michaelmansun 11 | 135 1 Nov 2010 #1It is a small exert from a book I have written and which will soon be published. I realize it isn't valid for today, but I believe it is accuracte to the time. 1995-1997. Your opinions are welcome. I realize I will receive a lot of insults and rebukes. That is OK. That is what I want. It is about trying to fit in in Poland. Looking for work. etc.. By the way, I had 4 degrees in Business when I first went to Poland in 1995. Finance, Banking, Logistics..etc.. So this leads into the start of this chapter.---------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------Another day another bank. I just had a meeting with an old woman in the human resources department in a bank in the Rynek Glowny, who said she thought I was a spy come from the USA to steal their banking secrets. Funny how the things you think you want in this life are not really worth having. But we try to get them anyway because if they are not worth having they should be easy to get, but when we cannot get them we are even more resolved to get them. But you fail anyway leaving you utterly confused.I have a feelng, recently, that I am going to become some kind of limbo guy caught in a time warp of underachievment. I should leave. Why don't I leave? I know why. I have been here too long already and I feel that what I had before in the USA does not exist anymore. I just keep runing into Americans who say they are doing well. But then, of course, you discover that they have dual citizenship. Mom and Dad are Poles who escaped to Chicago 25 years ago. Is this some kind of circular mind trick geared into the human brain that programs us into destroying ourselves? Do all people suffer with this or just me? Am I becoming dellusional or do I really have reasons to be paranoid about the people here in this beautiful hell of Krakow? Why is everyone so suspicious of everyone? It must be the continuation of the atmosphere of a communist society is which it was dangerous to be normal, and it is a mechanism of self-preservation to whisper in dark places, to conspire against your neighbor, to belong to the right party, but to appear to be reformed as a new social democrat. All the same people, just a different outward appearance. Still bureaucrats, but now with money instead of a rubber stamp and coupons.Well, after a thought like that I know I should leave. I came, I saw and got conquered. Poland really is depressing. Now I know why everyone stares at me in disbelief when I say I want to live here. They think something is wrong with me. There wasn't but now there is. I have got to run from here!! But now I have a girlfriend. I like her, but I am not in love. I don't have the capacity for love. But I do all those things that someone in love would do. No, that isn't it. It's like me and dogs. If I see a dog suffering, on a chain, in a cage, I feel compassion for it. I feed it, and try to help it escape. Maybe it's because I have felt that no one ever helped me in my life and now I cannot abandon someone who is obviously naive and helpless, but really too Polish to see how desperate her situation is. She is a village girl from the East, with no education and she has been loyal to me. If I leave she will turn into a babunia selling pretzels out of a little cart in the street and I will feel terrible and live with regret. I am obviously a basketcase. It comes with months and months of malnutrition and being traumatized by the Polish reality, which I am still trying to understand. For now, I can only determine that the administrators, the new rich, the new social democrats are all former communist, ignorant, arrogant ******** who abuse even their own people, and who really do not want foreigners to come here and compete for the very limited opportunites they reserve for their own children and friends. This is a total waste of time which I do not have. Krakow is just a fairly large city with a small village mentality I have to make an exit plan.I have decided that I have not tried hard enough to have the things that I don't really want? Does that make sense? No, but I think I am trying to settle so that I can stay with this girl, for her sake, not for mine. Does that also make any sense at all? Yes, in my own little world I have created in my nutrient depleted brain, dining in Krakow's communist throwback milk bars and eating with aluminum forks and spoons, which I hear is wonderful for cognition and for your bones. I will teach English. Afterall, everyone pushes me into the profession. And I need money. I will teach.Wow! English teaching really is a great job!! For British alcoholics! This sucks! And the money is ****! Damn. It is true what is written by the old farmers. The only way to get rid of weeds is move off and leave them. I feel so drained of energy all the time I don't even trust my own judgement anymore. I just keep running into people who say, "You can do a lot here! You are an American with an American education!" It is such Hollywood bullshit I cannot even begin to analyze this isolated, inbred thinking. Too many Camel advertisements with muscular, leather-dressed guys on Harley motorcycles, holding a map of the USA and gazing out over the open road or the Grand Canyon. Has anyone ever done that? I have and it also sucks. Bugs hitting you in the face at 70 miles an hour. Engine burning your legs and it destroys your back. Life is truly the pursuit of illusions.I watched an old woman try to climb up on a bus today. It was raining and the steps were slippery. She fell flat on her face. I laughed and didn't even try to help her get up. OK. Now I understand. When you enter Poland you must leave your soul at the border.