I haven't seen my boyfriend in almost a month due to his hectic work schedule owning two businesses. He has also been spending a lot of time with his family.
He is a gentleman and very respectful. He has lived in America for three months, still learning the customs. And he doesn't own a car , yet and lives with his uncle. I live with my parents due to a divorce. My ex had an affair, still a little scarred from it. We are in our late thirties. We have been dating a little over two months. He has never been married, reassured me that there is nobody else as well. He is a gentleman and treats me with respect. Lately, he hasn't made any plans with us because he has been hanging out with his cousins, aunts, uncles, dad. And doesn't include me. I will admit, we saw each other a lot in the beginning. And I understand he needs space to be with family. I was also on vacation for almost a week as well. He mentioned that he misses me and still texts me sunshine and sweetie, asking how my day is on a weekly basis. My questions are:
1- is he homesick being an immigrant, his mother and sister lives in Poland. But his dad and girlfriend live in the US and other relatives.
2- so far, he has been honest about everything. But hasn't plan a date with me yet. We didn't even see each other for a holiday weekend. I was hurt, but didn't tell him. He went with his family to Wisconsin instead. I'm Asian- but he says he doesn't care about my nationality- he thinks I'm beautiful. I look like an Asian version of Megan Fox.
3- Shall this come to pass, that I don't need to worry . Is he committed to me and will I eventually met his relatives someday? He has briefly met my family. He didn't mind it.
Please help. (A girlfriend who is confused with her Polish boyfriend 's behavior)
Well, for starters, it's clear that you are a lot more serious about this relationship than he is. He may grow more serious over time. Only time will tell. You've only been seeing each other for two months. Or he may not. One text a week asking you how you are doing is pretty minimal for a two-month-old relationship. You're very clearly not anywhere near the top of his priority list.
If you are looking for a husband that is going to make you the exclusive center of his whole life, it's clear that he is not a candidate. His family will always be very important to him, and so will his work. It doesn't sound like he is even thinking about marriage at this stage in his life. You should be looking elsewhere if a husband is what you are after. You're probably wasting valuable time on this guy. Nice as he may be, he doesn't seem to share the same goals as you, and certainly not the same timeline.
Generally, yes, family is very important to Poles.
However, you should be asking your question in a relationship forum, not a Polish forum, since your boyfriend's nationality or closeness to his family has hardly anything to do with it.
You've ONLY been seeing each other for 2 months. That's really not a lot. I understand you've gone through a painful divorce, and probably need to feel safe, secure, and like you have his undying support and can trust him 100%. I totally understand you feeling this way, and wanting to be with a man who can provide that for you. HOWEVER, two months is not a lot, and it seems to be that you can run the risk of pushing him away due to your neediness. Plus, the fact that he's only been in the US for 3 months, adds to HIS insecurity and instability. He can't be your rock in the storm, if he's still figuring out his way in a new country!
If you want to continue to pursue this relationship, you need to give him space. Do not freak out if he does not show as much desire to spend time with you or communicate with you at first. He's an immigrant, 3 months in the country. There are SO many things he has to deal with, figure out, and grow accustomed to. He needs to his space and time to figure them out, without someone constantly nagging at him (I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but that's how it start coming off to him). If he is a good, honorable person, and if it is meant to be, you two will pull through. Show a willingness to help him adjust to his new country, give him space, and he will grow to trust you more and more and open up to you more.
Thank you for the honest and eye opening response. I never pressured him to do anything or asked for any commitment from him. I'm not ready for anything too serious at this moment. We are still getting to know each other. I only asked that because I was curious about dating etiquette mentality of Polish in general. He often initiates conversations with me more than twice a week. Which are sweet and light hearted. And I understand he is quite a busy individual. I've never question his whereabouts or his integrity. We both respect each other very much. But I do miss him a lot. I don't like drama in relationships either. I'm pretty easy going and laid back, independent person. If he makes plans with family , I don't get upset. I make my own plans. He understands that. I've only mentioned to him that it is hard because we are long distance ( an hour apart) which he doesn't mind. And that it's been awhile since we have seen each other. That was all I said.
I was just curious if it is normal for him to spend more time with his relatives because he is/ seems family oriented and his background. He has a good relationship with them. I am proud of him for that and respect that. I am also family oriented as well.
Thank you for the insight. I will continue to give him space he needs right now.
Hi Candyloop. Womans' perspective here. Firstly a Polish man who's reached his late thirties and never been married is the exception. Although people in Poland are marrying later than they used to, they still tend to tie the knot before the age of thirty. So if he's telling you the truth and he has really never been married then it suggests that he may well never do so.
As to meeting his family, definitely once a Polish guy is serious about you, you will meet his family. However two months of a relationship that's been conducted mostly by text doesn't sound that serious to me. He met you very soon after arriving in the country and it probably felt nice and comforting to have a 'girlfriend' in the background. But he's trying to establish a life for himself in a new country and his priority is work and money.
As to Poles and family, yes most of them are very close to their families. It's quite common for married couples to go and visit their parents every weekend for example and I know men in their thirties who regularly visit their grandparents too.
However when all is said and done the cultural differences are not so great that a Polish man who is 'in love' or interested in pursuing a relationship will sideline a new girlfriend to that extent in order to spend time with family.
a Polish man who's reached his late thirties and never been married is the exception. .... he may well never do so
True enough. And the older he is the less the marriage is likely to be about romance and more about a mommy replacement for laundry and cooking.
As to meeting his family, definitely once a Polish guy is serious about you, you will meet his family
Yes, his family is a train in the distance slowly but surely headed your way. There is no escape (if you stay with him).
the cultural differences are not so great
But they exist. The ways that Polish women indicate they want/need more commitment aren't much used by Americans (and vice versa). The ways that Polish men use to indicate more commitment aren't that commonly used by Americans.
I'm also thinking there might be debts/obligations to the family that the 'girlfriend' is not yet privy to.
In American standards, polaks are very family oriented.
Good responses in this thread. He just immigrated 3 months ago, let the man settle in. But that is the danger: you have to give him space to grow comfortable (with America and with you) but this also risks him meeting someone else along the way.
On the brightside based on your posts, it doesn't seem he is fixated on dating/marriage. So I think he is just centered on $$$ [and as Mafketis posted he is probably financially supporting family] at the moment. I don't think you really have much choice at the moment but to stay patient.
Hi. He comes from a successful family. His dad runs a housing construction business as well. He has been helping his dad help make brochures for his company business. His family are well educated, career driven people. He used to be a soldier in Poland . I come from a military background as well, on my side of the family as well as a line of police officers. My brother- in -law is also an American police officer within the Chicago area. And I am a teacher. He knows I come from a good family as well. And sees that I'm a good catch. I know two months is not enough time to really know a person. But he also mentioned that he would like for me to cook for him a nice dinner for him someday. I mentioned that I was a pretty good cook.
( not sure if he was testing my cooking skills, or if it means anything) I was very flattered. When I apologized for not cooking due to a party we had to attend one Saturday afternoon, he responded, " No worries sweetie , there will be other opportunities." This was a few weeks ago. If we end up becoming more serious down the road, that would be great. I'm willing to learn his customs, traditions, and language. I love learning about other cultures.
If we ever get to that point. If not, I will be ok. It's probably true that he is going through some internal and external struggles of being an immigrant. Maybe he just needs to be around his family right now . I've also helped him learn English grammar, and some American customs and he appreciates in me helping him. I've been a very helpful and good girlfriend to him. He doesn't take me for granted.
I appreciate all of the helpful comments. It's allowed for me to see things from a different perspective.
Hi. I will be patient with him. I understand he is going through a lot right now. He doesn't need anymore pressure than he already has. Hopefully, this time will pass.
Hi everyone. I have an update on him. He is leaving to go back home next month in November 20. I'm deeply saddened by it. But he is visiting family in California first, then straight to Poland. I asked if it was ok that we see eachother one more time or a couple of times before he leaves. He responded that he would like to see me again before he leaves. Which I'm looking forward to. I didn't realize that he was here on a Work visa. I thought he was planning on staying. I was hoping we could have started something between us.
It's hard knowing I will never see him again. He was a great person, kind, fun, and attentive. I will miss him dearly. I wonder if that was the reason why he was afraid to get close, knowing that he would be going back home. That the outcome may not Work. I'm intelligent, pretty, and well rounded. He says he has never met a girl like me before. I told him I would miss him so much ☹️. He felt terrible. This is a chapter in my life I have to close.
I wonder if that was the reason why he was afraid to get close, knowing that he would be going back home.
Well he should have told you that to begin with but then of course he wanted to have a nice girlfriend in the background while he was in the USA. Very selfish behaviour. Not only that, Candyloop, remember what I said to you about how unusual it is for a Polish man of that age to be umarried unless he's the type who never will. What else has he been less than honest about? Is there a wee wifey waiting for him in Poland?
He was a great person, kind, fun, and attentive.
And dishonest. No matter how you sugar coat it he knew he was only in America short term and he never told you. He wasn't straight with you, in fact he misled you. Ok if he was a young guy under 25, it wouldn't be that surprising. But he's a mature man in his late thirties who behaved like a teenager. You should have more self respect than to be metaphorically standing on the quay side sobbing into your hanky and waving him off - in other words what are you doing seeing him before he goes?
Well anyway it's your decision. But take a lesson from it. When your gut tells you something is wrong next time, pay attention to it.
You sound like a lovely girl and I'm afraid lovely people tend to get hurt quite a bit in this world. Stay lovely but exercise your common sense in future. Wishing you the very best and hope you find happiness with a guy who deserves you.
Acually, Atch, I get the impression that the OP made unjustified hopeful assumptions on her own initiative, and heard only those things that could somehow support those assumptions, totally ignoring anything that conflicted with them. I 'm not sure that this guy was "dishonest" with her, except perhaps to indulge her fantasy.
She built a castle on sand. Hard to blame the sand for the fact that the castle fell down. She had plenty of warning signs that she chose to ignore. She is mostly to blame for the situation she got herself into.
Yes, I agree up to a point. But look, he behaved in at least a secretive. if not deceitful manner, because when he first met her, the normal thing to do in the course of a first conversation when you're talking about how you come to be in America is to say, 'I've come over for a few months to help out in the family business' or 'It's my first time here, I'm just visiting family but I'm on a work visa so I'll be here for a while.' The fact is that he didn't want to reveal that to her. She made an assumption that he had emigrated to America and he let her go on that thinking that and he did so deliberately, because during the course of their friendship she must have asked certain questions or made observations that made it clear that she thought he was an 'immigrant' and he never corrected her on that assumption. So I would say that he misled her.
Have you considered that he might not have been sure about his long-term plans himself? Or that he did, in fact, tell her and she completely ignored it?
If he's not sure about his plans he should say so and the fact that he didn't constitutes misleading. Based on Candyloop's posts I would say she's a bit dewy eyed and romantic but not delusional. So I doubt that he said straight out at any point in the early stages that he was only there on a work visa. It would be interesting to know at what stage he actually shared that information with her. I do agree however that she took their friendship too seriously and made more of it than it actually was. A guy who hardly ever sees you and communicates largely by text is not your boyfriend and it's not a relationship. It's a flirtation, that's all.
