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A little bummed out


Lilu 3 | 32  
11 Jan 2008 /  #1
I'm kinda stuck in a rut and I feel sooooo bummed out . I really don't know what else to do.. My bf and I have been together 2 year and his uncle in albanian is gettting married and for the past 6 months him and his family were telling me I am gonna go with them this summer to the wedding , and he was all about it and was telling everyone that I was gonna come and all this stuff. And I kept telling them , I am not imposing , this is not my choice but my bf's it's up to him if he wants me to go and if he wants to take that step in our relationship and he kept saying he's cool with it and ya how long would you stay with us the whole time there or break off to go to poland. I told him if I go I would stay for 2 weeks enjoy the wedding and sight seeing and then only fair for me to go visit my family in poland since I will be like a hop skip and a jump away . I told him he's more then welcome to come with me but he doesn't have to go if he feels weird about it . He was ok with all of this and kept bothering me for 6 months you are coming right , and telling me oo it's gonna be soo much fun , you's gonna love it . Now mind you this is the first time either of us would bring someone back home to the families , so it's kind of a big step, bc you know they are gonna think wedding bells but thats not mentioned or thought about at this moment . ( BC he just freaks out and I'm not ready for that either but it could eventualy go there if things get patched up, you know everything takes time and theres no reason to rush things especial rush into I do and find out later it's I don't.) Today he starts telling me this ******** of a line that ohh your gonna have to be aware that there will always more then 18 people around the house plus guest eery day before and after the wedding , there is only one toilet for 16 people who live together , theres no ac , yada yada , then he says well there is also the fact that they are gonna be asking who you are and a single women with out her parents visiting with a family looks not good and they might be looking down on you , Basicly he simply didnt want to say that he doesn't want me to go bc he's scared that his family might think that I might be the one he possibly might think of marrying in the future. Ohh yes and did I mention that his family back home knows about me and they are the ones who where pushing to meet me bc I helped him turn his life around to a good path and were happy and want me there. Also his family here wanted me to go .

I was siting down trying to take things in like wait a min I know how europe is hello .. I know how strict some family morals are sooo wait a min why is he saying all this bs .. and it clicked in 5 secs ohhh I C he's scared and instead of giving in a shot of telling me the truth a long time ago when I kept telling him and telling him it's up to you it's a big step and it doesn't bother me if you don't want me to come along I get it it's ok . Now servral months later after I actually look forward to this beside being scared of trying to understand 90% of what people are saying , now it hurt it hurt alot , bc he got my hopes up , he even told my parents this plan of going with his family back home and at first my parents where like wow um , I didnt even tell them bc I wasn't sure and I didn't want to look like a fool in front of my family when it came down to me not going and this whole thing just being wishful thinking.

For him going back home before ment getting away from that wretched x of his 4 yrs ago and I have completely changed him for the better , everything in his life picked up in the right place bc of me and it's just different now for him , and I get it but why wait so long after he is all excited and telling everyone family and friends that I'm going with them and that it will be a blast and how much fun we all will have , all of a sudden make up an excuse to get out of it so close to the date the ticket are going to be bought and he just backsout completely , even thought I told him there was an escape button months ago and taht I understood all the presure and i didnt want to go if it made things weird . I gave him that evry single time he mentioned it . Now I look like an ass bc I believe that .

So I simply told him I don't want to go anymore anyways bc I feel like I was imposing and I didn't want to give him and his family a hard time trying to explain who I was and what I was doing there to other family friends and relatives. I only would go if he wanted me there , not to just be there and force thing bc thats not what I'm about . I understand he's scared of the commitment and I get it , I'm a bit hurt but I get it. I was never thinking about the marriage thing ,I would never over step my boundries.

But he's mad at me for being hurt and who knows now I haven't heard from him since ..

I'm sorry for writing this long but I just needed to get it out of my head and off my shoulders. And if anyone reads this , thanks for reading .
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699  
11 Jan 2008 /  #2
But he's mad at me for being hurt and who knows now I haven't heard from him since ..

men are from mars and women from venus.. join the crowd of I dont know what the
heck you doing, so I will just guess :))) LOL

I would go. this is 2008.. if you feel comfortable with him, thats really all that matters
and if you dont want people to think anything, ask questions, then see if theres
a place to sleep with the gals.. this way , no ones going to say anything.. and enjoy
your time while your there..

if he came to visit you and your parents, would he sleep in another room away from
you?

go , have fun.. your only young once.. lifes to short. and its better to have loved
then to never have loved at all... :))

oh, forgot the most important, let him cool down.. and just tell him you want to go :)
plk123 8 | 4,150  
11 Jan 2008 /  #3
albanian

yup.
Lucynda 4 | 70  
11 Jan 2008 /  #4
I think you need to put this in perspective, hon. I don't think this is backing off AT ALL! In fact, what your boyfriend was saying is actually to protect you -- people may look down on you, and he doesn't want that kind of rep to be around the woman he cares about.

Also, look at it this way -- is this really the best time to meet your future husband's family? No -- they have a wedding to worry about, and they might feel they couldn't really take care of you, be the good hosts that Polish people, or even Albanian people, are famed to be.

The time to visit his family is when YOU are the center of attention, and it is known that you are coming to be checked out as the potential bride. Then they will fete you , and check you out at the same time -- and you can do the same for them.

Your boyfriend probably really loves you, and invited you to the wedding cause he wants to be with you. Then when the date gets closer, and the details come into focus, he probably realised that there could be some problems, and he doesn't want the first time meeting with his parents to go wrong.

Take this as a sign that he DOES care, and don't be so mistrusting!
OP Lilu 3 | 32  
12 Jan 2008 /  #5
The time to visit his family is when YOU are the center of attention, and it is known that you are coming to be checked out as the potential bride. Then they will fete you , and check you out at the same time -- and you can do the same for them.

Your boyfriend probably really loves you, and invited you to the wedding cause he wants to be with you. Then when the date gets closer, and the details come into focus, he probably realised that there could be some problems, and he doesn't want the first time meeting with his parents to go wrong

I see his parents on a daily basis they love me like a daughter and have shown and said that many times , its the other extened family that he's scared of me meeting bc they will think I am the wife to be and that alone that scares him not the whole focus on who I am bc they know of me . Its the marriage thing thats freaking him out . Trust me on this the focus doesnt have to be on me , so I'd be ok with it but . Point blank he did say it was the marrige talk he wants to avoid . and ya ...

I would go. this is 2008.. if you feel comfortable with him, thats really all that matters
and if you dont want people to think anything, ask questions, then see if theres
a place to sleep with the gals.. this way , no ones going to say anything.. and enjoy
your time while your there..

if he came to visit you and your parents, would he sleep in another room away from
you?

go , have fun.. your only young once.. lifes to short. and its better to have loved
then to never have loved at all... :))

oh, forgot the most important, let him cool down.. and just tell him you want to go :)

Well of coarse I wouldn't be sleeping near him thats just wrong if I did we are not married for me to even disrespect my self and his family by being stupid . That I know I would be sleeping with his female cousins for sure.

And yes if he came to poland he would be also be in a seperate room. And if all this went down and it was supposed to it would have been a good time .

think you need to put this in perspective, hon. I don't think this is backing off AT ALL! In fact, what your boyfriend was saying is actually to protect you -- people may look down on you, and he doesn't want that kind of rep to be around the woman he cares about.

Well he made it very clear that he doesn't want me to go bc once they meet me they will automaticly think another wedding yay! And he's sooooooo far from the wedding thing that he doesn't want me to be anywhere near albania let alone his extened family anytime soon for that and that only purpose.
shewolf 5 | 1,077  
12 Jan 2008 /  #6
Ohh yes and did I mention that his family back home knows about me and they are the ones who where pushing to meet me bc I helped him turn his life around to a good path and were happy and want me there. Also his family here wanted me to go .

How do you know that his family wanted you there? Did they tell you personally? It sounds like his family has very different ideas about women and how they should behave and he's trying to respect that. Maybe they said something to him recently and he doesn't want to tell you.
plk123 8 | 4,150  
12 Jan 2008 /  #7
I think you need to put this in perspective, hon. I don't think this is backing off AT ALL! In fact, what your boyfriend was saying is actually to protect you -- people may look down on you, and he doesn't want that kind of rep to be around the woman he cares about.

Take this as a sign that he DOES care, and don't be so mistrusting!

she hasn't seen or heard from him since

How do you know that his family wanted you there? Did they tell you personally? It sounds like his family has very different ideas about women and how they should behave and he's trying to respect that. Maybe they said something to him recently and he doesn't want to tell you.

that's what i was thinking too, that's why i posted what i posted above.. it most likely is a cultural thing and what he told lilu doesn't sound far fetched at all to me.
shewolf 5 | 1,077  
12 Jan 2008 /  #8
Well he made it very clear that he doesn't want me to go bc once they meet me they will automaticly think another wedding yay! And he's sooooooo far from the wedding thing that he doesn't want me to be anywhere near albania let alone his extened family anytime soon for that and that only purpose.

That doesn't sound very good. What kind of boyfriend is this? It shouldn't matter what people think. I can see why you're not happy about it.

If it were a cultural thing, I would understand but this sounds different.
OP Lilu 3 | 32  
12 Jan 2008 /  #9
How do you know that his family wanted you there? Did they tell you personally? It sounds like his family has very different ideas about women and how they should behave and he's trying to respect that. Maybe they said something to him recently and he doesn't want to tell you.

Ya actually they did , I pick up the language a while ago , I can understand 90% of it but they kept asking to speak to me on the phone when I was over his house and they gave me the phone and I didnt really know what to say beside hello and how are you doing bc kinda akward but they asked me to come to the wedding . And his parent which are here keep bothering me to go shopping with them to pick out nice outfit for the wedding and other like nick nacks and ect and are telling me how it is back there and waht they want me to see and how they hope I like the country and culture.

I don't know this whole thing is sooo confusing I just don't even know anymore. And the thrill of actually going isn't there for me soo either way at this point I could give a rat's asss . I'm just very disappointed and that just makes me a little sad thats all.
ernest_sht - | 4  
14 Jan 2008 /  #10
Hi Lilu, I am from Albania , I just want to say that you must be very patient, because Albanian men are more complicated that usualy. Some of them have a dificult life, also, they are very faithfull, nearly never they have 2 girlfriends at the same time, they are very proud.

If you go at somebody's home at Albania , they will bother you trying to make you eat and drink as much as posible. They will ask you all the time if you like it, or.. if you feel comfortable, or please eat also this, also that ..ect till you get bored, but that is because they are very lovely persons , who just very care about you that's all. Also is one true thing -if the man presents a woman to his relatives it mean that she is her wife, or at least his fiance, or maybe she will be in the future and viceversa if a woman bring a man in the house. Also one big problem for the albanian is that they don't concept the divorce like the institucion. The marriage is a very strong union, not like in some countries that the divorce is nearly 30-40 % . Here is under 7 % so you can imagine what it mean for an albanian the mariage . Woman from Albania, more often can marry foreign man , i have my friend, she married with a Piolish man, also one other with chez man.

If he loves you and ofcourse you love him you must try to study a little bit the albanian behavior and albanian tradicion so you can more easily understand why he acts like that.
JustysiaS 13 | 2,240  
14 Jan 2008 /  #11
If he loves you and ofcourse you love him you must try to study a little bit the albanian behavior and albanian tradicion so you can more easily understand why he acts like that.

well if you love someone you dont get heir hopes up and then ruin it all last minute EVEN THOUGH youve been given plenty of time to change your mind if you felt like it. it does NOT make any difference what nationality you are, if you act like a blinkin' primadonna and change your mind at the worst possible time without even giving the REAL reason why is the thing your other half was so looking forward not going to happen - youre a jerk. not an albanian, but a jerk. lilu at least had right to know the true reason why she wasnt allowed to go to that wedding anymore. what i think is that your bloke freaked out that all his family who already met you loves you and treats you like his future wife, and the family you were about to meet was just the same and all of the sudden he thought - i dont want this anymore. so instead of being mature about it he acted like a coward. dont waste any more time or thought on him or why he is like that. not worth it. maybe he just wanted to have a reason to break up. his loss.
OP Lilu 3 | 32  
20 Jan 2008 /  #12
what i think is that your bloke freaked out that all his family who already met you loves you and treats you like his future wife, and the family you were about to meet was just the same and all of the sudden he thought - i dont want this anymore. so instead of being mature about it he acted like a coward.

Ya he freaked and I have been around the albanian coulture and I understand it clearly soo I already knew once he brought it up thats where things were heading , the thing is i get it , i get why he freaked out and thats not what bothers me its the fact that he waited sooo long and was telling everyone I was going making me look like an assss and got my hopes up just to go see the country and have a good time. I was never thinking about marriage and I knew before hand that people might think that and I was nervous but I just shrugged it off bc I knew what I have with him and those extended members are his family but he makes his own choices in life not them.
ernest_sht - | 4  
20 Jan 2008 /  #13
I am so sorry, you must be a wonderfull person but please dont take it personal even dont worry at all. I just want to add that his relatives (family) really can treat you like his future wife if you meet them, but they will prefere and incurage him to marry with a girl from his country instead, they will put presure on him and thats why he acts like that and thats why he is scared.

He loves you but he cant breik the rules. He can marry but...

I am telling you a breaf story, once i was flying back home and at airport i meet one old man and 2 guys , they were flying back from London, the topic was marriage with an english girl, One of them says to the other What marriage?,after a while your wife will jump out from the bed at the midle of the night and go sleep with the neibor..

Well he might marry you, but what if after 10 years you will say well .. i dont love you anymore, i want the divorce , his life will go waste of, because as i said before the family is the most important for the albanians, they simpy can' concept the breiking of the family even if their wife maybe fat or old after many years of marriage they never do it.

Well some cultural diferences betwen countries are so deep and a person cant' do nothing about it , having a relation is allready dificult imagine if going contrary to the flow

( the direction of the river) it makes it double dificult, so please dont take it personal, he waited so long because he really loves you i think and was prepared to make "sacrifices" but as the relacion go long he changed his mind,, why so rapidly i really dont know , perhaps he have it with two minds in conflict to chose , and he retires at the last moment making the figure of the coward. So pitty ....
OP Lilu 3 | 32  
22 Jan 2008 /  #14
Ok First of all someone getting married on a whim that whole divorce thing will happen . IN MY CASE I'm not going to marry just bc it seems the it thing to do, Listen up buddy you really need to know your significant other very well threw and threw, their stregnth and weakness, their goals in life, their spiritual life if they have one , their family life, their past, what they are hoping for in the future , everything , there MUST ALWAYS BE COMMUNICATION. Yes it's not easy but you need to have patients, understanding , loyalty , communication, love ,ect . Getting married is a big step in life and I don't believe in divorce . So to take that step you need to know everything , respect them and their family and be understanding of alot as well and vice versa. Anything is possible with love but with love there is great responsability and if you are ready for that comitment then and only then it's right to even think about marriage.This isn't a video game where you can hit a restart button when it gets hard , you work threw things and move forward , not hit the escape button. And It's not about who is from where and what color of the skin, If it is truely is love and you are truely devoted it does not matter what nationality you are. Love sees no boundries .

Also It's not that his family is pushing him to marry one of his own , it is his family back home pushing to meet me and pushing to have me be a part of the family , Because I work very well with him. It's like saying where he is weak I am stronge , one hand covers the other you know . So trust me it's not the cultural thing, I have been highly respectful of his culture and his religion and he has been the same for me .

The reason I was upset was bc the last minute mind change and freak out that was irrelevant . The reason he freaked out was bc people would be asking who I was and he was not ready to say fiancee and I don't blame him I wasn't rushing anything everything takes time , and he also was not so sure about the settings of 18 people sharing one bathroom and the condition not being all luxurious and all, He was more worried about that. I have no problem sharing a bathroom and sleeping in a room with all girls what ever it's like a camping trip . So the issue was never if his family will accept me , it was the conditions and him being ready to take that step in making our relationship one step more serious.

Yes this past weekend he asked again if I wanted to go and he was explaining why he freaked out and my answer is still being decided , bc for me to be in europe and not go and visit my family in poland is just a slap in the face , so I am trying to work out the schedualing of things .

Trust me you don't rush into things , it all takes time , baby steps you know.
ernest_sht - | 4  
22 Jan 2008 /  #15
Good luck girl! As you said everything needs its time. I hope the best for you!
OP Lilu 3 | 32  
22 Jan 2008 /  #16
Thank you :)

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