How to get to know a polish guy better?

I'm probably going to meet my polish guy tonight... just need to fix where and when... I think his friend(s) will be there as well....

I dreamt about this all night yesterday, and I'm probably expecting to much now...
but we will see...

wish me luck ;-)

liiii

Good Luck lii!!!

Good luck :D
Tell us after what happened ;-)

welll.... ehmm ... we met in a pub where they were watching a footballmatch ... i'm not a football fan but I did stay the whole match and he talked a lot to me missing a lot of the game...but well, nothing more... he was there with his slovak friend

on the way back he was discussing marriage (not to me ;-) but in general), he really thinks it's for life and that you have to be carefull before deciding this, and that you can not decide it after three months or so... in a way I think he was talking about relations in general, that you have to take the time to know somebody before deciding anything... I'm verry OK with that, only, in the back of my head I'm always thinking that at the end of this year he has to move back to Poland... and time flies....

anyway, I'm going to write him an sms now to say that i liked the company more than the match ;-)

and then be a bit patient again...

i've just joined the forum and ended up reading this entire post as i'm entirely intruiged! i hope it's going well with this polish guy (i think it is, but maybe that's cos i'm a sucker for a good love story!)

Hey, if all else fails, your writing would make a great book, i think we've all felt like we've been in this position at some point or other....good luck, and thank you for maintaining the hopeless romantic in me!...and keep us updated!

Helllppp

I just wrote a e-mail to my polish guy, telling him that I really want to know him better and that I would like to talk about this more ... and that there should be more than work (which is always a good excuse as well)

and more than me doing the talking (beacuse he is a real specialist is asking a lot of questions and avoiding to answer them... :-)

I don't know if this was a good idea, !!
I was thinking about this a long time, and I just want things to be (a bit) more clear...

like I don't even know when he goes back to Poland... (and well thats important to know right?)...

but now I'm doubting a lot !! Maybe I shouldn't have written this mail, and just tried to meet him again....

ai aia aiii

Me

liii - you did the right thing - you've been focused on this for a good while and if he is really interested that email isn't going to be a problem. Otherwise, you'll know and the initial disappointment will wear off and you'll move on to something that is possible.

I feel your pain, I'm in a similar situation, only I don't get to see my Polish guy. We only IM and phone every now and then about business.

Ok this is his answer... so thats the end of this story then???

"Thank you for your e-mail. You asked what I thought about it and you certainly deserve my honest answer. The truth is that I have already developed feelings for somebody. Therefore, I cannot offer you anything more than friendship. If that is what you were looking for I am very glad because I really regard you as a very valuable person. If not, I am sorry but hope you will understand it."

liii, i admire your bravey.
i am in a similar situation right now. i wish i could just to tell someone i like them but i do not want to be too forward becuase i have not seen this person in over a year and live in different countries

also, this person asks me questions, very personal i might add, but yet never responds to the same questions...so i am seeing very interesting similarities...def not a good sign.

you now Time, its the first time i have been so forward,
and altough I don't like the answer
it helps to place the whole idea

anyway, I'm still think
what if what if....

I don't know how far his feelings for this other person go...
and should I still think he might change his mind
ehemm
probably not...

I think you should be his friend. It makes you look like a big person, who can undergo a hurt and recover, and I think it would be offensive to him to refuse his friendship. Then where would you be?

I don't think guys mind it if their female friends have a little crush on them. They almost encourage it in a way! I have been in this situation more than once, and always I had a good friendship with the man -- and he even used to ask me things like "Do I look handsome?"

I went ahead and did the same thing as Liii - told this guy what I was thinking. I think I totally caught him off guard. He thanked me for the words and said that he doesn't know what to say. All I know is that I'm now clear of worrying about it and the truth is in the open.

I think if men can maintain friendships with women they know like them more than that as long as the boundary of friendship (whatever that may be) exists and the woman does not push the issue beyond its stated agreement.

SO did you get a clearer answer now moonmustang? Or still in the open?

What do you mean with:

No - still in the open... He's very direct - if he's not interested I cannot imagine why he would not just say "thanks, but lets keep it at a professional level" rather than saying he didn't know what to say and saying I made him "uneasy" with a smile at the end.

My main concern is that perhaps Polish men do not appreciate women being so forthright with them and expect to be the suitor and make the first move....

Ugh, this thread is bringing back less than pleasant memories.
Let me tell you my story-for pretty much the entire time I've been dating, I've almost always been the one to speak first in these kinds of situations. I've had "the talk" at least 6 or 7 times, maybe more. I'm a very direct person and I have a strong personality (not abrasive, but I know what I want and need, and I know myself, faults included), and I find it hard to sit back and wait for some great guy to just come and talk to me, ask me for my numberr. However, I've learned over time that if you need to make the first move, then you're the only one who is really interested. My last relationship started because I made the first move...and the second, and the third, fourth, etc. Want to know what happened when I stopped doing the work? We broke up. I think there are exceptions to this rule, and being who I am, I wouldn't want to regret NOT saying something because maybe THIS time the guy really is too shy, or just doesn't get it. I agree with any earlier post that said that it's important to show some interest, let him know you're there. On the subject of exceptions, the Polish I'm dating now? I gave him my number first (which I hate to do)-he had just arrived in the States and was very insecure about his spoken English, and after we spent 30-45 minutes in conversation, yelling over dance music, I decided I would give it to him, simply because I would really regret it if I didn't. He didn't call me (which made me slap myself for doing that yet AGAIN!!), but when we met a month later, he asked me to dinner with friends, then wanted to see me 2 days later, texted me all day every day, asked all the right questions, and very quickly we were dating. Now, we're hoping to get married in the near future. He later told me that he really regreted not calling me at first, but he felt insecure about his English (especially on the phone) and he didn't know if I was just giving my number to him to be nice, since he was new here, or because I was interested. Also, after he had waited a while he felt like he shouldn't call, because he had waited too long. This is all coming from a really confident guy who has experience with women, but he was in a situation where he was very insecure about making the first move. In my experience, this is definitely the exception to the rule, but hey, I guess it could happen to you too! :) I think I totally went from one perspective to another in this post...sorry about that :)

Pamlarouge - thank you for that share though. I know that I am not making any more moves. He knows. He wants to initate great otherwise, no more initation on my part.


This is really true. As a pattern not to continue this is the hard part. Being the woman to do the work - after all I watched my mother of very traditional Polish upbringing be the woman who always did the work to keep everything happy. She said it was a woman's role. RUBBISH!!!

Glad I could help moonmustang :)


So true! It shouldn't be the woman's job alone to smooth things over, but so often it falls to us to do it...

As for discontinuing the pattern, the truth is that I don't think it's the pattern that's the real problem-it's completely normal to want to do what you can to make someone happy when you love them (in a healthy way of course). But the problem is that there are some people out there who are leeches, and they don't give anything back. It really took me being with my Polish guy now to see how things should really be. I'm always thinking about him when I do things, but he falls over himself to make sure I'm taken care of as well, he's so attentive, and honestly I never thought I would find someone like him. My ex acted like any miniscule effort he put into making me happy in our relationship would be too much for him. But the truth is that when you really want to be with someone, it doesn't feel like an extra effort, it happens naturally. It's definitely worth waiting for a guy who wants to make the first move and all the ones after that :) Hold out for the keepers, moonmustang, there are plenty out there, they're just harder to find sometimes :)

I've just read the whole story. Obviously I didn't like the end of it; But I really recognize that liii was very brave to get to know the truth and what he really thinks by been so straightforward, maybe I wouldn't have the guts.

After all, this experience brought you the opportunity to overcome your shyness instead of being intrigued for who knows how long more.

Don't worry, I'm sure there's someone else around the corner, and the good thing is that next time you won't be waiting this long to know his real feelings towards you, so you will have the decision to stay or to move on without wasting your time.

Something else liii: Give the other guy the opportunity to get to know you, I think a sincere friendship doesn't harm anyone. I had a similar situation long ago and you can't imagine how I regret now not giving the opportunity to a nice guy just because I didn't find him interesting and a little "nerdish" at that time.

Sometimes we are so obsessed with someone (that it's not always the best afterall) that we don't see all the good around us.

Good thing out of all of this is that I have learned to see my core values and what qualities I want and will not settle for less. Having learned my lessons, I'm not so eager to NOT hold out.

While not limiting my options, I do believe in general that based on the general qualities of Polish men they are highest on my "desirable" list for a partner and not "Americanized". Of course, I have to increase the level of difficulty of finding that great guy by being on another continent from where I'm looking. LOL

That's great! When you're looking for someone, it helps if you know what's okay for you and what's not-you learn that partially by knowing yourself, and through experiences like the one you just had.

As for finding Polish guys despite the distance :)...I was in the same situation myself before I met my guy. I prefer Europeans because generally they can handle me, and I don't seem to intimidate them :) But after I studied abroad in Austria last year and came home, I didn't have very many outlets for finding the kind of guy I wanted, and American guys just didn't cut it anymore. I met my guy in my hometown at a party, and I found out he was living in this town in Alabama nearby...which would be the absolute LAST place I would have expected to find a guy like him. Sometimes you literally have to put yourself in a certain situation to meet the kind of person you want (better start preparing for your European vacation) and sometimes it just surprises you. I don't know what advice to offer other than if you know want a Polish guy, go where the Polish guys are! :) Simplistic, I know, but perhaps it will raise your chances for success :)

That was one of my big "ah ha" moments - had European boyfriends in the past and they were incredible gentlemen and as crazy as this sounds I actually feel like I can honor and respect them. On average, American men have a conflicted relationship with women either chauvanistic or too soft and they tend to let me be the "alpha female" which I really don't care to be. I find that European men (and Polish men because they don't tend to tiptoe about subjects) can actually hold my respect and allow me to be feminine.

Speaking off which - off to renew my passport.

Glad to hear you found your guy :)

That's the spirit!!! :)

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has had these problems with American men. I don't want to be the alpha female either, I'd prefer the guy take the lead, but too often they want to be in charge, but want none of the responsibility that comes with that. Very frustrating all around. Well, as I always say, strong women need strong men :) Of Polish men, I only know two at present, and I find my boyfriend to be as you described-very much a gentlemen who is always looking out for me, and is not afraid to get serious. Most of the other European men I know who are in relationships behavior in a smiliar way, although there always exceptions (like my ex-boyfriend!).


Thanks :) It took me a while to find him, and for him to find me...and because of that I think neither of us will be letting go of each other any time soon. As I said in another thread, the one good thing about bad relationships is that 1) you learn so much from them and 2) you appreciate the good ones!

Happy hunting :D

Hey girls!!!, sorry but English is not my first language; what is "alpha female" and "tiptoe about subjects" (is this the same as beat around the bush?)

yes.

Alpha female - wolf packs usually have a dominant male in charge. In this case the insinuation is that the female is the dominant one in a situation / relationship.

Yes - Shawn_H has it right - good analogy. Basically an assertive woman. Usually in the case of American men this creates a pretty big problem because they either feel the need to dominate the woman or vice versa become subordinate to the woman in their life. Sorry any American guys I offend. Anyway - the implication of our earlier conversation is that European men generally don't stand for such behavior from a woman and thus it creates a better balance of clear relationship of man and woman.

I now understand that if a woman acts in the dominant role in a relationship then she taking away from her man the very thing that is one of his strongest assets. In my opinion - its hard to have enduring love, honor and respect in either direction if these roles are out of balance.

I agree. In my relationships I want the man to take the lead. I don't want to dominate-I want a man because I want a MAN not some guy who is afraid of me or always deferring to me. Some guys don't understand that when a woman has a strong personality it doesn't mean that she doesn't want a guy who will take the reins. I am 100% willing to let a guy I can trust and respect take care of me. I found that many of the guys I know whose mothers were strong women look for those kind of qualities in their girlfriends/wives as well. I know that's the case with my Polish guy. Maybe it's the mothers we have to thank for turning out such great Polish men :)

I think its OK for women to dominate in the kitchen and bedroom

What do you do in the kitchen to dominate him?

spank him with a spoon...lol ;)

now those two areas should be a woman's specialty :) Good way to keep the man happy too.