Here are a couple of satirical things I wrote a while back. At the time I was hoping to start a tongue-in-cheek English language mag in Warsaw based around the ex-pat community and current news stories. After a prototype came out the feedback was very negative. Main complaint being that nobody needs to be laughed at, it ain't smart and it ain't funny! ho-ho!
Retail Therapy: 'The Londinium Centre'
Finally, after three years of legal battles, building problems
and a land dispute concerning the laying of the path to the main entrance through a large area of mud (thought to belong to Andrzej, no surname available, a seventy five year old drunk currently residing under the Dworzec Centralny) the multi million euro 'Londinium Centre' has opened its doors to the public! Managing director Sven Glogg commented "it has been a struggle and an interesting yet infuriating task but we are here, the ultimate shopping experience has finally landed in Poland!"
Glogg, a tall, thin, short haired Swede wearing a slightly too large double breasted suit and the kind of glasses an Audi designer might wear to the office was previously manager of 'The Midnight Sun Centre', Helsinki (now closed) and the recently shut down 'California Complex' in Nowy Sacz, he is also currently wanted in Turkey for deception, fraud and tax evasion.
'The Londinium Centre' plays host to over two hundred and fifty retail units, seventy of which are already occupied. Glogg explains the vision of the owners, Grubex Holdings S.A. "Grubex wanted to attract the same stores as in all the other shopping centres, you know, 'Reserved', 'Cottonfield', 'Esprit', 'Empik' and all those little shoe shops that sound as if they are owned by bit players in The Vatican, 'Carlo Ponti' and the likes. The major difference would be that our centre is so big that these stores would be able to open two outlets in the same building, pressurising the consumer into giving up looking for something original and actually buying something from one of those shops selling really weird looking clothes and shoes! I believe this to be a blinding stroke of genius on the part of Grubex Holdings. Other ways in which we differ from the competition include the fact that we are not on any public transport route, making it a hell of a trek for the public and compelling them to at least buy something after making such an effort to get here. So far we have also managed to avoid the smell problems which seem to affect all our competitors, firstly we have no gigantic hypermarket within the building, therefore cunningly avoiding the smell of rotting vegetables and dying carp and as yet there is also no sign of that ever so slight sewage smell drifting through the building. On this final point we do need to wait and see what happens once the punters start using the toilet facilities."
Marek Pithon's Flying Circus
A last minute contender has entered the ring in an attempt to secure the lucrative contract of equipping the Polish Airforce with out of date or unknown aircraft. 'Firepower', a Polish-British joint venture set up by Wroclaw entrepreneur Marek Pithon and retired Black Country miner Reginald Legg was set up in 1997 to fill a much needed niche in the world market. Pichon explains, "We realised that there are many poor countries in the world who are in need to defending their territory yet have a very limited budget and simply cannot afford the most up to date technology. Many of these countries or states do not actually need the latest equipment, they simply need enough firepower to scare a few whingeing malcontents out of their jungle hideouts. We are in a position to supply slightly older military hardware that still has enough clout to do the job required. A client will approach us with their needs and we send out our highly trained researcher (Mrs. Gladys Forthright, 16 Acasia Avenue, Brighton.) to locate the desired product, shortly afterwards a deal is usually arranged and everyone is happy."
As with all businesses sometimes deals fall through and recently an immenent sale to a small West African state collapsed, as did the proposed purchaser, Major Mtube 'The Lion' Ebe. His collapse somewhat encouraged by a few rounds from a Kalashnikov.
Reggie Legg fills us in on what happened next, "This left us with some rather interesting hardware in our warehouse (Neath Industrial Estate, Unit 39, Slough). When we heard about the Polish opportunity we jumped at the chance. The competition didn't really seem up to much, I mean the Eff-16 looks good on the Airfix box but in reality it's a dog of a plane and Gripper have a nice website with some good links to some tasty Swedish sites but let's be honest had you ever heard of it before? We are offering the Polish Government three beautiful, fully airworthy Fokker tri-planes. The planes have been purchased from three interesting sources and have a truly wonderful history. One was a restoration project, twenty five years of love, care and attention to detail by eighty one year old Bavarian farmer Werner Busch. The second had only recently 'seen action' in the 1968 film 'The Blue Max' and was purchased as a job lot from Shepperton Studios where it had been taking up valuable parking space since about 1968. The third had been quite literally hanging around' from the roof of the giant hangar at East Fortune Aircraft Museum near Edinburgh, it had to be sold off in order to compensate for falling attendance figures. I am aware that these are a slightly older generation of aircraft yet must also add that the concept of a tri-plane still has a fantastically modern ring to it. Also the bright red paintwork still looks pretty mean don't you think? Another benefit over the modern competition is that there is no need for modern airfields or landing strips. One can just plonk the old Fokker down on any piece of grass or desert. Super!"
A spokesman for the Polish government who wished to remain anonymous told us "We are looking very carefully at the 'Firepower' proposal. It is very interesting and most of all cheap" adding with a sly grin "If we could charge Panzers on horseback in 1939 then I am absolutely convinced we can fly into 21st century arial combat in Fokker tri-planes!"
Retail Therapy: 'The Londinium Centre'
Finally, after three years of legal battles, building problems
and a land dispute concerning the laying of the path to the main entrance through a large area of mud (thought to belong to Andrzej, no surname available, a seventy five year old drunk currently residing under the Dworzec Centralny) the multi million euro 'Londinium Centre' has opened its doors to the public! Managing director Sven Glogg commented "it has been a struggle and an interesting yet infuriating task but we are here, the ultimate shopping experience has finally landed in Poland!"
Glogg, a tall, thin, short haired Swede wearing a slightly too large double breasted suit and the kind of glasses an Audi designer might wear to the office was previously manager of 'The Midnight Sun Centre', Helsinki (now closed) and the recently shut down 'California Complex' in Nowy Sacz, he is also currently wanted in Turkey for deception, fraud and tax evasion.
'The Londinium Centre' plays host to over two hundred and fifty retail units, seventy of which are already occupied. Glogg explains the vision of the owners, Grubex Holdings S.A. "Grubex wanted to attract the same stores as in all the other shopping centres, you know, 'Reserved', 'Cottonfield', 'Esprit', 'Empik' and all those little shoe shops that sound as if they are owned by bit players in The Vatican, 'Carlo Ponti' and the likes. The major difference would be that our centre is so big that these stores would be able to open two outlets in the same building, pressurising the consumer into giving up looking for something original and actually buying something from one of those shops selling really weird looking clothes and shoes! I believe this to be a blinding stroke of genius on the part of Grubex Holdings. Other ways in which we differ from the competition include the fact that we are not on any public transport route, making it a hell of a trek for the public and compelling them to at least buy something after making such an effort to get here. So far we have also managed to avoid the smell problems which seem to affect all our competitors, firstly we have no gigantic hypermarket within the building, therefore cunningly avoiding the smell of rotting vegetables and dying carp and as yet there is also no sign of that ever so slight sewage smell drifting through the building. On this final point we do need to wait and see what happens once the punters start using the toilet facilities."
Marek Pithon's Flying Circus
A last minute contender has entered the ring in an attempt to secure the lucrative contract of equipping the Polish Airforce with out of date or unknown aircraft. 'Firepower', a Polish-British joint venture set up by Wroclaw entrepreneur Marek Pithon and retired Black Country miner Reginald Legg was set up in 1997 to fill a much needed niche in the world market. Pichon explains, "We realised that there are many poor countries in the world who are in need to defending their territory yet have a very limited budget and simply cannot afford the most up to date technology. Many of these countries or states do not actually need the latest equipment, they simply need enough firepower to scare a few whingeing malcontents out of their jungle hideouts. We are in a position to supply slightly older military hardware that still has enough clout to do the job required. A client will approach us with their needs and we send out our highly trained researcher (Mrs. Gladys Forthright, 16 Acasia Avenue, Brighton.) to locate the desired product, shortly afterwards a deal is usually arranged and everyone is happy."
As with all businesses sometimes deals fall through and recently an immenent sale to a small West African state collapsed, as did the proposed purchaser, Major Mtube 'The Lion' Ebe. His collapse somewhat encouraged by a few rounds from a Kalashnikov.
Reggie Legg fills us in on what happened next, "This left us with some rather interesting hardware in our warehouse (Neath Industrial Estate, Unit 39, Slough). When we heard about the Polish opportunity we jumped at the chance. The competition didn't really seem up to much, I mean the Eff-16 looks good on the Airfix box but in reality it's a dog of a plane and Gripper have a nice website with some good links to some tasty Swedish sites but let's be honest had you ever heard of it before? We are offering the Polish Government three beautiful, fully airworthy Fokker tri-planes. The planes have been purchased from three interesting sources and have a truly wonderful history. One was a restoration project, twenty five years of love, care and attention to detail by eighty one year old Bavarian farmer Werner Busch. The second had only recently 'seen action' in the 1968 film 'The Blue Max' and was purchased as a job lot from Shepperton Studios where it had been taking up valuable parking space since about 1968. The third had been quite literally hanging around' from the roof of the giant hangar at East Fortune Aircraft Museum near Edinburgh, it had to be sold off in order to compensate for falling attendance figures. I am aware that these are a slightly older generation of aircraft yet must also add that the concept of a tri-plane still has a fantastically modern ring to it. Also the bright red paintwork still looks pretty mean don't you think? Another benefit over the modern competition is that there is no need for modern airfields or landing strips. One can just plonk the old Fokker down on any piece of grass or desert. Super!"
A spokesman for the Polish government who wished to remain anonymous told us "We are looking very carefully at the 'Firepower' proposal. It is very interesting and most of all cheap" adding with a sly grin "If we could charge Panzers on horseback in 1939 then I am absolutely convinced we can fly into 21st century arial combat in Fokker tri-planes!"