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Are Polish mothers-in-law monsters?

3 Apr 2011 #31
That is exactly what I figured there was a history between you and the mother in law, no better time to turn up the heat than when the wife is away all stressed out on a new.

Are you not reading as it is a history between us as a famliy my wife and I, Jesus you know how to beat a thread to death don't you.
3 Apr 2011 #32
As the thread is about Polish Mother-in-law, your statement was about taking the keys off your M.I.L because she visited your home while you were out, your reaction was to cause a scene and take her set of keys from her, claiming

but my wife gave her implicit instructions to respect our privacy

well, according to the information you provided, she did respect your privacy as she visited you when you were at work, maybe to see if you needed food or groceries or for some other reason.
3 Apr 2011 #33
well, according to the information you provided, she did respect your privacy as she visited you when you were at work, maybe to see if you needed food or groceries or for some other reason.

To be honest, it is a rather Polish trend for the mothers in law to be overbearing - I think it's at least partially related to the whole concept of calling them "mum" after marriage.

An Englishman's home is his castle, after all.

or for some other reason.

That could very well be it - from what he's saying, it sounds like there's some pretty nasty history there between the mother and her children.

I wouldn't want my mother in law coming round uninvited either, and nor would I dream of visiting her place without asking to do so either.
3 Apr 2011 #34
As the thread is about Polish Mother-in-law

Do you know me? Do you know my family?
As you seem to know a lot about my mother-in-law and her actions lol
Oh, by the way, how can someone visit you when you are not there? As I work one morning a week on a Thursday at a University conducting conversation lessons as I have done for the last ten years to a group of Professors; she knows when I am in or not!

All the rest of the time I work from home and when she wants to come round she usually phones and says when she will be round, which was something my wife agreed with her not me.


I will just have to bow to your superb interlect on family matters and I am mortified I cannot be as good as you
3 Apr 2011 #35
To be honest, it is a rather Polish trend for the mothers in law to be overbearing.

They are very much overbearing, I would much prefer the Polish M.I.L than the British M.I.L type.

Englishman, castle and all that, I agree totally.

I will just have to bow to your superb interlect on family matters and I am mortified I cannot be as good as you

No that is not necessary, it would be better you apologize to your M.I.L, buy some flowers and keep peace in the family.
3 Apr 2011 #36
Nah... It's okay, I will just dream of being a better person like you who knows it all; somehow, I don't think I will reach such dizzy heights of perfection though.
4 Apr 2011 #37
This is exactly the type of reasoning, that caused your M.I.L to be keyless.
4 Apr 2011 #38
Excellent, you finally understand my reasoning ;0)
4 Apr 2011 #39
you finally understand my reasoning

I do. You provided enough info to make a point. I hope she will learn the lesson. Some older people in Poland think that they can get away with things. I still have to teach my father certain things - eg. how to be honestly involved in my life without being patronizing just because he is my father.
4 Apr 2011 #40
Some older people in Poland think that they can get away with things. I still have to teach my father certain things

You would have thought at his age, he would already have learned. Can he do all the basics ?
Ashleys mind
4 Apr 2011 #41
Are Polish mothers-in-law monsters?

It depends how their children raised them...
4 Apr 2011 #42
You would have thought at his age, he would already have learned. Can he do all the basics ?

Where do you get off being so opinionated and judgemental?
You have presumed so much in this post it is almost farcical.
4 Apr 2011 #43
Interesting, I do not agree with you on certain issues, although I do not judge you on your lack of ability to handle a situation correctly. I believe you have to "grow up to Polish culture".
4 Apr 2011 #44
I believe you have to "grow up to Polish culture".

I have lived in Poland for ten years and probably know more about Polish Culture than you do and using the word 'correctly' is according to what, your view on life, that is hardly being objective is it?

The world is a very big place with lots of different views on things and we cannot always fit square pegs into round holes.
Some people are just who they are and no amount of input from yourself will change that, sadly this is our position and we have to make do with the situation and believe me we have tried.

I think we are just going to have to agree to disagree and accept each others views on this matter.
Have a good day ;0)
4 Apr 2011 #45
I think we are just going to have to agree to disagree and accept each others views on this matter.

I will accept that. I hope things work out for all of you.

I have lived in Poland for ten years and probably know more about Polish Culture

ukpl, it is not a pissing contest, so lighten up. At ten years, you are still a junior to me, but that is not important, as far as Polish culture is concerned I am happy to hear you value it in the same way that I do. Nothing worse that someone from the UK, trying to create little britain in their front room.
4 Apr 2011 #46
so lighten up.

Speechless, truly speechless !!!
You couldn't make it up ;0)
4 Apr 2011 #47
uKpl, did you work out yet that 'Mother in Law' is an anagram for 'Woman Hitler' lol
4 Apr 2011 #48
You be careful there warszawski, as that might be misconstrued by some as an offensive joke against mother-in-laws. lol
And the last thing I want on my conscience is you deviating from your good standing with your mother-in-law because of my perceived woeful responses. ;0)
5 Apr 2011 #49
uKpl, did you work out yet that 'Mother in Law' is an anagram for 'Woman Hitler' lol

Honestly...this is a true story... when i got married some long time ago my wifes mother was wife was mother in law actually served with a Waffen SS unit , she manned an anti aircraft gun , which was attached to a Warffen SS unit to serve as an anti tank defence against Russian tanks...

When i joined the TA i had to declare any relatives in communist countries and the i told them my mother in law was in the Waffen SS... of course they thought i was making a joke , but when they realised i was not they said i should put it down on the form , but that it probably won,t make any difference as Germany was now part of NATO...

I have to say my mother in law was a wonderfull friendly person , unlike her dad , he was ex R.A.F , and never spoke more than two words to me...
5 Apr 2011 #50
he was ex R.A.F , and never spoke more than two words to me...

Chocks away?
5 Apr 2011 #51
I don,t know... he mumbled...could have been chocks away..or bombs away...?
f stop
5 Apr 2011 #52
how to be honestly involved in my life without being patronizing just because he is my father.

that is hard to do. Parents and children develop emotional buttons that might be all but invisible to the outsiders.
My father was very controlling, and even tho I swore to myself that I won't do that, I'm accused of it constantly. It's very difficult to stop being a parent. Not to give advice when you know of a way of doing something better/easier/smarter, because there's no way left to disquse what you're trying to do.
5 Apr 2011 #53
Gotta love PF sometimes: two foreigners (Brits?) fighting over who's more in tune with Polish culture :DD
5 Apr 2011 #54
I think it is hilarious, its nearly as funny as People of Polish decent that have not lived in PL fro 10 or 20 years trying to tell you about Polish reality in 2011. Priceless lol
5 Apr 2011 #55
Who is doing this to you, poopsie? How dare they!!

Ashleys mind
5 Apr 2011 #56
Not to give advice when you know of a way of doing something better/easier/smarter, because there's no way left to disquse what you're trying to do.

It's ok... it shows you care. :)
5 Apr 2011 #57
YES!!! Mine is for sure! She, her daughter and her husband, and husband's brother have all tried to break up our marriage, before they barely knew me at all, but no one more than the mother. They are so jealous/possessive, they cannot stand that the pecking order has changed, and that this is an expected, natural and supported event that must occur in marriage, especially if both spouses are to be one another's number one support when children arrive. I think about our children that we now have in the aftermath of all this mess, and my in-law's behavior causes old hurt and anger to well up fresh because its so unfair to our children that their father's family treated their mother so badly, and caused such an unnecessary schism. We are all supposed to be on the same side. The mother attacked me with physical violence, even though I did not touch her at all, or ever allude to such behavior to her; I was respectful of her body space and rights. She is a very controlling, explosive, passive aggressive, unhappy, manipulative, and extremely insecure bully. She used to successfully manipulate my husband against me, which he now understands is wrong and does not do. For example, we were in Poland, I was sitting in a chair, my husband and his mother were standing over me. We were having a heated discussion about how I thought it was wrong that I not be on our business account, even though it was my business, work and investment too, in my country as well. Our company was even named after me. As if it was my in-law's business to have a say in it at all! The mother was on my husband's side, as always. The little sister in-law came in the room and started to yell at me. She is 10 years younger than me, and always spoke disrespectfully to me by telling me how to speak, behave and live for example with not one measure of self responsibility. I became even more angry at this added injustice and would not let such a little **** yell down at me, so I stood up to leave, and my mother in-law pushed me back down with extreme force. My husband saw her do this, and followed suite by helping her to push me down. It was extremely humiliating, among a long list of humiliations in just a short year and half. I could have resisted and muscled my way out of that situation. I am no weakling. But their behavior shocked me still. I was in shock to be imprisoned and no respect for my basic civil rights by my in-laws. In all the countries I have lived, I have never been treated with such disrespect in our overall relations, and this situation is just the tip of the iceberg! The father in-law is an extreme alcoholic. I feel sorry especially for the mother because she had to deal with that hurtful mess, but this is no excuse for her disgusting behavior to me. The father at first admired and liked me. He just stared and stared at me the first time we met, looking very happy. But then later spoke against me by telling his son to leave me and go back to live in Poland, because he was missed by his family there. Absolutely no respect for me, my husband, our love and bond, or marriage. Then he would get drunk (most of the time), and comment on how sexy I am (!!!), how he wanted to take us all to the swimming pool so he could see me in my swimsuit, etc. Then in one drunken stupor, he pinned me against a corner wall in his hallway and proceeded to feel up my body. I tried to get away, but he was surprisingly fast for a drunk guy. I remember trying to melt away into the wall, trying to disappear. I would have slapped him but I was in shock, yet again. If it happened again today, there would be no doubt, he would end up in the hospital. That was several years ago when I was twenty something, too young to know what to do in this type of danger. The mother showed up, started yelling (which she does very well), which saved me. I didn't tell my husband until we got back home to my country, I felt ashamed. Whenever something happened, he would always blame it on me even though it was his family, and him, misbehaving. The best thing would have been to pack my bags and leave, save myself, which I tried one day when I tried to tell my husband how badly I was being treated and how he had to protect me. He told me, shut the **** up *****, in english. I ran, just ran after that. I tried to drink myself into a stupor at the local bar with over a dozen orange Fantas, playing pool for about 9 hours, trying to figure out how the heck I was going to get into their house and get my belongings and escape. My father (choke) in-law found me and I ended up going home. No one mentioned anything. They only mentioned something when I spoke out to defend myself, like, how dare I defend myself! Onward to the uncle, the father in-laws brother: he was always trying to break us up, one minute giving me chocolate and telling my husband to treat me well, the next telling him to leave me. He himself was alone, a very sick, jealous person. Very competitive. I see this competition is a Polish sickness as well, not just his sickness. He was always waving around $100 bills, showing how much money he had. He was twice my age, but bragged to my husband that if my husband wasn't good to me, I would divorce him and marry him, the uncle, instead (!!! I felt really sick just now). My husband took it literally and asked me if I would actually do this (!!! really sick). One time the uncle was talking about his anger over people making fun of him being Polish. To show me his sentiment about this, he punched my shoulder and pulled my hair, showing me what he would do if someone treated him like that again, even though I said nothing derogatory about his heritage. I graduated from high school in Denmark (I am Swegian--Swedish Norwegian mostly, some family in Denmark), also raised in the States. According to my Scandinavian culture, I accept everyone, black, white or blue; everyone is the same value. I thought very well of pretty much every countrypeople, including Poland. Until I had direct contact with Polish people, my in-laws mostly. Later I learned that the Scandinavian countries, especially Denmark, are considered the most socially advanced countries in the world. Norway is named for 8 years by the United Nations as the best country in the world in general, for health, wealth, education, longevity, child development, well being, personal and human development, etc. Marrying into a Polish family is like going from the best to the worst. I know there are worse places in the world, I ve been to some of those places, but...Poland is like a third world country in comparison to what I'm accustomed to, in culture, thinking, spirit, development, etc. It seems now like a very unhealthy place. I wish it were different. I know some wonderful Polish people, but there is always this unhealthy undercurrent that feels scary, like they will do something shocking and disrespectful if given the circumstances, which they have. Its not just my in-laws. They can't all be bad, come on!!! Anyhow, o and theres the little sister. She was really jealous as well, humphing at my engagement ring (at nearly 17 years old, which is old enough to know better!), or making fun of me when I tried to teach her snowboarding. One time, the mother laughed at me cruelly when the sister asked me about some parts of speech that I learned when I was, o, about 12 years old. I had forgotten some of this information so many years later, but the old bag still laughed at me. The sister saw that disrespecting me was acceptable from her mother, so she followed suit, every chance she got. When she sassed me I usually avoided her, changed the subject or left the room. One time I had enough and told her respectfully yet firmly that her tone of voice and choice of words comes across as hurtful and disrespectful, and she is not allowed to speak to me or any other person in this way, especially since Polish culture states that elders be treated with respect. I think 10 years older counts as an elder, especially since I had my own home, education, job, paid my own way and was taught to be self-sufficient and strong. Obviously I'm not so strong, to have frozen in front of these monsters the way I did. Like I said, if it happened today, it would be a different story, in hindsight. The little sister often bragged that she looked better than me as well. I discovered that she was jealous of that aspect as well. One time, I took her on a bike ride and after to get our hair done (I was always offering peace, even though she was constantly trying to make war, which is part teen behavior, the other part, bad parenting, another part, personality problem); we asked the hair stylists what kind of style would be best for our type of faces. The stylists said, straight hair for me, curly hair for her, but he said, I could have any style I wanted because I was so beautiful. He didn't say anything about her looks. The little sister in law began to pout and had this really unhappy face the rest of the day because I got attention she wanted. This happened other times as well when people would compliment me yet ignore her, say I looked like this star or that famous person or whatever. She wouldn't talk with me. Later, she told me that if I went to Poland, I shouldn't be surprised if Polish men don't pay me any attention because they don't show attention to ladies like they do in the U.S. Well, I went to Poland, and guess what! I got lots of attention--compliments (calling me Szlizcna on the street, sorry for the bad spelling), trying to approach me (I wear the wedding ring on the other hand, the left, which they didn't understand, otherwise they are very respectful if a woman if married for sure) staring, even a whistle, etc. Some of it was right in front of her. If she wasn't angry before, she was then because it was still me, and not her getting attention. It was really sad and a waste of time for her to do this. I think it wasn't just her that was angry because at a family gathering, the husband of my husband's cousin, and another male cousin, sat and spoke with me a very long time, giving compliments like Sliczna (sp?), trying to speak english with droopy eyes at me, talking about my body when I showed them picture of me and my husband back home, etc etc. Anyhow, the wife, my husband's cousin had this really hurt look on her face. I felt bad for her and suddenly realized this was not appropriate so I excused myself. I tried to talk with her later, she was nice but blocked. I am not attracted to Polish men at all, I saw only one or two good looking ones including my husband when I was there that time, and the few times I visited there, passing through, before we met. Looks are not the main part of a person, and I think most Polish don't concentrate on looks either, but this little sister in law sure did and made it uncomfortable for me! She never was physically violent with me like her mother, father, etc, but she took every opportunity to be insensitive and disrespectful to me. My husband wasn't much help in the beginning, but he is much better now. O, and the sister extremely misbehaved with other people as well. Other family have extreme dislike for my husband's family. It seems as though they spread their bad seeds far, and it did'nt do them favors. In England, we travelled to meet my husband's great uncle and his companion, an English lady. The mother and sister in law were living in their home and working there at the time. The English lady and I got along really well. The unfortunate thing is that she has a deadly disease, and we don't know how long she will survive, and she had no surviving family, no children, no really close friends. When I had my first child a year later, she called me and asked me to come and help her. This really pulled my heart apart, the sound in her voice, it was so raw and real. I told her I would come as soon as I could, and I did. My husband's great uncle had since passed away unfortunately, so my English friend really had no one to be with her. When I was there, some people that knew her family and helped sometimes, told me that one time, my English friend was talking about my sister in-law to this family friend, another English lady. I guess my sister in-law is speaking disrespectfully to quite a lot of other people, which is annoying and upsetting. My sister in-law, then about 23 years old, heard them speaking quietly and his behind the door to eavesdrop. The friend noticed her reflection in a mirror crouched behind the door, walked quickly to the door, opened it and said, what are you doing?!!! Instead of apologizing (this family does not understand the meaning of an apology, or what it is), she put her chin in the air, rushed at my English friend, whose home she was a guest (!!!) and yelled to my friend, "I thought you were a nice person, but you are a horrible old lady!" Wow. Then she walked out as if triumphant that she had disrespected the woman who had housed her and her mother during a time of their own need, to have a job and earn money in another country. The friend of my Enlglish friend told me this like, she couldn't believe how horrible my sister in-law is, she was shocked, and angry. Then I was really angry. I was also told that my mother in law fired all the help for my friend, told everyone to leave therefore isolating her, so my English friend would have to depend only on her, and charged her shocking rates while she had no higher education to demand this. Basically, my in-laws are nice to people if money is involved. Another way to look at it, they exchange love for money. There is another name for a woman who makes a living this way... I couldn't believe the disrespect. My mother in-law doesn't get along with her own sister as well, while I get along with my husband's aunt, her daugher my cousin, and pretty much the rest of the family. In fact, I am now the Godmother for my husband's cousin's new baby. My mother and sister in law despise this. Even my husband was jealous (a bit) that his cousin asked me and not him to be a Godparent. This family is really screwed up (the immediate family, not the extended family, obviously!). Its great to get this all off my chest, thanks. This isnt all the story; I did my share of talking, sometimes yelling back, though it was purely in my own defense, as I was the only one to defend myself. Happily, my husband finally defended me, once or twice, and no longer has contact with his family, unless I'm ok with it. That was a huge hump to get over, but we made it. I think most women would have left my husband for his behavior--abandonment, extreme betrayal, humiliating me so many times, abusing me, letting and supporting his family to abuse me, ignoring their bad behavior, blaming me instead for their disgusting behavior, etc. But marriage is bigger and strong than that, than both of us. Its sacred. I don't want to be one of those who gave up and never know what would happen if I gave it my best. Now I know! We have children, a home, now several businesses, productive lives in cooperation and unison!! I do think that Polish mother in laws are monsters. I know its not just my in law thats a problem, after many years of speaking with other Polish and eastern European women, and men. The men have a problem as well with their in laws sometimes. There is a huge correlation between Poland and other eastern European countries in this regard to marriage: the daugher in law is especially a target and seen as free to abuse. In Norway, a statement was released in the media to stay away from eastern marriage, specifically between Russian women and Norwegian men. There is a shortage of men in Norway, and an abundance of women in Russia, so the match seems obvious. But the Russian, eastern European mentality is extremely hostile and violent. The Norwegian police noticed a high number of Russian wives abusing/beating on their husbands. People, we are not Vikings any longer, we are not violent people now in this modern age. We rather avoid violent people than strike back. The press release was a warning to Norwegians that their culture is the polar opposite of the eastern European, and its probably best to stay away. Knowing many of these people, I think Russian are much worse than Polish in this way, and Poland is more socially advanced. But there is still a resemblance to this behavior between Russian, Polish, Ukrainian, Romanian, Slovakian, etc than to western countries, like for example, between Poland and German culture. Poland is still eastern European, as taught in Universities across Europe; this is plastered all over online, in education, and according to worldclass organizations like the UN. Poland is geographically central Europe, but the cuture and language is still definitely eastern Europe, and probably will always be. For this reason it cannot be western European, but hopefully Poland can pull its head out of its behind enough to carve a new name for itself other than be part of the cultural and thought barbarism that is eastern Europe. It looks like it is already making huge gains, hopfully...For our children, I hope Polish culture changes to be more accepting and peacemaking, more healthy. The monster in-laws of the future may look at a new way of thinking and behavior as a marker of change, to be more accepting, less competitive in an unhealthy way, more positive, less suspicious, better educated, less ignorant of what they don't know, less assuming, more giving, etc. Then maybe another woman will not have to experience a drop of the horrendous pain I have endured from my monster in-laws for the future as to what behavior is acceptable or even possible. In my culture, the Polish behavior is so destructive and rare that it is unheard of where I have grown up. We only hear about it on the news, or hear about an unfortunate person, like me, who experienced it. It really was such a nightmare, a hell on Earth. On the other hand, my husband has told me that his favorite country is now Denmark, and he prefers the Norwegian more calm, positive and healthy lifestyle and mentality to what he grew up with in Poland, that chaos and negative vibe. When I visited Poland, I was asked to go to schools and speak, answer questions due to my education, travels and career. I could see from the interaction between students, teachers, and one another that the unhealthy Polish lifestyle starts young. I know there are much better Polish families out there than the one I married into, no doubt, but there is still a cultural and countrywide problem that is clear from the perspective of a person who is looking from the outside to inside, rather than what a person is looking at while still inside the box, which is blindness to what is right in front of you, blind to you, obvious to others. I think most Polish people, my monster in laws no exception, are blind to their shocking shortcomings because they can't see the forest due to the trees are too close. Heres hoping that will change one day!
5 Apr 2011 #58
I think most Polish people, my monster in laws no exception, are blind to their shocking shortcomings because they can't see the forest due to the trees are too close. Heres hoping that will change one day!

Some story i sympathize with you, but I understand your husbands family are Polish Americans, NOT Polish.
5 Apr 2011 #59
she's clear as to her experiences from Poland and not US
5 Apr 2011 #60
oops! I meant to say in the Russian Norwegian marriage section, there is a shortage of Norwegian women in Norway, NOT men! There are too many men there. I think its because men from other countries are often marrying Norwegian women and taking them out of the country. My language was unclear on some parts, but I hope its mostly understood. The part where I spoke about the sister in law and the attention from Polish men is not at all a bragging situation. I meant only to say the truth of what happened. I think its deplorable how obvious the sister is in her jealousy of me, and I do not take pleasure in this at all. The mother was also jealous of how I look. I think my total package is a threat to my mother and sister in law--my looks, travels, education, accomplishments, career, prestige, income, country/opportunity, and most of all, I am the WIFE of their son/brother. Looks seem to be very important to these two women, and it took me a while to figure out this entire picture. When I visited Poland, people would comment on my beauty to my mother in law (sorry, this is so strange talking about myself), like one time, a neighbor who is a mother to one of my husband's friends; she said,"We don't have such pretty girls like that here!" My mother in law was so annoyed by this that I think smoke came out of her ears. My mother in law would make excuses, pass it off as nothing, or talk about her daughter to get off the subject of me. Back home, a woman would not behave like this at all, its just so sad! My mother in law was always sending pictures of herself trying to look good and impress me or God knows who, like looking off the camera with a "look how beautiful I am" expression, gazing into the distance while standing in front of her own house, like the look of pleasure a dog gets on its face when it puts its nose to the wind while riding shotgun in a car. To see it is to see how ridiculous and obviously trying too hard she is. To be honest, my sister in law is very plain. She can look cute with makeup and getting dressed up, but she is naturally very plain; people say she is ugly, with her huge bulbous forehead, small pointy face, double chin, crooked nose. She looked ok to me until she started hounding me about my looks. My husband got the good genes. Its amazing how 2 rather plain people can make a really good looking kid. My mother in law looks like a man with the manface, no chin, double chin, small beady eyes, square body with no waist, but she has high cheeckbones, which my husband inherited. She was standing there when my husband introduced me to his childhood friends. They made a huge deal about kissing my hand, telling my husband how beautiful I am, turning to tell me to my face "You are really beautiful!", and one of them joked that hes going wherever my husband went to get a woman like me, and if we get a divorce, he will be right there to scoop me up for himself. My husband called him a name but smiled. Another time in Poland, the sister in law was with us, again, when a kid walked by us in a parking lot and asked my husband if I was his wife, and where did he buy such a pretty lady. There are too many examples, and the sister witnessing them, in Poland where she previously told me it would not happen like that. That was 3 years later and she was almost 21, but still had the same jealous attitude. She couldn't handle it that not one, NOT one, time did someone give her attention, it all went to me. This would be tough for some women, but you cannot blame someone for how they were born, or how different they are to people around them. I like it much better when we are in northern Europe; my husband can enjoy looking and admiring those women and I feel more comfortable blending in. About the cultural problems, our problems stemmed not only from my monster in laws, but also how Polish friends thought this behavior was acceptable when I told them about one or two painful situations. They just couldn't see anything wrong with it. I couldn't tell them the worst because I didn't want my husband looking that bad if people around us knew the truth. But the Polish system of being is a real problem, the denial they constantly show. Other Poles don't see it, it would take a foreigner to see and understand it, or a really different, very honest type of Polish person, which are too rare : (

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