The problem with using titles when address in-laws is this:
Smurf and others who have problems with understanding such a basic thing - please understand that here is a different country with a different culture and a different language and some things may work differently
than in your country, your culture and your language.
It doesn't mean that your way is good
and ours is bad
, it's just means it's different
Learn some tolerance, ffs.
I've read many times on this forum from British/American people how rude
Poles are because they don't say "please" when they ask for salt at the table, or the Polish cashiers are rude because they don't grin at you and don't ask you how your day was and don't chat with you while other people are waiting behind you, or Poles are "too abrupt", etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
Well, in Polish language addressing a stranger as "you" is considered rude
. It doesn't have anything to do with authority.
In Polish we don't have to say "please" every time we ask for something because in Polish language there are other ways to sound polite like saying "Could you...", for example ("Czy mógłbyś podać mi sól?") or just the tone of your voice. If someone is saying to you: "Kochanie, podaj sól" ("Sweetie, pass the salt") then for a Pole there will be nothing rude in this.
In Poland there is no other way to call your in-laws at the beginning. If the in-laws are very easygoing and just have such character then you won't feel awkward calling them by their names, but it would be rude
and awkward to do it without their encouragement, imho.
My brother got married in May this year and up to that point his fiancée was addressing my dad and my mum as "pan" and "pani". It doesn't have anything to do with religion because both my brother and his wife are completely atheistic (although they are decorating their own Christmas tree at their place and are giving presents on Christmas so go figure lol). They're coming to my parents for a dinner every month, my parents are very friendly and the atmosphere at those dinners is very relaxed but it would feel simply akward if she was calling them by their names, since they're much older than she is. The last time I attended such dinner I haven't noticed her calling them anything so it must be stage 2: "Not calling your in-laws anything" lol The stage 3 will be calling them "mum" and "dad", but I think it will take all three of them a while before this happens. I'm sure my parents will be happy when it does happen. Both my grandma and my mum were already happy when my brother's wife said that they were at "grandma's
place" after she and my brother went to my grandma at the countryside. So it goes both ways, but it must take some time so it wouldn't feel awkward
I think I remember my uncle was calling my late grandma by a diminutive of her name but he didn't marry my aunt so I guess he couldn't really call her "mum" (although maybe he did, I don't remember). But he called her "Marysiu" or "Marysieńko" and not "Marysia". And he was not young himself already at that time.
Also, one of my aunts is "forever young at heart" and she demanded
that we call her by her name and not "auntie". I've noticed her children are also calling her often by her name (the same with their dad). It's weird for me, I always call my mum "mum" and my dad "dad", but that's me and I would never say that my way is good and my aunt's way is bad.
Respect is a two-way street and once you use titles and they aren't reciprocated then you're never going to get the respect you deserve and never be on the same level playing field as the person you're addressing.
I don't know where you got it from that in-laws calling you by your name is a sign of disrespect o_O If your in-laws were calling you "pan" or "pani", it would mean they're either really stuck-up or they dislike you a lot... lol It seems to me you don't get it how it works in Poland...
The "titles" are dropped after some time and people are usually calling their in-laws "mum" and "dad". If even after a really long time the in-laws insist on being called "pan", "pani" then it's a sign there's something wrong with your relationship with your in-laws.
If you think that by calling your in-laws "pan" and "pani" they're getting respect and you don't if they're calling you by your name then I'm sorry but you're simply wrong. It's more about getting used to each other and accepting each other as members of the same family. When both parties will be ready then they will get to the stage 3 - calling in-laws "mum" and "dad". That's how it usually works in Poland.
Honestly, smurf, I don't know how you would survive in Japan lol My friend who graduated from Japanese studies said that she wouldn't be able to marry a Japanese guy because, as she said, they bow even when they talk to their bosses through a phone. That's different culture
for you. You may not like some aspects of it, but don't expect the autochthons of a given country to change their ways, their culture only because some foreigner doesn't like it.
Of course, we've been raised to use "pan/pani", just like the British have been raised to be overly (in Polish view, for example) polite. You may find "pan/pani" too formal and we may find "you" too familiar. You may find Poles too abrupt, Italians or Greeks - too loud, and we may find the British way of speaking with all those "please" and "would you be so kind" unnecessary, irritating and maybe even servile.
If someone really wants then one can ask in-laws to be called by their name, but I think the general rule when living in a foreign country is "when in Rome, do as the Romans do". If I were living in the UK I would most probably use all those redundant "would you be so kind" etc., because that's, let's say, the British way and I wouldn't like to be impolite.
I suspect that sadly it's largely true.
Then you're wrong. *sigh
Seriously, the arrogance and ignorance of some of the Westerners here is bewildering for me. Not everything has to be the way it is in your country! Grow up, people, and learn to accept other cultures. It's not like we're stoning people by calling them "pan/pani" lol