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Toxicity of SOME Polish Mothers Towards Their Daughters


Videobroker 11 | 22
2 Jul 2022 #1
Mother and Daugher

Is there an invisible umbilical cord that never gets cut between Polish mothers and their daughters? My girlfriend is always worried about her mother, what her mother says, what her mother thinks, that her mother won't accept a visit from us for a couple of hours, or an afternoon, that we have to stay overnight on a weekend. I find this to be too much. I don't like to spend my entire weekend (days off work) at her mother's house. It's fair to mention that both her father and mother don't get along and sleep apart. I don't see a lot of attachment between Polish fathers and daughters but the mothers, oh my hell, it's too much. Is this an individual case, perhaps, or should I reconsider marriage to Polish ladies? I have tried to talk it out with my girlfriend, calmly and all I got was: "Stop talking about my mother!" OK, stop wanting to get married to me then! (I don't say that, but I feel it!)

The same seems to go for Ukrainian girls. Every time I dated one, inevitably there was the constant calling to andfrom mother, and the conversation about mother. Mother called during our dates and spent 45 minutes on the phone while I watched my food get cold. Is this a cultural thing? I am of Italian heritage and lived in the USA for most of my life. Italians also seem to have a notorious motherly attachment, but I am starting to think Polish takes the cake. Also, many Polish girls have told me the reason they don't want to date or marry Polish men is that they are Mama's boys and generally expect the wife to be like their mother and baby them. I know we shouldn't generalize but my Polish/Ukrainian dating experience has really shown all these issues. I guess you marry the girl, you marry the mother too. One package?

Sad to say, but my own biological mother always stuck her nose into, and caused conflicts in her kids' marriages. I didn't end up well.

My girlfriend and I talked and she agreed she could end up being just like her mother. I mentally made the sign of the cross and saw myself alone boarding a plane back to California.
johnny reb 48 | 7,000
2 Jul 2022 #2
Is there an invisible umbilical cord that never gets cut between Polish mothers and their daughters?

Sad to say but this is true.
Mother-in-laws always come before husbands do.
The Holy Bible says, "Leave and cleave" but it falls on deaf ears.
Many divorces have been caused by helicopter mother in laws.
Same with children, they always come first in a mothers life by always being put ahead of her husband.
And nothing is going to change that so get use to the fact that men are born to suffer in a marriage.
Be ready to always be third or fourth or worse.
This topic has already been hashed out in another trolling thread here.
Atch 22 | 4,117
2 Jul 2022 #3
Spending every Saturday or Sunday with your parents seems to be the norm for Polish adults.
Cojestdocholery 2 | 1,191
2 Jul 2022 #4
California.

Talking about a toxic place. Find yourself a wife in California.
Paulina 16 | 4,355
2 Jul 2022 #5
@Videobroker, often both daughters and sons have close relations with their mothers in Poland. But there's "good close relations" and "bad close relations". Those "bad close relations" are usually when the mother is a toxic person. Adult kids of such mother often have problems with setting boundaries in their relations with their mother and have problems with standing up to her. It always has to be the way the mother wants.

The problem is that in Poland there's something I would call "family terror" and the "terror of the elders" (parents, your aunts and uncles always know better, even if you're an adult already). Families are often closely-knit. Family is everything. Family is the most important. You don't turn away from your family. And for a toxic type of a Polish Mother not spending Christmas or Easter together once in your life may be a "betrayal" of epic proportions lol And she will make you feel guilty for this.

My girlfriend and I talked and she agreed she could end up being just like her mother. I mentally made the sign of the cross

Oh dear lol
So what is her mother like?

I don't see a lot of attachment between Polish fathers

Yes, because often there's isn't much attachement. Maybe this is one of the reasons why Polish women may have stronger bonds with their mothers than their husbands... Because they weren't taught to have bonds with men? I don't know... Either way, it's kind of sad.

My girlfriend is always worried about her mother, what her mother says, what her mother thinks

It sounds like your girlfriend needs to grow up... How old the two of you are, btw?

You know, the first step is to realise that there's a problem. I would give your girlfriend articles to read about toxic relations in Polish families, especially between Polish toxic mothers and their daughters. They've been an eye-opener for me. And not only the articles, but also the comments under those articles and blog posts of psychologists. It looks like there are a lot of Polish women with the same problem - their toxic mothers.

Maybe that will be enough. I think you should at least try. If it doesn't work, it is possible that she'll need a therapist's help with breaking that umbilical cord.
Novichok 4 | 7,803
2 Jul 2022 #6
The first thing you do is move away from your own parents - the further the better. If there is an ocean somewhere in between them and you, your life and theirs will be nearly perfect. In my case, it was the Atlantic. Never once did I hear "are you sure you want to marry her" or "you are so pale".

The second thing you do is pick a woman who is already at least 500 miles ways from her parents to prevent daily visits. Again, in my case, it was 700 miles.

If they live in the same town or, God forbid, across the street, you are going to be suicidal or divorced very soon. If you like the one you have, move but be prepared for "I hate you" because she will miss them and will blame you for everything including her alcoholism, gambling, and cheating.

Whatever the physical distance, set the limits early and stick to them. If you want a look ahead, watch Everybody Loves Ray re-runs.

Final point: Never, ever take sides with anyone - your own parents included - against your wife. She will remember this act of treason for the rest of her life.
Paulina 16 | 4,355
2 Jul 2022 #7
Spending every Saturday or Sunday with your parents seems to be the norm for Polish adults.

Sweet Jesus, have mercy... It defenitely isn't the norm to spend every Saturday or Sunday with your parents for Polish couples... People have their own lives.

Never once did I hear "are you sure you want to marry her" or "you are so pale".

So true lol

Family is everything. Family is the most important. You don't turn away from your family.

Btw, in my case all those teachings came from my mother. My father had generally "wywalone".
johnny reb 48 | 7,000
2 Jul 2022 #8
Because they weren't taught to have bonds with men?

We call them, "Man haters" or "misandrists".

Because they weren't taught to have bonds with men? I don't know.

You don't ?

The first thing you do is move away from your own parents - the further the better.

Take Novi's advice as truer words have never been spoken.

Btw, in my case all those teachings came from my mother.

You don't say.
Help us understand.
How did she get along with your father ?
How did you get along with you father ?
Polish woman always want to know the whole families private business for ammunition.
It is a control issue of sort to control everyone else so they don't have to answer to anyone. :-)

Cut down on your quotes please
OP Videobroker 11 | 22
2 Jul 2022 #9
I laughed at some of your replies and comments and I am here thinking, OMG, so this is all true. I thought maybe it was me because I was never too emotionally dependent on my parents or family. By the way, I am not young, I am 20 years older than my fiance, she's in her early 30s! So I am a mature man. I thought perhaps it is my maturity that is making me paranoid, or wiser? I do expect daughters to have a level of attachment to their mothers and I do respect a different culture than my own. I also know it is futile to try to say, "In America, we do it this or that way" - Nonsense in Poland. In Poland, they say, "here we do it this or that way" to which I always reply, "That's fine. I respect that but it doesn't mean it matches my views, or that I have to embrace this as you do." (Silence). My girlfriend and her child (father lost all rights) now face the fact that they may need to move to the USA if they want to keep this good-looking fellow (I have a face for Radio) with them. Of course, her preference is that I stay here because "holidays are SOO IMPORTANT" to us Polish. You will be sacrificed to the Piwo Gods if you miss a holiday with the family! But missing a holiday with my own family in the USA seems to be okay. This is what I hear in response when I ask if she's ready to spend the 2022 Xmas with MY family:

youtu.be/Re72di5phM0
Novichok 4 | 7,803
2 Jul 2022 #10
I am 20 years older than my fiance, she's in her early 30s!

DO NOT MARRY HER!!!! She is too young for you. Max diff = 7.

If you are stupid or "in love" - which is the same kind of mental defect - at least DO NOT BUY LIFE INSURANCE!!!! and have a prenup if you have more that 500 bucks.

Also, never respond with any details to "tell me how you feel". It's bait that will be used against you at your divorce hearing.
Paulina 16 | 4,355
2 Jul 2022 #11
We call them, "Man haters" or "misandrists".

Not really, they're the exact opposite from your point of view. They're usually those traditional Polish mothers and wives who go to church, take care of kids and the house, bake 20 cakes for Christmas and make their own families spend every freaking holiday with her "original, most important" family. That is, if they didn't rebel and turned into their toxic mothers or their mother's little slaves.

You don't ?

?

Polish woman always want to know the whole families private business for ammunition.

The toxic types - yes. My female cousin even forbade her mother (=my aunt - my mother's sister) to tell my mother about her personal stuff. That's because my mother is a toxic person. And so is her mother (my aunt). Actually, both of my mother's sisters are toxic. The youngest of them is the most normal, but still...

Btw, my aunt is still telling our grandma about my cousins's personal stuff and my grandma is repeating all of that to my mother, so my mother gets to know stuff anyway... *sigh* I f*cking hate it. Fortunately the younger generation seems to be more normal.
Cojestdocholery 2 | 1,191
2 Jul 2022 #12
It sounds like your girlfriend needs to grow up.

Maybe he is just not used to it, because his own an adult his mother told his to F off and not to show his face without money. You just can't take evrything one says as it face value. The context is often missing and you don't know the contex and not nothing that you don't read the situation correctly.

It well might be he has a problem or the girl just hide behind her mother - saying of I can't do it beacuse my mother when in fact she doesn't want to do it and at the same time doesn't want to argue about it.

My father had generally "wywalone".

It shows.
Paulina 16 | 4,355
2 Jul 2022 #13
@Cojestdocholery, I've seen, heard and read too many stories like this and I know all the patterns, signs, etc. It looks like that it's usually daughters of such Polish mothers that are more affected by those toxic relations, than sons are. From what I've noticed it's easier for sons to cut that umbilical cord.

This is what I hear in response when I ask if she's ready to spend the 2022 Xmas with MY family:

lol
Even we would sometimes spend Christmas or Easter with my father's parents. Very rarely, but still... Nowadays I kind of understand why my mother maybe wasn't so eager to spend holidays with my other grandparents - her mother-in-law was also a toxic person lol ;/

Has your girlfriend met your family already?

It shows.

How? From what I've noticed Polish men often have pretty much "wywalone" as far as family matters are concerned, so my father's attitude isn't that unusual.
Cojestdocholery 2 | 1,191
2 Jul 2022 #14
How?

you have issues with men. My father was the oppossite he was meddling too much. I had issues with him over that. On the other hand my mother is a voice of reason and a common sense. I trusted her so much, but then my first real relationship failed as I was disapoined and let down by a girl. I suppose I was expecting too much lol!

her mother-in-law was also a toxic person

The often are, on the other hand that relationship between mother in law and daughter in law is legendary.

Has your girlfriend met your family already?

No, why do you ask, do you want to replace her lol!? I mean we can laugh it off but why do you even care?
Paulina 16 | 4,355
2 Jul 2022 #15
@Cojestdocholery, maybe she met Videobroker's family before and wasn't received/treated well by them and that's why she doesn't want to spend Christmas with his family? I don't know, so I'm asking.

do you want to replace her lol!?

No, of course not lol Why are you so shallow? I'm trying to help Videobroker.
OP Videobroker 11 | 22
2 Jul 2022 #16
@Novichok
I don't believe in ageism, and neither does she. Age is not the core of this topic. Polish mothers-in-law is.
Novichok 4 | 7,803
2 Jul 2022 #17
Ageism is just another bs from the anti-discrimination manual and an attempt to pretend that age is just a number. It's not. It's about body parts falling apart and "growing old together". That also means dying together. To do this, the man has to be 5 years younger, not 20 years older.

If you marry her, she will live alone for 25 years.
pawian 222 | 24,343
2 Jul 2022 #18
between Polish mothers and their daughters?

No, there isn`t. Depends on a person. My sister didn`t rely on our mum when she started her own family. So didn`t my wife.

The same seems to go for Ukrainian girls

Bullshyt. You are making tall tales now. :):):)
Cojestdocholery 2 | 1,191
2 Jul 2022 #19
No, of course not lol Why are you so shallow?

Me? You clearly like me, I asked because that suprised me.

Polish mothers-in-law is.

Is all right unless she is not. there is nothing much more to add.
pawian 222 | 24,343
5 Jul 2022 #20
but my own biological mother always stuck her nose into,

That is why today you are subconsciously trying to recreate that situation by dating women who depend hugely on their dominating mothers. I understand now why you are generalising about Polish and Ukrainian females. The problem is in your own psyche, not in the females and their mothers, some of who are like you suggest while some aren`t.
Chicagoan
11 Jul 2022 #21
Talking about a toxic place. Find yourself a wife in California.

American women? They have weird relationships with their fathers, incestuous for sure (on an emotional level). The wife/mother in the American family is a ghost, has no relationship with their daughters.

That's why he's in Poland dating Poles and Ukrainians.
OP Videobroker 11 | 22
9 Oct 2022 #22
@Novichok
That's a valid point. But If I married someone older, no fun sex and I can't choose who I am attracted to. She has zero issues with our age difference and she got sick and tired of me trying to remind her. I went as far as saying if you find someone your own age, you could be happier. She said with Polish men, no thanks. I would rather be single for the rest of my life. This was her reply. She's not the only Polish lady to share this type of antagonism against their own countrymen. Currently, she's driving me crazy with her behavior and blame-shifting. My leg is almost on the way up to kick her arse out of my life. But I keep giving her more chances to change.
Novichok 4 | 7,803
9 Oct 2022 #23
But I keep giving her more chances to change.

Don't.

If you don't like what you are getting now, you will really hate things later since things NEVER get better. Ever. Just like our bodies.

The problem with women is that they morph into mothers, nag, give pointers on how you can be a better man, and always want to have the last word.

Men, before they say I do, should insist on a contract with Article 1 saying: Under the penalty of death, I promise to always be your lover and a friend, not your mother and supervisor.
johnny reb 48 | 7,000
9 Oct 2022 #24
My leg is almost on the way up to kick her arse out of my life. But I keep giving her more chances to change.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.
What I will never understand about the creatures is how they can get up in the morning and say, "I'm going to kill my unborn baby today."
Alien 20 | 4,925
10 Oct 2022 #25
@johnny reb
I can understand it very well.
johnny reb 48 | 7,000
10 Oct 2022 #26
Then please explain it to us.
Alien 20 | 4,925
10 Oct 2022 #27
Because for many "creatures" their unborn baby is nothig others but an "alien" in their womb.
Kashub1410 6 | 690
10 Oct 2022 #28
@Alien
That's messed up, their own kid? What's wrong with some people
Alien 20 | 4,925
10 Oct 2022 #29
That is a question of psychology and legislation.
Kashub1410 6 | 690
10 Oct 2022 #30
@Alien
So you are messed up as well. It's not up for questioning...

What's next? Questioning if humans have skin?


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