dec 2012  #33
I have one nagging question Champ:
did you know he did not want any kids before you got pregnant?
Lenka 2 | 1,409
7 Dec 2012  #34
he said he wants just settlement that is done verbally between us two.

Of corse he does.Oral agreements are legal but they are hard to prove.

did you know he did not want any kids before you got pregnant?

I wondered the same thing but not in the way I think you're suggesting.If you;re suggesting that she trapped him there's one easy solution-use condom.Besides-she was already married to him.

Champchamp-that's a good question.Did he tell you he dislakes kids?
OP champchamp 1 | 21
8 Dec 2012  #35
did you know he did not want any kids before you got pregnant?

I know he does not want it with in 5 years but he never said he never wanted one. what can I do? **** happens. I also wasnt ready for this but i wont cancel what's already there

I wondered the same thing but not in the way I think you're suggesting.If you;re suggesting that she trapped him there's one easy solution-use condom.Besides-she was already married to him.

I was on contraceptives btw :) but there's a story behind it. we agreed on no baby for the next 5-10 years. i was ok with it. once he left our luggage for a short trip that's how it started. even d doctor counted the days... it always fell on the ways when i skipped this contracep pills coz it was in the luggage that was left. See how small mistake can break some things? hehe but no regrets :) I love the child.

He told me he dislikes baby boys but i never heard him say he hates mixed baby
natasia 3 | 368
8 Dec 2012  #36
he will tell the court our marriage is a fiction but he really doesn't have much to prove that it's fake coz I have more to prove.

That seems a bit odd to me. I mean, he is a lawyer - so why would he think he could show a court that the marriage wasn't real?? Did you get married in Poland and do you have a marriage certificate to prove this, and entry in the marriage register?
f stop 25 | 2,513
8 Dec 2012  #37
not in the way I think you're suggesting

I tried not to suggest anything, but you're right. I tend to consider what might the other, unrepresented side of the coin look like. Plus, when we tell our story here, we always make ourselves look good and will not admit to our own wrong doings, a lot of times just because we consider someone else's wrong doing more grievous and pertinent.

But in the absence of the "other side", we are free to imagine: .. a man, so deeply in love with his Asian girlfriend that he marries her, then, at the joyous news of a pregnancy, unexpectedly turns onto complete Mr. Hide and banishes his love, and the unborn child, penniless, into the street. The woman, otherwise intelligent and perceptive, is completely taken by surprise by this side of him that she has never seen, didn't even know he was not a pro-lifer!

Could be.
OP champchamp 1 | 21
8 Dec 2012  #38
why would he think he could show a court that the marriage wasn't real??

Just because he said if i take him to the court then he will tell the marriage was just for money reasons and for citizenship reasons. crazy right? i dont know but it's childish

Plus, when we tell our story here, we always make ourselves look good and will not admit to our own wrong doings, a lot of times just because we consider someone else's wrong doing more grievous and pertinent.

I guess my only fault here was i did cancel my pregnancy coz that's where the horror started. I wouldnt say he is really bad before marriage although in so many things he was unfair, I did not mind all those but to kill our baby is something else.

Now tell me how can u call your own child as the name of the pills for abortion? I still dont want to say that he is a real villain here in our story but the thing is that he was crazy about abortion when he already had 3 children before? 1 was not his son (with his xGF)and he was even able to accept it. why not our child? isn't that unfair? Not that im trying to make myself look good here but everything that's happening here is not what's all on the plate. How would i even know he'd hate this pregnancy when he was always joking about having many kids. I dont know.......I really don't know.
f stop 25 | 2,513
8 Dec 2012  #39
When the pills were being skipped, did you ask him, "Darling, but the luggage! What if I get pregnant?"
OP champchamp 1 | 21
8 Dec 2012  #40
"Darling, but the luggage! What if I get pregnant?"

of course he knows it
f stop 25 | 2,513
8 Dec 2012  #41
and what was his answer?
sa11y 5 | 331
8 Dec 2012  #42
F stop, regardless of her intentions, if he didn't want the baby he should have protected himself. There are just to many Polish men playing fools when it comes down to pregnancy, as if they don't know where babies come from.
f stop 25 | 2,513
8 Dec 2012  #43
regardless of her intentions

Obviously, in her relationship, the responsibility of contraception was delegated to her. That is perfectly acceptable in a trusting relationship.
So, when they were having unsafe sex, what did she think his reaction would be to an unplanned pregnancy? Did she ask him?
I would have known, that's all I'm saying. For example, some men assume, or are assured, that a woman will "take care of it" in the event she gets pregnant. Most women will say that they were sure that he'll just love the baby once it's here. And there are those that want a baby, assume that even if he does not want it, baby and a steady income is a win-win. I'm not considering those that are not asking for financial help because that is obviously not her.

Now, all that said, I assure you that if I was talking to him, my questions would be completely different.. but all we have is her.
OP champchamp 1 | 21
9 Dec 2012  #44
and what was his answer?

he said it was my fault and that it should be in my purse not in our luggage. :) simple as that

Did she ask him?

1st of all if it was a PLANNED pregnancy id never go out after 2mos and drink socially.
2nd i already told him earlier, if he wants vasectomy then it's fine with me that couldve been a good one to avoid such unwanted preg

3rd im a student who married him coz i love him not to ask support from him. i guess my parents already supported me long enough.

are my parents the father of this child? NO.
4th He married me so his obligations are obvious. im not saying it's forever but now im pregnant and lost in this country im only asking him for my needs not for shopping.

5th if it was easy for me to get a job why would i ask for any support?
6th i dont know if ur supporting abortion that ur obviously taking his side
7th no matter what u say he is still the father of the child. Im asking support for the child, pregnancy and not for my personal interest AGAIN. im pregnant not a sucker
f stop 25 | 2,513
9 Dec 2012  #45
Obviously the guy is a cad, I'm just having a hard time believing that his reaction took you completely by surprise.
BTW, what will you do if he disappears?
Or, even worse (and this might sound insane), but be careful - make sure he's not planning an accident, or disapearance, for you.

he said it was my fault and that it should be in my purse not in our luggage. :) simple as that

I meant did you ask him:"What if I get pregnant?"
OP champchamp 1 | 21
9 Dec 2012  #46
"What if I get pregnant?

Honestly, we never expected it so none of us even thought of WHAT IF it happened.

BTW, what will you do if he disappears?

I dont know if he will disappear or maybe :) he will make me disappear coz he wants me and the child out of his life. Life is crazy and YES im not just surprised, it's a total shock.
f stop 25 | 2,513
9 Dec 2012  #47
he wants me and the child out of his life

I know most people do not agree and believe that mother should make the guy pay, but I would rather live in poverty than force any contact with the man that does not want anything to do with me or the child.

I have never asked for a penny from my son's father, and this allowed for a good relationship between us all. I finished school and made more money than he ever did. And he, as opposed to your husband, was all excited about the child, he just didn't think that the party life we were living needed to end.
Ironside 48 | 9,708
9 Dec 2012  #48
Obviously, in her relationship, the responsibility of contraception was delegated to her.

what are you talking about? Obviously they have some problems communicating with each other! His reaction is really strange if their never discussed children or anti conception! Either both of them are tools, it is not a full story, he is a mental case or this is just another troll!

Think f I know you are f intelligent and all but they are married, they never talked about children,anti conception(classical toolizm) and on the top of it that dude behavior in really odd (if that the truth).

As for paying, they are married he will have to pay! If he thinks that the child is not his,he will have a hard time to prove it.
f stop 25 | 2,513
9 Dec 2012  #49
Ironside

what are you talking about? Obviously they have some problems communicating with each other! His reaction is really strange if their never discussed children or anti conception!

what are YOU talking about? They discussed children, he didn't want any, and it was up to her to make sure it didn't happen for next 5 years.
Ironside 48 | 9,708
9 Dec 2012  #50
Sorry I didn't read it all!
f stop 25 | 2,513
9 Dec 2012  #51
"What if I get pregnant?" would have been a logical question to ask when the contraceptive pills were in some other luggage and unsafe sex was to be had. That's the point I wanted to clarify.

the reason I'm getting so involved in this scenario is because I am friendly with two (not one, but two!) couples; both women want to have children (one never did before), and both men are adamant against it. Both men are like, "if you get pregnant, we are OVER" adamant, and let their better halves know it . One guy likes to move around a lot, and the other thinks we should not have any children at all (and kill ourselves jk!) So this subject comes up a lot. It's easy to say - the guys should wear a rubber, but in both cases the women are totally entrusted with the contraception methods. So, I'm sure that in the case of a pregnancy, culpability would be discussed to a minute detail.
OP champchamp 1 | 21
10 Dec 2012  #52
Yes and it was clear we both agreed on that. I don't want to call the child an accident coz no matter what it's still our child and nothing can change that fact. Just to make things clear, i never forced him to father the child coz from his reactions it's a sign that my child will not have a happy experience I was only asking him not to force me now to leave Poland coz of my situation. I have only until April... is that a lot for support? I also NEVER intended to be dependent on him coz from what happened, my future and chance to have a good family is already gone...plus the child will never have a chance to experience a complete set of parents coz of what he did.

y, but I would rather live in poverty than force any contact with the man that does not want anything to do with me or the child.

remember it's not only my child. If i have other resources to finance myself in a country where i feel like im locked up and cornered, what choice to i have but ask for alimony for the child

As for paying, they are married he will have to pay! If he thinks that the child is not his,he will have a hard time to prove it.

heh :) it will be funny if he denies it in the court when he knows he's the first and last man i slept with in my entire life...
f stop 25 | 2,513
10 Dec 2012  #53
in a country where i feel like im locked up and cornered

going home is not an option?
Lenka 2 | 1,409
10 Dec 2012  #54
I can partialy understand you but why should she not ask for child support?It's his child also.Maybe we don't know full story but two ppl had sex and two ppl are responsible.She's willing to take responsibility for what happened and he's not.
f stop 25 | 2,513
10 Dec 2012  #55
I just think that raising the child among loving family might be better for the child than going after his money.
OP champchamp 1 | 21
10 Dec 2012  #56
than going after his money.

how will i raise the child without eating and how will i raise the child when he told me to marry him while im schooling.

going home is not an option?

Ofcourse it is an option but not when i am pregnant after i got married and just swallow the disgrace HE just caused me. So if I go home :) that will be too easy for him and i have to swallow pain in the world. Is that what you want? sorry but my culture is very conservative and I am as well. Id rather go home taking the baby with me than showing people my HUSBAND left me while im pregnant. at least once the child is born people would just see the child and be happy about it.
Ironside 48 | 9,708
10 Dec 2012  #57
how will i raise the child without eating and how will i raise the child when he told me to marry him while im schooling.

If you haven't become pregnant on purpose by all means he should support you! Even if you did become pregnant on purpose still it is no reason to kick you out!

you are married!It should means something!
f stop 25 | 2,513
10 Dec 2012  #58
Ofcourse it is an option but not when i am pregnant after i got married and just swallow the disgrace HE just caused me. So if I go home :) that will be too easy for him

Going over what HE did, didn't do, should have done is completely unproductive.
Think more about what you should do.
At this point, the most important thing for you to do is to avoid stress and get lots of rest. Think about how to do that now.
natasia 3 | 368
10 Dec 2012  #59
Going over what HE did, didn't do, should have done is completely unproductive.
Think more about what you should do.

I agree with you, but I still also think that something doesn't quite add up here. It just doesn't. And I wonder if unravelling it is the key to where exactly this guy stands, and therefore what would be the best thing to do.

He liked you enough to get married, which is a pretty big deal. How long did you know each other before you married? Did you need to marry for an immigration issue?
f stop 25 | 2,513
10 Dec 2012  #60
That's what I suspect as well - they got married so she could stay in Poland, and then she got pregnant. No other explanation why he would freak out this bad, and worry about losing his job.

I think he fully expected that she gets an abortion, and her refusal made him believe that she did this on purpose.
But, lets give her a benefit of doubt..


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