Life / Reasons for moving to Poland [291]


The ONLY reason for moving to a country that makes Austria look exciting in my totally biased and irrational opinion.

Life / Awkward Polish dinner party conversations with 'patriots' ... [25]

Just agree with them in everything they say.... Use lots of Cybil Fawlty type 'ooooo I knowwww' s

Nothing pisses off people who are spoiling for an argument more than agreeing totally with them.

News / Freezing weather in Poland, 42 people dead in winter freeze... and no-one cares? [140]

Someone cares

telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/6858650/Carla-Bruni-gives-tramp-100-euros.html

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


It's got the gestation period of a friggin' elephant.... Expectations are higher by the minute...

In the meantime a merry Xmas to all of you

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


Don't have a beerbelly.

Can't afford Viagra.

Inspiration has always eluded me

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Name that loon….

Now that the dark clouds of anonymity have descended upon us and we are now just a name without a visual reminder, it’s high time we had some other way of associating some sort of character to those oh so boring handles. Therefore I have retreated to an old trick I once started on here. It got me into trouble with Ranj when I did it the first time but what the hell, I’ll live on the wild side just one more time before I die. Yes it’s back.

If posters were albums what would they be?

I’ll start. How about

Seanus – Definitely, maybe – Oasis
SeanBM – Is this it? – The Strokes
Wroclaw Boy – Bat out of Hell – Meatloaf
Southern – Are you Experienced? – Jimi Hendrix
Mrs Szarlotka – My Aim is True – Elvis Costello

You have to choose five more where the title fits the poster (or not as maybe). Most original entry submitted before Christmas (in the opinion of an independent jury down at my local) wins our endearing gratitude and a bottle of something nice.

History / Polish hatred towards Jews... [1290]

The Unified Theory. I like it. The only category you missed are the first born male children who are are all builders merchants.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


The empire is waning. There are troublesome tribes in the far east of my domain. Taxes are not being collected. Most importantly, the expenses budget has all but dried up.....

All yours mate;)

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


Only if Ed approves it (usually a magnum or two of champers does the trick);)

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


Excuse me but the Omnibus Edition is not to be polluted by political thought or indeed any form of content with substance. Think of it as the cappuccino thread – all froth;

Szarlotka Index

Today I am in a playful mood.

• 
  Picture1.jpg
  

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


A classic. I'm no nearer undestanding what happens on here, of course, but Now have a smile on my face. Nice one SeanBM

Life / Which Polish product you can easily do without? [51]

No the doll is 7 feet tall;)

Life / Which Polish product you can easily do without? [51]

We have a 'sweet' Babuszka Doll Fridge magnet. It's very, very useless. I could do without it.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


M-G. First Charlotte and now Miranda. You really must control this urge to rename people you know. This obsession with calling people random girls names will start to be noticed soon. It's not healthy.

Life / Polish stereotypes of other nationalities!? [472]

After extensive research I have uncovered the real identity of Hobbes
youtube.com/watch?v=wCQ4oBcuTBY

For you Jurgen , ze posting is over;)

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

The Global Sweetness and Light Edition

Hidden deep amidst the frantic posting of claims, counterclaims and personal abuse of late there lay an impassioned plea from our resident visionary, Lodz-the-Boat. He sees a world without boundaries, where love joins mankind together, where ethnicity and race are not barriers to harmony and where George Orwell novels are burnt at bonfires across the world. Now none of us could really argue against the principles that he espouses. The vision he sets out is a compelling one. It’s just that the chances of it happening seem, shall we say, remote. Across the globe, the usual selection of wars, both official and unofficial, are raging. The value of life seems to be being dismissed casually on a daily basis. So the only hope to change the world rests with posters on this Forum. After all we are in constant contact with the Boat to receive his spiritual leadership and guidance. When we waiver help is at hand. That’s right people, global peace and harmony starts here. Together we can change the world.

Or can we?

The early evidence is none too convincing. Since the plea from our visionary, the following incidents have occurred:

Southern, as well as upsetting most of the females amongst us, has now embarked upon full blown conflict with BleedingRomeo and Nomaderol. They have reciprocated. In addition, BleedingRomeo has now opened up a second front, this time on ShelleyS. Poor misguided soul that he is BR is unaware of the folly of his tatctics. Adolf had more chance in Russia in our opinion.

And then there is the anti-Semitic spat. This one has been rumbling on for some time now and to be honest there are so many combatants we’ve lost track. Right now Sokrates appears to be on the receiving end but he’s not alone.

And then there’s been the conspiracy outbreaks. 911 promoted endless claim and counterclaim. Even Seanus was forced to give up in exasperation when some of us (allegedly) failed to grasp simple engineering principles.

In fact, it’s hard to remember a single thread where we agreed on anything. So much so that the obvious conclusion is that the Boat will have to wait just a little longer for his vision to materialise. About 7,000 years should do the trick. In the meantime, here’s a song to cheer him up.

I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills Oh, peace throughout the land

(That's the song I hear)
I'd like to teach the world to sing (that the world sings today)
In perfect harmony

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony

Cheers, mine’s a Coke. No sod that. I’ll have a Guinness instead – and bring it to my bunker will you. No sense in taking too many risks.

Life / Animal Rights Movements in Poland [56]


Er, I think it is only me that has the right to make claims on behalf of my fellow bears.

Love / Insultive opinions about Polish girls... [139]


No... but they are very good at throwing them in my (albeit limited) experience. Mrs Szar is deadly within 20 metres;)

Love / Polish girlfriend going back to Poland if I dont buy engagment ring [85]


True - but then we all make up and get a rodger-ring so it's OK;)

Love / Polish girlfriend going back to Poland if I dont buy engagment ring [85]

LOl - don't forget the bicker-ring

Love / Polish girlfriend going back to Poland if I dont buy engagment ring [85]

Middle ground solution:

Buy her a ring
Tell her it's an eternity ring
Stress that's how long she'll have to wait for you to show any commitment.

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

The Definitive Guide to Women of the World

It is high time that I bring my many years of experience to bear in closing the multitude of threads on here that purport to classify and analyse women of the world. Quite frankly much of what has been written has been misinformed, degrading to the dearer sex and in some case, outright fantasy. I have therefore penned the definitive statement on this topic. In researching this article I have not only distilled all of my own knowledge but also carried out extensive research among the other regulars at the Dog and Duck, often at the cost of buying them beer I might add. Anyway, all males should now read on. Females may read on but should be warned that some of the enlightenments that I make may be offensive.

Slavic women are prone to wild mood swings and have very accurate throwing arms. They tend to place great store on the faithfulness of their partners and are very protective of their males if this condition is met. The best way in which to attract a Slavic woman is to sit in a coffee bar pretending to read some deeply intellectual book. In Russia or the Ukraine this is best to be in English. If approached to discuss said book be warned that the highly educated Slavic woman will probably have read it and the entire author’s works. Do not attempt to enter into any such discussion. Merely state that it was recommended that you read it by a friend and ask for her opinion. No blagging it Gentlemen.

South American women are prone to even wilder mood swings but tend to have poorer throwing arms. However, they have the ability to squeeze testicles from seemingly impossible distances. They tend to accept the infidelity of their partners. This is mainly a one off acceptance (see note on balls squeezing above). The best way to attract the South American woman is to dance in a sexy but laid back fashion at the slightest opportunity. If you are the proud possessor of two left feet then you will have to feign paraplegia. Even then you will have to sing like an angel.

The women of the Far East present a particular problem in that most of them are very, very petite. Often this means that you will miss them. To avoid this the best way of attracting them is to lie down or at worst, throw yourself on your knees at every opportunity. By so doing all manner of beautiful oriental ladies will enter your life. They tend to be very sweet and kind, until such time as you stray a little. Thai women in particular will likely find a handy machete and remove any need for you to worry about what the South American girlfriend will do to you. The gift range should include portable electronic devices. Flowers just don’t work on these ladies.

Western European women are a diverse bunch and therefore hard to define. In general they tend to be of a much more even temperament and , as experience shows in Olympic sport, have pretty poor throwing arms. There is no way of attracting a French woman that can be applied to more than one of them. Scandinavian women tend to respond to offers of healthy outdoor activities but only concur if you have no heart condition. The Southern Mediterranean woman has much in common with her South American counterparts but instead of dancing I suggest you try throwing expensive sweaters casually over you shoulder and pinching their bottoms. The girls in the UK are a real challenge. The key here is the ability to speak all dialects of the language. It is rumoured that the few remaining native UK Girls like a drink of an evening. Frankly this is not entirely true and is an urban myth put about by men who really do like a drink or ten in the evening. Along the lines of “pwoah, that bird was bloody fantastic last night” when in fact the male in question had actually been at home watching X Factor repeats all night.

I must away now so time precludes my sharing my invaluable insights on Amercan, African and antipodean lovelies.

In leaving I offer one more salient point – when dating an Inuit lady, make sure you do not have a runny nose. Happy hunting fellas.

History / Weapons of WWII (Poland and other countries) [239]


There are honest poiliticans in this country (shock, gasp) ..... but they have the civil servants to contend with who do like to run the world as they see fit;)

Love / My recent experience with a Polish girl. [231]

I have now started ringing a very big bell every time someone in the world is dumped by a Polish girl.....

The bellls, the bells master....

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Shock announcments in Sweden.... Nobel Prize wiinners revealed....

In chaotic schemes in Stockholm today, the organisers of the Nobel Prize Awards had to run a gauntlet of protesters to reveal this year's winners. It was later disclosed that half of the mass ranks of protesters were leading politicans who had not been nominated for the Peace prize. Eventually the organisers made their voice heard to give us the list.

Chemistry - the gentleman who farted in the lift at Szarlotka's workplace today. Strong evidence that he has discovered a new element.
Physics - The award goes to Mr Arthur Gooseberry-Phelps from Little Steepling. Unfortunately Arthur was in the fifth dimenison at the time and so was unable to receive the prize in person.

Economics - Awarded posthumously to no fewer than 487 senior investment bankers.
Medicine - This went to Dr Hook and his merry men.
Peace - This was won by Mr Fabio Capello for getting Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard to play in the same team without bumping into each other.

and finally.....

The Prize for Literature this year has been by our very own Souhern for his seminal work "Slavic Girls and me - The definitive picture" volumes 1-435.

Story ends.

Szarlotka is pissed - Ed

Life / If I say POLAND, you say...? [100]


Dignity

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


I always saw myself as the Laird of somewhere with salmon fishing rights and red deer on the lawn. Throw in membership of Loch Lomond golf club and I'll sign.....

Neighbour dispute now solved. 1-0 to the English!

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


What? the Welsh you mean?

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]


My term for disturbed sleep;)

Oh all right I mis-typed it

Off-Topic / PF - The Omnibus Edition [1502]

Diary of the sad life of an Englishman in the UK – Chapter 1, Just another week
By Pan Szarlotka, age too much, IQ too little

Monday 29th September

Got up around 6.00 when one of the three cats in the household, which are loyal to Pani S and basically hate me, sat on my head, miaowed and scratched me until I had to feed the little bugger. Other two cats insisted on food too. Went to kitchen. Muesli all finished again so had to have cornflakes. Best OJ (with bits in it) was nowhere to be seen. Had toast. Stumbled into shower. Stumbled out of shower. Cut myself shaving. Said goodbye to sleeping Pani S. Asked to sort out non delivery of new furniture during the day. Stumbled into car. Now 6.45. Car parking charges at station gone up again. Train full. Stood all the way to destination. Got into work at around 8am. 150 new e-mails since 6pm Friday evening of which at least 50% are asking me to make a decision with no evidence of anybody having given any thought to the problem. Resend these back to originator saying that abdication is a not management strategy that I recognise. Coffee is off. Hot water supply is off. Only OJ has no bits in it. Have some weird fruit smoothie that costs more than a pint of Guinness. Team start to roll in saying what a great weekend they’ve had. Mainly because they have unloaded all their problems in aforementioned e-mails. First meeting of the day at 9.30am. Lead by strategy team. Good chance for some shit eye. Only net result is the emergence of at least ten new management buzzwords. No decisions. Agreed to form new steering group to agree the terms of reference for the new steering group. Nobody knows what we are steering any more. 11 am meeting with project sponsor. Spend half of it talking about the weekend football. No decisions on last weeks urgent actions have been made. He suggests setting up a new steering group

Lunch was good. Stir Fry. Should convince the Pani S that the new healthy living regime is on track. Decide not to mention the Mars Bar. I love lunch. The staff are the only ones to talk sense. Apart from the mad Filipino woman who makes no sense whatsoever. And that is the opinion of her fellow countrywoman.

Afternoon spent redrafting the redraft of a report that was originally redrafted for submission to Ministers following the comments on the redraft that was required following the comments from the Ministers’ trusted advisors. None of the recommendations have changed at all but apparently this is now fit for submission (as a draft for consultation). Experience tells me that there are at least a further ten iterations to go.

6pm team leave to go for a drink. 200 new e-mails. Most of them are cheeky resubmissions of the ones I sent back in the morning with no changes. Come perilously close to starting smoking again. Only the prospect of Pani S;s reaction stops me.

Get train at 7.50pm. Lots of seats at that time of the evening. Nutter sits next to me and wants to tell me to repent my sins and embrace the Lord. Tell him I’m an atheist. Big mistake as I get the deep advice. Nutter gets up to go to loo so I hop down a few carriages. Leave newspaper at original seat. Tooo scared to go back for it.

8.30pm get back to car. Glory be. No-one has scratched it this time. Arrive back at Szarlotka towers. No sign of lady wife. Note on table says dinner is in oven as she has gone to theatre with her new best friend who is also Polish and therefore understand life better. Shame she doesn’t know English better. God knows what those two are nattering about.half of the time. Take phone call from call centre wanting to sell me a better mobile phone deal. Try unsuccessfully to convince the Indian gentleman that I know I’m on the best deal already. Maybe he thinks I am in the Ukraine? Dinner has burnt. The good white wine in the fridge has gone. Have to drink cheapo Pinot. Urrgghh!

10.30pm. Sit down to watch TV. Nothing worth watching. Go to bed to read and listen to The Doors. 11.30 Pani S returns. Wakes me up to say how good the play was. Decides she must read for a while. Can’t go back to sleep. Cats are hovering. Dog, my only defence, decides to leave. It’s going to be a rough night.

Tuesday – Friday

Ditto in the main. Do get to go for a drink on Thursday down in London followed by a Brick Lane ruby. Aldgate East is another world.

Cats maul me. Pani S mauls me. Car gets scratched again. E-mail inbox full. Decide to leave it that way. Meeting with Ministers cancelled pending another redraft ordered by Trusted Advisors who have changed their minds.

Weekend

Get to play golf twice. Suspect large purchase by Pani S imminent. Shaft breaks on Driver early in first round. Lose many golf balls. Lose mobile.

Read PF. Apparently England is a nasty place to be. On evidence of week I tend to agree.

Eldest phones from Canada. He’s decided to cycle down through South America. Job was no good anyway. Might need some funds in an emergency. Mentally note this will happen somehere around Seattle. Face prospect of working until I drop.

Never next week will be better.