Off-Topic /
PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]
I sit here on the cold streets of London, homeless and without a job following the Editor’s decision to reduce the overheads of the corporation by replacing me with cheaper Eastern European labour. The rain is falling, my sleeping bag is wet and so far my busking has gotten me all of 57p, 20p of which came from a Big Issue seller that took pity on me. I have not eaten for three days and am waking up sweating following a repeated nightmare where a benefactor gives me a Guinness that I drop before a drop has passed my lips. The wife has left me and the kids explain my disappearance to their friends by claiming I was really a banker all along and that I’ve now been sent to jail.
This is a watershed in my life. I could descend into an alcohol fuelled life of despair or I could rise from this to regain my true status in this world, which is not a lot higher but enough to satisfy my modest requirements. The latter, of course, is the British way. To laugh in the face of adversity, to show the stiff upper lip, to relive the spirit of the Blitz – all of those things that make us great. After contemplating my options I have decided to attempt to make a go of it, mainly because it’s difficult to fall into an alcohol fuelled world of despair when you cannot afford any alcohol. Therefore my friends welcome to……
The Not PF Omnibus EditionNow this may come as a shock to some of you (no names, no pack drill and no sheep) but there is actually a world outside of this Forum. This world has its own fair share of drama, humour, stupidity and love. It also has idiots, weirdos and mindless psychopaths. Not as many as exist on PF of course but they are out there. As a public service I therefore propose to provide you with a quick update on the real world.
Recession WatchIt may have escaped your attention but the global economy has gone down the pan. The River Credit has dried up, every day the newspapers announce more job losses, homes are repossessed and bankers have had their bonuses reduced. The only people who have escaped unscathed so far appear to be Premiership footballers. I wonder if there is a proper noun for a bubble within a bubble? Whole countries are at risk now. Rumour has it that Ukraine will be filing for Chapter 11. The UK’s National Debt is reported to be the equivalent of £33,000 for every single man, woman and child in the country. But every cloud has a silver lining. In this case it is the enrichment of our already rich language. Yes, the recession has changed the fabric of the language for ever. Dinner parties throughout the length and breadth of Kensington are now dominated by conversations along the lines of “Daaahhhhllling, have you seen that George and Tamara have just moved into a simply divine five bedroom detached toxic asset just off Brompton Road?” Hedge Funds have been renamed cesspits. At the same time though, some words have disappeared from use – mortgage, Porsche, Ferrari and recruitment being some examples.
Games Consoles Rot Your Brain, But Wii Don’t CareThis week saw the publication of yet another report on the potential harmful effects of the youth of today spending too much time on games consoles, the internet and watching the TV here in the UK. Apparently the research seems to indicate that such activity is destroying the ability of teenagers to concentrate and reducing their communication skills to those of a new born baby. Funny that, in my experience even when I was a teenager I used to grunt at the parents. “Szar your lunch is ready” “Ugh” “It’s getting cold” “So”. My Mum used to attribute the symptoms from spending too much time playing with my Action Men (in a military sense of course). On a serious note the research seemed to indicate that the changes to brain function were quite serious. The real issue is whether this will evolve into a rapid evolutionary change such that in three generations people will only be grunting at each other. Come to think of it Billericay could be a control experiment.
Maxximus Power.One for the petrol heads amongst you. This week saw the unveiling of the most lethal road car yet. The Maxximus G-Force can cover 0-60 miles an hour in 2.134 seconds and 0-100 mph in 4.541 seconds. The previous best equivalent figures for a legal road car were 2.6 and 5.3 seconds. So it is seriously quick with a massive rear spoiler to keep it on the road. The Stig should love it. It should be the perfect vehicle for the rush hour trip around the M25 (note to non UK residents, this is the London orbital motorway where you’re more likely to cover 2.134 miles in 60 hours).
USA in Poodle Shock.Mrs Obama has announced to the world that to honour her husband’s promise to their children she has selected the dog for the White House. Apparently it’s a Portuguese Water Dog that looks like a bigger version of a Poodle. White House aides were heard to quip that it was the second poodle destined for residence, the first being called Tony Blair.
Israel Bombards English Cathedral CityWell they might well soon. The English city of Worcester (that’s pronounced Wussster Yankees, not War sester) is considering proposals to twin their city with Gaza. I must say the similarities between the two are not immediately obvious. If it goes ahead though you can expect armed patrol boats zooming up the River Severn and tanks in Cathedral Square. Maybe Hamas will open up a local branch. They could set up shop in the old Woolworths.
Talking of GazzaI refer of course to Mr Paul Gascoigne (aka Gazza) who was at once the best footballer in this country and also the biggest idiot in the country. He has been fighting alcohol addiction and underwent a course of treatment which was a little bit different from the Betty Ford approach. It involved talking to horses. Gazza spent hours working with the animals as part of a pioneering treatment known as Equine Assisted Psychotherapy.
The 41-year-old, who is fighting a well-documented battle against alcoholism and depression, has recently finished an intensive 28-day period of rehabilitation at the Sporting Chance clinic set up by former Arsenal and England captain Tony Adams. He told The Sun newspaper: "The first time we went to work with the horses we were taken into the field and were encouraged to interact with them.
"I was stood near this one particular horse and as I was thinking about it, it came over and started nudging me. It was incredible.
"It is a fairly new type of treatment and some people might think it sounds odd but believe me, it is very powerful."
Gazza and a horse were later spotted down the Dog and Duck having a few beers together, sharing a trough.
You Keep Me Hanging on the TelephoneWell if you were in Bangladesh you would still be hanging on. The government there has closed the mobile networks to stop rebel forces communicating. It could catch on. “Employment figures are bad Prime Minister” “OK, shut down the mobile networks, close down the internet” “What about the papers PM?” “No worries, noone can read in the country anymore”
It is indeed a funny world out here. Got to go now folks. I have to get enough money for a ham sandwich.
Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the Streets of London.“God bless you guv’nor”
