PF - The Omnibus Edition

Miranda ? How are you? You may have to get back on top of it SZ is under the weather and needs some rest at a resort somewhere.

sounds good to me. I need some pampering. None of that mud bath stuff though

I am good, how are you? Everybody needs a resort, including me.

I am good but in need of a vacation

I second that, hello there outintheyard

Ditto . Have you seen the documentary film on Seton . The hunter who tracked the wolf called Lobo in the US State of New Mexico. It is quite the story.

Ah, how good it is to be able to smell the fresh ground coffee once more. The last few days have reminded me what an appallingly bad patient I am. So the first thought that came to mind as the ravages of influenza gradually stopped was to sit down at my computer thingy to pen a few words for the Omnibus. Actually, my real first thoughts were along different lines but this being a family column it’s probably best to quickly pass over them.

SOAP Messages

Go on admit it, the IT geeks amongst you got excited by the headline. Sadly for you, this is not about web services. Rather it is about services to humanity. We refer of course to the brand new PF Soap Opera that has emerged in recent days. The historians amongst us would be keen to identify the originator of this simple but powerful extension to the content on here. We’ll leave it to others to discuss whose idea it was. We would like to concentrate instead upon the sheer quality of the scriptwriters that have emerged. Wroclaw deserves a special mention for publishing the first riveting episode. Building effortlessly upon the emergent characters created by his fellow conspirators, Wroclaw delivered a script full of intrigue, romance and pathos. The reader was instantly transported to the beer stained carpet of the slightly shady Bar Above where a myriad of characters transpired to hold the attention. What would be the reaction of the expectant public? Would they take time to assimilate the direction being taken by the plot? Would they heck! They all started submitting extension to the script. Wildrover, Daisy, Bratwurst Boy, Vincent, Miranda. They’ve all jumped in with telling contributions. And, as I write this, Wroclaw is poised to lodge his second major instalment. The Szarlotka household have pulled up their favourite armchairs in front of the plasma screen; the beer is on tap, the nibbles in place. It won’t be long now before the credits start to roll.

A Ban is not just for Christmas.

It is with immense relief that we can report that the insufferable noimmigration has been handed a well deserved ban from PF. To be honest we could not be bothered to read the final posts that lead to his red card. The general consensus seems to be that he had it coming. Being a goody two shoes and an all round good egg, Szarlotka has never been banned. So he has investigated how exactly the banning is announced and enforced. Surprisingly the investigation has revealed the existence of a strict set of legal frameworks and protocols leading to the issue of a binding banning order. For your general edification we have included a copy of the agreement below:

This Agreement is made this 25th day of November 2008

Between:

1) Polish Forums whose registered office is The Really Wonderful Server Farm, Silicon Valley, CA ('PF')

And

2) Nommigration, whose registered office is the third dustbin behind the Balti House, The Gorbals, Glasgow (the ‘twat’)

Background

PF and the twat wish to enter into this agreement in order to prevent the twat from accessing his user account to the service provided by PF to further propagate his uniquely biased, ill informed and inflammatory views upon the long suffering members of PF.

Now it is agreed as follows:

The twat undertakes to accept that for a period of a twenty (20) years or in the event of his death should this occur sooner, he is barred from using his user account to sign on to PF.

Further, the twat undertakes not to attempt to access the PF using an assumed identity nor to use the user account of any other member, whether living, dead or brain dead during said period.

The twat accepts that any breach of the clauses above shall render him instantly liable to being placed in the Stocks and pelted with decaying vegetable manner.

Entire Agreement

This Agreement constitutes the entire agreement and understanding by the Parties in respect of the matters dealt within it and supersedes, cancels and nullifies any previous agreement between the Parties in relation to such matters notwithstanding the terms of any previous agreement expressed to survive termination.

Each of the Parties acknowledges and agrees that in entering into this Agreement it does not rely upon, and shall have no remedy in respect of, any statement, representation, warranty or undertaking (whether negligently or innocently made) other than as expressly set out or referred to in this Agreement.

Governing Law and Jurisdiction

This Agreement shall be governed by and construed in according with Intergalactic Law and, subject to the Dispute resolution procedure, each Party agrees to submit to the exclusive jurisdiction of the Courts of the Planet Zog.

Signed for and on behalf of PF

ADMIN

Signed for and on behalf of the twat

X

Interesting read eh? Best not get banned now.

The Tender Loving Care Corner

Every so often one or more of us needs to feel just a little bit more loved. Usually this comes about through the normal posts on PF. Every so often, we feel the need to intervene to add that little extra support to a struggling colleague. This is such a time. Think back to the times when you may have felt isolated and alone. Perhaps it was as a stranger in a foreign land surrounded by thousands of people whom you could not understand. Maybe it was back in your school days when you were the only kid who didn’t like Led Zeppelin. If you can relate to that sense of isolation then you can relate to the pain that Bratwurst Boy is feeling right now. Aside from the lunatic Satanist making a brief appearance, BB is the token German on here. Single handed he must defend his nation’s honour on many different fronts (Ed – don’t mention the war Szar). The odds against him have been at times overwhelming. And yet he continues to function, more dogged and reliable than the legendary Mercedes diesel engine. In addition he has belied the urban myth that the Germans have no sense of humour. How can that be when you see some of his football score predictions? All we need now is to have evidence that Austrians and Swiss Germans have a sense of humour too. The Omnibus Edition is proud to salute BB and looks forward to his next contributions muttered darkly from beneath that battered old helmet.

Other stuff

Poetry corner is back. Szarlotka is deeply unhappy that JustysiaS can write better English poetry than him. (Ed - bar's open Szar) Oh sod it........

he, he. great post again Mr Szar.

I am so glad you are well. Does it mean that Immi is banned for good?

*thinking of posting in the Poem thread*

artistic license and wishful thinking on my part Miranda.

unbelievable

Very good Szar, glad to see you're making a good recovery.

:-D

Cheers for the beers. Steins are a fine invention.

Very good edition mr Sz, took me by surprise being published on a Friday.

Glad to see that you are fighting fit again.

I should really try to do an Omnibus of the POLISH FORUM SOAP OPERA.
But I would like to share a very old story about another tandem story.

I think this is hilarious and I think Rebecca and Jim must be Polish Forum members.
I have my suspicions who they are;)

---

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE

(Teacher)
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. Each person will pair off. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. ------------------------------------------------------

(second paragraph by Jim)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. ----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her."Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. ---------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" ----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca
) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. ----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels." ----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
Ass hole. ----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)
Bitch. ----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
Wanker. ----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)
slut. ---------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
Get f*cked. ----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)
Eat shit. --------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! ----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim) Go drink some tea - whore. *********************************************

(Teacher) A+ - I really liked this one

---

Is that too much copy and paste?

I hope this is the right thread for this?

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
'Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Well it should be that season, peace on Earth and goodwill to all men and all that, but unfortunately the message doesn’t seem to be getting through to some of us. I refer of course to the ‘lively’ thread concerning what Poland has ever got out of supporting other countries in armed struggle. The debate has been focussed around WWII. This is interesting since the tactics used in the debate to date have been more reminiscent of WWI in that members have dug in in fixed positions and are blasting the crap out of each other with heavy artillery. Occasionally one of us has been brave enough to stick our heads above the parapet. Sadly this has usually resulted in being shot at by heavy machine guns. Maybe there will be an offensive before the Christmas lull where one side will march across no mans land in full formation to be mown down. Incidentally the traditional football match on Christmas Day will this year be replaced by an Ice Hockey match. Given the vivid descriptions of the sport on that thread it would appear to be more appropriate for the more bombastic contributors to the WWII debate.

The general consensus reached by the anti-Brit trenches is that we are all to blame entirely for Poland’s post WWII plight. I don’t wish to comment any more on that but I am prepared to make a conciliatory gesture. This gesture is not to be taken as any form of acceptance of liability by GB plc. Since I would not be here at all today if a Polish pilot had not saved my father’s bacon in the skies over Southern England I am generously offering the people of Poland the bit of land at the bottom of my garden that I haven’t been bothered to clear in the seven years of living there. Obviously this is a token gesture and there is no frigging way I would allow you to get planning permission to build on it. As a gesture I think it to be a generous offer though.

Snap

I notice that PolishgirlTX has chosen her new camera and is busy getting the hang of all its features. All I would say is that pgtx has made a good choice since it’s the same as my camera. I’ve had mine for three months and still haven’t got a clue what I’m supposed to do with it beyond the set it on auto and snap away mode. Any tips gratefully received.

Soap Alert

What a bunch of latent creative talent has been uncovered by the PF Soap. I was tempted to provide an overview of the plot here but gave up when I realised the enormity of the task. The list of characters is growing and growing so even a synopsis of them is beyond my limited abilities. If you haven’t indulged in a read of the Soap yet I strongly suggest you sit down next to a roaring log fire with a glass or two of your favourite tipple and read it cover to cover.

The Rest of the Activity

Hmm. This is going to difficult to summarise. There appears to be a heavy emphasis on the sea at the moment. There are loads of pictures of rough sees, calm seas, denizens of the deep and even barnacle mating grounds. I’m tempted to start posting pics of my favourite lighthouses, starting with Bishop Rock, but am concerned that I’ll be accused of being a geek. Somewhere in my mind’s eye I can see a PF member standing on The Cob at Lyme Regis as the angry sea breaks over them as they quietly wait for their loved one to return from that mackerel fishing day trip.

The terrorism debate rumbles on with remarkably similar behaviour patterns to the WWII debate. This one is going to run and run too I suspect.

Someone posted an article form Lonely Planet that puts Warsaw in the top ten cities to visit in 2009. It would have had more credence if any of the other nine places were actually in anybody’s top ten cities of the world. Maybe they have a different slant on this and they are actually suggesting the top ten places in the world to be lonely?

Well that’s my lot for this week. I’ve got Christmas shopping to do. I’m looking forwards to my weekend in Krakow…

Thank szarlotka for the latest Omnibus.

What about a tent at the bottom of your garden? :)

I'll allow that since the bottom of the garden is so overgrown that I'd never notice any size of tent. I'm duty bound to point out, however, that the stream down there flood a fair bit so the new residents might get a bit wet from time to time.

The new residents may need to take an occasional bath.

Great summary!

(But I still would prefer the regular christmas football game instead of ice hockey though...we Germans suck at ice hockey..

Another excellent round up of the week


I've stood there on a stormy day.....oh sorry this isn't the sea thread.

Good luck with the shopping Szar, I hate shopping


ice hockey it is then

Ice Hockey? Rules? There's only one BB - hit before you are hit

Now then...as long I have my helmet!

you'll need more than your helmet

Edit > Find

osio



Should I read any of this page? Maybe I'm just not famous enough. I might just get one of my minions to read it for me.

Aren't they busy being extras in nativity plays taking place at church halls up and down the country?

If you are talking about the essay at the top of this page, I thought it was very funny and a kind of take the mickey out of the PF soap.

I don't know if you or your minions will like it.
Why do I get the feeling your minions are vegetables soon to be eaten by you?

Actually, I quite enjoyed your story there... it's the best bit of this page, all of which I have read.


My apologies to all those with sympathy for Scandinavians. I will eat all the swedes.