Love / Should a marriage proposal to a partner from Poland be done in private or public? [27]


Doubtfullove, I think your name says it all. You're having doubts, and with just cause! It sounds like you and your boyfriend are very different people with very different ideas about your relationship. By making all of the arrangements and telling all of your friends without even consulting you, your boyfriend is setting a dangerous precedent. By taking the lead and forcing you to take a back seat on this ride, it seems to me that he is setting the pace for a future in which he does what he wants - and what he thinks you should want - rather than what you do. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not one person dictating the role of the other.

On one hand it seems sweet that he went to all of that trouble. On the other hand, however, it's actually scary to note that he is completely disregarding what you might want. As you wrote above, the venue that he chose and all the trappings he arranged for the event are your idea of hell. If you go through with the marriage without saying a word, be prepared to repeat this sort of thing for the rest of your married life because he is showing you now what it will be like: he will do what he enjoys, and what makes him comfortable, and your comfort level will be an after thought - if that.

Maybe he senses that you aren't ready and that is why he chose to propose to you in front of a crowd: so that they would pressure you to say yes. To me that isn't romantic, it's badgering!

I say talk to him as soon as possible. Tell him that you know all about the proposal event and that, frankly, it makes you uncomfortable. Be honest and tell him what you told all of us: that you're not sure about marriage at this point in your life, you need more time and you need to feel comfortable with the idea (and the setting of any future proposal). If he doesn't understand or respect your feelings now, I guarantee he won't later on either. Good luck!

Life / Polish people and racism. [943]

Adding to the dimension of a discussion is not changing, but enhancing it. Keeping a tight focus on Poles as racist becomes persecutorial. It's limiting and, dare I say, intolerant.

Life / Polish people and racism. [943]

^
You two are discussing proportions, but the thread in general is devoted to "Polish people and racism". It doesn't serve anyone well to target one population as racist.

As for Pakistani soldiers, they are needed within their own borders. Unfortunately, at the moment, they don't appear to be very effective even there!

Life / Polish people and racism. [943]

^
There are racist people in Scotland and in Poland, but don't forget, there are plenty of anti-European racists in Pakistan, in Turkey, in sub-Saharan Africa, etc., etc., etc. White, ethnic Europeans do not have the monopoly on racism. These days, white Europeans are frequently the victims of racial hatred and violence - sometimes in their own countries!

Life / Polish people and racism. [943]

While discussing whether or not the Polish people are "racist" against foreign minorities, why not ask the same question in reverse? Examine whether or not the countries these minorities are from are themselves racist.

If a Turk or a Pakistani wants to talk about racism in Poland, perhaps we should ask if there is racism in Turkey or Pakistan. For example: is Pakistan a multi-ethnic, multi-religious country with as many Polish people living in its borders as there are Pakistanis living in Poland? Are ethnic Poles (even Roman Catholics!) widely accepted and respected in Pakistan?

Do the police and common people in Pakistan protect the ethnic Poles visiting or living in Pakistan? Obviously the Pakistani minority demands protection and respect for its community in Poland, but do their countrymen do the same for Poles or other ethnic Europeans in Pakistan?

If the homelands of these minorites living in Poland do not offer equal respect, acceptance and protection to the ethnic Europeans living there, then the foreign minorities should not demand - or even expect - any better treatment in Poland.

Of course, tolerance of racist behavior shouldn't be contingent on how others are treated abroad, but the old saying holds true: People living in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! If you don't tolerate others at home, don't demand that others tolerate you abroad.