So I think I let the woman have the power in the relationship and it ended up costing me the whole thing. Just wondering if this is a normal Polish thing.
Six months ago I met this great 29-yr-old Polish girl, originally from Warsaw but living just outside London and we hit it off. She was gorgeous, funny, classy, loved all the same movies and music I did, blah blah blah. We lived it in different cities but started flying to see each other weekends all through the autumn and a few weeks before Christmas. Everything was sex and passion and excitement and puppies and roses and unspoken feelings. She later said she almost said I love you a few times. Just before Christmas I found out I'd landed a new job in her city and would be moving there in the beginning of Feb and we were both so excited.
With her in London and me needing to keep costs down until the job started, I had to go back to Toronto and pass the time sitting on my ass until Feb rolled around, but we Skyped and messaged every day, everything seemed fine. Toward the end she started to get a little bit chy about tiny things but I waved that off as loneliness and winter depression and tried to be even nicer.
That's where I f%&#ed up.
So the big move day comes. The plan is for me to stay with her for a week and then move into my new place. I finally fly over there and get in and yayyyy so excited... ah, no. She's weird from day one, but says it's just shyness after being apart for so long. I'm exhausted from never having a chance to get over the jet lag and start acting like a little whiny ****. We both get very drunk on night two and due to her continuing to act weird I tell her I'm not sure if I trust her, and she's furious. Day three we're fine. Day four she's even moodier, starts talking about having dinner with a friend of hers alone without me, don't I have anyone else I can hang out with. I tell her yeah, I will, all my classmates are moving there, but not for a month or so. Rather than just manning up and moving to my new place earlier and telling her to call me when she's feeling better, I stick around and continue to ask what's wrong.
In short, I start acting like a sad, lost puppy.
Day five comes, and yup, there it is... "we need to talk". She still cares but needs to confess that she no longer has the same feelings she had before Xmas. Whatever that spark was, it's greatly diminished. Not seeing the point of arguing, I pack up my stuff and move to the new place. The next day is Valentine's and of course instead of going out that night, she wants to meet for lunch to say it's over. She cries for an hour, says she doesn't know what's wrong with her, but the attraction is just gone and she has to find a way to get it back.
So I do the only thing I can do and tell her it makes perfect sense, I completely agree that the attraction has been broken, I'll see ya around. Since then I've just been ignoring her, and as soon as I started doing this, she's been back, asking how I am, sending nonsense little joke emails and text, etc.
As I have no idea whether I did anything wrong before the arrival, all I guess I've learned from this is that with Polish girls in particular -- though probably most women -- you really can't let them see you weak for any period, even if you're just in a new country and jetlagged as all f#%^. Smile, laugh, joke, make your own home and friends as fast as possible, but never let them know that you need them -- only that you want them, they're the frosting on your sweet cake of life. I may get this one back, I might not, but I will never make that same mistake again.
but never let them know that you need them -- only that you want them,
if you tell someone that you need them, you actually pressurize them - and yes you show a clear signal that you can't cope with some things on your own - in most women this creates a lot of disaffection instantly (a man is supposed to be able to cope with life, yeah?)
Yep. I never actually said "I need you" but I made it clear that I was there and I wanted her for the long-term. Before we'd been teasing, fun and games, nothing certain for either of us. But as soon as it became clear that I intended to stick around (and was around more of the time for those days), the attraction waned. She's always found it difficult to talk about issues and express herself, which didn't help the situation either.
Now, this can happen in any relationship, and almost always will after you get out of the "honeymoon" phase and start working on the real thing -- there's always fights and uncertainty here, and it's where most breakups happen -- but the point I guess I was trying to make in the original thread subject was that had I done these things instead, I probably never would have had a problem:
1) Made sure I had my own place to stay from Day One. Yes, eventually a couple will want to live together, but to live with a significant other when you move to her city for the first time is a lot of pressure.
2) Told her I was doing this because I can't make a good relationship without first having a good life of my own and home to fall back on, but let me get settled and then we'll have time for us
3) Seen her occasionally the first weeks and just have fun, but put the real priority on the new job and making a comfortable new pad for myself
4) When and if she then starts acting out, immediately be the one to pull back and not call or write until she starts acting normal again
Does this make sense? I don't know, it feels like such a manipulative approach but if it's what it takes, then that's what has to happen.
Welcome to the wonderful world of Polish women: then they are good, they are very very good; and when they are bad, just walk away and find another one.
Haha, sounds very fair. Question, though: if it causes arguments and issues and problems and breakups and all that crap, why don't they just choose to not be bad? Why the need for the grief? Can't life just be simpler?
1. This would have been ideal. I don't mean to burst your bubble but six months of occasionally seeing someone seems more like a fling (non committed). Is it possible she met someone else when you were apart? If this was the case you coming back would be quite uncomfortable. And yes living together is a huge jump, perhaps she got skiddish when thinking about a committed relationship.
2. I personelly would have done this anyway.
3. This may have worked.
4. No reason to play games. If it was meant to be you won't have to play games. I wish you good luck.
Yep. After two months apart and living in isolation but us talking daily I had gotten to the point where I thought a week together would be fine, especially after doing two of them before Christmas, both great, but I didn't account for the effect of the time apart. Should have put the sack out on the table to put her as a lower priority. Ah well, hindsight's 20-20.
Absolute classic text book story, Chris you handled that one extremely well.
Act all desperate and they dont want to know, give them the cold shoulder and its the complete opposite. Prior to meeting my wife the times when i didnt give a shite about women was when i had the most success.
No reason to give up so easily epecially if you do care for her. Besides the fun is in the hunt. Do you think she found someone else?
I really can't say. The fact that she said when we broke up "I'll stay with you if you want me to but I don't know how to get 'that feeling' back so I'll probably just stay *******" makes me think no, but then again the ex she broke up with four months before she met me apparently went nuts in mid-January and tried to win her back with a dozen emails and showing up at her job. She froze him out and I don't think she'd go back to him but I do think that scrambled her wiring at least a little.
I haven't given up completely, but I don't see anything I do overtly to get her back right now doing anything except push her further away. I *do* need to focus on starting off well at the new job, picking up some nicer things for this place, meeting new people. If I can build a more comfortable situation for myself in the next few weeks and she seems open to meeting up, I'd definitely see her. I actually proposed pretty much exactly that plan the day after we broke up and she said she loved the idea. Could be horse**** and she's banging someone else at this very second while they both laugh and throw darts at a photo of me, but whatever, I'm in a totally new world and need a little stability before I'm gonna be worth anything again as a guy.
Question for any women on this board: after all this why does she continue to send me photos of kittens, etc., with messages saying "Ooo.. so adorable! Should I get one?" Is this normal for a Polska? It frankly kinda freaks me out.
Thanks, Wroclaw. I still feel like an idiot but whatever, lesson learned.
It sounds to me as though her ex most likely put the kibosh on your relationship, you are away in ? She is going through a bad period and you are not there for her. Polish women are daddy's little girls they mostly want a Father figure in their life.
At 29 she is no spring chicken, she is thinking about children and being part of a family, the question they are asking at this age, is could he be the father of my children?
Yeah, I don't know if you're wrong. Was just sadly flipping back through some old stuff and it looks like he started emailing her late December, and she didn't cut it off until mid-January. Not a good sign. At the time she said she didn't cut it off sooner because she thought I was losing interest, but when I corrected that she cut him off. I have no idea if she's gone back to him but she even said that it brought up a lot of emotions in her at the time that might have played a role in this.
If it was due to her feelings for him, whether or not she's back with him that's going to make making up a lot less likely.
Sometimes Polish women come to America to study or work. It's a general consensus among American men that Polish women are not into long-term relationships. They're more about a one night stand and then they're off to another guy for the next night.
this has nothing to do with the op's opening post.
the christmas period is not a good time to be planning anything.
I think it's probably that plus everything else mentioned. I wasn't setting up the family home -- just crashing with my girlfriend for a week at her place before settling into my own pad on the other side of the city, but she might have taken it very differently.
I can wonder about the reasons all I want, but there are few facts, and they're very clear: we had some very special times leading up to Christmas. The LDR between Xmas and my arrival was tough on both of us. And right now she doesn't want a relationship. To me it looks like I have one path to follow: make my own life the best it can be on its own, and if she decides to give me a call someday, hey, we'll talk. Too bad that more talking just didn't happen earlier.
gumishu - in most women this creates a lot of disaffection instantly (a man is supposed to be able to cope with life, yeah?)
I disagree, yeah a man should be a man but for me it is more important that he is open emotionally, shows vulnerability. It makes him human and not the testosterone filled super hero that men feel they should be. I love when my BF tells me that he needs me, couldn't live without me etc.... (of course we know that he could) but it allows me to see how he really feels in a different way other than telling me he loves me. I have never felt any disaffection towards him for this, I respect that he is man enough to share his true feelings with me. Ask me again if he started wearing my make up or clothes or painting his nails :)
ChrisMac -you really can't let them see you weak for any period,
I don't think this is the issue, it certainly wasn't a weakness that you chose to spend your first week here with her, its not like living together permanently is it? Personally I would have wanted it that way after not seeing each other for so long. I feel its more to do with someone else, probably the Ex you mentioned, maybe she is confused but you deserve to be told the truth and not have her play games with you.
ChrisMac -Question for any women on this board: after all this why does she continue to send me photos of kittens, etc., with messages saying "Ooo.. so adorable! Should I get one?" Is this normal for a Polska? It frankly kinda freaks me out.
She is keeping her options open, for example-if her Ex is trying to win her back but she is unsure and she does feel something for you then she will be reluctant to close the door to you completely....YET. Maybe it true that she just doesn't feel the same way for you any more, but its unfair for her to expect you to just sit around and wait for a decision.
ChrisMac- I still feel like an idiot but whatever, lesson learned.
Don't! You have a lot of new friends to make and new places to see and as the old saying goes...there's plenty more fish in the sea :) Good luck
I tend to agree. Just like she didn't stop communicating with her ex while with you. Perhaps she was using you to make her ex jealous and keeps and open dialog with you to keep him in line. This is worst case scenario though. It seems you might have grabbed her on the rebound. You seem like a prince on a white horse coming to save the day but as soon as she had time to evaluate her life she may have decided to slow it way down to avoid getting hurt. Chin up dude there are more women out there. If you are interested in finding out the truth invite her out for drinks with another women and see how she reacts. This is manipulative and of course not the best course of action if you are not prepared for bad news but will possibly reveal the truth and give you closure.
As a woman I can say that I completely DO NOT understand the reasoning of most women. Sounds to me like you got yourself a little drama queen. Personally I never behave like that - but some women just love to fish and see if they can keep the man coming back for the same tasty worm.
She's playing you. Essentially you called it off by walking away and now she's dangling the hook to see if she's "still got it" - that's exactly what the whole kitten pictures/bulls*it is - "oh aren't I cute and feminine and lovely". F*ck her off. You don't need a woman to mess with your mind. There are plenty of better girls out there.
Just cut off every contact and she will be back.Now you cover only some of her needs while somebody else satisfies her in the sexual department.You also need to establish financially.Polish women desire affluent men they do not want to support men.
It kinda depends on how much you did this chick, really. Is she worth all the mind games? You do realize, that once the drama starts in a relationship, it never ends.
As a woman I can say that I completely DO NOT understand the reasoning of most women. Sounds to me like you got yourself a little drama queen. Personally I never behave like that
You and me both, I just don't get silly girls who behave that way.
GabiDaHun-
some women just love to fish and see if they can keep the man coming back for the same tasty worm
I find this very cruel behaviour from my own kind, I have seen friends do it to men countless times and often sooner or later the guy finds himself a tasty new worm. Some of the guys I thought were very stupid, falling for the bullsh*t and putting up with all the drama, still taking the girls out, buying them things and trying to impress etc...all for a monthly BJ if they were lucky.
GabiDaHun-
F*ck her off. You don't need a woman to mess with your mind. There are plenty of better girls out there.
Of course, ChrisMac, the decision is yours but this is the best advice so far.
My Polish wife, who weighs maybe 100 lbs soaking wet, could kick a hole in anyone here, and wear them like a slipper. And she'd look good doing it.
This is certainly good to know. Let's make it happen.
It seems you might have grabbed her on the rebound.
Nah, I'm not capable of manipulation like that. My manipulation has to be far more subtle, and have more benefits than just jealousy. This would do nothing other than **** off my ex while also negating chances with a girl who presumably would have gone on a real date with me.
She's playing you.
This was my thought as well, and it's why I'm replying to nothing from here on out unless it's "I miss you so f***ing bad and we need to talk for real about how to fix this".
Just cut off every contact and she will be back.Now you cover only some of her needs while somebody else satisfies her in the sexual department.You also need to establish financially. Polish women desire affluent men they do not want to support men.
Financially I'm in fantastic shape, but thank you.
It kinda depends on how much you did this chick, really. Is she worth all the mind games? You do realize, that once the drama starts in a relationship, it never ends.
One week from finding all this out hasn't given my mind time to settle down and consider this. I love the girl, but right now I can separate whether I want her back because of that or wounded pride. Love is not enough to make me want to get beaten and battered for all the years to come.
I find this very cruel behaviour from my own kind, I have seen friends do it to men countless times and often sooner or later the guy finds himself a tasty new worm.
I really appreciate the thoughtful concern of this comment. And no worries, that's not me. If I don't get a BJ at least every fortnight then it's off. ;)
Polish women play hi tech mental games.One needs not to be sucked up by one of them only but keep an army next to him for any case a vacuum presents.
One of things I do love most about Polish is how badly it translate directly into English. I have zero clue what you just said.
Dominated? No. But, they can be bossy, and like strong men that can handle that. In your case though, I think you appeared to her to be totally self sufficient at first, and when you became somewhat dependent on her, on vulnerable, or whatever it was, she might have doubted her judgement and backed away.
They like strong men who refuse to be bossed around by someone whose nature is bossy? This sounds like a recipe for passion and a lifetime of two people making each other miserable. While outside the bed.
