Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


Hmm. That would imply that I am capable of determining relevance. On the face of it a simple task but on some threads it may be more challenging. Crow's for example.


That disappeared many moons ago. I'm sitting here in an undignified heap wondering how I could have got 350 e-mails over the holiday period, none of which promised me money, love or a bigger thingy. I blame blackberries.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

What? Sorry I missed that. I must have nodded off.....

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

A Happy New Year to all our reader. Yes, that was meant to be in the singular. I was tempted to write a review of 2008 but quickly came to the conclusion that it would be a) time consuming, b) depressing and c) far too difficult. So instead I have decided to pretend that 2008 didn’t happen. Obviously, it goes without saying that 2009 will be a different kettle of fish altogether. (Ed – if anybody from Poland understands that expression I’ll buy you a beer or two). Accordingly I am delighted to bring you a quick review of the proceedings on PF in the early part of the year.

Strategic Rebranding exercise.

Names are important. We’ve been Polishforums for a while now. In that time the world has changed dramatically. People continue to dream up new and innovative ways of killing each other, the world has entered into economic recession and my golf handicap has depressingly gone up. We therefore need a new name for our forum. I would respectfully suggest that we change it to polonius3forums.com in recognition of the fact that roughly 70% of all new threads are started by P3 as he is affectionately known. If I was clever enough I could work out a way of calling him C3P3O. Single handedly he now has more threads to his name than a sweat shop Taiwanese seamstress. I leave it to others to judge whether this approach is good or bad.

Economic indicators

There has been a vigorous debate about whether property prices will hold up well or otherwise in Poland. The extremes of optimism, pessimism, indifference and ignorance have all been on show. The only common thread appears to be that access to up to date market and economic data is a crucial requirement. The old days of relying upon information that is three months out of date is not going to work in these turbulent times. What is needed is an accurate, almost real time set of indicators. I think I have the answer. I proudly introduce the new Bubbawoo/Vafunkaloo/Vindaloo economic indicator (Ed – is he called Vindaloo as well then?). The indicator is based upon the physical location of the Bubba. If he is in Poland then it is a safe bet that the market there is bearing up. Sadly for those of you who have just bought two thirds of Krakow it would appear that Vafunk has been in, of all places, Vietnam. Time to bale out of the Polish market and head for Ho Chi Min City folks. As an aside I bet he looked great in one of those cute conical hats peddling around on his pre-war Raleigh bicycle.

Love’s Labours Lost

Maybe it was the festive season but the number of relationships that have been under pressure seems to have increased of late. It could be exposure to loved ones parents over Christmas has resulted in friction. Maybe the value of the gifts was not high enough. Opinions on the true nature of Polish princesses have been sharply divided (again). As a quick reference guide there are three broad categorisation of the Polish Princesses on offer:

• They are money grabbing golddiggers who are unfaithful, unreliable, devious and manipulative.
• They are the sweetest women on God’s Earth who are loyal, attentive, magnificent lovers, brilliant cooks and who don’t mind at all if the man in their lives pops out down the pub with his mates.

• They are just women with good ones and bad ones who just happen to speak an unintelligible language.

I think I shall start a poll. Not really I shall instead suggest that all future Polish princess threads are automatically referred to the common sense response given by JustysiaS’ on some thread that I can’t be bothered to find again.

All things in moderation.

The two new moderators, Wroclaw and PolishgirlTX, have been in place for a while now. I have been reflecting upon their performance to date. A number of conclusions have arisen from this deep contemplation of my navel, which unlike that of my good friend the Editor, I can still see without doing contortions. Firstly, it proves just how much work PolskaDoll had to do before the new appointments. Well done PD. Three gold stars to you. Secondly, I can conclude that the rules of the Forum regarding keeping on topic are being more vigorously enforced which is very good. Wildrover found this out too as he started a thread bemoaning the fact that all his posts were being instantaneously dispatched to the Random Thoughts bucket (aka Trashcan). Welcome to Random Land Wildrover. You will learn to love it here. I had to laugh at the image of P3 beating himself up at missing the chance to start this new thread. “I wish I’d thought of that Wildrover”. “You will P3, you will”. As good as the performance of the new mods has been I would like to suggest that we have a quantitative measurement regime in place. We should have real targets for each mod that we can measure and review on a regular basis. Things like 25% of all posts to have a red line comment/warning or 100% of my posts to be in the trashcan within 3 minutes. This sort of approach has done wonders for the National Health Service in the UK. (Ed – you are joking right?) The added benefit would be that anybody losing their current job in these troubled times could be employed to dream up, capture and report upon new moderator performance indicators (Ed – you’re right , it is just like the NHS).

Insightful Comment of the Week

This goes to noimmigration, who demanded to know how he could become a Gold Member. Obviously the big link at the top right hander corner of the screen was a little too difficult for him. Incidentally, ever since his latest banning and the fuss made about him at the time, noimmi has had a new resurgence on here. Somehow we have created a literary version of Viagra. Now if we could figure out how we did that we could make a killing.

That will do for now. I need to get some lunch. For the first time in ten days it will not contain either turkey or boiled ham. Ta Ta for now.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Glad you enjoyed your visit to Egypt Outintheyard. The Red Sea is indeed awesome.

It has been a bit quiet on here over the festive season. It would appear that the season of goodwill to all men has ended now.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Hmm. No time to write an Edition as there are just too many parties going on. Instead I shall limit myself to posting a simple message to you all.

Życze Wam wszystkiego najlepszego z okazji Świąt Bożegonarodzenia. Aby spełniły się Wam wszystkie marzenia Nowy Rok. I nie pijcie za dużo w trakcie Świąt!

Rough translation - have a blast


I missed that bit. You are very welcome Polson and thank you one more time for the predictions games.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


I defy anyone to make sense of some of the stuff on here.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Interesting suggestion. I'll leave you to write that one!

I'm toying with two themes for my next contribution:

1) An official report from HM Inspector of Web Forums
2) A spoof script for the resurrection of The Young Ones with certain members as Neil, Vyvyan, Rick and Mike - not forgetting Jerzei Balowski (Polish connection).

I'll decide after a few beers tonight

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

Travel / Poland in photo riddles [3134]

Truffles? Just wishful thinking

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


Ice Hockey? Rules? There's only one BB - hit before you are hit

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


I'll allow that since the bottom of the garden is so overgrown that I'd never notice any size of tent. I'm duty bound to point out, however, that the stream down there flood a fair bit so the new residents might get a bit wet from time to time.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
'Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Well it should be that season, peace on Earth and goodwill to all men and all that, but unfortunately the message doesn’t seem to be getting through to some of us. I refer of course to the ‘lively’ thread concerning what Poland has ever got out of supporting other countries in armed struggle. The debate has been focussed around WWII. This is interesting since the tactics used in the debate to date have been more reminiscent of WWI in that members have dug in in fixed positions and are blasting the crap out of each other with heavy artillery. Occasionally one of us has been brave enough to stick our heads above the parapet. Sadly this has usually resulted in being shot at by heavy machine guns. Maybe there will be an offensive before the Christmas lull where one side will march across no mans land in full formation to be mown down. Incidentally the traditional football match on Christmas Day will this year be replaced by an Ice Hockey match. Given the vivid descriptions of the sport on that thread it would appear to be more appropriate for the more bombastic contributors to the WWII debate.

The general consensus reached by the anti-Brit trenches is that we are all to blame entirely for Poland’s post WWII plight. I don’t wish to comment any more on that but I am prepared to make a conciliatory gesture. This gesture is not to be taken as any form of acceptance of liability by GB plc. Since I would not be here at all today if a Polish pilot had not saved my father’s bacon in the skies over Southern England I am generously offering the people of Poland the bit of land at the bottom of my garden that I haven’t been bothered to clear in the seven years of living there. Obviously this is a token gesture and there is no frigging way I would allow you to get planning permission to build on it. As a gesture I think it to be a generous offer though.

Snap

I notice that PolishgirlTX has chosen her new camera and is busy getting the hang of all its features. All I would say is that pgtx has made a good choice since it’s the same as my camera. I’ve had mine for three months and still haven’t got a clue what I’m supposed to do with it beyond the set it on auto and snap away mode. Any tips gratefully received.

Soap Alert

What a bunch of latent creative talent has been uncovered by the PF Soap. I was tempted to provide an overview of the plot here but gave up when I realised the enormity of the task. The list of characters is growing and growing so even a synopsis of them is beyond my limited abilities. If you haven’t indulged in a read of the Soap yet I strongly suggest you sit down next to a roaring log fire with a glass or two of your favourite tipple and read it cover to cover.

The Rest of the Activity

Hmm. This is going to difficult to summarise. There appears to be a heavy emphasis on the sea at the moment. There are loads of pictures of rough sees, calm seas, denizens of the deep and even barnacle mating grounds. I’m tempted to start posting pics of my favourite lighthouses, starting with Bishop Rock, but am concerned that I’ll be accused of being a geek. Somewhere in my mind’s eye I can see a PF member standing on The Cob at Lyme Regis as the angry sea breaks over them as they quietly wait for their loved one to return from that mackerel fishing day trip.

The terrorism debate rumbles on with remarkably similar behaviour patterns to the WWII debate. This one is going to run and run too I suspect.

Someone posted an article form Lonely Planet that puts Warsaw in the top ten cities to visit in 2009. It would have had more credence if any of the other nine places were actually in anybody’s top ten cities of the world. Maybe they have a different slant on this and they are actually suggesting the top ten places in the world to be lonely?

Well that’s my lot for this week. I’ve got Christmas shopping to do. I’m looking forwards to my weekend in Krakow…

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Cheers for the beers. Steins are a fine invention.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


artistic license and wishful thinking on my part Miranda.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Ah, how good it is to be able to smell the fresh ground coffee once more. The last few days have reminded me what an appallingly bad patient I am. So the first thought that came to mind as the ravages of influenza gradually stopped was to sit down at my computer thingy to pen a few words for the Omnibus. Actually, my real first thoughts were along different lines but this being a family column it’s probably best to quickly pass over them.

SOAP Messages

Go on admit it, the IT geeks amongst you got excited by the headline. Sadly for you, this is not about web services. Rather it is about services to humanity. We refer of course to the brand new PF Soap Opera that has emerged in recent days. The historians amongst us would be keen to identify the originator of this simple but powerful extension to the content on here. We’ll leave it to others to discuss whose idea it was. We would like to concentrate instead upon the sheer quality of the scriptwriters that have emerged. Wroclaw deserves a special mention for publishing the first riveting episode. Building effortlessly upon the emergent characters created by his fellow conspirators, Wroclaw delivered a script full of intrigue, romance and pathos. The reader was instantly transported to the beer stained carpet of the slightly shady Bar Above where a myriad of characters transpired to hold the attention. What would be the reaction of the expectant public? Would they take time to assimilate the direction being taken by the plot? Would they heck! They all started submitting extension to the script. Wildrover, Daisy, Bratwurst Boy, Vincent, Miranda. They’ve all jumped in with telling contributions. And, as I write this, Wroclaw is poised to lodge his second major instalment. The Szarlotka household have pulled up their favourite armchairs in front of the plasma screen; the beer is on tap, the nibbles in place. It won’t be long now before the credits start to roll.

A Ban is not just for Christmas.

It is with immense relief that we can report that the insufferable noimmigration has been handed a well deserved ban from PF. To be honest we could not be bothered to read the final posts that lead to his red card. The general consensus seems to be that he had it coming. Being a goody two shoes and an all round good egg, Szarlotka has never been banned. So he has investigated how exactly the banning is announced and enforced. Surprisingly the investigation has revealed the existence of a strict set of legal frameworks and protocols leading to the issue of a binding banning order. For your general edification we have included a copy of the agreement below:

This Agreement is made this 25th day of November 2008

Between:

1) Polish Forums whose registered office is The Really Wonderful Server Farm, Silicon Valley, CA ('PF')

And

2) Nommigration, whose registered office is the third dustbin behind the Balti House, The Gorbals, Glasgow (the ‘twat’)

Background

PF and the twat wish to enter into this agreement in order to prevent the twat from accessing his user account to the service provided by PF to further propagate his uniquely biased, ill informed and inflammatory views upon the long suffering members of PF.

Now it is agreed as follows:

The twat undertakes to accept that for a period of a twenty (20) years or in the event of his death should this occur sooner, he is barred from using his user account to sign on to PF.

Further, the twat undertakes not to attempt to access the PF using an assumed identity nor to use the user account of any other member, whether living, dead or brain dead during said period.

The twat accepts that any breach of the clauses above shall render him instantly liable to being placed in the Stocks and pelted with decaying vegetable manner.

Entire Agreement

This Agreement constitutes the entire agreement and understanding by the Parties in respect of the matters dealt within it and supersedes, cancels and nullifies any previous agreement between the Parties in relation to such matters notwithstanding the terms of any previous agreement expressed to survive termination.

Each of the Parties acknowledges and agrees that in entering into this Agreement it does not rely upon, and shall have no remedy in respect of, any statement, representation, warranty or undertaking (whether negligently or innocently made) other than as expressly set out or referred to in this Agreement.

Governing Law and Jurisdiction

This Agreement shall be governed by and construed in according with Intergalactic Law and, subject to the Dispute resolution procedure, each Party agrees to submit to the exclusive jurisdiction of the Courts of the Planet Zog.

Signed for and on behalf of PF

ADMIN

Signed for and on behalf of the twat

X

Interesting read eh? Best not get banned now.

The Tender Loving Care Corner

Every so often one or more of us needs to feel just a little bit more loved. Usually this comes about through the normal posts on PF. Every so often, we feel the need to intervene to add that little extra support to a struggling colleague. This is such a time. Think back to the times when you may have felt isolated and alone. Perhaps it was as a stranger in a foreign land surrounded by thousands of people whom you could not understand. Maybe it was back in your school days when you were the only kid who didn’t like Led Zeppelin. If you can relate to that sense of isolation then you can relate to the pain that Bratwurst Boy is feeling right now. Aside from the lunatic Satanist making a brief appearance, BB is the token German on here. Single handed he must defend his nation’s honour on many different fronts (Ed – don’t mention the war Szar). The odds against him have been at times overwhelming. And yet he continues to function, more dogged and reliable than the legendary Mercedes diesel engine. In addition he has belied the urban myth that the Germans have no sense of humour. How can that be when you see some of his football score predictions? All we need now is to have evidence that Austrians and Swiss Germans have a sense of humour too. The Omnibus Edition is proud to salute BB and looks forward to his next contributions muttered darkly from beneath that battered old helmet.

Other stuff

Poetry corner is back. Szarlotka is deeply unhappy that JustysiaS can write better English poetry than him. (Ed - bar's open Szar) Oh sod it........

Life / Reasons for moving to Poland [291]


I'm a doughnut? How sweet LOL

The history to the szarlotka name is that it is how the (then) six year old daughter of a Polish friend of mine pronounced by Christian Name. It stuck ! Plus of course I love apple pie.

Life / Reasons for moving to Poland [291]


I am not a bloke (too chavvy sounding). I am a gentleman ;)

This user name is proving to be a pain. LOL

Life / Reasons for moving to Poland [291]


He he. I've been constantly reminded of that in 26 years of marriage.

Life / Reasons for moving to Poland [291]


I wish you both all the best for a long and happy future together.

Life / Reasons for moving to Poland [291]


That was a joke you know ;)

No offense taken by the way. It's just sad that after four years you feel that way.

Life / Reasons for moving to Poland [291]


Hmm. Nicely balanced view of my country then. I would stay and argue but I have to go an collect my dole money and mug a few old ladies before the pub opens. Cheery Pip

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

sounds good to me. I need some pampering. None of that mud bath stuff though

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

I think you're right. I shall issue a request under the Freedom of Information Act to find out who it was!

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


Talking of which where has our who's online feature gone to?

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Indeed it is;)

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

It’s been a struggle to drag my weary frame to the keyboard even though the need to comment on this week’s action is strong. It’s the ‘flu you see. Friday night and all was well. Come Saturday morning it was like being hit by a runaway train. Nasty things viruses. Anyway, that’s enough self seeking piteous whinging from me.

Hormonal Horrors.

It would seem that Mrs Wroclaw Boy has started to throw the occasional punch his way. Nothing consistent though. Every so often she likes to keep him on his toes by the judicious use of the left hook or right cross. WB is understandably a bit miffed with all this and wants to know if this is a common occurrence. In our view it is quite rare. I can only recall one other mum to be who developed pugilistic tendencies. Just to warn you WB she then went on to try to kill her husband with a kitchen knife after the birth. Never mind, I’m sure that this will not happen to you.

Challenge the Sheep

Miranda started a very nice thread on the subject of the Art of Conversation. Things were going well until PolskaDoll challenged Seanus on his use of text speak, her being a member of the Campaign for Real English or was it the Campaign for Real Ale. Seanus took exception to being challenged on the linguistic front and reeled off his impressive qualifications. Obviously Seanus was having a convivial evening. Why else would he challenge the whole of PF to a contest on the structure and correct use of the English Language. I mean I would feel comfortable challenging people on Chaos Theory or stochastic non linear programming but would never say so. What would happen if Dr Hawking turned up on here? So far the only challenger for Seanus is Magdalena who has made a good start but has had to pop out to the shops or something. On top of the exposed mountain top stands a lonely sheep. What a brave man he must be.

BNP win in Lincolnshire

Relax people. Yes a far right party has taken control of a tiny bit of England. Fear not though. It’s Lincolnshire. Most people there are one sugar beet short of a crop if you get my meaning. The worst that could happen is that the BNP ‘winner’s might be allowed out of the Fens for a few days.

Oh dear, the Ibuprofen is wearing off. The rest will have to wait for another day.

News / GERMANS WANT TO GERMANIZE KOPERNIK (COPERNICUS)! OUTRAGE! [1016]

Copernicus was Cornish. He lived with King Arthur at St Michael's Mount. It's true I tell you. It was in the daily Mail in 1973.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Thank you all. As would have been his wish there will be a party and not a wake.


Avidly. However, the only thing I have in common with the great John peel is that we support(ed) the same football team.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

What I really need to understand is the statistical significance of a PF population of 7070+ out of a worldwide population of the order of 6,737,523,582. It’s not just the statistician in me that is curious. I need to understand it to see whether the views being represented here are really my window on world opinion or whether they merely indicate that we got unlucky and attracted those amongst us who just like a good fight. If it’s the former then I shall put into action Plan B of the Szarlotka lifestyle changes. By which I mean that I will retreat to Szarlotka Towers and pull up the drawbridge. Of course the credit crunch and not being able to go out to work for fear of meeting some strange people means that I would have to find new sources of income. It has crossed my mind to rent out the west wing of the Towers to eco-tourists. The market to live on a farm and feed the cute animals and muck out the stables if too saturated. Anyway the only animals we have are three cats. So instead I intend to offer overseas tourists (home market is financially embarrassed at present) the chance to appreciate the joys of living in Middle England. For a fat fee they will be able to enjoy good old English hospitality. They can have all the fried bread they can eat washed down with enormous mugs of tea. They can sit and watch day time TV pausing only to summons more tea. To make it bit different I intend to give them some rigorous exercise by letting them empty the dishwasher, put the vacuum around and clear next door’s German Shepherd’s poo from the lawn. Should be a winner I think - oh payment in Euros or Dollars only.

Everybody was kung-fu fighting.

Well maybe just fighting. Southern has continued to strive to be the new Alistair Cooke with his latest ‘Letter from America’. The gist of his latest post was based upon his latest observations that Americans appear less prone to resort to abuse and bad manners in resolving conflict. An innocent observation I thought. But no. Within 5 posts it had turned into a US vs the Rest of the World slanging match. WTF has Vietnam got to do with current behaviours? What is wrong with these people? Anger management courses all round are in order. Either that or start a new thread.

Hot tip.

The latest hot venue in town is scotjock’s Bar Above – the virtual hangout for all virtual humanoids. Yes the décor is a bit dated, the disco ball a bit garish and the bar staff are a bit surly but the conversation is pleasant and often witty. Most importantly the bouncers on the door keep out the more unsavoury PF members. Shame the Guinness is not well kept but it’s a small price to pay for a bit of peace and quiet.

And now for something completely different.

Despite the gloomy rant tone to the beginning of this post, a number of posts this past week or so have shown just how sympathetic and helpful we can be. I won’t embarrass the people concerned by singling them out. Suffice it to say that there are a large number of you out there who exhibit the tolerance and compassion that the world needs.

Many of us talk the talk. Some of us can also walk the walk. I would like to dedicate this Edition to the memory of one such individual who died in the early hours of yesterday. Pete, not his real name, was a great friend. I have known him for over 28 years. We met in the military. Events transpired for us to end up serving together in the jungle somewhere. During that time we witnessed some pretty brutal treatment of the indigenous population. Often that was all we could do, witness it. It hurt us badly not being able to intervene. We survived it all and left the forces at about the same time. We went our separate ways and marriages, families etc. limited the number of times we could meet up. When we did meet each time if was as if we had only met the day before. About five years ago now Pete’s wife died. Even then I never hear him complain about the injustice of losing his wife at such an early age. In fact I never heard him complain once about anything. He was one of life’s happy, caring and generous individuals. A year after his wife died, Pete decided to go back to the jungle armed not with a rifle this time but with text books, building skills and an overwhelming desire to help people. He had spent the last four years teaching and fund raising for the people of a remote village. He never had kids and always claimed to have found them in his adopted home. He even chose to die there.

I have lost a great friend and the world has lost a true citizen. A fitting memorial to him would be to try just a little bit to get along with and accommodate the views of others. I don’t really know why I have written this here. None of you knew him. None of you were that lucky.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


Good but not good enough. Anyway it was Boatie and we know that already

Edit - and I was just joking TOO (see I can shout as well).