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Do Polish guys understand subtlety?

Malia 1 | 2
3 Nov 2016 #1
I've searched the forums but can't find anything directly related to this.

Do Polish guys understand subtlety? I've read here that sometimes Polish guys can be "slow" in relationships, and that was certainly true for me. I had to make all the moves, which I didn't want to do because I prefer the guy to do that. We're married now, but he still doesn't seem to "get it" when it comes to certain things I like, want, etc.

As an example, I've dropped hints about things I like, but he never seems to pick up on them. So our first Christmas together, he almost bought me something expensive that I had NO interest in, but didn't get what I really wanted. He seems completely oblivious to subtle hints about what I like and would love to have (for Christmas, birthdays, etc.), and I am really at a loss as to what to do. I DON'T want to outright ask for things.

We adore each other and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me, so it's just baffling that he wouldn't pay close attention to the things I like. It's not about the "stuff," it's about the thought behind it. In my experience, when you care deeply about someone, you naturally want to show it through the gifts you give them. You want to make the person happy by giving them gifts they love. It's certainly how I feel towards him.

Please no comments about being greedy - as I said, this isn't about the "stuff." I can't really go into detail here about why this particular issue is so important, but trust me, it is. I'm just curious to know if this is perhaps a Polish trait I was unaware of.

Btw: I'm American and he was born in Poland but grew up in America since he was a toddler.
peter_olsztyn 6 | 1,098
3 Nov 2016 #2
Do Polish guys understand subtlety?

Of course we do. There are many of guys in Poland. Some of them even built castles for their other halves ;)
Wincig 2 | 224
4 Nov 2016 #3
Do Polish guys understand subtlety?

You are onto something there. While Poles (certainly the older generation) have manners and finesse, more than in the West, it is also my experience that that things need to be said more "in their face" for them to understand.
Atch 16 | 3,415
4 Nov 2016 #4
Malia, woman's perspective here and I'm married to a Polishy guy. Firstly many men, regardless of nationality, struggle with choosing the right gift. They really prefer the woman to just tell them outright what she'd like. You can see the obvious relief on their faces when you tell them what to get!

Now having said that the culture of communication in Polish society is very direct. People are generally pretty blunt and say what they think. They take you literally, at your word, so if for example, you told a Polish guy not to bother to get you a present this year for your birthday, he would quite probably believe that you really didn't want anything and not get you anything, then he'd be totally bewildered when you're upset at not getting a 'surprise' on the day.

My advice is this. Decide what you want for Christmas or whatever, make a special occasion of the actual buying of the gift together. Get dressed up, go to the store, have fun selecting the gift, then go and have a nice lunch or dinner. No man is going to be perfect in every way. You say yourself that you know your husband loves you so just accept him as he is and count your blessings that you've got a nice guy.
OP Malia 1 | 2
4 Nov 2016 #5
I'm sorry, I don't understand how your comment relates to my post.
OP Malia 1 | 2
4 Nov 2016 #6
@Atch thank you, and yes, your comments would apply in many cases. However, there is one major instance, for me, in which I cannot (and don't want to) shop for my own gift, as it's not a gift -- it's an engagement ring.

There is a long and complicated story associated with this, which I cannot go into here, but suffice it to say, the engagement ring we started out with was utterly ruined by his Polish parents (who absolutely hate me and tried to wreck our wedding and prevent us from getting married... and that's just the tip of the iceberg). The ring had great sentimental value, more than any monetary value (it was not at all an expensive ring) now it's just a symbol of pain.

So that's why I said it's not the "thing" itself, but far more importantly, the meaning behind it.

The same is true for birthday and Christmas gifts -- I care less for how much something cost than for the sentiment behind it. I'm not one for "designer names " and "bling" and overpaying just for show. Simplicity is elegance, and I believe in paying for quality but never "ritz factor."

I had so hoped to replace the engagement ring with one that truly symbolizes our deep and amazing love, which survived the constant attacks of his parents and their attempts at sabotage. I know my beloved husband feels the same, but subtlety does not seem his strong point. ☹ It's pointless to outright ask for a new ring. It has to come from him, not me. The same is true for Christmas and birthday gifts - half the joy is not knowing what you're getting and being surprised. But more than that, it's the fact that someone loves you enough to find out what you truly want, because they want you to be happy. Because they want to give you the world, as I know my husband does. ❤
peter_olsztyn 6 | 1,098
4 Nov 2016 #7
Now having said that the culture of communication in Polish society is very direct. People are generally pretty blunt and say what they think.

I always thought that this is one of the advantages of West and life there is harsh but clear.
Atch 16 | 3,415
4 Nov 2016 #8
Malia if you're in the early days of your marriage you're going to have to find some compromise around this issue. Don't get too hung up on it. Regarding the engagement ring, another perspective is to see the original ring as a symbol not of pain, but of the triumph of your love over adversity :) But if you really want to start afresh with a new ring how about having a little talk with your husband and suggesting outright that maybe for your next anniversary you might have a new ring for the reasons you've explained here. Then show him some styles that you like and let him do the picking if that's what you want. In my own case, I chose my own ring because I'm a bit fussy about everything I wear, and I love jewellery, so my husband didn't want to risk getting it wrong! But I asked him whether he had a preference about the stone and he said a sapphire to match my eyes - ooh so romantic! I also wore a blue wedding dress for the same reason, he wanted me to have blue, not white.

It's really best to learn how to talk to your husband about what you want, not just regarding presents, but in life in general, rather than hoping he will guess.

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