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Have been living with my Polish girlfriend. Moving the relationship forward, what now?


kerekenos 1 | 1
2 Apr 2013 #1
Hello all,

I've been living with my girlfriend in Poland for almost a year, after enduring a long-distance relationship for 2 years.

I feel that she wants to move forward in the relationship, (so do I), but from where I'm from it's not as common to get married and have children as rapidly as in Poland.

I feel completely disoriented as to what to do to go forward, as most of her friends have children, but in my case, I don't even have friends married.

Could someone point me out how this usually goes in Poland? I would appreciate any help as to what exactly my girlfriend thinks and expect from me.

Thanks in advance.

I've been living with my girlfriend in Poland for almost a year, after enduring a long-distance relationship for 2 years.

I feel that she wants to move forward in the relationship, (so do I), but from where I'm from it's not as common to get married and have children as rapidly as in Poland.
I feel completely disoriented as to what to do to go forward, as most of her friends have children, but in my case, I don't even have friends married.

Could someone point me out how this usually goes in Poland? I would appreciate any help as to what exactly my girlfriend thinks and expect from me.

Hi, maybe something is not completely clear in the post above, but please, I would really appreciate any help.
I have been reading these forums for a long time due to its usefulness and I'm sure there are many users able to shed some light.

Let me know if anything needs clarification.

Thanks in advance.
poland_
4 Apr 2013 #2
Let me know if anything needs clarification.

How old are you?
How old is your partner?
Do you have commitment issues?
Are you an only child?

I would appreciate any help as to what exactly my girlfriend thinks and expect from me.

No one on this forum could tell you what your girlfriend thinks and expects of you, there is not a one rule fits all solution, for Polish women. All women are individual.

It seems like you have commitment issues and you need to work on you.
OP kerekenos 1 | 1
5 Apr 2013 #3
Both of us are in our late 20s and none of us is an only child.

I wouldn't say that I have any commitment issue, is just that I have never had any friend reaching a relationship at such an advanced stage and I feel like I'm sailing uncharted waters.

I know Poland is a very Catholic country (not trying to stereotype), and I intend to follow common practice in this situation.

Thanks.
poland_
5 Apr 2013 #4
I have never had any friend reaching a relationship at such an advanced stage and I feel like I'm sailing uncharted waters.

Do you have any of your friends living in Poland with a Polish fiance?

I am guessing you are Scandinavian or Irish?
jasondmzk
5 Apr 2013 #5
I know Poland is a very Catholic country

Don't let that steer you one way or the other, really. If your beloved isn't religious, or is, that's all that matters. I know plenty of people here that haven't set foot in a church in years and years, and it doesn't influence their lives one iota.
Varsovian 92 | 634
5 Apr 2013 #6
Look, for what it's worth, "liberals" can't do arithmetic!

Say you're 25 now and have a kid when you're 27, you're responsible for him/her on average until s/he's 26. That'll make you 53, with half of your balding head covered in grey hair. Look around you - most families have 2 kids. You too might have a brother/sister. So that gives you kid no. 2 when you're 29. If there are no problems. So, you'll be free of the little darlings when you're 55. When your grey hair starts turning white.

Teachers have problems nowadays trying to tell parents and grandparents apart.

React to this as you will - either do the decent thing and start adult life [gulp, the responsibility] or act like a teenager for a few more years! The choice is yours.

By the way, a childhood friend recently lost the mother of his children to cancer aged 42. She always dreamt of getting married, but he wouldn't do it, even as the end neared.
pam
5 Apr 2013 #7
I would appreciate any help as to what exactly my girlfriend thinks and expect from me.

You are going to get lots of different replies by posting a question like this on here.
Why don't you just ask your girlfriend what she wants from the relationship? You have been living together for a year,surely you are able to have a discussion with her?

If she is expecting marriage and children and you feel you're not ready for this,then you have lots of talking to do.
You need to talk to her, not a bunch of strangers on an internet forum!
poland_
5 Apr 2013 #8
Both of us are in our late 20

Average age of marriage
whyikit 6 | 102
5 Apr 2013 #9
Look, for what it's worth, "liberals" can't do arithmetic!

LOL nice view point.... Everyone is different and relationships only work where both parties are happy with what happens. As a whole people are having families later and that is purely a personal choice and should be for such an important decision. Attitudes like the above are so pathetic it is crazy, IMHO. Yes people are having children later but are also working into later life as life expectancy increases, so if you have kid in your 20s/30s it is up to the couple when they feel ready to have one, if they want children at all. Personally it shouldn't matter what other people think or do or what is considered the "norm", just what the two people in relationship want/do...
jon357 67 | 16,905
5 Apr 2013 #10
53, with half of your balding head covered in grey hair.

55. When your grey hair starts turning white.

Not everyone ages as quickly as you have.

Teachers have problems nowadays trying to tell parents and grandparents apart.

Nothing new.

People are having families later. Maybe there can be problems with that - but there can also be problems staring families when you're in your 20s.

A friend just started a family (with a lady he isn't and won't bemarried to or live with) for the first time in his 50s. He's in rude health, judging by his parents and grandparents he'll have a very long life and he's sufficiently established in his career to provide for the child very well indeed.

Look, for what it's worth, "liberals" can't do arithmetic!

The people I mentioned above both have a PhD in Maths.

There's no one size fits all approach - and with increasing life expectancy (and people staying younger for longer) this will be more and more common.
Varsovian 92 | 634
5 Apr 2013 #11
The thing is that life is tough and certain things like ageing can't be avoided. I'm really happy my kids got to know my father quite well before he died. My mother, who died much earlier, is simply an unknown quantity for them. She never saw them, and I think that's sad.

I think grandparents play a really important role, as do other older relatives (and older friends if like me you're lucky enough to cross the generational divide). By seeing dad put in his place by people who knew him as a child, and him having to show a bit of respect, kids see they are part of something bigger.

I think 'liberals' secretly think grandparents are a threat - which could be called control freakery ...
whyikit 6 | 102
5 Apr 2013 #12
I think 'liberals' secretly think grandparents are a threat - which could be called control freakery ...

That is the first time I have ever heard that, and I have no idea where a view point like that can come from. In fact I find it quite funny....
jon357 67 | 16,905
5 Apr 2013 #13
Hilarious even.

But people are starting families later and also living much longer, so there's really no issue here.
Rysavy 10 | 308
5 Apr 2013 #14
No one on this forum could tell you what your girlfriend thinks and expects of you, there is not a one rule fits all solution, for Polish women.All women are individual.

Pretty much THIS ^ OP And as also mentioned by Pam; you will have to talk it out before you get any deeper in for sure. Do you both a favor and if you don't want kids or marriage ...admit it now. And make her admit her expectations now.

The average "good" girl may stretch her traditonal upbringing rules and live with you a while but will indeed be expecting marriage if all is well. Specially a person wishing to have children.Specially a catholic.

There are "enlightened" or fiercely independent sorts who are ambivelent on marriage..... no shoe fits every foot.
I think marriage is a good thing, the ultimate partnership and declaration of mutual trust. And a very important foundation for children
But as the proverb "marry in haste-repent in leisure". Seems you have had quite some time. And you still have to ask us? Why do you care what is average for your friends. What do YOU want? what does SHE?

If your beloved isn't religious, or is, that's all that matters

? if your beloved shares or accepts your religious belief *fixed*

Be certain you really KNOW what each others beliefs are and what is in the intolerable zones. I dumped a pleasant if lackadasial bf for not being catholic enough... Twice. And though not a bad person unlike a few previous I finally admitted the problem for my case was not being true to myself. I will never put myself thru the unnecesary falures again. It was more than simply belief in God. it was values, ethics, morals, and traditions. Many mesh but some don't severely.

I always let them know up front that marriage and children were in my portfolio plan. They all said no problem til it was payup time. Excuse for wasting years of my life? "but I'd have lost you if I said I didn't want kids or marriage right away" Um DOH! yes! but it means they never found ME to start.

Mr. lackadaisy said "If I had known marrriage was that big a deal to you I would have asked you long ago" this after 2 years in same house and having asked for "space" 4 months previous.I guess he didnt think I'd leave him for the same reason as when we were 19 because? <_< and it WAS restated in the second chance as am expectation from me.

, "liberals" can't

<_< I am not liberal in any way ...democratic in some. But most my Democrat family consider me a hobnail stomping right winger.
I am catholic. I had my eldest child at 30. I am about to start an entirely new family (my famly has loooong lives).No more grey hair than when I was 16.

Most my exes were bald by 40 ^_^ never had to worry about grey.

Though I would suggest people who know they want kids to start earlier when you dont usually really have much of a career to interrupt and have them out of house before you retire .

think 'liberals' secretly think grandparents are a threat - which could be called control freakery ...

0_0 more would I blame today's youth culture and the "ME" generation than of either side of center; they don't want to BE grandparents. And called............lol wut?
peter_olsztyn 6 | 1,098
6 Apr 2013 #15
I know Poland is a very Catholic country

No, Poland isn't a very Catholic country. There are a lot of pretenders.
KOK
6 Apr 2013 #16
Hi,

I'm Polish female myself - although I left my country a few years back due to the social standards that I didn't like there and could never identify with.

Here is my view: first of all, although not many people want to admit openly, the situation of Polish women, in social regard, is still much weaker than the men's. That means the women are grown in this way to 'catch a man'. Don't get my wrong - I am not saying that's the only thing they care about in life, but that's often the top priority. Even for well-educated females, with jobs etc. Because they still suffer from a lot of pressure from society (with their own family in the forehead, colleagues or friends). The society in Poland appreciates the women for their social role (it's not based on their work situation etc., in most cases).

Of course, there will be heard "cons" - and a lot of Poles will try to tell you that I'm wrong. But it's just a personal opinion of 30+ Polish female, engaged to Polish man and living outside of Poland.

Having this in mind, and from my experience - your girlfriend really expects you to make a move forward, starting with the proposal - even if her personal beliefs are that she could somewhat wait a little bit with such moves, it's very likely that she experiences a strong influence from the others.

One more thing, according to Polish culture - a girl who "let her man do whatever he wants" - specifically having sex for "free" , without taking full responsibility for it (such as marriage), is often regarded as naive. Sad but true;/
SoCali
7 Apr 2013 #17
Ok, I just have to comment that after three years of a committed, monogamous relationship, I don't think it would be considered by any standard to get married and have children. Of course, it wouldn't be considered strange to NOT get married and have children after three years, but you're making it sound like "OMG!!!!!!!!! We've ONLY been together for THREE YEARS and she wants to get married ALREADY?!?!?!?!?!?"

That said, I think it depends on the woman, the man, and the relationship. There's no "one size fits all," especially these days in the western world.

I wouldn't compare your relationship to HER friends OR YOUR friends. It's YOUR relationship; do what makes the most sense for the two of you.

I meant to say it would NOT be considered strange to get married after three years.
Patrycja19 63 | 2,699
7 Apr 2013 #18
I would appreciate any help as to what exactly my girlfriend thinks and expect from me.

I think you need to ask her that question, after all its you who is the one who is living that relationship.
if your living with her already too, I think the proper part of it has already went out the window so to speak, sounds like you two need a nice quiet nite alone and give her a ring and just say it. tell her your fears and ask her what she wants to happen, and tell her how you feel!!

Any woman who is in love with the man is going to listen, especially when you are sensitive to their needs and you place a symbol of your love on their finger.. I think she is going to melt and your worried for nothing. in any case marriage is a bond between man and woman and she should be accepting of everything about you as you are her.


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