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My Polish Relationship Marriage ..story to be told. [USA/PL]

SeanSmartsNY 1 | 17
7 Feb 2013 #1

I have been reluctant to post here for quite sometime, but I need to the ability to reflect and share my experiences with my personal relationship/marriage that I am currently involved in with my Polish wife. I was very young when I got involved with his girl, she is 29 now and I am 34 years old but I feel my experiences regarding our history needs to be shared for others to reflect upon. Also would like to get a lot of this off my chest because its extremely disheartening how this relationship has turned out.

Met my wife in NY as she was an Au Pair through the common agencies that you find promoting live-in positions for young girls looking to come to the United States and work. A lot of the stories these girls share with some of these rich families they work for are usually 9 times out of 10 less than ideal. She was working for a fairly good family, had money, father stayed home, mother worked for bloomberg in NYC. They never gave her weekends off, she only came here apparently to learn english but look at us almost 10 years later, she is married with papers and far more independent than where she began. I have to admit going into this relationship, I was young and naive just as her, I had my doubts. Had a bitter break up with another Polish Au Pair that left me for someone who could offer her more, and was apparently dating this person towards the end behind my back. So going into this, I wasn't really feeling it 100% as to trust issues with the last girl and reluctance to fall back in love with someone in her situation. Remember when I begged for her to stay here when her visa expired, live with me, and even then I was still uncertain of my choices. She really is a sweet girl, when she wants to be, don't get me wrong I still love my wife, but things have got between us as she tries to find her place here in the United States living as an "individual" that she apparently wants to be. It appears not after all these years of living with me, she sees me as someone not to listen to, and does what she wants.

So back to my point, I helped this girl move away from the original family after they found a new Au Pair, we lived together for quite sometime. Then she found another live in position with a Jewish family that had 3 kids and was bringing up two twins, the girl was old enough to attend school in the morning. Would go over there from time to time to stop in say hello. It was another less than ideal situation, but I put up with it while I was going to college. To keep it brief they started out with limited requests then it became me dropping her off 6am then picking her up at 10pm at night. Somehow we made it through this, pressed on, and worked out our differences and were back living together after that was all said and done. After that there was another family she worked for with two older children, only helped them go off to school in the morning and stuck around until they came home, mostly cleaning and cooking for this one family. Woman was again, fairly abusive to a point of swipe of the finger on furniture to see if she dusted the house properly. Or making a mess of things, just for her to clean. Insulting really, for not just her, but me going through this having to hear about my wife which we did get married right before she started working there. Which later turned out to be 5 years of working for this one family. So I have been with this girl for almost 8+ years now. We have been through a lot together.

So here is it, we are currently separated not living together for 3months, mind you, this is right after 1month being back after a 2month stay with her family in Poland over the summer. While she was living here gathering money, not paying rent, eating for free, not sharing any expenses she gathered $30k in cash. Me being the nice stupid gullible American that I am never asked for a penny. Only once she paid for my ticket to Poland, and provided some other things in between but mainly she saved the brunt of her money she made and never really contributed anything. She went through nursing school, got her RN degree/license while all this took place. Married me, and it appeared it wasn't for papers, but now I tend to differ. She apparently got what she wanted, and I am still the one to blame in this. I admit I was less than perfect of a husband, we did have times where things weren't great, but over-all I thought we were compatible together as a husband and wife.

It all started with college, some liberal feminist ideologies embedded in her head possibly? She was so impressed by this one professor at this school, because she cursed and spoke her mind and said whatever she wanted with out concern. Was odd to see her impressed by this woman. Just didn't see her changing, becoming more self-entitled, growing apart from me. She found these two friends at college that both were dysfunctional in their relationships, but I didn't see it, birds of a feather flock together. The one girl was dating a lawyer in NYC, and he blatantly tells her to face, I don't see you as my wife and she still continued to see this guy at his convenience. She had at the time nothing in common with these two girls, but apparently she gravitated towards them for reason I did not see at the time. Influenced her to smoke marijuana for the first time, and she was exposed to it around me and I never once forced it upon her or tried to get her to do it. So again, at the time, this stuff went right over my head. Not saying my wife is stupid in anyway, scored top of her class, high honors but I'm sorry this just made it worse for me to live up to these standards, but atleast at the time I thought she truly loved me.

Spent various summers in Poland visiting her family trying to show I cared, and wanted to be a part of her life, but she always found some way to paint that as not a big deal and I guess it was expected of me to put aside work and myself for this girl in the process. Married the girl knowing she needed to get a green card and visa to go back and see them, for this relationship to grow, but she held things back over the years. She patiently waited, and calculated her decisions over the years. Got what she wanted and now I am the one to blame, she doesn't know if she wants me back, and I am at the receiving end of this game. Now I admit I am not a perfect person, but here I am almost 10 years later trying to fight for her to be a part of my life again. Telling it will be different, we can have the things we need in life, we just have to work together in this.

Invested in real estate in Pennsylvania (Pittsburgh) try to get some rental property to impress upon this girl, show her, look see I can make our lives better. I'm working towards the future, these rentals will help pay the bills, the mortgage, car-payments for food. Have been working hard to show this girl, see I am doing a lot of this for you, but she has a totally different way in understanding this. So for me its difficult to move on with my life, knowing I tried, and I'm still trying.

That was the problem from the start, everything was separate, the money and family. You would think all this time, when she would 'skype' with her family invite my parents in front of the camera to say hello. Nope, for her it was all separate in her eyes. Even friends, I never knew any of her friends from school. She went out to gatherings at the bars with other class-mates never was invited. She was ashamed of me, the person who just enabled all of this to go on for her, all expense paid on my behalf. Even her other Polish Au Pair friends that she first met when she came to the country that worked in the area she started in, that she is still friends with today, only met this girl 3-times over the past 8 years or more. My friends were always a part of her life, I wanted her to get to know them. It was just natural for me, but a lot of that is said and done my friends now are all starting families its no more parties at the beach. Things have changed. Not sure what to think of all of this in its entirety. That is why I am hoping to vent on here, tell my story and see what others think I should do in this.

Here is the real reason for our separation, and I will just tell it as she told me with no heart and concern for me. She was, during college, going for her clinical tests/schooling at hospitals in the local area. To gain experience, and so the teachers/professors could see for themselves if they have what it takes to be a nurse. While all this was going on, she was doing a procedure on a male, inserting a catheter in this man's penis. Now no big deal right? Yea its part of the job. How can I be jealous, be stupid of me. Just with this one individual, he wanted to talk with her, get her number. Now the school can't give this stuff out, the hospital can't do it either, but somehow he gets a hold of my wife, or finds her at college campus, don't know the full story. So even after all the attempts this guy made to find her number or her, my wife still accepts this guys invitation to go out with him, for a walk in the park and a meal at a burger joint. Now this all happened before she went to Poland for the summer, because she told me when she got back and I was trying to influence her to move to PA and leave NY. Convenient for her, right? Almost as if, if I don't get my way, I will show you mentality.

I just don't know what to do. I kicked her out of my place because I thought she was cheating on me, and now I have to live with my decisions, because now that she is again living with an old Au Pair friend again rent-free believe it or not its me fighting for her to come back.

She also uses lines like "I don't cum when I have sex with you" isn't that a sure sign of a cheater? She reserved some emotional attachment to another person in order for something like this to happen.

Right now the situation is as stands, we are seeing each other may twice a week, only total 10 hours maybe tops. We are still married, technically. She almost made it appear that she wants to get pregnant now. Almost as if these are the new conditions into us getting back together, on top of what I was told. Like an idiot I am trying with her, but now today I ask her to tell me when are you moving back in here and she tells me "she needs more time." "i love you like a brother" "i'm confused"

Seriously I'm at my wits end in this marriage, and I am thinking its best to admit this girl used me to get papers, her drivers license, and her RN degree all expense paid by little old me and apparently by her standards I deserved it.

Regards, Sean. ( the sucker )
TommyG 1 | 361
7 Feb 2013 #3
She also uses lines like "I don't cum when I have sex with you" isn't that a sure sign of a cheater?

It's a sure sign that someone doesn't satisfy her in bed.

Oh well not to worry. Plenty more fish in the sea.

Some advice stop looking for Polish girls because you heard somewhere that they're easy.

Go to a bar tonight and meet someone new.

good luck with your life.

I think you're gunna need it :)
local_fela 17 | 172
7 Feb 2013 #4
mate you've already done enough.. i think you need a lawyer more than our sympathy!
OP SeanSmartsNY 1 | 17
7 Feb 2013 #6
My fault for being honest. Didn't mean to bore you with marital issues, but some guys need to be warned what they are getting into.

She has one friend who is just looking to marry for papers, and is actually arranging a marriage where this guy is living with another girl just for money so she can travel to Poland. That is all marriage is for some of these girls. These are just facts. You have honest men, looking for a real relationship, then you have women that are just manipulative, and immoral in their decision making process. All because they are out for themselves. Its unfortunate, but I speak from experience, and first hand knowledge. My life has been turned upside down because of this girl, and she is just cold and calculated in her thought process, reading through other posts on here, it appears to be somewhat of a norm for a lot of these girls from Poland. They want control over their men. They seek out beta males that they can control. The minute you become assertive and dominant over them, they seek out another partner even tho they may not love them they look only for providers in ideal circumstances of all expense paid.

..and as far as the sex life i kept up fine in the sack..

I have heard from various people Polish women from the south are better lovers than from the northern region of Poland.
TommyG 1 | 361
7 Feb 2013 #7
..and as far as the sex life i kept up fine in the sack..

That's not what she said. Wait... that's not what you admitted either... try foreplay next time...

The minute you become assertive and dominant over them,

The moment you become an over-jealous (probably violent) control freak...

You have honest men, looking for a real relationship, then you have women that are just manipulative, and immoral in their decision making process.

You have honest women naive enough to think that all foreign men are gentlemen... then realise they cry like a b1tch on an internet forum, telling the world personal intimate details of their relationship...

These are just facts

The only evident fact here is that you are a troll.

I have heard from various people Polish women from the south are better lovers than from the northern region of Poland.

Well, better luck then in your next conquest. For now you can always just jerk it...

Hope your wife meets a real man who can satisfy her sexually :)

Good luck mate!
OP SeanSmartsNY 1 | 17
7 Feb 2013 #8
Yea apparently you speak for everyone.

The moment you become an over-jealous (probably violent) control freak...

Yea me buying a house outright in Pittsburgh, PA with no mortgage asking my loving wife to move with me and start a family is typical of a control freak these days, and it is against the norm. You are correct, 60% divorce rate in the United States. Correct, majority rules.
TommyG 1 | 361
7 Feb 2013 #9
asking my loving wife to move with me

Unfortunately you see her as a Polish girl rather than your wife.
Why would you come here to cry on a forum?
Can't you call your mum or dad?

Seriously? If she was Canadian would you be on a Canadian forum right now saying that all Canadian girls are this that and the other?

No. The truth is is that you're a troll.

Your 'relationship' didn't work out. That's fine. Maybe you can find a nice Mexican Latino au pair for your next wife...

Seriously, good luck...
pip 10 | 1,659
7 Feb 2013 #10
do not have a kid. It doesn't make anything better.

how about calling this life experience a "life lesson" and move along. You are still young, enjoy your life and find somebody new.
OP SeanSmartsNY 1 | 17
7 Feb 2013 #11
Unfortunately you see her as a Polish girl rather than your wife.

What you want her full name? Seriously. This is a "Polish" Forum linked from a PolishBride site. Seriously get real.

Sorry I'm Irish/Russian/German/Polish .. I only stick with my own. Thank you very much.
TommyG 1 | 361
7 Feb 2013 #12
This is a "Polish" Forum linked from a PolishBride site.

What are you doing looking at Polish bride sites?

Is that how you 'met' your Polish wife? Or is it where you're looking for a replacement?

What is the cost of Polish brides these days mate? How much did you pay?
OP SeanSmartsNY 1 | 17
7 Feb 2013 #13
Its just a fact, searching for other peoples problems with their marital affairs, came across this site linked from not my fault that is how the internet works.
dtaylor5632 18 | 2,007
7 Feb 2013 #14
So you were on a site about finding new Polish brides while your marriage is in tatters... Thumbs up!
sadieann 2 | 205
7 Feb 2013 #15
It simply isn't a mutual loving relationship. Your love to her appears to not be reciprocated. By relaying all this on a Public forum you will receive hard answers to questions you've already answered. Once trust and dividedness has escalated to this point, don't languish over the past, but move on. Through the process, when times are painful remember how she made you feel. Ask yourself if this relationship makes you happy. Life is precious don't let another eight years go by.
OP SeanSmartsNY 1 | 17
7 Feb 2013 #16
Sorry, I only wanted to share my experiences, and not start a flame war.

All just leave it at this, find a girl that has family in the country she resides, save yourself the headache. If she has no family, forget it. Its not worth the trouble or headache.

Good day.
7 Feb 2013 #17
This is common client-servant syndrome. It is insane relationship, but have to be supported by both sides, just as you wrote.
It looks you were a part of her economical plan, her job. Earn in dollars, spend in Poland, meet wealthy American, avoid obligations.
Don't take it too personal. Sorry for these 10 years.
Any cultural/national differences? I can see some obsolete Polish cliches:
Go oversea where you should earn as much as you can and be ruthless.
Every American is rich and every Pole is clever.
However it looks that not cultural/national but social/personal differences are the most important here.
You forgot to write us who - in fact - she is. What is her social background, her family (parents, grannies, siblings) - their province/locality, social class, occupation, ancestors, family history, etc.

Do you think that every Pole is dreaming of stuffing overseas penises or picking up overseas boys?
TommyG 1 | 361
7 Feb 2013 #18
It is insane relationship

Of course it was. It was always doomed to failure.
How can a lady have a relationship with such a silly little boy who cannot even fulfil her sexual needs?

Do you really think that she's crying on an American forum saying what a loser he is?
And that it's all his fault because he's an American and tried to buy her love?

I doubt it.
pedromiguelppin - | 17
7 Feb 2013 #19
Don't generalize every relations by your own experience... My girlfriend is also polish, I met her in poland during a trainee, then by coincidence when I came back to my country she came also for a trainee and we start to date. She come back to Poland where she has already guarantee a Phd in Warsaw. But she find out some new Phd in my country and she choose to stay with me. I'm still finishing my studies and she is receiving a grant from Phd, so for the few months left for me to finish I can't divide half by half our house expenses... so I'm almost sure she didn't came here to take advantage of me...more, for few years Poland also belong to EU so if some polish girl want to have better life what for go to USA when they can move to england, switzerland, france, germany (or any rich country in europe) without the need to use a man to get some papers...!? For not to say that Poland is not this extreme poor country it was some years ago!

I don't understand why people like to generalize so easily... many polish girls are what we can call a b****!? Sure... but many, for not say the huge majority are normal person that is just looking for love, happiness and personal realization, like the girls from any other country.
ukangel 8 | 56
8 Feb 2013 #20
Did she keep personal contact with her patient? You can get her strike off from the nursing register.nurses are not allowed to breach confidentiality,maintain personal relationship with patient and she is very unprofessional.shame on such kind of woman,heartless and ungrateful.
OP SeanSmartsNY 1 | 17
8 Feb 2013 #21
Sorry your incorrect, all I did was be there for this girl, struggled like the rest of us. I'm not money bags, hate to break it to you. I did not try to buy her love only earn it. She put herself through school paid for it on her own, all I was a stepping stone for her to gain advancement and be done with me. I'm trying to start my own business, build capital like any other average joe, and set-up my future accordingly. She just refuses to play nice in this.

We were out in PA working on one of my investment properties, I do all the work myself, she was helping paint and get the house in order. Any other girl that loves their husband would see this opportunity and take advantage of it. Where is the togetherness with this woman? She tells me she will never cook and clean for me. How can you pretend to be marriage material with this attitude. She is scared to become her mother. Where her father will work in Germany for months on end, while her mother is stuck to mend the menial tasks back home. Was trying to get a bathroom in order, left it unfinished, because she only gave me 1-month of her time, and asking for the extra week to stay there was hard enough to get that out of her. She seen the bathroom was unfinished, but she had to get back to her friends. Then the night I returned back from NY or the following she went out with her friends. Asked her to come back early, and she did, its only fair the woman is married the next morning she woke up crying. She never invited me over her friends house, never knew where she lived, I dropped her off once and she did this backstep when I looked in the rear-view mirror as if she was trying to throw off which way she was going. Never followed this girl once! She is mentally insane, its all about living a secret life, but that is over for me I don't care what she does anymore.

My sexual life maybe I shouldn't mention, but it plays a role in this. She must have slept with someone behind my back, not sure, don't know the full story. She keeps saying if I tell you something, will you be okay with it. I keep asking what is it? She says nothing. Nothing happened.

Behind what means is it to seek out a separate life. She wants to have her cake and eat it to, she wants me hanging around while she tries to make up her mind but at the same time going out to the bars clubs all dressed up without me, flirting with other guys taking numbers, as a married woman. When I was recently with her, she told me she still had a phone number of a doctor in NYC that would help her get into a hospital as she got approached in a bar. This is only weeks after our separation. I'm sorry but I have to just see it for what it is, she is only in this for herself.
sadieann 2 | 205
8 Feb 2013 #22
. I'm sorry but I have to just see it for what it is, she is only in this for herself.

A married person doesn't do the things she has to you. As a couple you should work together to build a future together. There's no flying solo. Did the good out weigh the bad? You're still young with no children. Continue forward.
OP SeanSmartsNY 1 | 17
8 Feb 2013 #23
The best times we had were in Poland visiting her family, when I stayed at her parents place for two months, and got to know her mother and father, grandmother and her two brothers. Stayed in Poland almost 8+ months all together over the years. Most of the time we were her in NY it was a lot of frustration together, because the quality of life is nowhere I would like it to be, there is a cost for living here in NY that is why I wanted to move to Western-Pennsylvania. Its just nicer out there cost of living is low, quality of life is better, but she is so impressed by NYC and glitz and glamor, sex-in-the-city nonsense its ridiculous. Its all new to a small town girl, population of her town is 5,000. She is greatly immersed now in this NYC life, and I fear there is no changing this fact anymore. All I was looking for was a simple life, and the fact she has no family here, its all about her friends.
sadieann 2 | 205
8 Feb 2013 #24
The best times we had were in Poland visiting her family, when I stayed at her parents place for two months, and got to know her mother and father, grandmother and her two brothers. Stayed in Poland almost 8+ months all together over the years

And that's how it should have continued..We all believe in the fairy tale romance. The problem is we can never change another into this 'ideal'. It wasn't meant to be.
pip 10 | 1,659
8 Feb 2013 #25
Sorry I'm Irish/Russian/German/Polish .. I only stick with my own. Thank you very much.

what exactly does this mean? you are quite mixed-- what is your own?
jimborup 2 | 12
8 Feb 2013 #26

My advice:
1) Do not have a kid
2) Obtain as much evidence: adultry, her financial status, anything really
3) Lawyer up
4) Divorce
5) Buy PS3
6) Game on
phtoa 9 | 236
8 Feb 2013 #27
Best advice ever seen on PF
MarcinD 4 | 135
8 Feb 2013 #28
My experience has been that USA society drastically changes Poles. At a much much more accelerated pace than the new Westernization of Poland is currently doing. Changing as in putting family and values (Communist strengths) behind money and entertainment (Capitalistic strengths) Long story short it's difficult for many people to accept the new home without letting go of everything from their past home. We saw this with Polish-Jews moving to the USA after the Holocaust and Polish immigrants throughout the past 3 decades. Otherwise the individual is constantly stuck in limbo, comparing the two systems and countries. Never truly happy. It's much easier to do what I would state is the attitude of most Polish immigrants (Not my family): USA is land of opportunity and although it's not perfect, it beats standing in long lines for food or having Russia turn off the gas etc. My point being it seems like she used her parents (negative) experience in Europe to shape the goals she wanted in the USA.

But the tricky part is that a significant amount has changed in the USA & Poland the last 10 years. USA was a booming economy and culture before 9/11. Now 10 years later, Poland is a solid weight in the European Union and the USA is IMO a sinking ship (Whites minority by 2043. Rap dominates Pop Culture, Addiction to Sports, Declining Education etc etc). I think this might add to her uncertainty. Her stakes in the USA are even bigger now because she invested 10+ years and......IMO life in Europe is better for the middle class. I could see why as the USA declines, she feels the need to jump ship and find a partner who is very safe economically, if not booming. Add to that point, you live in NYC. The capital of the Haves & the Have nots.

Just to assure everyone, this Polish girl wasn't way out of your league in terms of looks right? If she is, then that would explain the sex issue. Kinda off subject but Poles are known for their passion. Many times acting with their heart before their brain. USA has been a "Super-power" for 70 years, turning them lazy. During that period the white-male in this country has been beaten over the head with the Civil Rights movement and then the Womens Movement. My point being: Maybe you need some passion in your life. At your still young age, this is exactly what you need.

It sounds like you wanted an immigrant wife that would be obedient and motherly but you went to the wrong place. Eastern Europe (Yes I know Poland is central now) is no longer like it was 10-15 years ago. For better and worse, the economical expectations are higher.


My advice:
1) Do not have a kid
2) Obtain as much evidence: adultry, her financial status, anything really
3) Lawyer up
4) Divorce
5) Buy PS3
6) Game on

No. No. No.

Gym before Buy PS3
8 Feb 2013 #29
Sean, yor story is the same of millions other guys.

Let's say that on average:

Man's average salary: 2,800.00 USD
Woman's average salary: 2,400.00 USD

the real incomes are:

Man's average income: 200.00 USD
Woman's average income: 5,000.00 USD

OP SeanSmartsNY 1 | 17
11 Feb 2013 #30
Well here is the situation as it stands, I dropped off the rest of her things at her friends place where she is currently living to try to seek closure with myself. Had some words with her current room-mate letting her stay there rent free. This girl, she told me, is to nice and she is almost like a sucker. So I had to try to do what is right for this other Polish girl, because I fear she is using this girl like she used me. I know for a fact, this girl telling her you can stay here with me as long as you want, was based on her painting the picture it was me that was abusive, and I want her back. So I had some explaining to do, and made sure I showed this was not infact the case. Had to tell her, sorry, she is using you like she used me. Make her pay rent, she has money saved. How come your letting her stay here rent free. The girl manipulates people, and straight up uses them to her advantage, and I am not going to be a part of this anymore.

She is still searching out a nanny-babysitter position, even tho she is a registered nurse in the state of New York. Its leaning towards me filing for divorce, I can't resolve this situation. She has a serious issue with me, and I can't be a part of it anymore. Calls me to tell me about a nanny position in NYC with some family where their daughter works on a NBC show playing a role in one of their shows. Three kids total living in a town house. She gets interview by another Polish girl, only been there 9 months, and guess she has had enough. Makes sure she tells me the questions during the interview 'Are you married?' and 'Your husband is okay with this, you working here?' This girl seriously has a problem, not sure where it stems from, but its obvious at this point there is seriously a problem at this point. She gets so flattered that these kids were clinging to her and loved her right off the start of the interview, the mother telling her, 'my god never seen them like this before with anyone else.' Not sure what the hell is the problem. Seriously. It wouldn't matter if I told her 'I'm not okay with you being a babysitter' .. This entire time I thought it was about becoming a Nurse, and now its back to babysitting, some spoiled brat in NYC. There is a real disconnect here, and I'm seriously just filing for divorce at this point, and I want to move on with my life. She keeps telling me 'Don't worry I'm not looking for other guys' but seriously I am the only one in this marriage at this point, and that is not how it was supposed to wind up.

Her father would not accept her mother doing this, no other normal guy would accept their wife doing this, and I'm certainly not going to accept this.

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