PF - The Omnibus Edition

Nah, the Welsh are alright but I thought you mentioned in a previous post that you were having probs with the neighbours....nevermind........me getting my wires crossed.

I will say to you what I say to Ksyia.....move to Scotland.

3 minute commute, server crashes every Monday (no full Inbox), plenty Golf Courses, the only ministers are in the Church, flights to London for Pani Ss' shopping trips.....you don't even need to tell the kids you've moved !

I always saw myself as the Laird of somewhere with salmon fishing rights and red deer on the lawn. Throw in membership of Loch Lomond golf club and I'll sign.....

Neighbour dispute now solved. 1-0 to the English!

Even worse weather than England.

Shock announcments in Sweden.... Nobel Prize wiinners revealed....

In chaotic schemes in Stockholm today, the organisers of the Nobel Prize Awards had to run a gauntlet of protesters to reveal this year's winners. It was later disclosed that half of the mass ranks of protesters were leading politicans who had not been nominated for the Peace prize. Eventually the organisers made their voice heard to give us the list.

Chemistry - the gentleman who farted in the lift at Szarlotka's workplace today. Strong evidence that he has discovered a new element.
Physics - The award goes to Mr Arthur Gooseberry-Phelps from Little Steepling. Unfortunately Arthur was in the fifth dimenison at the time and so was unable to receive the prize in person.

Economics - Awarded posthumously to no fewer than 487 senior investment bankers.
Medicine - This went to Dr Hook and his merry men.
Peace - This was won by Mr Fabio Capello for getting Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard to play in the same team without bumping into each other.

and finally.....

The Prize for Literature this year has been by our very own Souhern for his seminal work "Slavic Girls and me - The definitive picture" volumes 1-435.

Story ends.

Szarlotka is pissed - Ed

this would encourage more prolific writing (if that's possible) from Mr Southern LOL. Time to find another forum me thinks.

The Definitive Guide to Women of the World

It is high time that I bring my many years of experience to bear in closing the multitude of threads on here that purport to classify and analyse women of the world. Quite frankly much of what has been written has been misinformed, degrading to the dearer sex and in some case, outright fantasy. I have therefore penned the definitive statement on this topic. In researching this article I have not only distilled all of my own knowledge but also carried out extensive research among the other regulars at the Dog and Duck, often at the cost of buying them beer I might add. Anyway, all males should now read on. Females may read on but should be warned that some of the enlightenments that I make may be offensive.

Slavic women are prone to wild mood swings and have very accurate throwing arms. They tend to place great store on the faithfulness of their partners and are very protective of their males if this condition is met. The best way in which to attract a Slavic woman is to sit in a coffee bar pretending to read some deeply intellectual book. In Russia or the Ukraine this is best to be in English. If approached to discuss said book be warned that the highly educated Slavic woman will probably have read it and the entire author’s works. Do not attempt to enter into any such discussion. Merely state that it was recommended that you read it by a friend and ask for her opinion. No blagging it Gentlemen.

South American women are prone to even wilder mood swings but tend to have poorer throwing arms. However, they have the ability to squeeze testicles from seemingly impossible distances. They tend to accept the infidelity of their partners. This is mainly a one off acceptance (see note on balls squeezing above). The best way to attract the South American woman is to dance in a sexy but laid back fashion at the slightest opportunity. If you are the proud possessor of two left feet then you will have to feign paraplegia. Even then you will have to sing like an angel.

The women of the Far East present a particular problem in that most of them are very, very petite. Often this means that you will miss them. To avoid this the best way of attracting them is to lie down or at worst, throw yourself on your knees at every opportunity. By so doing all manner of beautiful oriental ladies will enter your life. They tend to be very sweet and kind, until such time as you stray a little. Thai women in particular will likely find a handy machete and remove any need for you to worry about what the South American girlfriend will do to you. The gift range should include portable electronic devices. Flowers just don’t work on these ladies.

Western European women are a diverse bunch and therefore hard to define. In general they tend to be of a much more even temperament and , as experience shows in Olympic sport, have pretty poor throwing arms. There is no way of attracting a French woman that can be applied to more than one of them. Scandinavian women tend to respond to offers of healthy outdoor activities but only concur if you have no heart condition. The Southern Mediterranean woman has much in common with her South American counterparts but instead of dancing I suggest you try throwing expensive sweaters casually over you shoulder and pinching their bottoms. The girls in the UK are a real challenge. The key here is the ability to speak all dialects of the language. It is rumoured that the few remaining native UK Girls like a drink of an evening. Frankly this is not entirely true and is an urban myth put about by men who really do like a drink or ten in the evening. Along the lines of “pwoah, that bird was bloody fantastic last night” when in fact the male in question had actually been at home watching X Factor repeats all night.

I must away now so time precludes my sharing my invaluable insights on Amercan, African and antipodean lovelies.

In leaving I offer one more salient point – when dating an Inuit lady, make sure you do not have a runny nose. Happy hunting fellas.

Runner-Up: JohnCardwell - My Secret Life with the Czech Girls In Prague

The Global Sweetness and Light Edition

Hidden deep amidst the frantic posting of claims, counterclaims and personal abuse of late there lay an impassioned plea from our resident visionary, Lodz-the-Boat. He sees a world without boundaries, where love joins mankind together, where ethnicity and race are not barriers to harmony and where George Orwell novels are burnt at bonfires across the world. Now none of us could really argue against the principles that he espouses. The vision he sets out is a compelling one. It’s just that the chances of it happening seem, shall we say, remote. Across the globe, the usual selection of wars, both official and unofficial, are raging. The value of life seems to be being dismissed casually on a daily basis. So the only hope to change the world rests with posters on this Forum. After all we are in constant contact with the Boat to receive his spiritual leadership and guidance. When we waiver help is at hand. That’s right people, global peace and harmony starts here. Together we can change the world.

Or can we?

The early evidence is none too convincing. Since the plea from our visionary, the following incidents have occurred:

Southern, as well as upsetting most of the females amongst us, has now embarked upon full blown conflict with BleedingRomeo and Nomaderol. They have reciprocated. In addition, BleedingRomeo has now opened up a second front, this time on ShelleyS. Poor misguided soul that he is BR is unaware of the folly of his tatctics. Adolf had more chance in Russia in our opinion.

And then there is the anti-Semitic spat. This one has been rumbling on for some time now and to be honest there are so many combatants we’ve lost track. Right now Sokrates appears to be on the receiving end but he’s not alone.

And then there’s been the conspiracy outbreaks. 911 promoted endless claim and counterclaim. Even Seanus was forced to give up in exasperation when some of us (allegedly) failed to grasp simple engineering principles.

In fact, it’s hard to remember a single thread where we agreed on anything. So much so that the obvious conclusion is that the Boat will have to wait just a little longer for his vision to materialise. About 7,000 years should do the trick. In the meantime, here’s a song to cheer him up.

I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills Oh, peace throughout the land

(That's the song I hear)
I'd like to teach the world to sing (that the world sings today)
In perfect harmony

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony

Cheers, mine’s a Coke. No sod that. I’ll have a Guinness instead – and bring it to my bunker will you. No sense in taking too many risks.

Mvefa
decided to take his analytical skills to another level and has a serious intention of discussing American nipples. What for? Why? There is no reason to waste his time since America is like Russia. One will never understand it, unless he drinks vodka. Americans don’t want the universal health system, Russian system is practically non-existent. Russian beauties don’t show their nipples either (gee, I forgot to ask ConstantineK if that was true).

Some things never change
Another Polish husband is drinking. When will they ever learn that only Polish partners see drinking as a way of maintaining endangered Polish culture? The cultural subsidies in Poland have dried up a long time ago and people have to resort to home made solution until better times come along.

Polish girls lying
Of course. Why not? How can one get away from Southern otherwise. If it was me I would buy him one way ticket to the Moon but some Polish chicks don’t possess that kind of cash yet. There is hope that beaming up will finally work and MacCoy will leave his smoky basement lab with his arms wrapped around a pretty blond and the glory, which will shine through even the most polluted areas of Krakow.

BTW. It seems to me that things are not sinking in (natural brain resistance) in Mr S case, even though the thread has reached over 170 posts. I hope he is not tricking us into providing him with a well written in English ready to copy and paste material for his latest thesis.

How to please a Polish woman
MareGaea has pleasantly surprised us with yet another original thread on such a “deep” topic. We cannot thank him enough, although I would extend this to pleasing all women. Men will never have to vacuum, take the garbage out, not too mention all the money they can spend on new golf clubs, plasma TVs, cases of beer, pizza……..you name it. The only down side would be that Southern will stop posting. Nah………

Poland’s place is changing the world order
Really. As far as I know Poland has the same borders since the WW2. I think I must get out more.

Do expats in Poland speak Polish?
Well, if that was the case why would so many English teachers end up teaching Poles how to speak English. The undercover Western operation lavishly sponsored by EU money has reached the point of no return and the teachers will be soon replaced. China just won a contract for lunching a huge production of “English speaking chip for Poles”. I heard that the line up are already being formed.

***
So as we can all see, things are still in order on PF and besides some boring topics we can always come here and learn about life’s secrets. That is of course if we have not mastered them yet on our own. If worst come to worst, Southern will lighten up the spirit of anybody who had been fighting off either incurable depression or a simple case of indigestion. I am not sure about the swine flu.

Are you getting all sarcastic on me now, Miranda? I thought my threads on:

- News that makes you feel good
- Posting a picture of your hero
- If you could move PL to somewhere else on the map
- The inframouse infamous Angolese-Polish Banana war
and my soon to come:
- quest for a singer

...were original enough ;)

szarlotka

I recognize much of myself in your description of your average week. :)

>^..^<

M-G (will announce a scrapple soon, although he has no idea what that is)

well, I was in a hurry and your thread stood up, but I think you enjoy the attention anyways:)

M-G. First Charlotte and now Miranda. You really must control this urge to rename people you know. This obsession with calling people random girls names will start to be noticed soon. It's not healthy.

aphrodisiac

And you just love to give me that attention, do you? :)

szarlotka

Charlotte: aphro's old nick is miranda. And miranda is quicker to type, just like Charlotte is. And besides, I do it only with you :)

>^..^<

M-G (tiens)

who is Charlotte? Oh, Szarlotka, he, he.


obsessions, obsessions, obsessions........


Of course I do, you are a hoot:0.


you have never been a Scout, have you?

aphrodisiac

No, never been a Scout, no. Didn't like to run around in a uniform through the bushes.
Don't you go all grumpy on me, now :)

>^..^<

M-G (has to endure aphro's full wrath now?)

no more mention of you in the Ominbus Christmas Issue then;)


yah, you would probably love that being a closet masochist;). Patience, patience- all will come to those who wait.

aphrodisiac

Only from you I will endure it :))

>^..^<

M-G (patient)

The PF house hold is heating up, with yet another member evicted.

Earlier this week we saw another member OsiedleRuda leave but there is a new Gunslinger in town and with the bible in one hand and a caliber 44 in the other, he has made himself almost impossible to deal with but he don't give a damn about the emasculated cowardly fools because if he doesn't get you with the right hand the left hand's gonna.

The inmates of PF are also wondering if they should still hold a grudge against the Germans but it seems they are trying to draw attention away from themselves by pointing fingers, a common tactic in this dog eat dog house.

The attitude of the Polish PF household inmates are impolite and withdrawn, not getting many points there.

The English and one deluded paddy wants everyone out of 'their' house.
They are all lounging around and calling everyone else lazy moaning scroungers.

Another member thinks he can buy the PF house hold for 250,000 zl but the overwhelming response is NO but some are saying wait for the house to crash.

The Jews have not cleaned the dishes.... again and people are telling them to clean up their act.

The Texan from Poland asked everyone to ask her a personal question but when people replied and offered suggestions she broke into and emptied the drinks cabinet.

And our main sponsor 'Taco Bells' have pulled out due to poisoning and bad hygiene.
The houses hold members deny the accusations.

Wroclaw boy is convinced the PF house is haunted and Seanus thought he saw something on his K2 meter and they want to call in the 'Ghost Busters' or at least get everyone to hold hands in a circle and sing the theme tune to the film.

The PF house is just too much for some inmates as Joepilsudski is becoming increasingly paranoid and is arguing with Crow, that all the cameras are part of an elaborate Jewish atheist plot while Crow is adamant that it is not the Jews but the Mujahedin, Islamic league, EU, NATO IN USA and Germany Union or better known, but only to him, as the MILENIUG.

A recent outbreak of vampirism or at least the rumour of it, has made some inmates put crucifixes in each room. Jesus left the PF household muttering that he never wants to see another crucifix again.

Romance is always in the air in the house but the PF lads just don't seem to have the bottle to even talk to the girl and seek advise and conciliation from other members who promptly make fun of them.

Most of the house mates are getting sick of having Polish products and are happy enough that everything they use is made in some sweatshop, oh I mean sweetshop in the people's republic of China.

Delphiandomine is trying to convince all the other house mates that the stink in the washing closet can't be his because his doesn't smell.

And southern has not been seen since the beginning of the show, ever since he locked himself in the closet and refuses to come out.

And last but by no means least we have the double Dutch with their advanced futuristic thinking, wondering when the rest of us apes are going to evolve into something resembling sentient beings but unfortunately none of the lesser life forms can understand that inconceivable language. So the Dutch just end up throwing clogs in a last ditch attempt at communication.

This is SeanBM signing off from another PF household omnibus.
And remember folks "Stay tuned....Stay on Topic."

A classic. I'm no nearer undestanding what happens on here, of course, but Now have a smile on my face. Nice one SeanBM

Great works, the Helmet is pleased!

ha, ha.......well observed Sean. Great work and keep it up!!!!

Happy writing

PS. I can see that there will be a competition in writing the Christmas Omnibus Issue. In a meantime I am going to sharpen my pencils........

aphrodisiac

Is everybody allowed to participate? If so, I have an idea, something with a fairy tale like story about little Joe and Yeehaw deep in the woods and then they encounter the big bad Jewish wolf.

>^..^<

M-G (looking forward to that)

Excuse me but the Omnibus Edition is not to be polluted by political thought or indeed any form of content with substance. Think of it as the cappuccino thread – all froth;

Szarlotka Index

Today I am in a playful mood.

• 
  
  

Don't worry, it'll be hilarious.

How are the plans going concerning your PolarBear rights extremist group?

I see, I see, remarkably flexible (for your age)

:)

>^..^<

M-G (still gonna write it)

ask Charlotte (oh, I am gonna get it for calling him that) - he is the boss here (or maybe I will be spared). There is no competition as far as I know. Does it mean we have to read more contribution from YOU????;)


eh, no- cafe misto from Starbucks (with steamed soy milk to be exact) - mniam, mniam.......

aphrodisiac

The word Politics won't pass my lips.

>^..^<

M-G (still I'm gonna write it)

I guess there is NO stopping you at this point. Shoot away then.........

aphrodisiac

You're darn right :) Don't worry, before I go on my Xmas hols, it will appear.

>^..^<

M-G (the unstoppable)

Only if Ed approves it (usually a magnum or two of champers does the trick);)

szarlotka

Do I sense a hierarchy that is just yearning to be overthrown?

:)

>^..^<

M-G (vive la revolution! Feline revolution!)