PF - The Omnibus Edition

I prefer the term 'master of the strategic retreat'

We av'em rights wheres we wants 'im, preciousssss... ;)

SPLAT

Unless you are unfortunate enough to be blind, to have been permanently inebriated for the last three months or have been otherwise engaged in an incessant campaign of abusing other PF members you will now realise that one of the biggest sporting events of the year is upon us. I refer, of course, to this weekend’s massive paintball extravaganza in the fair city of Krakow. The gallant organiser (organizer if you are in North America), the legend that is SeanBM, has been putting the finishing touches to the logistics for the whole caboodle over the last few days. Interestingly enough the finishing touches (barbeque, beer, wine, women and song) have excited the participants far more than the actual paintballing. Discussions on close quarter, anti-terrorist tactics in confined spaces have fizzled out in a half hearted ‘whatever’ sort of way. There was an initial interest but once the plucky players had worked out that the worst outcome was likely to be a nasty case of bruised coccyx and egos and that death or dismemberment was highly unlikely, everyone seems to be blathering on about who is bringing the potato salad. Maybe the nerves have set in. It could be the thought of wandering around the shell of a building knowing that someone is lurking close by with a fully loaded pain gun just itching to splatter you with the finest Dulux. More likely though, I suspect that it is more of a case of nerves about past posts. You see some of these people have not met before. Just imagine the horror of meeting someone who you have imagined to be a 5’6” seven stone weakling but finding out that they are in fact 6’4”, 18 stone and ex special forces – and you have called them a twat at least 20 times on here. Be afraid, very afraid.

Nevertheless they have committed to appear this weekend. I have of course asked the Editor to fund a trip out to prepare a detailed blow by blow account of proceedings. I pointed out that we could syndicate the story around the globe and more than cover the costs. Sadly the recession and the fact the he has spent this month’s budget on a single bottle of Petrus resulted in the request being denied. So the best I can do is to rustle up this pre-event taster as a tribute to the chosen few, these latter day gladiators, the Magnificent <insert current number here>.

Let me introduce them to you.

Wroclaw Boy
A fairly late entrant to the fray. Has recently become a father for the first time so is therefore likely to fall asleep on guard duty. His demeanour on PF suggests he is the sort of man who will run through brick walls for his team . So he probably will try to do just that and knock himself out fairly early on in the proceedings. Odds on overall winner 12-1

Jay24
Has been fairly quiet of late on here. This could be a deliberate ploy to enable him to slip in unnoticed on the day to deliver the killing shots. Or it could be that he has been in intensive training in the Brecon Beacons. Truly a dark horse candidate, worth an each way bet. Odds 25-1

Niejestemcapita
Ah cherchez la femme. The only lady in the team. She will have the benefit of feminine intuition. Some of the more gullible men will open the doors for her. She must have a good chance unless of course she completely loses her way and starts to blame the GPS tracking system. I have a sneaking feeling that she could be the surprise package. Odds 10-1

Wildrover
There is currently some doubt as to whether Wildrover is actually going to turn up. He may do unless he happens to fall in love again on the journey into Krakow or his Harley conks out on him. For these reasons he must be seen as an outsider. Even if he were to show there has to be a good chance that he will get distracted and start to chat up the girl handing out the paintballs and forget the fighting bit. Odds 250-1

Cardno85
Well he has been talking the talk alright. Keen as mustard this one. He appears to have a positive mental attitude and has not asked too many questions about bruising or the address of a good lawyer. On paper thisman has a great chance. The only concern from me is that by the state of his avatar picture he looks a bit too well built. Too big a target you see. Odds 16-1

Dtaylor5632 & co.
Really the &co gives this one away. Latest rumours is that he will have at least ten attendants with him. How the hell can you creep up on someone with ten people yabbering away around you. I mean it goes against all forms of Standard Operating Procedure. Has also expressed a strong desire for pre-paintballing beers. Odds 30-1

Sausage + friend.
Now then what do we have here? Sausage is coming over from the UK especially for this. You are not likely to do that unless you fancy your chances. The odds are a dilemma for me as I don’t know what sort of ‘friend’ he’s bringing. If its’ a mate then no worries. If it#s a ‘friend’ though he may be a bit distracted. Odds 16-1

Raficoo
Not enough form for me to go on here. Definitely another dark horse. Can he absorb the upfront beers? Is he ex special forces? Has he, unlike the rest, knowledge of which end of the gun is which? A strong each way bet at 25-1.

McCoy
The real deal? Who knows with this man. Which persona will emerge on the day. The cool, clinical character who will take it all in his stride or the knockabout comedian who’s likely to take out his own team mates for a giggle? Damned if I know and if the truth be known he probably doesn’t know himself. Odds 20-1

SeanBMOn the evidence of his pre-disclosed tactics then this man will last about ten seconds. However, this may be a far from elaborate bluff. Surely nobody could be that dumb? And then there is the question of the beer. SeanBM knows where it is. If he’s ganged up on there is a danger that he could clam up as to its location. With this bunch that would be a disaster. Theefore I have to put SeanBM at 10-1.

So there we go folks. You pays your money and takes your chance. Whoever wins or loses there are going to be bruises.I’m sure you will want to join me in wishing them all fair weather, good luck, cold beer and a bottle of wintergreen.

We await the results with baited breath.

To be continued.........

Oohh, I like it, I like it.

Next year, Admin could pay for the moderators to paint-ball us members, as a kind of anger management training course but probably he will just want them to paint his 6 star luxury duplex apartment in the Wawel castle.

an event which in the a(n)nals of history will be known as the "PF Day of Reckoning"
excellent work szarlotka as always

hahahaha... i love that...

Only because you're not going to be there;)

Great work szar :) Though I do like my odds, can I bet on myself?

Can I bet against myself?.

(oohhh, I got a mention in the PF history books known as "The Omnibus Edition" and I didn't have to beg!).
I transferred agreed amount to your Swiss bank account Szar ;)

using your entourage as a human shield... that's not exactly (paintball) cricket

Of course - I accept all currencies;)


No! Mrs Szar knows the account number. I said used tenners!


All's fair in love, war and paintball

Not likely, they will be coming for the bbq, only a few extras for the paintball ;)


Great, I'll wire you the cash.


Indeedy dooo

exactly.... ;)

I am no longer a gold member. Is it time to flash the cash again?

Is there a loyalty card?

The same happened to me a couple of days ago. I don't have the money to join that elite club again. Should we form a veterans club?

You'll always be golden in our hearts, Szar.

Aha! Trying to make up the 66+ comment in the other thread...we saw that... :D



What a quick year. Can't believe it's been a year so fast. Time flies...

Snap! Time just disappears :(

The Omni is still going and so are all the regulars i so love. I toast to you all

In fits and starts. Nice to have you back with ua outintheyard.

Me and lefty are working on this week's omnitram. hold the front page!

Awash with funds from GoldMember renewals PF has bought out facebook. Here is a preview of the sort of thrilling content we will all be "enjoying" soon.

admin is making lots of annoying changes to PF (nobody likes this)

JustysiaS has spent the afternoon telling people exactly what she thinks of them

southern is thinking about chatting up polish girls but worried that he won't measure up

amanda91 is desperately trying to avoid crazed stalkers...

Seanus is in rehab being cured of his addiction to posting on PF...

espana is practicing his English grammar

Wroclaw is keeping everyone on topic

pgtx is adding dots to everything she says..............

Polskadoll is moderating in a harsh but fair way

ShelleyS still doesn't like to think of herself as a racist

espana has thrown a cow pat at himself click <here> if you want to use the Splat-a-Twat application

sausage is offering his face for Polish girls to sit on, no offers as yet

Wroclaw Boy is still driving on the left-hand side of the road despite having lived in Poland for a while now

McCoy is still deciding whether to shave off the other half of his beard

ZIMMY is campaigning for men's rights

welshguyinpola is being a Welsh guy in Poland. Don't you just hate the expression "does exactly what it says on the tin"....

Polonius3 is helping out with Polish names hoping to reach his 500th pointless thread real soon now

wildrover is down on the farm, has turned his Harley into a baling machine

adibjaber still thinks he is in with a chance with Amanda

Facebook? More like Twatter

Nice Edition guys

facebook and twitter are a drug.

yep and like drugs not that good for you, i'm happy to say that i've not even visited the twitter homepage!!! this social networking is going to become an 'anti social' activity, lol, if you see my point :) Everybody on their mobiles or computers instead of going out and chatting, visiting friends and family!!

Diary of the sad life of an Englishman in the UK – Chapter 1, Just another week
By Pan Szarlotka, age too much, IQ too little

Monday 29th September

Got up around 6.00 when one of the three cats in the household, which are loyal to Pani S and basically hate me, sat on my head, miaowed and scratched me until I had to feed the little bugger. Other two cats insisted on food too. Went to kitchen. Muesli all finished again so had to have cornflakes. Best OJ (with bits in it) was nowhere to be seen. Had toast. Stumbled into shower. Stumbled out of shower. Cut myself shaving. Said goodbye to sleeping Pani S. Asked to sort out non delivery of new furniture during the day. Stumbled into car. Now 6.45. Car parking charges at station gone up again. Train full. Stood all the way to destination. Got into work at around 8am. 150 new e-mails since 6pm Friday evening of which at least 50% are asking me to make a decision with no evidence of anybody having given any thought to the problem. Resend these back to originator saying that abdication is a not management strategy that I recognise. Coffee is off. Hot water supply is off. Only OJ has no bits in it. Have some weird fruit smoothie that costs more than a pint of Guinness. Team start to roll in saying what a great weekend they’ve had. Mainly because they have unloaded all their problems in aforementioned e-mails. First meeting of the day at 9.30am. Lead by strategy team. Good chance for some shit eye. Only net result is the emergence of at least ten new management buzzwords. No decisions. Agreed to form new steering group to agree the terms of reference for the new steering group. Nobody knows what we are steering any more. 11 am meeting with project sponsor. Spend half of it talking about the weekend football. No decisions on last weeks urgent actions have been made. He suggests setting up a new steering group

Lunch was good. Stir Fry. Should convince the Pani S that the new healthy living regime is on track. Decide not to mention the Mars Bar. I love lunch. The staff are the only ones to talk sense. Apart from the mad Filipino woman who makes no sense whatsoever. And that is the opinion of her fellow countrywoman.

Afternoon spent redrafting the redraft of a report that was originally redrafted for submission to Ministers following the comments on the redraft that was required following the comments from the Ministers’ trusted advisors. None of the recommendations have changed at all but apparently this is now fit for submission (as a draft for consultation). Experience tells me that there are at least a further ten iterations to go.

6pm team leave to go for a drink. 200 new e-mails. Most of them are cheeky resubmissions of the ones I sent back in the morning with no changes. Come perilously close to starting smoking again. Only the prospect of Pani S;s reaction stops me.

Get train at 7.50pm. Lots of seats at that time of the evening. Nutter sits next to me and wants to tell me to repent my sins and embrace the Lord. Tell him I’m an atheist. Big mistake as I get the deep advice. Nutter gets up to go to loo so I hop down a few carriages. Leave newspaper at original seat. Tooo scared to go back for it.

8.30pm get back to car. Glory be. No-one has scratched it this time. Arrive back at Szarlotka towers. No sign of lady wife. Note on table says dinner is in oven as she has gone to theatre with her new best friend who is also Polish and therefore understand life better. Shame she doesn’t know English better. God knows what those two are nattering about.half of the time. Take phone call from call centre wanting to sell me a better mobile phone deal. Try unsuccessfully to convince the Indian gentleman that I know I’m on the best deal already. Maybe he thinks I am in the Ukraine? Dinner has burnt. The good white wine in the fridge has gone. Have to drink cheapo Pinot. Urrgghh!

10.30pm. Sit down to watch TV. Nothing worth watching. Go to bed to read and listen to The Doors. 11.30 Pani S returns. Wakes me up to say how good the play was. Decides she must read for a while. Can’t go back to sleep. Cats are hovering. Dog, my only defence, decides to leave. It’s going to be a rough night.

Tuesday – Friday

Ditto in the main. Do get to go for a drink on Thursday down in London followed by a Brick Lane ruby. Aldgate East is another world.

Cats maul me. Pani S mauls me. Car gets scratched again. E-mail inbox full. Decide to leave it that way. Meeting with Ministers cancelled pending another redraft ordered by Trusted Advisors who have changed their minds.

Weekend

Get to play golf twice. Suspect large purchase by Pani S imminent. Shaft breaks on Driver early in first round. Lose many golf balls. Lose mobile.

Read PF. Apparently England is a nasty place to be. On evidence of week I tend to agree.

Eldest phones from Canada. He’s decided to cycle down through South America. Job was no good anyway. Might need some funds in an emergency. Mentally note this will happen somehere around Seattle. Face prospect of working until I drop.

Never next week will be better.

At least you have nice neighbours :-)

Thanks for a day in the life of a week.

Nobody can say "if you don't like it here, go back to .... emmm" yeah.


Did you mean 'shut eye' and it was a slip of the wrist? :)

My term for disturbed sleep;)

Oh all right I mis-typed it

What would Fraud say? hahahaha

What? the Welsh you mean?