Should I bring gifts? - help with a Polish wedding

about 400-500 pln is the minimum.

Where did you get that from? The average gift given by non-family members in the States is only about 300 PLN ($79). 400 to 500 PLN is pretty extravagant in Poland.

Here in Turkey, bride and bridegroom don't get cash but..gold coins!!

I still think the best solution is that of the wedding list where one chooses among a preestablished list of items. No risk of giving a present which is not needed/wanted by the young (or old) couple..

I believe that if you are going to a wedding in Poland, you should find out what their customs are. Everywhere is different. In Poland - people give money which goes to the young couple. A very good idea as the parents pay for the wedding and the young collect any given money for their future life.

The custom in Poland is that when the young couple invites anyone to their wedding, they have absolutely no right to expect any gift from them whatsoever. They are obligated to be effusively and eternally grateful to even those guests who do not give any gift other than the honor of their presence, which is, exactly all that the young couple is allowed to ask for in the invitation.

Any mention or talk of gifts between the young couple and their guests is considered extremely rude. Beyond the pale, regardless of who initiates it. Even if a guests asks, all the couple can respond is "Your presence is the greatest gift you can give us. Nothing more is required or expected". Full stop.

If the couple would be disappointed that a particular guest did not give a gift, it was a major breach of etiquette to invite that person in the first place. It's hard to go lower than to invite people on the presumption that they will give a gift. That is an enormous insult.

A wedding is given by the couple of their own free will to celebrate their special day with those they love, expecting absolutely nothing in return. It is not a moneymaking opportunity. No one owes them anything. They alone bear the responsibility for the cost of the wedding, of the honeymoon, and of their future life together. They cannot pass the cost on to their guests. That would be monstrous.

If anyone is kind enough to help them out of the kindness of their hearts of their own free will with a gift of the guest's choosing, the couple is obligated to thank them from the bottom of their hearts, exactly as they are obligated to thank each and every guest who shows up without a gift, or who doesn't show up yet sends their kind regards.

Pretty much the same as in any other northern European and English speaking country.

Of course, that's the ideal. In reality, people can be pigs.

What BS! If I ask what the couple would rather get I expect an answer because I don't want to waste money on something they don't need or want. We are not in kindergarten after all.

You have absolutely no right to expect an answer. You don't even have the right to ask. Just who do you think you are, putting the poor couple in such an awkward position?

And if you don't know the couple well enough or care enough about them to figure out what would be an appropriate gift without asking them, you probably don't know them well enough or care enough about them to attend the wedding in the first place. Your obligation would end at sending your regrets and best wishes.

I think I'm their friend or family and that we are close enough not to play stupid games. Of course as you said I should know them and I do so there are not too many options but still pretending there is no such issue is silly. To be fair usually ppl don't ask the couple but indirectly ask the parents or siblings of the bride or groom. Still the question is there.

You're in great form at the moment Dominic whipping up a storm of controversy hither and thither. You'd be odds on favourite if you were running in the Grand National :))

dont people get 'wedding lists'....?
Dreadfully aquisitive things but I guess they have their uses.

I didn't whip up this controversy. It was plenty whipped up before I arrived. And the fact that you consider anything I've written as controversial in the least is, frankly, depressing. Maybe we made a mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place if we've devolved to the point of shaking down wedding guests for cash.

That would be considered bad taste a bit. It's one thing to answer when someone asks or suggest that you'd rather have cash (without giving the ammount of course) and quite different to tell the quests 'I want that'.

I had two opposite situations:
My cousin was getting married abroad. Because of the exchange rate we weren't able to give cash that would make any sense but since we were going there we chose to give a gift (a nice set of elegant cutlery that we knew from the parents they didn't have)

My friend was getting married in Poland but living abroad. The exchange rate was cr*p but transporting gifts would be problematic so we decided on cash.

When my nice had a little kid and I was visiting for the first time I didn't play any games. I asked straight what would be more useful and got the answer. A bit different than wedding but the rule is the same.

Goodness me what an old misery you are. I don't consider anything you've written remotely controversial. In fact I suspect that however genuine the core sentiments are, your tongue is well and truly lodged in your cheek.

Now, you're a pathologist if I remember correctly. You should have been an orthopaedic surgeon or something of that kind - oh wait, time for the speech on which consultancies are the most lucrative and allow the greatest options for saving etc :)) But you see if you'd been a consultant of the more mundane variety, think of the possiblities for having the poor student nurses and interns cowering and quaking in anticipation of 'Prof Dom's round'. All would flee before your barbs - wasted on the dead. Although once again if memory serves me correctly you were more on the academic side rather than the hands on.

Funny! Came this close to going into orthopedic surgery myself. I even did a long rotation in a forensic orthopedic surgery clinic that evaluated people injured on the job for workman's compensation. Had a great time. Essentially, it was orthopedic pathology.

Used to teach nursing school for a couple of semesters while I was in grad school, for RNs going back for their BSNs and MSNs. Loved it. Too bad it paid so poorly.

And all my pathology is with living patients, all clinical, with no forensics anymore. I haven't done an autopsy in donkey's years, though I really loved doing them. You see a lot of interesting things that you don't expect, more than Scully in the X Files. A pathologist specializes in the diagnosis, rather than the treatment, of illnesses, in both the living and the dead. I'm more Dr. House than Quincy.

My understudies and students think I'm a big cuddly teddy bear. I never, ever lose my temper, like a good Buddhist. But you're right about the sharp sense of humor. Keeps them on their toes.

But back to topic. I've been to many weddings, four this year alone, and the behavior I've seen does indeed depress me a bit. Greed is an ugly thing to behold, and I've beheld way more than my fair share. Makes me a firm believer in eloping and skipping out on all the wedding ceremony and reception nonsense.

My friend with wife were a month ago at a wedding in Poland and gave of 200 pounds, and that's because the newlyweds provided them with accommodation. In July I'm going to a wedding in Warsaw too, and I was doing some research among my friends.

Definitely received around 500zl per person 20+ years ago when I had my wedding in Lublin, and been paying at least that (plus inflation) when attending weddings in PL since. It's kind of expected.