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Asking her family for permission to propose to my Polish girlfriend?


david_91 2 | 7
10 Jun 2013 #1
Hi,

I have been with my girlfriend (Polish) for some time now......
I have been to Poland to meet her family and friends.....and from what i have been told by my girlfriend, they all approve of me.

I feel i have hit the point where i want to spend the rest of my life with this girl and so i am planning to propose to her.

Being English, i have done my fair share of research into Polish culture and i know that it differs depending on where in Poland you are from.

In England, although sometimes, not many people ask the womans parents for permission, they just do it........and if im honest i have never heard of someone proposing and then the family not agreeing with it.

So my question is........would it be ok for me to propose without permission? Bearing in mind her parents do not speak one word of english, and it would be very hard for me to get there without my girlfriend knowing about it.........

Please help me fast as i plan to propose on a surprise romantic birthday trip for her on 5th July :o)

Dziekuje! :o)
smurf 39 | 1,981
10 Jun 2013 #2
Wouldn't bother, only country red necks still do it here.
poland_
10 Jun 2013 #3
and if im honest i have never heard of someone proposing and then the family not agreeing with it.

I actually know someone who proposed to his future wife,then went to the out-laws to get approval. during a bbq her father had arranged for one of his friends to strike a deal with the future groom, the deal was you will get 10,000 USD if you walk away from my daughter.

Bearing in mind her parents do not speak one word of english, and it would be very hard for me to get there without my girlfriend knowing about it.........

Learn Polish...

Wouldn't bother, only country red necks still do it here.

Only people who value tradition and family do it in Poland. That would not only be rednecks, it would be many of the top 5% families in PL.

Smurf, you do talk b*ll*cks sometimes.

david-91,speak to your girlfriend about how traditional the family is. If you learn the words in Polish it will make both your future wife proud and the family very happy.

What about the wedding will it be in PL?
smurf 39 | 1,981
10 Jun 2013 #4
Learn Polish

Yea, that's smart. An English guy who has no plans to move here.

*slow clap

Don't bother Dave, why bother doing something that only conservative country bumpkins do here? Whenever I hear of people doing it I always laugh that they must be afraid of the future father/mother in law.

You don't live here, neither does she. Why bow to Polish tradition when you both live and, probably plan to stay, in the UK.

From my group of Polish mates here only one of them did it, it's gone, the vast majority don't bother with it anymore.
poland_
10 Jun 2013 #5
Yea, that's smart. An English guy who has no plans to move here.

So Smurf, do you consider it normal to marry a woman from another country without accepting her culture, traditions and language. david_91 has obviously put the ground work in & wants to be informed on the etiquette.

Don't bother Dave, why bother doing something that only conservative country bumpkins do here? Whenever I hear of people doing it I always laugh that they must be afraid of the future father/mother in law

Smurf, you have no idea really.

So my question is........would it be ok for me to propose without permission?

Its up to you.

Generally in Poland it is a nice gesture, assuming your future wife is close with her parents and that they are relatively traditional. If they are non-traditional, or you are worried they (or she) might see it as a sexist gesture, simply be careful about the way you phrase it. Rather than asking for their permission, ask for their blessing.
wiccy - | 1
10 Jun 2013 #6
You should ask - my Father will insist on it, although he'd be embarrassed if someone did ask. Men...pah!
Lenka 3 | 1,999
10 Jun 2013 #7
it is a nice gesture, assuming your future wife is close with her parents and that they are relatively traditional

True. Nice gesture and appreciated by the more conservative part of society (but not only by them)

Rather than asking for their permission, ask for their blessing.

I agree completely (especially if they are religious ppl)
smurf 39 | 1,981
10 Jun 2013 #8
do you consider it normal to marry a woman from another country without accepting her culture, traditions and language. david_91 has obviously put the ground work in & wants to be informed on the etiquette.

Etiquette that he does not in any way need to follow.

So, let's say you meet a Swedish/Finnish/Japanese chick, fall in love with her in Poland you'd learn her lingo just to ask her Dad 1 question?

No you wouldn't.
poland_
10 Jun 2013 #9
So, let's say you meet a Swedish/Finnish/Japanese chick, fall in love with her in Poland you'd learn her lingo just to ask her Dad 1 question?

As I already speak basic Swedish this would not be a problem, as for learning the language of ones future wife that's a no-brainer.

Smurf, its funny how things change with time eh https://polishforums.com/love/propose-women-36757/
OP david_91 2 | 7
11 Jun 2013 #10
Thank you all :) I can speak quite a lot of polish already :) and smurf, thank you but our plan is to get married in Poland and live in Poland in the future. As much as I appreciate your replies, I would prefer more serious answers. I have worked my butt off to learn the traditions, language and pretty much everything else that comes with it, all for this one girl. So I want to make sure that I do things properly........ dziekuje bardzo!
smurf 39 | 1,981
11 Jun 2013 #11
As I already speak basic Swedish this would not be a problem, as for learning the language of ones future wife that's a no-brainer.

Ah but w/o Japanese & Finnish you're in trouble :P

Smurf, its funny how things change with time eh

Wow, just wow.
You must lead an incredibly busy life ;)
Trawling for a post I made just shy of exactly 3 years ago.
I suppose you've never changed your mind in your life.

'supposed to' is quite different that have to, but since moving here I've noticed that it's not required at all.

thank you but our plan is to get married in Poland and live in Poland in the future

Fair play so, best of luck.
You'll need the lingo so, wouldn't move here without it if I was you.....and don't come in winter, 5 months of snow will break your heart. Summer's awesome though.
DominicB - | 2,704
11 Jun 2013 #12
@David 91: First of all, asking for permission is rather old-fashioned and quaint. It's not the rule in modern Poland. It's more likely to come off as odd than as "proper". Second of all, if you are planning to move here, make sure you to find gainful employment BEFORE YOU COME. Don't try to play it by ear unless you have abundant savings to burn.

For God's sake, do not move in with her family. Get your own place where you have control over the environment. Whatever your relationship may be like now, it's going to make a major turn for the worse if you have to live in close quarters with your in-laws, especially if you are under-earning or not earning at all. You might be tolerated for a short while, but then they will start to make life EXTREMELY unpleasant for you.

Next, don't be cowed into throwing your money away on a big wedding. Live as frugally as possible until you have a good-sized nest egg built up. If you smoke, drink or like to buy unessential things, stop NOW. The only thing you shouldn't skimp on is education to improve your qualifications. Both of you should be actively improving yourselves now. That won't be possible when baby comes.

If, as your nick suggests, you're only 22 years old, wait another five years. Early marriages rarely succeed, both because the partners are not yet emotionally mature, and because they are not financially stable.

Last of all, never ever propose marriage unless you already have a stable source of income adequate enough to support two people in their own apartment at a reasonable level of comfort. Unless you are determined and able to be the sole breadwinner, never ever propose to anyone who is not in the same financial situation. Never expose yourself to the risk of having a child until you are mature enough and financially stable enough to provide for yourselves and it.

In short, when deciding about marriage, take love out of the equation. If it still makes sense, then fine. But never expect love to make up for material and financial deficits in the relationship. Love doesn't fill an empty belly, or protect you from the rain. Think of marriage as a financial contract that has nothing whatsoever to do with love, and you'll be fine.
Rubyoptics 4 | 16
12 Jun 2013 #13
Hi David,
Well, as I am in a pretty similar position to yourself (albeit 10 years older) I would suggest that you follow you gut feelings. My girlfriends parents are in no way ultra-religious and I also agree that her father would probably find the whole affair embarrassing, however personally I think that I WILL be asking for his permission/blessing when it comes to me popping the question. My personal reasons are that I feel that there is a very strong tradition of "family" here in Poland, imagine if you will England in say the 50's and you won't be too far off. It has very little to do with actually gaining his "permission" as such but is more a way for me to live up to those traditions and strong family ties.

Slightly OT, whilst i agree with a lot of what Dominic said above, don't be scared of moving here and trying. I spent 3 years travelling to and from Poland every 4-6 weeks or so, moved here 3 days ago and have my first interview for a job tomorrow morning. In short, to work and enjoy yourself rather than just scraping by will take some work, but from you OP it seems that you aren't afraid of putting the effort and research in. Good luck to you both.

Where in Poland will you be moving to and what work will you be looking for btw?
poland_
12 Jun 2013 #14
You must lead an incredibly busy life ;)
Trawling for a post I made just shy of exactly 3 years ago.

No trawling it was a quick search on PF, amazing how search engines work Milky...

I suppose you've never changed your mind in your life.

I am open minded, I value Polands culture, heritage and tradition which has formed the bedrock of the country's modern society. Many non Poles spew their bile about Polands traditional past and present. After 1989 Polish culture and society began a process of profound transformation, marked by the return of democracy and redevelopment of civil society which shaped the modern Polish psyche, unless you experienced these times or have grown up in a Polish household you will never quite understand Poland and her people.

It has very little to do with actually gaining his "permission" as such but is more a way for me to live up to those traditions and strong family ties.

This is family business and you are expected to work for the family. In the UK the state is the mother in Poland the mother is the head of the family.

imagine if you will England in say the 50's and you won't be too far of

I do not believe it is possible to compare English family tradition to Polish family tradition. You may be able to compare it to the Spanish, Italian, Croats or Irish, to the English not possible, this is the reason so may English struggle in Poland.
landora - | 199
12 Jun 2013 #15
Don't worry about it, some very traditional families might still do it (although noone I know, and I'm Polish), but this tradition is - to me - incredibly sexist. An adult woman can surely decide herself whether she wants to marry someone or not? Ask her, not her daddy.
poland_
12 Jun 2013 #16
Don't worry about it, some very traditional families might still do it (although noone I know, and I'm Polish), but this tradition is - to me - incredibly sexist

So having a best man or brides maid at a wedding is sexist, should it not be best person or brides friend in your world?

An adult woman can surely decide herself whether she wants to marry someone or not? Ask her, not her daddy.

Its not a contract, just a symbolic gesture, in the world of ' uber ' correctness, you do want your want ' cus' your free - right?
a.k.
12 Jun 2013 #17
So having a best man or brides maid at a wedding is sexist, should it not be best person or brides friend in your world?

In Poland more popular are witnesses.

Re question: first you should propose on her, then she'll tell you what are the expected moves from you or you as a pair regarding her parents. I would expect an engament dinner to let the two families meet, maybe asking for blessing from you both in the day of marriage. The customs are laxed and depends more on people than are pernamently fixed. Don't worry too much. I wish you two all the best! :)
smurf 39 | 1,981
12 Jun 2013 #18
I am open minded

That's your opinion.

unless you experienced these times or have grown up in a Polish household you will never quite understand Poland and her people

Passive aggressive much?
Ah so unless you lived during WWII or the French Revolution you can't have an opinion on it. Oh, OK, sorry, I should have known that.

How silly of me for daring to have an opinion. I promise I won't do it again.

Ask her, not her daddy

+1

Another good post by dominic as well.
poland_
12 Jun 2013 #19
WWII or the French Revolution you can't have an opinion on it. Oh

You should have been taught about WWII or the French Revolution during your history lessons at school, somehow I doubt very much they taught you about polish family traditions and culture, or did they?

OK, sorry, I should have known that

That's the mark of a man when your wrong, good breeding there Smurf could almost take you for one of us.

. I promise I won't do it again.

no probs, Smurfsker.
Rubyoptics 4 | 16
12 Jun 2013 #20
After 1989 Polish culture and society began a process of profound transformation, marked by the return of democracy and redevelopment of civil society

I am sure you are right. My girlfriend grew up in those years and i have heard numerous stories of the profound change in culture which took place.

BUT

This is family business and you are expected to work for the family. In the UK the state is the mother in Poland the mother is the head of the family.

This would seem to negate your previous quote?

I wasn't trying to give my opinions or views about the Polish family unit, psyche or anything else. I was giving the OP my OWN views on his situation, which as I have already stated is very similar to my own.

I do not believe it is possible to compare English family tradition to Polish family tradition.

As it stands today, I am absolutely convinced you are right. If you read what i said though, I was actually conveying the same thing, that the English sense of family and tradition simply does not compare to the English traditions, simply as nowadays 85% of English people couldn't give a s***e about any of it or for strong family ties and values. That is why i compared polish family values and ties in today's age with that of England in a sadly forgotten past
landora - | 199
12 Jun 2013 #21
So having a best man or brides maid at a wedding is sexist, should it not be best person or brides friend in your world?

We don't have bridesmaids or bestmen in Poland, just witnesses - and we had two girls.
Also, don't you see a difference between having bridesmaids and having to ask woman's father for a permission to marry her? Come on, i was 28 when we got married, why would I need my daddy's permission??
smurf 39 | 1,981
12 Jun 2013 #22
I doubt very much they taught you about polish family traditions and culture, or did they?

Place didn't even come up in my geography classes coz you were still behind the Iron Curtain then.
As far as our geography lessons were concerned Poland was part of the USSR.

Thankfully things have changed since then.

Didn't do WWII either, my syllabus allowed us to choose. I did WWI instead. Bit more interesting and far easier to learn about. I was only thinking about getting a better grade I hope you understand.

Anyway, back on topic.
Where did OP go?

I understand what Landora is saying about it being sexist.

I'm all for equal opportunities, I think women should have to ask their future mother-in-law if the men have to ask their future father-in-law :P

Evens up the playing field..............or else just don't bother at all. I think most people would prefer that option.
OP david_91 2 | 7
12 Jun 2013 #23
Not going to lie, I love the arguments :) certainly make my day. Thank you all again :) you are correct I am 22, as for the latter statements. I am financially stable, stable job, my own property, as is the same for my girlfriend. This is one of many reasons why I feel it's the right time. I have decided not to ask permission or blessing. After a chat with my girlfriend (without giving away too much i got her opinion)we have decides that at the end of the day, me and my girlfriend are old enough to make our own decisions and old enough/mature enough to know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I plan on moving to krakow in the near future. Although I will get engaged, we both agree that wedding would be a couple of years yet. We will be living together when we are engaged :) again, thank you all for your help, it's very much appreciated....and by all means, let the banter continue :) thank you, wish me luck ;)
Rysavy 10 | 308
12 Jun 2013 #24
I'm all for equal opportunities, I think women should have to ask their future mother-in-law if the men have to ask their future father-in-law :P Evens up the playing field..............or else just don't bother at all. I think most people would prefer that option.

LOL I'll keep that in mind if I do the askin.
And I guess that mean mother-in-laws/grooms side have to put out the revenue for "dowry" in form of the wedding expenses, planning and they are bound to help expenses and possibly take the abandoned daughter-in-law into their home if their Boy is a creep and not paying for the children-WITHOUT trying to take them for herself (actually my MIL DID do that...lol. We were very close. God rest her.)

I 'll sign!

I'm born in USA Texas.

My father, if he was alive, would expect to be approached even as old as I am now. As a mark of breeding,and good intent. It would be a bad start on any relationship with him if they did not.

My step dad who is considerable younger than my father by 3 decades; does not 'require' it... but if they don't approach him, then he might feel the need to "hava tawk" with them and even mildly has this attitude now. In fact wants "make shur of mah fouriner"when he is here with me for the months of August.

My dad and poppy despised my ne'er do well X that claimed us engaged but did nothing fornal and slowly UNimpressed them with his basic self (and me too I just took longer to examine him close. No wonder his grandparents treated me like a messiah). But both were critical from day one because they hadn't talked with him or met him til later

(I know...aaaall these Exes: there is 5 in total incl my Monster ex spouse. 3 were longer engagment with announcement)

And My first formal fiance as well a my Monster X (who in spite of all else came from old world Orthodox family) both approached my father without warning to me, to do just that (and got a lot of starter 'credit').
poland_
12 Jun 2013 #25
Not going to lie, I love the arguments :)

Its only friendly banter, smurf is a solid poster on PF and is always ready to help and assist the new wave, where and when he can

stable job

Have you considered taking a few months off to experience what living in Krakow is really like. I would suggest being in KRK Jan.Feb and March, better to see a place at its worse then it can only get better.

I have decided not to ask permission or blessing. After a chat with my girlfriend (without giving away too much i got her opinion)we have decides that at the end of the day, me and my girlfriend are old enough to make our own decisions and old enough/mature enough to know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together

Good luck to you both, nothing ventured nothing gained.

I'm all for equal opportunities, I think women should have to ask their future mother-in-law if the men have to ask their future father-in-law :P
Evens up the playing field.

To "double the odds for" something means to take an action that makes it twice as likely to happen. and "doubling the odds against " means to take an action that makes it twice as likely not to happen.

Your scenario 'smurf' would be "doubling the odds against " I guess you wanna stay single bud.
smurf 39 | 1,981
12 Jun 2013 #26
"doubling the odds against "

hahaha ;)

I guess you wanna stay single bud

Oh to be single again...altho not married, in a very very long term-er.
I wish I'd moved here at 18, full of life and with a full head of hair. If only I'd known Poland had to most beautiful women....but no, one dziołcha had to capture me before we moved here ;)
Lewis,soontobe!
27 Jul 2017 #27
Courtesy and Consideration for other people are a big investment in any future encounter. As a matter of course, coming into someone else's life, especially "the in-laws", briefly touching on why you are there can only reap a rewarding future friendship.

I am disappointed to see so many selfish and self centred responses to this string, I found a much better way a very long time ago.
RubasznyRumcajs 5 | 485
27 Jul 2017 #28
Asking GF father for permission is like asking the owner if you could use his car.


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